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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"you get the marriage you deserve"

81 replies

cod · 27/02/2006 16:08

discuss

OP posts:
Fimbo · 27/02/2006 16:22

My dh pitches in for most things - although I can't recall him ever scrubbing the loos! Grin

Heathcliffscathy · 27/02/2006 16:22

pmsl. yes....obviously in a creative and fun way.

lockets · 27/02/2006 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
cod · 27/02/2006 16:24

NO!!!! your poor dgh
what a kidn m an

i lurve him

OP posts:
Heathcliffscathy · 27/02/2006 16:25

i'm not being funny but the same goes for kids and for everyone...there is nothing like positive reinforcement and praise to get all people regardless of age to do something....

i am currently training ds to realise that on weekends, mummy and daddy don't get out of bed until 9am (apart from nipping down to get him a plate of fruit and goody bar for his breakfast) and he can join us and chat and cuddle or he can play in his room or be in and out...but we don't move....and it is working!

dh is much worse at this than me and ds runs rings around him in terms of always actively playing with him whereas i sometimes do that, but also ds plays next to me, not always demanding myh participation....like when i'm on mumsnet.

really really important to praise behaviour that you like and never take it for granted....this applies to dh's and kids alike!

Original poster
cod · 27/02/2006 16:26

9AM???

OP posts:
kitegirl · 27/02/2006 16:26

just a sweeping generalisation in the middle of doing the ironing...Smile

because, in many families that I know it is the woman, the wife and the mother who works twice as hard as the man, often having a full time job AND getting up with the kids in the w/e AND cooking dinners in the evenings AND keeping all the balls in the air. And most of these women complain after a couple of chardonnays. I'm just thinking 'but if you are not happy with the way things are done, why put up with it?' Maybe our mothers have treated their sons differently from their daughters, and some lessons are hard to unlearn.

also dh's brother is a bit of an issue chez nous... long story Smile

Heathcliffscathy · 27/02/2006 16:27

i sound like a really terrible mother and wife don't i :o

Heathcliffscathy · 27/02/2006 16:28

ds gets up between 7.15 and 8am....so yes....9am....he can play and chat with us, sometimes we read to him...but we don't move until then......

iota · 27/02/2006 16:28

I think deserve is completely the wrong word it implies that you are to blame for your own unappiness, whereas I think a lot of people get sucked into relationships with people when they are too inexperienced to know any better, and then find themselves in a situation that it is hard to escape.

Northerner · 27/02/2006 16:29

Blimey 9am? We say 7am in our house.

But yes, men in general are selfish beings and need regular kicks up the arse.

You need to ask yourself, would I have married dh if he behaved like this back when we first met? If the answer is no then you are selling yourself short IMO.

Heathcliffscathy · 27/02/2006 16:30

no maybe about it kitegirl....sons and daughters were and still are treated differently....also there is a massive measure of control in doing everything....lots of grandfathers that don't even know how to boil an egg....

when ds was first born i was convinced that i was the only one that could do things properly and that dh just wasn't as good....but quickly realised that i had to relinquish control, i had to let him make mistakes and learn how to be with ds just as i was....and i'm soooo glad i did that, even though it was really hard at the time...i think that for all the complaining lots of women are v comfortable with the level of control that doing everything gives them and wouldn't like to reliquish it....if you don't do it it isn't going to be done like you would do it and you have to be able to live with that...

LadyTophamHatt · 27/02/2006 16:30

uugghh, what did I do then??

lockets · 27/02/2006 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lockets · 27/02/2006 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

k74 · 27/02/2006 16:36

Agree. Although depends on your expectations and is generation thing I think. My fil thinks is outrageous if I ask dh to lift a finger even though dh is fine about it! And we both work!

A close friend has said of my relationship that she thought that my dh was lovely to me because I was lovely to him... had never really thought about it.

But is the main factor here whether your relationship with dh is of equal importance to that of the kids? Cos if you invest in that as much you invest in your kids happiness, then you get payback...

Heathcliffscathy · 27/02/2006 16:38

before anyone thinks i am smug cow of doom...we're in a really really rough period at the moment....big horrible issue, and we are talking about it and it is just so painful and so hard....but i know that if we weren't it would be worse....

CountessDracula · 27/02/2006 16:44

she is a smug cow of doom really Grin

madmarchhare · 27/02/2006 16:44

Tit for tat works with us.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 27/02/2006 16:45

I have high expectations Grin

DP just says i am "high maintenance" Blush

Still, according to the majority, he gets what he deserves Grin ...... sorry, expects...... Wink

madmarchhare · 27/02/2006 16:46

Agree that 'praise the good' is good in a marriage too.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 27/02/2006 16:51

Sorry, rewind there...... Hunker - you are Grining at your DH ironing his own shirts.....????

hunkermunker · 27/02/2006 16:54

Nothing else gets ironed in this house Grin

madmarchhare · 27/02/2006 16:55

ditto HM.

puddle · 27/02/2006 16:59

I have high expectations too. But I also let DP have room to do things his way, especially with the kids. My friends who complain the most about having no help are often the ones who are least able to relinquish control and just let their other halves get on with it.

My friends all think dp is great but he just does his share, as I do too.