I think my husband hates me

[NaturalOptimist]

Sorry, not really posted before and don't know where to start. My husband is so horrible to me, I feel like I cry every day. He just came home from work and said he was going to put the rubbish out. I asked him (nicely!) to add a piece of cardboard that was in the garden to it and he got so angry with me. Said I should pull my thumb out and do it myself, that I'm selfish, always making demands on him. I work full time and do 90% of the housework, rush home from work to look after our DD (18 months) so he can go to work part-time. I feel so isolated, no family in the UK, never go out and have any fun. He says it's because I'm so selfish that I don't have many friends, but I don't think I am. I try to be kind and treat other people with respect.

Crying so much, I can't see to type.

I get it. When you've rowed your lot in with a man, especially second time around and especially when you've gone to the lengths of having his child, it is such a horrible thing to admit to yourself that it's all going wrong again and you've made a mistake. If you're a high achiever in other areas of life a bad relationship that you can't control makes you feel like a failure, like you've wasted your time. You feel obliged to make a go of it because otherwise you're back to square one. There's a lot of pride at stake - face-saving with relatives who maybe said they thought he was wrong for you? (guessing)

The trouble is that if you 'stick it out' now i.e. tolerate the bullying, you will find it even more difficult to do something a few years down the track. You will have invested more time, more emotion, feel more obliged, and your DD will be even more attached to her Dad making it even more difficult for you to leave the country.

"Better to live one day as a lion than a whole lifetime as a lamb.... "

" I own the house, earn the money and pay all the bills"

And he is horrible to you.

What do you need him around for? You gain absolutely nothing by being with him. If you owned the house, earned the money, paid the bills, did all the childcare and the housework BUT he made you happy then that would be different.

Someone ( I think it was AF ) was saying the other day about the mystery of why so many women think that it is their DUTY to work on relationships that are shit, with men that are shit, because they see being in a relationship as being all-important. You seem to be a good example.

He's no good. Get rid.

The trouble is that if you 'stick it out' now i.e. tolerate the bullying, you will find it even more difficult to do something a few years down the track. You will have invested more time, more emotion, feel more obliged......

i'd just like to add to this point, that you will reach your breaking point though and you will end up leaving eventually for self preservation and then you will have a helluva a lot of years in your life that you feel sad about because you will wish you had left years ago.

i know i did/do

You have a choice.

Your DD does not.

She deserves better than this living situation.

Agree with everything.

You sound wonderful - there is no need to put up with ANYONE being this much of a shit to you, let alone the man who promised to love you and cherish you. He has broken his promise and therefore the marriage, not you.

Everyone is being so nice it makes me feel like crying again.
Cogito - you are so right. It feels like my failure to give up on the relationship and I'm just not the give up type. Plus, and I do know this is pathetic, my mother would be so delighted as she doesn't like my husband and to listen to her gloating would be appalling.

Balloon - thanks for your comment, but I hope that's not true in my case. When my first marriage ended, it was the worst thing that ever happened to me, but now, because of that I'm not afraid to be alone any more.

Anyway he's definitely not apologising. I saw him tonight for a couple of minutes, literally I came in and he went out and he was not conciliatory in the slightest. Bastard.

I did 15 years hard core marriage - loneliest time of my life. Get Out Now.

Sugar - I can believe you. Loneliness in a relationship is awful. Sometimes I try to think of myself as a single parent with good childcare (my husband looks after my DD when I'm at work during the day). Then I don't feel quite so lonely. Although I do feel sad.

Plus, and I do know this is pathetic, my mother would be so delighted as she doesn't like my husband and to listen to her gloating would be appalling.

Get over this feeling, OP, and as quick as you can.

There's a reason your Mum doesn't like him. She sees something. She'll be pleased and glad for you.

The gloating will be short-lived when she realises that she has her DD and Granddaughter back. His abuse of you will get worse.... and will last your lifetime. You and your daughters lifetime

Start detaching. Start planning. And Go.

How is he with your DD?

Is it just you he dislikes? Or does he hate all women? It chills me to think of a man who can call the loving mother of his child 'a stupid cunt'....

How are you today OP?

My mother didn't like my exH either. Her disapproval probably made him more attractive, in fact. I was also worried that she would do nothing but gloat when we broke up. As it turned out, she was very sympathetic and supportive once he'd gone and largely resisted the temptation to say 'I told you so'.

Don't stay in a crappy relationship out of pride.

This kind of relationship seems to be bizarrely common.

I think it starts out good, gets gradually crappier and because you don't knock posts into the ground as you go along, you can't look back and say "that was when it went wrong right there". There probably was no turning point. Or it was right at the beginning and you ignored it.

Like others I can't see what's in this for you. How is this better than being single in your own house? There'd be less housework to do for one thing.

I feel a bit better today because I feel much stronger thanks to your support. I haven't definitely decided to leave (or actually, make him leave) but now I know I could, which feels like a step forward. I'm just thinking, thinking very carefully and objectively. I am very clear that he cannot continue to behave the way he has done because as AF originally said, I have a responsibility to my DD - and I do not want her to think his behaviour is normal or acceptable, for her or any partner she chooses.

That is definitely a big step in the right direction, love

Hi, I just read your posts. You are in good hands here. It's clear you have to leave him, but eventually you need to find out what destined you to become part of his life.

This may hold the key my mother would be so delighted as she doesn't like my husband and to listen to her gloating would be appalling.

If there is bullying in your family (even if it's not directed at you) it is possible that you have normalised this behaviour to a certain extent. Where many women would have turned and fled, you haven't quite been able to see your husband for who he really is.

Good luck - and get a solicitor regarding taking baby abroad. Was she born here?

Not sure how I missed your very last post - but, good on ya mate!

Always good to have a plan !

Great to hear your feeling more positive, get your ducks in a row, find out your options then leave.

All strength to you x

Hello

I am not going to enter the fray as to whether you should or should not leave him but I would say that if you do plan to leave it would be a good idea to see a specialist lawyer before hand to fully understand what your options are.

I am in the opposite(ish) situation. I moved to Australia when pregnant with my DS who was born in Oz - my husband (who wasn't abusive but turned out to be banging a girl at work ; ) left for OW when DS was 2 and I am not able to return to the UK with our son without his permisssion (which I do not have). To win a relocation case here is very hard (and usually only if physical/sexual abuse etc etc). It may not be same exactly but I know that the UK and Australia have signed up to international treaty that deports people back if they leave with children without permission to either country.

Anyway, not saying this to scare you or that it should factor in your decision to stay or go but that to be forwarned is to be forearmed.

Good luck

Wow that's a terrible loophole in the law. imagine how many women are out there, away from home and in failed relationships but not able to go back to their own families.

I can uunderstand why it exists but surely the extended maternal family should have some influence on where children end up.

Hello Everyone,
I am asian and my husband is british. I have been married over year and half. After marriage I have diagnose with some medical disorder and I totally down with financially. Whole through marriage I was so upset and there wasn't a day I didn't cry. Sometimes I couldn't cope with problems so once I decided to harm myself. But I survived. With counseling and other activities I settled down my mind. Two weeks ago suddenly my husband said he wants the divorce. I felt my whole life ruined. Still I am mentally law situation.My husband has mates to talk everything . But I don't want to spread this. I think I have done so many mistake in marriage. But I am totally ready to change my whole life for him. I am living with my in laws. Specially mother in law is big influence for this. "He said he is not happy with me". Till that he was really happy with me. One thing is the next door girl's behavior is quite bad. He used to go there and tell me she is like this and this. But never stop him going there. Few weeks ago some other girl came to look after her. And now she is moving in to next door. My husband spend most time in there.I never accuse him.
I told him I have done so many mistake I am accepting everything.But he is thinking he hasn't done anything wrong.I have been verbally abused a lot. But I never argue like other white girls do . I hear everything and apologies. Now the condition is so bad because on thursday I sent message with explaining every mistake and why did I did that. He was at work in that time. Then he sent me a reply be ready with your stuff when I come home I will throw your arse off with the stuff. I cried whole night and prayed god. If something happen like that I don't have any place to go. He came home took some his stuff and went next door and I think He slept in his sister's house. I don't know is it true 100%. Then next morning he came home and told me I can't sleep in other places sofa. You will have to move somewhere. I am not doing a job because of my medical condition and I am applying some jobs.I am not telling my parents any of this problem because they are very worry about me. First time when I told my dad he started cry. So I thought I won't tell anything else. I thought about writting this today. I can't bear this pain anymore. Because I am seen my husband going out and spend time with some other woman. But I can't tell they are having a affair. Why the hell he is doing this infront of my eyes. According to my culture when we got married we will live the partner forever. I thought he will be the same. And he is trying to divorce me just for small things.He told me he can't sleep in same bed that much he hate me. So I told I can sleep on the floor you can sleep ion the bed.He told I can't spend time with you in same room too. I never shout at him and argue. I always told you are right and I am wrong. Help me . I have totally useless life and I am also human being. There is a limit I can bear these things. I have already planned to do something my self.But worry about my parent because they worry about what will do I . I have to be selfish . My dad will be very upset but I can't cope with this problem alone. So I have decided this.

Please put this in relationships under its own title, you've added it onto the end of an old thread and I'm worried you won't get the help you need if people don't see it, have you heard of woman's aid? You can get loads of support and help from them and also citizens advice bureau can help you, please don't think about harming yourself, there's help out there,

Hi everyone.
I am new to this discussion. But I am going through my husband's arrogance from last 6years. Living nomadic life. He always say to me "get out" every time everyday. Whenever I stared communication with him just reply one thing " if you don't comfort, if you are not happy, then get out , leave me , divorce me" . I am trying to fill the communication gap between us and he?
I lived according to him. He want to come UK from India. I said ok. He mortgage my jewellery. I said no problem. We come here I study after 11 years only for him. I earn he took everything. It's ok for me. But I am also a human being , a lady. After marriage , within this 6years, I never go to salon, no restaurant, no gift from him. I always gave him gifts but he never. We never go for any holidays, not even for no honeymoon.
I don't understand why he feel that I didn't did anything for him. Why he always say get out.

I hate myself now.