I think my husband hates me

[NaturalOptimist]

Sorry, not really posted before and don't know where to start. My husband is so horrible to me, I feel like I cry every day. He just came home from work and said he was going to put the rubbish out. I asked him (nicely!) to add a piece of cardboard that was in the garden to it and he got so angry with me. Said I should pull my thumb out and do it myself, that I'm selfish, always making demands on him. I work full time and do 90% of the housework, rush home from work to look after our DD (18 months) so he can go to work part-time. I feel so isolated, no family in the UK, never go out and have any fun. He says it's because I'm so selfish that I don't have many friends, but I don't think I am. I try to be kind and treat other people with respect.

Crying so much, I can't see to type.

You DO have support. Here we all are.
Just imagine the whole of MN lining up behind you, all on your side, all saying to your husband "this is WRONG and naturalOptimist has HAD ENOUGH"

He is wrong. You are strong.

Never mind if this is your second or 42nd marriage. It is still wrong the way he is treating you

Can you get some legal advice?

OP, ignore my little rant. My despair is for you and all women in a similar situation.

I am so sorry that, for whatever reason, you think that staying with an abuser is the less-awful option

'selfish cunt'...? He said that?

Please don't put up with this. It is not acceptable, you deserve better. Don't let years of your life slip by, wasted on someone who is prepared to treat you like that. You deserve to be happy. Not abused.

Yet I own the house, earn the money and pay all the bills

Thank goodness! Are you married? Are you married in community of property?

What would he do if you looked at him and said calmly, 'please don't speak to me like that'?

What would he do? How would he react?

what would he do if you calmly looked at him and said "that is the last time you will speak to me like that, this is my house, please leave"

My partner is a complete cunt as well. The EA I'd worse than ever and I keep putting up with it. Today I have been diagnosed with PND and he has fucked with my head all day.
Tonight's the night I know I have to sort it
Good luck OP we deserve better! X

If it is YOUR house throw HIM out + get a lodger to help with bills.

Please OP get yr free half hour legal advice + get the life you + DD deserve.

Rowood, I would bet a lot of money your depression will lift when you get 13 stone (or whatever) of cunt out of your life

OP - Please ask him to leave. You are describing a clear cut case of domestic abuse. You are not a failure if you split with this man.

You own the house, earn the money, pay the bills, work full time, do the housework and look after the kid so your nasty husband can work part time and spend all his money on nights out?

1. You have the power to pack his bags while he's out and have the locks changed. (your house and you won't be losing any money from the prick).

1. You may not want a divorce because you want the marriage to work but it's only going to work if you continue allowing this horrible man to bully you and treat you as his skivvy. He will not change. You will be stuck living this way until you get rid of him.

1. You're not a horrible person, he is and he is manipulating you to believe the worst of yourself so he can control you and continue with the easy life he has with you.

1. You can do so much better than him, you're obviously smart, capable, hardworking and you sound like a nice person, recognise your good points and understand that someone like you can easily upgrade. You just need to find your self worth and get rid of the parasite. Treat yourself as you would like your daughter to treat herself as an adult. From future men, expect to be treated as you would like her to be treated by men when she grows up. You're her role model and by taking good care of yourself you will teach her to do the same.

Dear OP,
I have been where you are. It bloody hurts. And I understand the fear of calling someone on the fact that they have called you a c* (sorry that may be a mealy mouthed but I vowed I would never use that word because it was used so often in anger against me).
But it will be the cardboard or because your DD is too loud or because you want a haircut or because you say you are tired or fed up. He doesn't see you, he sees a service and wonders why he dares talk back at him. Read the EA thread, read 'why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft but in the end he does it because he thinks he can get away with it.
AF is right and straight to the point. It hurts, I know it hurts. I am sitting here late at night because I made a mistake in thinking my ex might have learned a little and still feeling hurt because he took my vulnerability over our DC feeling upset as a chance to make a little dig.
He knows how much you want to make it work and is using that to squeeze more out of the relationship for his own selfish ends.
He is a cocklodger so get rid. We are here for you. Sending you strength and un MN hugs

Yes, your husband does hate you.

Do you want to continue cooking, cleaning, paying for, skivvying for, and taking the abuse of such a man when you don't have to, and you deserve SO much better?

He called you a stupid cunt and you only bring this up 20 posts in - you've probably completely normalised this behaviour.

Well, it's not normal and it's not OK. He hates you. Only stay with him if you agree that this is the treatment you deserve.

(It isn't.)

Dear OP,

You have had some really good advice already. I just wanted to say I have been in your shoes, without kids, but with a DP who simply treated me like absolute shit and bled me dry. I did all the work (2 jobs and housework) and he sat on his arse. Even when he got a job he acted lie the great I am and treated me like shit. Everything was my fault, everything was too much to ask. I stuck around for 3 years longer than I should have, all the time waiting for him to change. He never did - he simply got systematically worse.

The best thing to can do is seek legal advice and cut your losses while you can. The thing to remember is YOU don't need HIM... He needs YOU!! And when he realises that he'll come crawling but you just have to keep your resolve.

Really good luck, and remember we are all here to support you - you are most certainly not alone. x

What you are experiencing is verbal and emotional abuse.
It is very common for it to start around pregnancy or the birth of a baby.
This is going nowhere for you or your daughter. You sound very nice and utterly miserable. You are miserable because of your husband's abuse.
You should make plans to get him out as soon as possible.

Don't feel guilty. He regularly shows you no kindness at all, and feels no remorse.

He adds nothing beneficial to your life from how you describe it, but gets to go out every weekend and sleep in. You know this is wrong as you have written on here. Sounds like he knows he does not measure up, but is the type of person that needs to belittle others (ie you) in the hope that he will then comparatively appear in a better light. If you don't do something about it, he will just continue to use this misguided tactic and you will lead a miserable life because of it. The longer it goes on, the more it will sap at your self-worth. What you do about it is up to you and in your hands. You do have the power to change it, by seriously discussing that things need to change or he goes. If he does not take it seriously and continues to disrespect after being given the opportunity to address it then that's his loss and his failure in life, not yours. GL with it, and remember, you can chose to lead a happier life and your child will benefit from seeing you happier growing up. Do it as much for your daughter if not for yourself. She deserves better too.

Thank you ladies for your wise words. You have given me a lot to think about and most importantly helped me see that this is not normal. I am so sorry for anyone else that is suffering too. I can easily feel outraged like AF on your behalf but harder to feel that way for myself.

People who an help: women's aid, you health visitor, your GP, other parents (playgroup etc.). If you do get a lodger you could get one who helps with child are for slightly lower rent, they will at the least tidy up after themselves.

I wish I could take you for coffee this morning. Then I'd come with you to a solicitor, then an estate agent and get your house on the market, and help you start packing to leave the tosser so you can take your dd to where your support network is and start again. I honestly would (and will, if you're in the south west!)

There is a much better life waiting for you. Don't accept this misery as your lot.

Watching and willing you to kick your awful DH out. Please don't let you DD grow up thinking that this is a normal way to behave.

You can do it!

i'm racking my brain trying to think of something that makes you better off with him. or why you would want him to stay?

i think he does actually hate you. you earn the house, you work full time, you look after the house and your gorgeous dd.

you are a superwoman to him and us and he is an inadequate human being.

he has systematically made himself indispensable- he gives you NOTHING.

what would you miss?

the help with the housework?
the help with dd?
his wage?
his abuse?

see? nothing to miss and everything to gain.

he is an ugly person on the inside and he is making you miserable.

please please get some sense of self worth from somewhere us and find the strength to tell yourself that you dont derserve to be treated like this and you are not willing to let some inadequate prick ruin your one life.

• own not earn

and

dispensible not indispensable!

god i need some sleep

sorry

OP - when the big confrontation about his abuse occurs...the one where you have reached the point of finally putting him out...he may well start to attribute his dreadful behaviour to various things.

He may say that you drive him to it. He may say that you are selfish or unloving, or that you wind him up, so therefore, you bring it upon yourself. You don't, and this angle is designed to make his behaviour seem justifiable and even reasonable. It isn't.

He may say he is stressed. Maybe at work, or with the demands of being a father. Maybe because of lack of money. He may behave as though he is ashamed of his anger, but can't help it because he is so stressed. Remember this - he is not abusive because he is angry...he behaves with anger because he is abusive. Make the distinction and be firm on it.

He may say that he has felt shoved out because of your dd. This is a common tactic of abusive men. There is no doubt we love our children more than anything, and abusive men exploit that as a stick to beat their spouses with. It is an effective way of making their wives prioritise their own wishes above all else, while leaving plenty of leverage for guilt mongering should their spouses step out of line.

My point is, there are many things he may say to explain away, and justify his rotten behaviour. He will be convincing too.

Unless he is able to admit he is abusive, and personally take firm and decisive action to seek the appropriate therapy to stop his abuse dead, then he is an absolute dud.

People like him behave the way they do because one way or another, they think they're entitled to and it's ok.
Normal, healthy people do not behave this way, because they know it's not, and there's no pleasure to be found in being a cunt.

All the very best to you. xxx