Cake and eat it?

[Lovingfreedom]

Hello - what do you reckon. I've been seeing a guy for a few months that I met on internet dating site. He seems really keen and we've been in close contact and got quite close. Been away for a couple of weekends together. He comes over and cuts the grass for me. I make him lovely meals. He takes me out for dinner. We have fun. Share sense of humour. He's easy going and understanding. Seems caring and attentive. Very complimentary to me. He says that he loves me, which I don't feel able to reciprocate in as many words although I do 'love' his company. He's said not to worry about this, he's relaxed about it.

I've just come out of a 15 year relationship with a very difficult man and have two children. I suppose I'm not used to being with a guy who is so nice to me. I'm on my guard for evidence that he's going to change or turn. And I'm wondering if I got too involved too quickly and if I would have been better spending more time on my own for a while. I'm not needy - pretty independent and I am calling the shots. I told him before I'm not happy with girlfriend/boyfriend labels but recently has started using these terms again. I'm pretty sure if I asked him to back off he would. It's always been up to me.

I feel pretty comfortable with him sexually etc. I've been more adventurous with him than previous partners and enjoyed it..but perhaps wondering if this is leading somewhere else. Although, he's always respected my boundaries and again, down to me to call shots. Not felt any pressure to do anything I didn't want to. Been really fun.

Dunno...have a trip booked for late July. Part of me thinking about pulling out of this and going on my own. Although I'm also quite excited about going with him. Aaahh!! I think I want cake and eat it. I like having a man, and the sex of course, as well as knocking about with him..but also like freedom of being single. I'm not sure what my problem is! Just looking for some feedback I suppose.

Although I've used it on numerous occasions, I don't get the expression 'having your cake and eating it'. If you have a cake what else can you do with it except eat it? Feed it to the birds?

In any event, it sounds to me as if you're long overdue for a spot of lotus cake scoffing and while you continue to retain a healthy cynicism sceptism about this guy's true intent, why not enjoy his company and see where the road leads you?

My only reservation is that a man who declares his love early in a relationship may be emotionally needy or manipulative but that doesn't negate you being a man-magnet; a vision of lovelieness that overwhelms hard-boiled logic resistance to the notion of love at first sight.

A faint bell rang at your mention of being more sexually adventurous with him than with your previous partners but as long as he observes your boundaries, and you're resolved to cut him loose (no pun intended) if he doesn't, enjoy! - with the proviso that you please regale us with all the details if he asks you to indulge in golden showers

Well he certainly sounds like he's doing everything right, from what you describe! If he really is that much of an open and honest but no-pressure guy, then just go with the flow.

How long did you leave between ending your 15 year relationship and starting this one? You say you've "just" ended it, but also that you had been with New Man for several months. Are you over your last relationship? Do you think you maybe haven't processed the end of this relationship, and New Man's presence is interfering with closure?

I share izzy's tiny alarm bell and also her feelings about the expression "have your cake and eat it."

Another tiny alarm bell at him using the terms boyfriend and girlfriend when you have asked him not to. But it's really got a tiny little ring only.

If you were enjoying your newly recovered singledom, why did you join a dating site?

After attaining a certain age, being regarded as 'girlfriend' and 'boyfriend' is fainty ridiculous. He's your current squeeze or paramour, and you're his. Anything more is in the lap of the gods.

What is this guy's history? Has he been been married/divorced? Does he have dc? Is he older/younger/same age as you? Is he a high flier careerwise? Does he live locally?

Hi and thanks both. My ex moved out at the beginning of November but break-up had been going on really since previous May/June. By the time he left I was certain and have not really looked back. So I don't hanker after him - it's not that. When I see him I don't feel anything for him romantically or sexually. I've broken away completely. At the same time I don't really like the thought of being someone's girlfriend. The previous relationship has put me off getting anything like that for a long while, but I do enjoy having male company. I've surprised myself how much I've fallen for new man, but at same time sometimes feels a bit scary.

At other times, I feel totally in control and could change it/end it any time should that be necessary. Maybe not cake and eat it but confused.com! I don't think the sex thing is too much of a red flag really as he seems very respectful of my wishes/boundaries and so far I've been at least as suggestive as him. I suppose I have a slight concern that he might be in into something that he hasn't mention yet but is working up to but I suppose I can cross that bridge if and when I come to it!

I suppose it's because I didn't see it coming the last time, I'm worried about getting involved and sucked into another emotionally abusive or controlling relationship without noticing.

Just remember that if, at any point, you decide that the relationship isn't working out for you, it's fine to bin the man. You don't need his permission to do so, and if his feelings are hurt it's basically tough shit: no one owes anyone a relationship (though if you decide to bin someone who hasn't done anything awful but who you just don't want to be with any more, it's nice to be as civil about it as possible.)

Izzy I joined the dating site because I thought it would be good to have someone to go to the cinema with (male company) etc. Not to find a 'relationship'. Had had sex with the same man for 15 years though and always been completely faithful so couldn't bring myself to do NSA dating - felt that I needed to be able to trust someone. Also, started enjoying his company a lot more than I expected. Partly stayed with my ex for so long because we shared sense of humour and I stupidly told myself that was really really rare and worth hanging onto. This guy is funnier than my ex and nice too.

By the time I met this guy I'd decided not to do internet dating and we agreed to be friends. But then it developed.

He is widowed. Same age as me (early 40s). No kids but 2 step children (grown up) that he's really close to. Regular kind of job - not high flier but is solvent/does ok financially. Lives about 20 miles away from me (that's fine with me/him).

Part of me thinks I'm putting a rose-tinted spin on it...at same time I think I'm just terrified of getting sucked in again....then some of the time I'm feeling happier and more contented (and in control) than for years. And people are telling me that I look great/happy etc. I am all over the place today. Sorry!

I'm in a similar situation to you. Very wary, separated from (an ultimately horrid) 16 year relationship fairly recently.

Personally, I joined an online dating site out of curiosity. I wasn't looking for a relationship but I wanted to see if there were any single, half-decent men out there (I work mainly with women, so limited opportunities for window shopping etc), and I wanted to get some feedback on whether I was still "marketable".
I went on a few dates, all just fun, interesting etc then I met someone who is really lovely, have loads in common with etc and have started seeing. It is very scary but thank goodness for MN! Any alarm bells can easily be checked out on here. If it leads somewhere it leads somewhere, if not then I will have some time and space to myself. I am quite relaxed about it.

What sort of thing do you think he is leading up to? I saw a guy (briefly) who I strongly suspected had fantasies that involved blurring the area of consent, which was a no, no for me so I got rid.

I think in the phrase "have your cake and eat it", the word "have" means "keep" which then makes sense. You can't keep a cake if you have eaten it iyswim.

No one can tell you whats best for you. You will decide in time.

Given that I can't keep anything other than Christmas cake for longer than 5 minutes, the saying's never made sense for me but thanks to you, Lollipop, light is dawning! I guess it's not much different from saying 'you can't have it both ways' in that if you eat the cake you can't also keep it.

Maybe you've struck gold of the type that would arouse envy on the internet dating thread, freedom. It may transpire that your paramout is more akin to pyrite but, as you don't seem to be a fool, I reckon you're
capable of not allowing romanticism to transport you to the realms of the fairies where he's concerned.

If you keep your feet on the ground and your head out of the clouds I don't see why you shouldn't have a steady supply of cake to munch, albeit temporarily

Thanks for all your helpful posts. Lollipop I wasn't talking about blurring consent - he's not at all into that kind of thing. He seems to like the idea of other men finding his girlfriend attractive - I haven't experienced this before, although so far he says it's fantasy rather than what he wants to do. He just wants to be with his 'girlfriend'. lol...(who's that?).

Izzy yes I could imagine that golden showers could be something he might consider (I've read the thread...no way a man is every p*ing on me either literally or metaphorically... if they want me to do it to them...well...hmm...not in my house but if someone else is happy to deal with the mess, why not?!). That's a bit of a diversion from my original concerns but...hey ho!!

I'm saying too much here. My concerns are not sexual (but as 50 shades of grey is sold out everywhere...there you go!). I'm more worried that after getting sucked into a relationship that was a nightmare last time, I'd miss the signs again and do it all over again.

He seems to like the idea of other men finding his girlfriend attractive

Oh dear. I suspect the days of having your cake and eating it may be shortlived

LF speaking as someone with a very highly-tuned twat radar, this guy seems ok so far

does that help at all ?

I think you thought you could be free and easy and do the FWB thing for a while, but are finding yourself in something a bit more than that ? Maybe time for you to have a good hard think about what you want, and make sure that he isn't (subtly, but nevertheless still...) driving this

what has he actually said/hinted re. this "other men finding your gf attractive" ?

could be a bit weird, could simply be a pride thing of having an attractive woman on his arm

which do you think it is, and what made you say "building up to something" ? what ?

From your posts I don't think you would miss the signs ... but just be careful you aren't looking too hard for them and spoiling what could be a good thing.
The fact that he is letting you call the shots is a good thing.
When I met DP I spent the first 6 months waiting for him to 'turn'. But he didn't and he still hasn't.
Not all men are bastards - there are some good ones!

Yes AF that is probably close to it. At one level I think, well it's only a label. What does it matter? What would I/he be doing differently if we were BF/GF? I think it's after having been in such a controlling relationship before where there were no proper barriers and I kind of lost myself...I associate GF with 'belonging' or some sense of ownership/control/commitment or at least set of expectations that I'm not at all comfortable with. But this guy does seem ok so far. I raised this briefly with him and he says that guys like my ex fuck things up for normal guys and not to tar him with the same brush.

Cross posted. Yes, Kaluki I'm also concerned that I might do just what you warn of too!

AF I'm not too worried about the sex thing. I can handle all that. It's a bit more than having attractive woman on his arm...but well within the levels of fantasy that I can deal with. Erm..possibly interest in swinging etc but maybe not and you know..I can handle that conversation too if it arises.

TBH we've exchanged some pretty fruity emails and then he's occasionally been concerned he might have crossed a line. I've enjoyed them and the only thing I've been nervous about has been use of the word 'girlfriend' etc. None of the graphic sex, fantasy etc bothers me at all! lol.

I think the worst case scenario re other men is that he would want to watch his GF having sex with another man (or then getting ecxited about you) - which is not exactly everyone's cup of tea! but if he says it's only a fantasy, then you may be ok.

'them getting excited', I meant

Guys like your ex fuck up the women in their lives and a fucked up woman can be a magnet for abusers of all types.

Are you feeling that this guy is love-bombing you?

Izzy I'm not sure entirely what you mean by that expression but, yes, I think he is a bit

The rules for you are the same as for every other person:

Do what makes YOU happy. If you're enjoying yourself and this guy makes you happy and treats you nicely, carry on! Go at the pace that's comfortable for YOU. It's perfectly fine to remain casually dating for as long as you like, so long as you are upfront with the guy about what you're doing.

The moment that you feel unhappy, feel bored, or just decide you don't want to see him anymore for ANY reason, you walk. You're not obliged to be in a relationship or to be responsible for his happiness.

You have control of your own life. I think you just need to get used to that idea

Izzy - what is love bombing?
I'm intrigued

Love bombing is a method used by cults/religious groups to brainwash recruit/convert new members. It's a calculated show of affection intended to influence.

If he hangs on your every word, showers you with compliments, and is uncommonly physically affectionate outside of the bedroom, I suggest you make discreet enquries as to what his late dw died of.

What???