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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Cake and eat it?

71 replies

Lovingfreedom · 25/06/2012 19:19

Hello - what do you reckon. I've been seeing a guy for a few months that I met on internet dating site. He seems really keen and we've been in close contact and got quite close. Been away for a couple of weekends together. He comes over and cuts the grass for me. I make him lovely meals. He takes me out for dinner. We have fun. Share sense of humour. He's easy going and understanding. Seems caring and attentive. Very complimentary to me. He says that he loves me, which I don't feel able to reciprocate in as many words although I do 'love' his company. He's said not to worry about this, he's relaxed about it.

I've just come out of a 15 year relationship with a very difficult man and have two children. I suppose I'm not used to being with a guy who is so nice to me. I'm on my guard for evidence that he's going to change or turn. And I'm wondering if I got too involved too quickly and if I would have been better spending more time on my own for a while. I'm not needy - pretty independent and I am calling the shots. I told him before I'm not happy with girlfriend/boyfriend labels but recently has started using these terms again. I'm pretty sure if I asked him to back off he would. It's always been up to me.

I feel pretty comfortable with him sexually etc. I've been more adventurous with him than previous partners and enjoyed it..but perhaps wondering if this is leading somewhere else. Although, he's always respected my boundaries and again, down to me to call shots. Not felt any pressure to do anything I didn't want to. Been really fun.

Dunno...have a trip booked for late July. Part of me thinking about pulling out of this and going on my own. Although I'm also quite excited about going with him. Aaahh!! I think I want cake and eat it. I like having a man, and the sex of course, as well as knocking about with him..but also like freedom of being single. I'm not sure what my problem is! Just looking for some feedback I suppose.

OP posts:
dondon33 · 26/06/2012 20:10

Shall we make it joint venture? We could advertise our wares on this site
Why not Izzy, I'm sure MN wouldn't mind but I'm not and I repeat NOT modelling any of our fucked up wares. :)

In answer to a question I think Anyfucker asked.... IMO sometimes it's "easier" to experiment/explore and push boundaries with new partners or a sexual acquaintance's .... kind of because they've got no reason to judge you. IME I'm not arsed what they think of my fantasies perversions if they don't like then say so or don't come back for more.
I'm experimental (shall we say) by nature so enjoy trying new things but hit a wall with my ex because like someone else posted before, I was made to feel like a slut and was berated for it. Hope you see what I mean, I've waffled :)

solidgoldbrass · 26/06/2012 20:30

Firstly, I hate to disappoint you mundane con artists but there are already plenty of companies supplying gas masks in a range of styles and colours to those who find them erotic.

Secondly, sounding out a new partner on whether s/he might be interested in swinging, golden showers or BDSM doesn't necessarily make someone evil and dangerous. Plenty of nice people have slightly non-mainstream sexual interests, and if they never mentioned them to new partners in case the new partner ran off shrieking in terror or called the police, they might actually miss out on a good time because the new partner might actually be just as keen, or at least interested in the activity, but reluctant to be the first to mention it.

Nice people with kinks might hint, or ask a new partner, but nice people don;t push it, whether it's a kink, wanting straightforward sex, or wanting an exclusive relationship. Definition of a good person has to include that the person will take no for an answer.

Lovingfreedom · 28/06/2012 19:45

I was away for a day...and have come back to all this! lol. THANKS!! I did say that I'm not concerned about sex side of things but your comments are appreciated and interesting. AF I do take your point, and I am a big fan of your advice generally. In this case, though, I feel that exploring sex is one of the benefits (not really BDSM, despite mention of handcuffs, which actually still in the packaging!) of the 'relationship'. I don't feel I need to push boundaries for this or other man, or to make myself something I'm not. In fact I always found my previous partner (my ex H) a bit 'vanilla' in this sense and as I mentioned earlier, he tended to use any suggestions I made against me as insults or to question my fidelity etc.

I feel a lot more comfortable and confident even to be naked or to show my body in any way these days. Partly it's because with this guy, he seems to appreciate it so much and, importantly, doesn't prod me or point out the wobbly bits/imperfections etc like my ex did (I'm a size 8 btw so don't wobble that much - v flat chested but more generous back-side). But it's also that now I"ve got shot of Mr Fucking Perfect on everyone else's behalf, I have a much more 'take it or leave it' attitude and happier to explore what I want.

I agree with Dondon33 to an extent. I don't 'care' so much what new man thinks, how he judges me. But, in some ways I do also feel that I can trust him more if anything. This is because so far he's reacted to everything in a very reasonable, understanding, caring etc way. New partner might at some point suggest things that my ex never would, I wouldn't be surprised. But unlike my ex, I'm pretty sure he would take 'no' for an answer without sulking or taking offense or trying to force it. And I'm not saying that because he's asked me to do things and I keep saying no. It's because he seems concerned to check I'm comfortable/happy etc when I've been instigator IYSWIM.

The worries I had were more around how to have a 'normal' relationship with a man. Not get caught up on a trajectory to being with them round the clock, sucked into being monitored, controlled, manipulated, taken advantage of, lied to etc. I am used to being with a childish, demanding, unreasonable, dishonest, lazy and highly manipulative man who I thought I loved (!). It's not easy adjusting...or letting myself trust someone new.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/06/2012 20:17

Hey, LF, I think you'll be ok, dude Wink

Lovingfreedom · 28/06/2012 23:37

Aw thanks AF!! TBH, as soon as this guy puts a foot wrong, or starts getting up my nose he'll be pretty much out the door. I did panic at the love-bombing comments...but then I think I am on my guard. I can walk away anytime I like. Thanks everyone. For the entertainment as well as the advice! x

OP posts:
dondon33 · 29/06/2012 19:52

I am used to being with a childish, demanding, unreasonable, dishonest, lazy and highly manipulative man who I thought I loved

Wow what a guy :) Sounds like a prize cunt catch :)
Seriously good luck to you in your relationship however you choose it to work out. x

MissFaversam · 29/06/2012 20:59

Just don't fall into the legs a kimbo trap OP.

Mumsyblouse · 29/06/2012 21:14

Well, he will put a foot wrong. He's a human being. He can't be Mr Perfect all the time and if he is, and pays you lovely compliments and sees you as his girlfriend (after a few months) he's accused of love-bombing! (I would be suspicious of someone who claimed you were beautiful and he was in love after two dates, but after some months, surely this is normal).

You sound very wary and after your experiences, I understand that. I think this guy might be able to cope with that though. If not, it's not to be, but perhaps he'll be persistent in the face of considerable suspicion and if so, that could be something really good.

But whatever happens, you are in control and don't have to proceed with the relationship if you don't want to, it is entirely up to you as SGB says.

Lovingfreedom · 29/06/2012 21:37

Claims???.... I am beautiful!! lol. Know what you mean though Mumsyblouse. I am really tolerant and easy-going naturally. That's how I stayed with my ex for so long. MissF what is the legs a kimbo trap? I'm confused again!

OP posts:
MissFaversam · 29/06/2012 23:13

I really don't know why OP but I find him sort of creepy, can't explain it at all, just a feeling and I'm probably way off bat here.

AnyFucker · 29/06/2012 23:18

"legs akimbo trap"

being led by your fanjo, instead of your brain ?

Lovingfreedom · 29/06/2012 23:36

Thanks! What is it that you find creepy MissF? I find it interesting that you've said that. And thanks for being so up-front. I really appreciate it cos all my friends are one track romantics!
Being led by my 'fanjo' (excellent expression - thanks for that AF) is not that bad if I don't leave lose of other things at the same time (money, house, friendships, time with kids, self respect etc etc).

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/06/2012 23:45

it can be easy to forget about those other small considerations, when the fanjo does the talking Wink

MissFaversam · 29/06/2012 23:45

I can't put my finger on it OP to be honest and maybe it's me projecting. I'm just scared for you somehow because as much as you say you're getting your rocks off every which way and your ecstatic by him calling you beautiful in my head I'm saying "well he would wouldnt he".

For some bizaar reason, which I haven't ever fathomed by the way, most and I say most (trying not to generalise) always like the whore for playtime and the "good girl" for a relationship if you see what I mean.

Therefore if you're having fun exploring all hail to you, if you deep down want this to turn into a relationship, be cautious.

By the way it's just what I have learned in my 50 years and i may be sooo wrong.

AnyFucker · 29/06/2012 23:51

MissF, stop apologising for having your opinion Smile

MissFaversam · 30/06/2012 00:03

Thanks AF.

Lovingfreedom · 30/06/2012 00:05

Well thank you for that explanation MissF. I don't know what you mean but I feel like he wants more of a relationship than I do. Maybe I've got that wrong though?? It's not all sex, by any means. In fact, he doesn't like to have sex if kids are about (i.e. asleep in their own rooms!) but will stay over and kiss and cuddle etc. Also, he's had a kidney stone last couple of weeks which has caused a lot of pain and put him off sex (he's been pretty apologetic) but he's still wanted to do things like come along to support me when I've played with the band I'm in, we've been out for lunch and for a walk and stuff....and he stayed over without sex. He comes over and cuts the grass. He was going to run me to the station tomorrow and showed concern about whether my tyres and pumped up etc. I don't think he perceives me as a 'whore' at all. Dunno...I do know what you mean though...I suspect he might be on best behaviour still and might revert to some less desirable practices at some point.

But he's not showing that so far and I could prob give the guy a chance! lol. I'm off on hols now for a week with the kids. I'm not going to take internet or phone (well I will take my phone but I'm not going to use it). I'll get a break , get my head together, enjoy my kids and some sunshine and...who knows...maybe I'll do a Shirley Valentine and just follow my fanjo and stay out there instead of coming back to this rain rain rain.

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 30/06/2012 00:06

Sorry MissF I meant to say that I do know what you mean! lol. Sorry couple of glasses of chardonnay and I'm anyone's...as you've probably guessed by now. xx

OP posts:
MissFaversam · 30/06/2012 00:10

No Freedom you arent anyones, you belong to you. have a fab holiday.

Lovingfreedom · 30/06/2012 00:14

lol - thanks MissF!! And thanks for taking the time to reply to my thread and all your thoughtful comments and advice. I really appreciate it and it does help. And also...before all this when I was still in transition from and getting out of my marriage I don't know what I would have done without MN support - fantastic - amazing what women can do when we put our heads and hearts together and support one another eh? Take care. xx

OP posts:
MissFaversam · 30/06/2012 00:17

My wise old dad used to say "keep your hand on your ha,penny and your cab fare home"

A parting gift for you.

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