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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help

67 replies

AnAirOfHope · 25/06/2012 17:54

Husband lied to me again its the 6th time. I thru him out last time but give him one more chance and today he blow it.

I asked him to leave and he has but my three yo is now crying and screaming for daddy and i feel like im going to die.

How do i make this better for son?

OP posts:
Marne · 25/06/2012 17:58

stay strong, your DS will be fine, you have done the right thing. Once a liar always a liar, the next dew days may be hard for your ds but he will be ok.

Dprince · 25/06/2012 17:58

You can only comfort him. Are the lies big lies? Not that it really matters, but is it something you can't fix or get past?

HepHep · 25/06/2012 17:59

It will get better my lovely, hang in there. Do you have anyone you can confide in in RL as well? What was the thing he lied about, and is the house in both your names or just yours, etc? x

Original poster
AnAirOfHope · 25/06/2012 18:01

I have no friends here or family. My family is not supportive anyway. Its just me and my kids.

OP posts:
Tambasher · 25/06/2012 18:04

You won't die, you may feel like you are dying but be strong, cry if you need to (kitchen/loo) hug your son, you cannot make it better, you can be there for him. I'm sorry, ime there is nothing worse than a compulsive liar.

Tambasher · 25/06/2012 18:04

You have no friends or family, you do however have Mumsnet, use it Smile

Original poster
AnAirOfHope · 25/06/2012 18:06

I give him chance after chance to male it better and he lied to my face when the proof was right in front of him.

He looked at porn and then lied and said it wasnt him. Its the lieimg that i cant stand. Our relationship not great anyway.

The last time was 2 and half years ago. I teally thpight it would be ok

and now there is a little girl with no dad at home.

Im so stupid.

OP posts:
Tambasher · 25/06/2012 18:09

You are not stupid.

You gave him a choice, tell the truth or lie, he lied, he could have been upfront and told you about the porn, the truth hurts but lies well they...kill relationships, this is not your fault.

Most men do watch porn but if he knew this was an issue he should have talked it through with you.

Original poster
AnAirOfHope · 25/06/2012 18:20

I dont mind the porn its the lieing about it and the no sexual contact between us that kill it for me.

He know it was the liying and not the porn.

He just couldnt be honest with me and i dont want that type of relationship.

I have no job no money and cant drive and no support but i know i can do this on my own i have no other option.

OP posts:
LurkingAndLearningForNow · 25/06/2012 18:26

Okay maybe this is the wrong thing to say but going by your thread title, six times in your marriage he has looked at porn, and the last time was over two years ago? Leaving him over that seems a bit...Extreme. Maybe counselling?

Are there other issues? Sorry if I've said the wrong thing.

Tambasher · 25/06/2012 18:28

Yes you can, Smile

He lied, he knew you didn't want him to lie, he had every chance to be a grown man and be truthful he chose to lie, let him deal with that.

My Ex left (thankfully) after lying for 15 years and most of it was about porn, funnily enough he left for a 24 year old, slutty type... when we were not sleeping together anymore due to his lying.

Be strong, you will be fine.

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 25/06/2012 18:30

Well, I'm young and naive. Ignore my post OP it wasn't appropriate and I apologise.

Tambasher · 25/06/2012 18:31

No that wasn't inappropriate I don't think. Confused

I think the issue here is the lying more than the porn, unfortunately, have you tried couselling regarding his lying ?

Dprince · 25/06/2012 18:45

I wouldn't say its inappropriate either. Its a valid question.
OP you can do this. You are not stupid, he is. My dh looks at porn occasionally, he is open about it and I am open that I don't mind. That said if it was damaging our sex life I wouldn't be happy. If he lied I would feel the same as you.
Do you really feel its over? Or are you angry and may come round? Is counselling an option. Remember you don't have to make any permanent decisions now. Take your time and do what's right for you and dd.

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 25/06/2012 18:47

I felt bad because I asked it because I am young, and even though I have a DO I love very much and live with, I felt a bit inappropriate questioning. Blush

Tambasher · 25/06/2012 18:51

Don't worry MN is a nosy place, if you don't ask the questions you never get to the truth, or the point or something... I also post then think "oh shit should I have typed that" Shock Smile

I agree this could maybe be worked on and no hard fast decisions need to be made right now, men do tend to watch porn, which is not a problem unless it affects the marriage/relationship.

Lying sucks but can also be worked on, if he wants to!

Dprince · 25/06/2012 19:01

Its good to ask questions. Sometimes, when people are wrapped up in emotion, a question can make them consider another angle or perhaps another option. Its all about delivery. I'll admit I don't always get the delivery right, so don't worry

Tambasher · 25/06/2012 19:03

Ditto Smile

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 25/06/2012 19:24

Oh phew, thanks for being so sweet ladies.

So much for this 'nest of vipers' I keep hearing so much about. Wink

Hope you're holding up okay OP hugs

Tambasher · 25/06/2012 19:30

Ah nest of vipers.... nah, well yeah there are/were some but not me, never did like that saying, okay it's not netmums and people didn't give hugs but some people need hugs now and then ya know Wink

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 25/06/2012 19:33

Hugs are wonderful, as long as they're not given because your child beat another child at school at a game.

That is the difference between mumsnet and netmums Wink

Tambasher · 25/06/2012 19:47

Wow you are learning quickly!! Grin

Sorry I may have taken attention away from OP.

Hope you are okay!!

Idreamof · 25/06/2012 20:19

I find viscerally repulsive for a father to watch porn.
Realistically, porn users are not all lads about town, I know.
But the equation: daddy + watching young people being degraded = very wrong.
"stumbling" on something once in a blue moon, and away from home, maybe, this is the world we live in.
But at home, and as a habit/ addiction and being lied to about it, it's sick.imo

Original poster
AnAirOfHope · 25/06/2012 20:25

Kids not sleeping.

I may give up and watch a film down staire with them!

He lied about money as well but its the thinhs i dont know he lied to me about that is unsettleing.

He left too easy i think he might have someone else lined up. He disenaged ages ago.

OP posts:
Shirsten · 25/06/2012 20:27

The lying plus the porn was one of the final straws for me (it took one more thing) to break up with my horrible ex.

I remember reading a great quote about lying. If someone lies to you once, it can be a mistake. Twice - be wary but it can still be a mistake. Three times and you have a problem on your hands.

Anairofhope - I'm really impressed that you were strong enough to throw your husband/partner out after you set a boundary and he didn't stick to it. You will survive though I know it feels horrible right now.

FWIW, I think you've done the right thing. If it's meant to be, he'll need to earn your trust again.