Help

[AnAirOfHope]

Husband lied to me again its the 6th time. I thru him out last time but give him one more chance and today he blow it.

I asked him to leave and he has but my three yo is now crying and screaming for daddy and i feel like im going to die.

How do i make this better for son?

We have a 6 month old dd. i watch the porn video and i just kept thinking what if that was her or her friend in 18 years time?

The video clip was just women playing with themselves.

I also feel stupid cos i could have done that but i guess im not young enough or
slutty enough.

He doesnt think he has done anything wrong :(

They never do ime Airofhope

Hope you are okay and wrong about his willingness to leave, did he say where he was going ? When he will be in touch? Has he tried to call?

I have txt him. He is at his mums.

I told him to pick the kids up on friday for contact.

Thats it.

Im not upset about relationship just for my children. My dd is only 6 months old and she will never know what its like to live with daddy and mummy.

My 3 yo was screaming for him to stay and was sick twice and has just cried himself to sleep.

The selfish git didnt just hurt me but his children

It does hurt. I still sometimes grieve for the loss of my marriage, not because of my EX just the "family" thing, my boys were in bits when their Dad left, my eldest was 10, he was sobbing his little heart out and begging his Dad not to leave.. so I can imagine what you are going through.

Take a nice bath if you can and try to relax and get some sleep, I will check back in the morning to see how you are, try not to over think things just now and see how things go, ifI could do anything differently I would have not over-thought everything, I think you may see him before Friday if he gets his way, I could be wrong.

Have you made a decision set in stone that this is it? Is watching porn maybe something he got into whilst you were pregnant (no excuse but it's been known) ?

Was his lying perhaps because he was scared of your reaction? Again no excuse, but sometimes what they do.

I hope you can get some rest tonight.

OP, I hope you are ok today. It seems the lying is a usual occurrence.
The other thing with porn, is that if your partner disagrees with it or the porn itself upsets them then it should stop. I know if i told dh i didn't like him watching it, it made me feel sick etc. He would stop, he doesn't like porn that much its worth hurting me for.
The fact that he doesn't know what he has done wrong shows his true feelings. He isn't considerate of you and thinks lying is ok as long as he gets what he wants.
You can do this and the kids will get used to it. Its better that their mummy is happy than getting to live with mummy and daddy and being miserable. Good luck.

The lying is a huge red flag - a habit of being secretive and of deceit is not healthy.

You have the right to feel that way about porn - not all men use it. Mine doesn't anymore after we did some reading about the realities of the porn industry and I made it clear that it would be a dealbreaker.

Porn use is also another red flag.

With the disengagement you mention along with the above red flags, be prepared for the discovery that he has already got someone else.

Good luck.

bad night with the children and i had no sleep but im ok.

He txt me to not tell anyonr yet and to come round tonight to talk. i said no wednesday as ds in nursary and not here.

Then he said his brother made him feel unwelcome. so im expecting a young female coworker to put him up!

He has watch porn thru whole of relationship i dont mind he knows i dont mind he could have just said it was him and i would have been upset but not throw him out but he chose to lie.

Lieing is the bealbreaker for me.

we went to relate about it. He said he would stop looking at porn that it was only once every three months. I found a download on his phone and kicked him out when he said it wasnt him lol

I have no idea why he chose to throw his family away for some girl playing with herself but he did.

The leing is stupid to its only me or him on laptop and it wasnt me!

He said i love you but i know you dont love me and i want you to be happy so i will do what you want and leave.

If you do not have a problem with porn, then why is he lying about using it?

The problem with porn, especially internet porn is that it is very addictive and so easy to obtain - if he knows you don't mind using porn then there is not much incentive for him stop using it.

The lying could be an ingrained habit and needs addressing. Lying to you shows a lack of respect for you.

Back to the lying - you say he has lied about other things. Was it just money?

Lying is often a form of controlling and manipulative behaviour - he knows its destructive and yet still lies. You have done the right thing.

In relate he said it was the feeling of being naughty that he liked. Doing it behind my back and then trying to hide it from me. I told him im not his mum and he can do it but if i ask dont ley just tell me.

His mum and dad ley alot about everything from little to big things. He has learned it from them.

We were trying to break the habit and be honest and open. I though we were doing good but as soon as i give him enough rope he dose it again. I think it has always been there but i only found out once we were married.

After last tine i asked him not to look at porn and not to ley about it or we would have to seperate. He fully understood what would happen and he chose to do it again.

Oh Air So sorry your going thru this.

I agree, your 'D'H is an adult and shouldn't be lying about it, especially as he knows it's a deal breaker.

Thinking of you & the kids x

After last tine i asked him not to look at porn

But why ask him not to look at it if you are ok with porn? You keep contradicting yourself which is confusing.

Sounds like lying is learnt behaviour but this bit makes him sound very dodgy it was the feeling of being naughty that he liked

The lying is something only he can address himself, you cannot change him.

However you can only change how you deal with it and you have done that by asking him to leave.

Thanks DSM :(

I think he has a porn addition. He has to do it every three months but i think its everyday.

I dont have a problem with porn as long as it does not affect the relationship. He would perfer to watch porn than have sex with me. Thats a problem.

Leying means there is not trust in the relationship. It is over. I tried to help him in relate now im leaving the relationship.

Im not upset or surprised but feel like i have done all i could to sort it out and at the end of the day he needs to do it. He hasnt.

I just feel sorry for our children and i hope i can get a job and that i can wean her of breastmilk and she is not allergic to ff.

Its shit right now but im ok and i have been thru worse.

Try get some rest if you can today.

Thinking of you, it's tough but you can do this.

Better being alone and happy than together and miserable/suspicious.

I get it now - not surprised his porn has affected the relationship

Yes, you have done all you can and you can be proud of yourself.

Remember that he chose to check out of the marriage and that he made these choices.

You sound very strong. Wishing you all the best x

Air You've done the right thing for you & the kids. You can do this

Your H chose to check out of your marriage by lying. You are not the one in the wrong. Although it may feel that way. Try and stay positive for yourself and the kids x

Sorry you're going through this air. You've done all you can, it was him to chose this path, not you. Take care of yourself and remember where we are if you need us.

((((hug)))))

Sorry to hear this Air give DD a cuddle from me

Hi Air

Your name is fab on here. Show's me you DO think there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Seems like you have done everthing you could possibly do to salvage this.

Your children are still very young and they will adapt rather quickly.

Hugs for you and well done for getting him out of the door.

gerr cant stop crying someone slap me!

I guess its normal to greave for the family i have lost.

Just wished he way upset and understood what he did :(

He will probably never understand what he did, but as long as you understand then you'll be ok. You stuck to your boundaries, decided not to tolerate someone who didn't respect you enough to be honest and open with you and you have taken care of your own needs by leaving a relationship with a man who finds slutty strangers more of a turn on than the mother of his child.

You don't need to rush out and get a job, you will get plenty of financial support with 2 young DCs. Check out where you stand as a single parent and breathe a huge sigh of relief that you have made a very difficult decision at a point when it will have least impact on your precious DCs (mine are that bit older and I really wish I'd done it years ago so that we'd all had time to move on, instead of prolonging the inevitable).

You will be fine, once the grieving passes you will see hope and freedom to find your own way. x

so stbxh wants to know why i cant be civil, pleasant and friendly with him and why he cant live somewhere else but still do family activities with me and the children.

What is the polite correct answer to the above please?

Ignore him.

Or tell him he made the choice to check out of his marriage and family life by refusing to stop using porn.

And keep repeating if necessary - do not get into a debate.