Help

[AnAirOfHope]

Husband lied to me again its the 6th time. I thru him out last time but give him one more chance and today he blow it.

I asked him to leave and he has but my three yo is now crying and screaming for daddy and i feel like im going to die.

How do i make this better for son?

Doing - those "slutty strangers" are real people, often abused and vulnerable women who feel they have no choice except to stay in the industry

I ended a 12 yr relationship a couple of years ago, was left with a 3yr old, she was upset. Would cry for him at bedtime etc, broke my heart as i blamed myself. It took a while to realise that it wasn't my fault. Staying with someone for the childs sake really doesn't work, i tried that for the first 3 years of DD's life. He will soon get used to daddy not living at home, he will put you to the test though, so be prepared for that. But be strong, good for you for doing it! It takes alot to do and is hard going, but you'll come out of it being a happier mummy/person :) Hope you're ok

I need to disenage with him and sort my self out with money and a rouutine.

I will drive my self nuts trying to make him get it. I need to stop and fouce on me and my children.

I want to stay here because my son has friends and is starting a new good school in september and im not alone i have them to take care of and i will make friends at school gate and from work when i get a job.

I can do this and make us happy.

exactly!! Positive thinking! You can do it! My ex tried telling me i'd need him, even if it was just for money. I proved him wrong! I made it on my own and was so much happier for it.

Madabouthotchoc - I know what you're saying and I realise that they are generally vulnerable young women, but do you think her H does? To him they are slutty strangers, they do not represent a real woman or real emotions or anything 'real', they are just there for his titilation (sp?) and entertainment, as objects.

Charllie, well done you. That's my goal too - to be financially self-sufficient so that I don't have to worry if the maintenance stops rolling in (as I hear it too often does).

OP - you can do it!

Doing - I can see that but to others reading your post, they may not see that. I think far too many people (generally speaking) tend dehumanise women in porn films

DoingItForMyself in the divorce petition i've refused to go for maintenance, the reason being - i don't want a penny from him, i can do this on my own and don't need his money, plus he's the sort of person who would turn around and say 'you shouldn't be spending my money like that' etc and would see it that he has some control over me still. Being self-sufficient is a great feeling, yes some months are a struggle, but i know its me that is doing it, me that is coping with it, dealing with it etc :) you'll love the feeling once you get there :D

I totally agree with the dehumanising of women in porn. If you look in their eyes you can see how unhappy they are :-(

I asked him if he felt like he objectify women and disrected them he said no it was there so he watched it. He said that rational thought goes out the window with an addition. He just had to watch and didnt think about me, our relationship or our children.

I asked if he would support our dd in 18 years if she wanted to work in porn and he said no of course not. So why is it ok for you to watch them then. see above and repeat!

I didnt have a.problem with porn till i had a dd and now i just cant see porn the same anymore.

I feel rejected over it. I feel like he could make time to watch porn but not to give me a hug or kiss. That he didnt see me when having sex but them.

That having our children ment nothing. My feeling ment nothing. He didnt care about making me happy.

oh honey. What you have just said reinforces why you have made the right decision.

Hopefully in time, you will find someone else who will make you feel loved and respected - this man never will and that is his loss.

You have been given wonderful advice here, it is tough beinig a single parent but to be very honest with you, my EX was was watching porn in front of my DC, I did not know this until he left and my DS advised me, I felt enough at that so cannot imagine how I would feel if I had girls.

One thing I can honestly say is that this house is a much happier, relaxed, child friendly house since he left! Yeah some weeks are finanacially difficult but we always manage and we still have internet, Sky, landline, so we are not on the brink of desperation iykwim.

You will get through this. x

Is there a script these men use?

So far ive had:

1. I have a porn addiction please help me

2. You had children on you all the time you did pay me attention. I didnt want to bother you.

3. Im scum you hate me. You and the kids are better off without me. I love you so much but you dont love me. I cant go on if i lose you and the kids.

So what next?

That third one, he is trying to get you to contradict him, but actually if you do feel that you would be better off without him you need to tune out his self-pity and stick to your guns. The "I can't go on..." line is classic - you become scared that he will do something stupid if you leave him, so you stick with it and the cycle repeats itself.

If he was honestly of a mind-set to commit suicide (presuming that's what he is implying here) he wouldn't be trying to get you to talk him out of it or emotionally blackmailing you with it.

Its definitely all part of the script, to make you think that you have a chance to save him/change him - then if he doesn't change, it is still your fault because it was only your continued love support and acceptance that could have done the trick, so you obviously didn't love/support/accept him enough.

What's next? Ignore his pathetic pleas, detach and move forward.

I told him if he is depressed go and see the gp and that he was not depressed for the whole 7 years so its no reason to lie and look at porn! and to not top himself yet as i havent insured him yet!

To day he is making a doctors appointment for depression and going to go to relate for his addiction. BUT doctors were engaged so he will try later and he needs to find number for relate. So he has dont nothing

He is staying at his mums but they are back tomoro.

He is trying to minipulate me control me and emotionally black mail me.

I think he will up it to come home by tomoro.

He is trying to disyracted me from the reason i thru him out. He thinks im having a strop and when i calm down he can come home.

He said he knows he did wrong and is sorry! But he is not getting the fact i dont love him and dont want to be in a relationship with him anymore.

It has happened so meny times that i think it is a cycle. He will not change and think its ok but its no. I just dont have time to go thru this with him now i have two kids and im busy and i get nothing out of the relationship with him.

It is a cycle and by letting him come home you would be allowing the cycle to start all over again.

Even if you did want him back, by spending some time apart, him working on his 'issues' and you building yourself up it could only benefit you, as if he comes back now he will be straight back to square one before you know it.

I made excuses for my stbxh (depression, stress, aspergers, losing his dad at a young age etc). In the end it boiled down to the fact that he was awful to live with and couldn't/wouldn't make any changes himself - its like banging your head against a brick wall.

If he was any sort of a man, he would be removing himself from the situation, sorting out his counselling and depression meds and asking you if you would give him 6-12 months to get himself together and prove to you that he is worthy of your love etc. Not threatening to top himself and sulking like a toddler.

Put your energy into yourself and your DCs and let him get on with looking after himself. x