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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my marriage might be over :((

92 replies

ohpleasehelpme · 25/06/2012 10:55

Desperatye advice needed. Name changed as regular poster and so embaressed - I only got married last summer.

DH was unemployed for 2 1/2 years. I supported him - both emotionally and financially. In that time we had DS2 (now 2)

I was made reduntant 3 months ago - and admittedly I have been a bit mopey/depressed. I have been doing temp work though - taking everything that I can.

I'm not the best at housekeeping which I freely admit. But I do all of the household paperwork, cook every night, do all the laundry.

In the last few weeks DH has taken to calling me lazy and useless. It starts off as a 'joke' - but he says it to other people as well.

This morning we had a row and he told me I was lazy and useless again. When I argued back with him he called me a cunt. He never lets me have a conversation with him - he locked himself in the bathroom. I stormed out to go to work (temp job) and shouted at him and banged on the bathroom window as I went past. The window broke so I ran to my car and tried to lock the doors. He came flying out and pulled my car door open and hit me round the head several times. When I turned to face him he punched me in the face.

I went back into the house to try to speak to him and he just screamed abuse at me - about the window, and telling me that I don't do anything for him.

I don't know what to do.. Was it my fault for breaking the window? I have 2 DCs. DS1 - 12 (not his) and DS2 - 2.

He's gone to work now and I've come back home. Is this it for us??? I love him so much but am so sad at what he really thinks of me. It all comes out when he gets cross.

Sorry for long post and than you for reading

xx

OP posts:
Lifeissweet · 25/06/2012 12:54

Yes - on the subject of housework.

I keep my house at an acceptable level of cleanliness for most normal human beings. I am currently on maternity leave.

My DP, however, has impossibly high standards. He likes the place immaculate. He also works long hours while I am at home with the baby.

Does he shout at me, criticise me or expect me to live up to his expectations?

No.

He accepts that if he wants the house as perfect as he likes it, then he has to do it himself - and he does. He says that my job is to look after the baby and that keeping the house as clean and tidy as I do is an achievement.

This is how a proper man behaves. This is how a man who cares about you and appreciates you behaves.

Your man is a bully and a violent one at that.

bleedingheart · 25/06/2012 15:20

I would strongly advise that you call the police and get this incident logged.

I thought he sounded awful from the first few sentences of your post, I read on and found he's a violent bully too.

You ran and tried to escape him; you were already scared. This could escalate. Please get help.

nocluenoclueatall · 25/06/2012 16:38

Please protect yourself and your children OP. This is not your fault. Whatever has passed between you and your partner, you have not caused this. His behaviour is dangerous, abusive and totally unacceptable. There are no excuses.

We're here for you, but in RL, take legal advice and get him out.

MaloryMad · 25/06/2012 16:44

If I was still married, him calling me a cunt would be enough for me to leave.
This is not your fault. He should not be hitting you at all. Ever.
Your marriage is over. You will never feel safe around him. Leave. Today.

Shirsten · 25/06/2012 16:45

No, it is not your fault. Hitting a window is not the same as hitting a person.

I was in an abusive relationship. It changed me from a relatively easy going, placid person into a highly strung, oversensitive, constantly off balance person. I have never shouted and screamed and cried so much as when I was in that relationship. I am a different person now that I am out of it. I can't remember the last time I shouted at someone.

I understand completely how constant emotional (and physical) abuse can wear you down. If you don't feel heard, have someone constantly ignoring you, talking over you or shouting at you, you end up shouting back.

What he did to you was terrible and I would urge you to call the police to get the incident logged. If a friend told you that their husband had hit them around the head, would advice would you give them?

There is no excuse for what he did to you.

Original poster
ohpleasehelpme · 25/06/2012 18:22

Not one service could help me. I've called Shelter, Women's Aid, my local council and my local church refuge.

All just voicemails/no answer.

OP posts:
NigellaLawless · 25/06/2012 18:39

Did you contact police?

You can still do that.

When does your partner get home?

You could also try contacting your local Children's Services. It is too late for the day staff but there will be an Out of Hours services. If you tell teh worker that your partner assaulted you, that you have children adn you are afraid to continue living with him they shoudl be able to help you contact agencies that can offer you a safe haven.

However they will want to involve police and you must be absolutely honest with them about everything, including your huisbands previous behaviour and the fact that you broke the window. If you fail to tell them that up front and it cmoes out later it will make it look like you are hiding stuff from them. They won't think it gave him an excuse to hit you though!

NigellaLawless · 25/06/2012 18:40

sorry for typos

Mama1980 · 25/06/2012 18:44

I'm sorry j haven't had time to read all your thread. But this is in NO way your fault hitting a window is nothing like a person and there is no excuse for his behaviour. Are u somewhere safe tonight? I know it's hard but I really think h need it call the police. Sending strength xxx

Kernowgal · 25/06/2012 18:45

None of this is your fault. Call the police on 101 (the non-emergency number) and tell them what has happened; they will advise what to do next. There is never any excuse for violence. I hope you're OK.

SoDesperate · 25/06/2012 18:55

Oh this is so worrying.

For those of you who have commented on the OP breaking the window - I doubt you have been at the receiving end of subtle never ending criticism and provocation. I have. And anyone would tell you I am the most laid back person ever but my 'D'H almost destroyed me. I didnt break things I turned it back onto myself. So... OP better the window!

Please come back and let us know how you are.

I lived in absolute fear of my DH until one day, the fear of spending the rest of my life with him outweighed my fear 'of' him. I am still struggling to get away, but I am no longer scared. I have called the Police on a couple of occasions and they were so understanding and supportive.

However, whatever you are feeling, please stay in touch.

AnyFucker · 25/06/2012 18:57

keep trying the services, OP

have you left messages ? They may contact you tomorrow

make your report to the police, love

hennells87 · 25/06/2012 18:58

I have not been in this position but have you tried talking to him? Im not excusing the violence BUT if you love him and want to move forward why not suggest him moving out to give you both a break and go to docs the both of you to seek some sort of councilling? X

Mindyourownbusiness · 25/06/2012 19:21

Tbh if l was locked in the bathroom to avoid an argument and my DH carried on shouting at me through the window then banged on it so hard it broke then l would be absolutely terrified - not least from the flying glass which is petrifying/v.dangerous in itself and if l came on here you would all no doubt be saying 'leave the bastard'.
Having said that though he was in the wrong too and crossed the line by a country mile more - you obviously bring out the worst in each other and l cant see how there can be a way back from this.

So it's a 'leave the bastard' from me (my very first).

EclecticShock · 25/06/2012 19:25

You need to keep trying woman's aid to get some advice. Has he been violent before?

Original poster
ohpleasehelpme · 25/06/2012 19:33

I didn't repeatedly bang the window. I thumped it with the palm of my hand as I walked past. I can't believe it broke TBH.

He's still at work. I have left messages with all the numbers.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/06/2012 19:44

Stay safe tonight. Don't react if he tries to start any arguments again.

Mindyourownbusiness · 25/06/2012 19:44

Apologies if that was in answer to someone else OP but l didnt suggest you did - only said if he then 'banged on it so hard it broke'.

Original poster
ohpleasehelpme · 25/06/2012 19:47

Thank you AF and every one else who is understanding x I don't even know if he will come back tonight. Am on tenterhooks. DS2 has just gone down.

OP posts:
EightiesChick · 25/06/2012 19:51

Ring the police again now. Say he hasn't come back yet but you are afraid of what will happen if/when he does.

AnyFucker · 25/06/2012 19:55

sweetheart, ring the police now and report his assault on you. You don't have to do any more than that right now.

ask if they can put a "watch" on your phone number, so that if you have to ring them in an emergency they will take it very seriously and respond more quickly

if he comes home, and kicks off, ring them again and ask them to remove him

make sure you delete your browsing history, your phone's call log and properly log out of MN

Original poster
ohpleasehelpme · 25/06/2012 20:04

Have reported to police Sad

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/06/2012 20:08

ok, now sit tight, don't get drawn into any more arguments and keep going with trying to get some RL support tomorrow

friends ? parents ? siblings ?

AnyFucker · 25/06/2012 20:09

have you any cuts/bruises that he inflicted on you ?

see your GP and get them logged

xMumof3x · 25/06/2012 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.