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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my marriage might be over :((

92 replies

ohpleasehelpme · 25/06/2012 10:55

Desperatye advice needed. Name changed as regular poster and so embaressed - I only got married last summer.

DH was unemployed for 2 1/2 years. I supported him - both emotionally and financially. In that time we had DS2 (now 2)

I was made reduntant 3 months ago - and admittedly I have been a bit mopey/depressed. I have been doing temp work though - taking everything that I can.

I'm not the best at housekeeping which I freely admit. But I do all of the household paperwork, cook every night, do all the laundry.

In the last few weeks DH has taken to calling me lazy and useless. It starts off as a 'joke' - but he says it to other people as well.

This morning we had a row and he told me I was lazy and useless again. When I argued back with him he called me a cunt. He never lets me have a conversation with him - he locked himself in the bathroom. I stormed out to go to work (temp job) and shouted at him and banged on the bathroom window as I went past. The window broke so I ran to my car and tried to lock the doors. He came flying out and pulled my car door open and hit me round the head several times. When I turned to face him he punched me in the face.

I went back into the house to try to speak to him and he just screamed abuse at me - about the window, and telling me that I don't do anything for him.

I don't know what to do.. Was it my fault for breaking the window? I have 2 DCs. DS1 - 12 (not his) and DS2 - 2.

He's gone to work now and I've come back home. Is this it for us??? I love him so much but am so sad at what he really thinks of me. It all comes out when he gets cross.

Sorry for long post and than you for reading

xx

OP posts:
NigellaLawless · 25/06/2012 11:52

Fenton is right, it sounds like you expected him to be violent. Has he threatened you before? does he raise his hand or hit doors or walls when he gets angry.

If I broke a window even in anger I would never think to run away, but then my husband hasn't conditioned me to be scared of him. How do disagreements usually go between you and dp?

LadyInDisguise · 25/06/2012 11:54

Well if one looses his temper so much that he is running after the other person and is hitting another human being on the head and face, then one has a huge problem with self control and aggressivity.
Also that person has broken the law, whatever lead to the situation. Even if the other person had been verbally aggressive, that doesn't allow him to hit that person.
At most, if he had been physically attacked, he could have claimed self defence, but in this case, this is obviously not the case.

I would go to the police and report the incident.
I would contact women aid and ask for some advice.
I would tell him to leave the house and not let him in again unless you have somebody else with you (a parent, a friend?)

NigellaLawless · 25/06/2012 11:55

Sorry my last post sounds really cold! I honestly didn't intend it to be.

Original poster
ohpleasehelpme · 25/06/2012 12:00

Nigella you didn't sound cold at all.

Yes I am frightened of him. Frightened if his moods, frightened of his reactions when I don't do something right.

He has always made it clear that my housework doesn't live up to his standards. When I worked full time though I used that as my defence. He is 14 years older then me and very stuck in his ways. His ex-DP was a clean/tidy/housework freak.

OP posts:
LadyInDisguise · 25/06/2012 12:02

If you are frightened of him, then there is even more reason for you to involve the police and ask him to leave.

Forget about his ex. Whatever she was doesn't mean that you should be too.

fluffyraggies · 25/06/2012 12:06

Not your fault. NOT YOUR FAULT. NOT YOUR FAULT

Please see that this relationship is not working.

Report it to the police. They wont make you do anything you don't want to do. You wont have to press charges.

He is the one who needs to leave and you may need a little back from the police in the future to achieve this.

Who have you got around you op? Some support from friends or family?

DamselInTornDress · 25/06/2012 12:10

Sounds to me that he's the authoritarian in the relationship and you're the rebellious child. I was in one of those. It's not nice walking on egg shells and wearing your shoulders and earings. Call the police. Lodge a complaint. Even if you don't press charges the complain will remain on file. And start making plans to get out, as advised by others on this thread.

Really it's not your fault and you shouldn't have to live in fear like you do.

DamselInTornDress · 25/06/2012 12:10

shoulders as earings....

Rollersara · 25/06/2012 12:11

Absolutely not your fault. DP would love me to do the housework the way his mum does. I don't, if he wants it done differently he has to do it. He would never call me names or hit me and I would never be frightened of him. Call the police, what he is doing is wrong!

Samvet · 25/06/2012 12:11

Think about it from an outside POV - is there ANYTHING anyone can say to another person that means violence is ok? I don't think so. Now apply that to a marriage where people are supposed to love each other.
Now think about your post. What if this was written by your best friend about her husband, without thinking about 'but this or but that' what would you think and advise her?
You are in the thick of in and emotional but when you look at it like that I suspect you know what you have to do.

Samvet · 25/06/2012 12:12

PS I also suck at housekeeping. We pay for a cleaner or DH can lump it. I don't expect to be treated like crap because I have better things to do than clean. If his ex-P was so great why isn't he with her?

NarkedRaspberry · 25/06/2012 12:14

Police. They'll help you get him out of the house.

cureall · 25/06/2012 12:15

This is not a healthy relationship is it? And not good role model for your boys to see him undermining you and belittling you, they will think that's normal or at least reasonable behaviour.

As said you need to move on. How would you feel if your DS grew up to be the sort of person your DP is? DPs behaviour is inexcusable. It is NOT YOUR FAULT that he was violent towards you. Please let the police know what happened and start making plans to separate. It will get easier. Not being a domestic goddess does not give him the right to physically abuse you :(.

nannyof3 · 25/06/2012 12:18

This has nothing to do with the window, he hit you around the head and punched you in your face. This is domestic abuse!

Original poster
ohpleasehelpme · 25/06/2012 12:19

My hand is cut and very sore. Women's Aid are giving a voicemail 'call back' message. I'm drinking wine. What a fucking mess.

OP posts:
cureall · 25/06/2012 12:23

Put the wine down and have a coffee, you need your head together to deal with this properly. Lots of MNers thinking about you and supporting you. Call the police then try Women's Aid again.

NigellaLawless · 25/06/2012 12:24

I have to go out now, but please promise that you will do something this afternoon to ensure that you and your children can sleep safely tonight.

This man is not going to stop hurting you until he is made to stop.

Imagine for a moment that he is not your partner, would you let your children sleep under the same roof as a man who is happy to beat another person around the head! He is so arrogant that he can willing to beat someone in public and expect to get away with it.

You deserve so much more from life than this! As do your children

Original poster
ohpleasehelpme · 25/06/2012 12:25

Nigella. And everyone else. Thank you. I will call my local refuge now. I will not be a victim.

Xx

OP posts:
NigellaLawless · 25/06/2012 12:27

put down the wine and phone the police, your children deserve to be protected form this man (as do you)

Original poster
ohpleasehelpme · 25/06/2012 12:32

I really never thought it would be me posting on the relationships board. I'm so glad though that MN was my first port of call

OP posts:
SoDesperate · 25/06/2012 12:33

Are you alright? Maybe you should see your Doctor. And please call the police. It was not your fault. There is no going back from this, you cant pretend it never happened :( It did. And it will happen again if you dont show him that you wont tolerate it.

cureall · 25/06/2012 12:34

Come on make that call already :)

DamselInTornDress · 25/06/2012 12:38

Mumsnet is great for hand holding. You are not alone. Now get proactive and take the control back.

Lifeissweet · 25/06/2012 12:42

You know what you need to do. We are all here to hold your hand.

Don't think about schools, dogs, practicalities yet - you will become overwhelmed and feel trapped. You are not.

One step at a time.

Step 1: Get you and your Children safe. The rest can wait.

BupcakesandCunting · 25/06/2012 12:47

I am shit at housekeeping, even though it is supposed to be my ft job. My DH would never even hint at me that I am in some way lacking, nevermind call me a cunt/hit me. This is not what loving husbands do.

He sounds a frigging nightmare and I'm afraid that your marriage IS over, at least it is over as you know it. Forgive him and you'll constantly be worrying about saying the one thing that might provoke him into raining punches onto your head again. You'll be wondering if/when he is going to hit your children. Is that the life you want for yourself?

And no. It is NOT your fault. You punched an inanimate object. He punched his wife in the face. World of difference.