If you live with someone who refuses to thrash things out....

[lowestpriority]

isn't it inevitable that YOU end up being passive agressive?
Trying to talk/argue about stuff with a person who just walks off and goes to bed whilst you are trying to get your point across is bound to lead to PA, surely?

Not necessarily.
You could become PA.
You could become a silent, worn out wreck,
you could become a psychotic , nasty , shrieker.
I'm sure there are many other responses.

All of these would be understandable.

Are you in this situation? It's not nice. I've been there too.

Not necessarily. If anything, it probably focuses the mind. :) I don't know what points you're trying to get across but you either make it clearly and succinctly just once; get on and do what you want without consultation or - if the points are deal-breakers - get the person ignoring you out of the picture.

Tbh I think it's me that has become PA. But that is due to the fact (Ibelieve) that XP refused to talk things through.
I would start the conversation (as always), he would just not participate. In fact our last real talk ended with me nipping to the loo halfway through. when I returned 30 seconds later he had buggered off to bed!
Over the years I just came to the conclusion that it was pointless trying to put my feelings across, so just kept it to myself.
This obviously led to a deep feeling of anger and resentment = PA.
I have been reading a lot of old threads just lately and have come to the conclusion that I became PA over our marriage due to his lack of input.

Silent, worn out wreck gets my vote

I'll add "worryingly distanced from your own emotions/emotional responses" to Feckbox's list.

What did you do, Feckbox?

It must be nice that ha's an XP, thought, lowestpriority.

Yes Feckbox, how did it pan out for you?

Well yes, he is an X. However, due to lots of financial probs we are still living in the same house.
So it's just as bad as before, only worse now

Hmm. There isn't an mn emoticon for the face I'm pulling. Hope you don't have to put up with that for too much longer.

I really do think that if your relationship runs along the "I refuse to talk about this" road then becoming PA is pretty inevitable.
I mean, you become passive cos you know that your attempts to discuss problems will fall on deaf ears, and you become agressive because you slowly turn that frustration in on yourself as you have no real outlet for it.
When they say "What's wrong now?" you reply with "nothing", because you know that expressing what is actually bugging you will not be listened to anyway IYSWIM.

See the list in post #2 by Feckbox? I became all of the above...towards the very end of our marriage I hit the psychotic stage and became frightened of my own actions. So I left. We're now divorced. He wants to get back together but you know what? Nothing's changed and he's still exactly the same.

There's also "becoming ultra-reasonable" too. Which is also a kind of prison.

Seriously, lowestpriority, if you are still having to negotiate terms of interaction, and his behaviour is still causing you unhappiness/anger; and the stonewalling/non-response is still winding you up, you're not totally at the "ex-" stage - almost certainly because you have to share the same living space. I really hope you can bring that situation to an end soon, and can start that journey to mental peace.

I didn't become PA as it's just not in my nature. I did become a divorcee however.

Just some questions and maybe suggestions.
I presume you dont want him back in your life emotionally?
Have you got any children together?
Are you sharing the same bed?You dont have to answer this if you dont want to.
And I presume you are sharing kitchen areas etc.

I suppose what I am trying to say is,if you have to share the same living space,what would you like to do.
Have no conversations with each other,leave notes to each other,divide areas up etc.

Okay, we have 3 DCs all under 10.
We are not sharing the same bed. I just stopped going to bed and he has never, ever questioned me about this, which I find really strange.
Yes we do share the rest of the house. We are polite, civil....ish. Try not to slag each other off (ie, sarcastic comments) in front of the DCs. Although he did make some comment the other day; DS was doing some quiz thing on his ipod and DH said " Oh your mum will know the answer to that one....she's the alcoholic". I challenged this remark and he basically tutted and suggested that I get a SOH. So it is hard not to get snippy in front of the DCs sometimes.

I think living like this is why it's so hard to break away emotionally as there literally is nowhere to hide. I tend to spend a lot of my time either in the kitchen or the DCs rooms with them while he commandeers the living room and TV.

ooh,this is tricky.
Have you googled this at all.There must be many more people like you in this situation.
Im surprised you havent had more responses on here tbh.
Is your house up for sale?
Are you getting a divorce?
Im getting confused myself now.

I want to move out and rent somewhere but am SAHM so not working. I have been working for DH as his company secretary, but have resigned now (terminated my role with companies house, don't take any money from the business anymore).
DH sees the house as his because he pays mortgage, although he would have no choice but to sell eventually, I know.
As for divorce; I have seen a solicitor but have not given them the go ahead to serve intention of divorce papers on him yet.
I suppose I will have to do this really to get the house put on the market, but I know this will excacerbate the atmosphere and tension, so keep putting it off.
Personally I would prefer it if we could just have the mother of all arguments and lay all our cards on the table. But if one person refuses to even talk about their feelings, I don't see how this can happen.
So he lives in his happy little bubble, whilst I turn into this silent, seething mess.
Having read up on PA I really can see me turning into this more and more each day.

It sounds like you're living a false life. Children, friends, family etc think you're a couple but you feel the relationship is over, you're just living in the same space. That's stressful.

Some people are happy with this sort of semblance of a relationship. They get to have company and the superficial things (e.g. looking like a family man) without having to give anything emotionally (which they don't want to do so that suits them fine.) If this sounds like your husband then he may allow the situation to continue indefinitely.

Been there. Not fun.

we got divorced. But it was no happy ending, I loved him like no other , and he was the same.
years later he learned to communicate and got back in touch but it was too late. I had a new partner and was pregnant with our first child.
I don't pine for my ex husband but my subsequent and ongoing relationship has many problems too

It seems to me that neither are you are happy.
I would also think the children must pick up on this,depending on how old they are.It cant really be peaceful for anyone concerned.
Reading between the lines,it seems to me that you want it to work out between you.And I could be wrong,but perhaps he wants the same.
A book I would recommend,and have recommended in the past is "Why Women Talk and Men Walk.How to improve your relationship without discussing it".
I have got flamed for recommending it before!Someone said it is like the book men are from mars,and women from venus,only worse.
I think the book is worth a try.It is about why men dont like talking about their relationship,and helpful suggestions to help them willingly open up about their feelings,so that things can be discussed.
Hope it helps you all.

I think youre on to something here OP, I am with one of those men and I hate myslef when I look at my behaviour, which sadly has become PA, I look for a time when he HAS to listen (when I have more power) then I get my point across When we lock horns over an issue he doesnt want to face I threaten to end the relationship then he changes for 2 days and it goes back to the same thing.
Does this ring any bells with you OP?
Watching thread with interest, good luck

Snap, I really do think that one person becoming PA in this type of relationship is inevitable. The only other option is not to be in the same house.
It is impossible to express how you feel when the other person just sits there and refuses to engage. for instance;
"Are you happy with things as they are?"
"I'm fine, it's YOU who is moaning about things again, not me"
"But, are YOU happy with things? What would YOU like us to do together to make things better between us?"
"Like I said, I'm okay with it.
"Well I think we need to make some changes if we are going to stay together".
That's usually when he sighs, gets up and leaves the room to either go to bed, shower, work, whatever. Anything rather than talk.
So then I am left feeling that I am wasting my time trying to fix things on my own, decide to keep my frustration to myself and then project that frustration back out by being PA.

P.S: Does becoming PA mean that we have now also become emotional abusers?

So he sounds happy with how things are.
But you clearly are not.
What do you want to happen with your life,that is you and your life.
You cannot expect him to know what it is that you want.
Do you know what it is that you want to happen, change etc.

You are asking him to change your life.He wouldnt have a clue what to change it to.
You are also asking him to change his life.He isnt going to at the moment because he is happy.

When you are feeling calm,and perhaps when there is no one about,get a piece of paper and map out what you would like to happen in your life this week,next month, next year.Give yourself a few days to think about it.

And when he is feeling calm,and again when the kids are not around,give the list of your thoughts to him.

"Thrashing things out" is not necessarily the best course of action for getting what you want in life.