If you live with someone who refuses to thrash things out....

[lowestpriority]

isn't it inevitable that YOU end up being passive agressive?
Trying to talk/argue about stuff with a person who just walks off and goes to bed whilst you are trying to get your point across is bound to lead to PA, surely?

Am watching this thread with interest. Currently on 3rd week of DH being distant and making minimal conversation following a trivial argument. Admitted he had something on his mind that he's unhappy about but actively refusing to discuss it. Veering between wanting to cry/kill him/leave him/shake him into opening up. Rapidly losing respect too.

Can unsuprisingly feel myself becoming more PA by the day

marriednotdead,would someone else know what is on his mind,eg another family member,work colleague or friend?
rapidly losing respect means rapidly losing love.Might it be worth telling him that?

Sometimes when he's moody (not unusual enough!) his friend will know and will quietly tell me. Not this time though. Am guessing it's partly deflection as he's done something wrong himself and knows I'm not impressed. I have a feeling that he knows he is blowing something out of proportion, and if he tells me then I will confirm it. This way he keeps the upper hand...

Due to have an anniversary do in a few weeks. May tell him it's pointless/cancelled as we currently have nothing to celebrate

Sorry for thread hijack lowestpriority

This is one of the things discussed in the book that I recommended.
This is 1 of the main reasons that men dont like the talking,because they end up feeling guilty and ashamed.Talking makes women feel better but men end up feeling worse.
Would recommend the book to you too.

Thanks amillionyears

Time to look for that book...

Why is it whenever I try to do something it all goes shit?????
Decided to mow the lawn. It has grown pretty high, and is getting too long for DCs to play in.
Got the NEW lawnmower out (only had it about a month). Managed in my usual twattish way to run over the sodding cable.
So now I have to explain why the grass is only half mown, and tell DH that we need a new replacement cable.
That will go down badly; he will chastise me like a parent to a 5 year old, I will end up acting defensively and trying to point out that it was an accident.
Yet another stick for him to beat me with.
I really am starting to think that everything I touch turns to shit; lawnmowers, cars, children, relationships, cooking, whatever

perhaps it would help to tell us on here about your DH.
What was he like to you when he was going out with you,and when you first got married.
And if it makes a difference,what was his childhood like.

Would he have chastised you like a 5 year old back then,or is it now that he does that,with your recent difficulties.

I myself am rubbish at anything remotely diy,but the difference between my DH and yours, is he realises that,and although might grumble,he knows and understands what I am like.

You are having a bad time of it at the moment.I am pretty sure you are not rubbish at all the things you listed above .

I suppose our relationship has always been 80:20 control in his favour.
I think this was due to the fact that he was self employed, earning good money already owned his own property outright, car, savings etc.
I on the other hand had a very low paid crappy job, renting, no savings, barely able to pay the rent, you get the picture.
When we moved in together it was into his house, so everything always seemed unequal right from the start.
Yes, he has always tended to chastise, which I really really hate as it makes me feel like a child who cannot be trusted to do anything right. I don't know if he did this consiously or not, but I now find myself keeping things to myself in order not to give him any opportunity to chastise. Does that make any sense?
I honestly think that the only way he would ever see me as equal was if I got myself a job that paid more than his does. Where I was the main breadwinner, sorted out the childcare, served up delicious M&S ready meals, hosted fabulous dinner parties, etc, etc.
Basically I think I am a bit of a dissapointment to him.
His dad died when he was 13 and his mum died just after we got together, so not really sure what his childhood was like. But I get the impression from his sister that their dad was very 'entitled to'.

80:20 control in his favour is not a good situation to be in
I understand better where you are coming from now.fwiw,Id say my mum and dads marriage had about the same sort of balance.In fact I always think I learned from my mother what not to do.She would,for instance,nearly always lose in arguments.She just didnt know how to handle things.And my dads mum died even younger that your DHs dad,which I think affected his behaviour his whole life.He always had a bit of poor me about him,which was somewhat justified,but difficult to live with.
They loved each other and stayed together,but there were lots of shouty rows.
It wouldnt have mattered to my dad if mum got a job,but she helped out in the business anyway.
And mums fil sounds like your fil too.

It is a very difficult and hard situation for you to be in.
Do you think your DH wants you to leave?
Or does he want to control you?
Or does he genuinely love you,and is being a general idiot.

Does he want me to leave, control me or love me?
I don't know because he refuses to talk about his feelings.
when I have brought up the subject of divorce previously, he has never really put up 'a fight' as such. He just states that if I want a divorce, he can't physically stop me. That's another example of him just leaving and thus leaving the discussion half finished.
It's so frustrating. It really has just become too much like hard work and so I have just automatically supressed my emotions too.

Him saying "he cant physically stop me" is not the same at all as saying "I want you to leave".Im pretty sure he wants you to stay,and for the two of you to get on.
It sounds like he is too afraid to talk about his feelings, because of what might get said.
I would advise you to get the book in the first instance.

has he ever talked about his feelings,even when his relationship with you was good?
And does he ever try and sort out a row?
It took me several years to realise my DH hardly ever tried to sort out rows,I had to do it,and several more years to realise that he never sorted them out,because he actually couldnt do it,he was unable to.

I find the whole "can't talk about my feelings" a bit of a cop out tbh.
If my DH wanted us to stay together surely his reaction to me requesting a divorce have been to be shocked, upset, angry....not just total indifference?
Atm I am working my way through a book called "Games people Play" in the hope that it might stop me being PA, even if I can't change his behaviour I can try to change mine.

I get the new improved cop out- 'I can't talk to YOU'. Strange how everyone else, including his friends and family, actively seek me out for chats and support or counselling

married, how do you cope with that?

I know it's him not me. And he knows I know. Doesn't help though, he always feels on the back foot. Hence the defensiveness, he feels he can never win or have the upper hand. That's why I get the silent treatment, it's his way of gaining some control.

It's exhausting, trying not to appear too perfect (despite marrying me because he thought I was) always backfires.

lowestpriority,its not "cant talk about his feelings",it is he does not want to as he will get told off.
Im not sure you are going to take much more notice of me,so i am going to bow out.

Men do benefit from talking.But they sometimes need to be helped and encouraged to open up.
A lot of them do not do it willingly.

amillionyears, Iam taking a lot of notice about what you are saying, really.
DH never tries to sort out a row. Never even actually starts one, just tends to mutter under his breath as he is leaving the room. I then follow and tell him to say whatever he has to say to my face. He then gets all defensive and backs out,leaving me thinking WTF.
As to not wanting to talk because he's scared of what might be said; how much worse could it get than his DW telling him she is contemplating a divorce? I don't really see how anything worse could be said after that.

I thought he sounded like the type of bloke to not sort out a row.He really is probably not able to.
The not starting a row I would have said is even more unusual.I dont have any experience of that.Perhaps you could google that,and see what comes up?Or perhaps other MNs know what that is all about.
Would you say he doesnt get really angry with anyone?
Or do you think he internalises it,and is actually a very angry person.

Lately,does he seem to be angry ,sad,upset,or cant you tell.

Lots of questions again,sorry,I hope you dont mind.

TBH with you the only times I have seen him get riled about anything is over sport.
I once made some derogatory remark about football and England being rubbish and he got really argumentative.
We have been together 12 years and he has NEVER EVER EVER started an argument.
He only gets really angry with the TV when watching sport; I can hear him from upstairs shouting at the ref.
He is not sad, or upset ever, or if he is he never shows it. I think he is just too laid back to let anything bother him.

I just tried to google "person who never starts an argument",and nothing came up at all.
It may be worth you contacting a psychiatrist,or pshycologist,im never sure which is which,and asking them about it.
Or you could try starting a new thread on here,not sure which section,and title it something along the lines of,"calling psychaitrists,can someone help me diagnose my DH" or somesuch.

I can see why you have such a big problem.And tbh,your reaction to it seems very normal to me.

You can't "make" him discuss stuff or argue if he refuses to do so. The only person whose actions you can change is yours. He sounds as though he is happy with things as they are, or at least not unhappy enough to change things.
If you are unhappy with things you have to decide how you want things to change.
Also don't start discussions or arguments at night. If he's going to bed in the middle of an argument it's too late for an argument, especially if iether of you has been drinking.
I very rarely argue with my husand, if he was continually goading me to try and make me argue I'd get pissed off. Not letting things bother you isn't necessarily a bad thing.
Stop trying to prod him like bear baiting and make up your own mind about what you want to do with your life. He sounds as though he is happy just continuing so if you want to change things you'll have to do it.
As far as he is concerned it's your problem not his as he doesn't have a problem with his current lifestyle.
If you want a divorce get on with sorting out the practicalities.

my DH's family are massively anti-confrontational, it's taken 20 years for us to get to the point where he doesn't sulk if he's annoyed about something but will actually tell me what's going on. we eventually worked out that we periodically need to get out of the house together to actually have a proper serious conversation about where we are - i call it a state of the nation. we have three dc's under 7 and it's impossible to have a conversation in the house. neutral territory is required - a quiet pub or a restaurant would be ideal, where you can have a conversation without distraction, interruption or it being possible to walk away.

I can appreciate why you are so angry at being stonewalled. That said, it appears that you are only focusing on what he is doing wrong and picking up on every negative behaviour - ironically exactly the behaviour you dislike in him. i suspect that he has no idea how to resolve the situation so tries ignoring it and hoping it will go away. clearly that's not going to work for you.

i'd suggest you try two things:

1. sit down and write down all the things you are happy with in your life and what makes you unhappy. be specific, not just dh in the unhappy list - ie: dh criticising or refusing to acknowledge my feelings or participate in discussions. try to focus too on his good points - what made you fall in love with him? is he a good dad? does he do anything nice/thoughtful for you that you might be missing because you're focused on the negative?

1. spend some time together on your own away from home. it doesn't have to be a big expensive trip but i think you would benefit from some time on your own together as a couple to let you remember why you are a couple.

your children learn how to behave in relationships from you two, they deserve to grow up in a loving, stable family - it does sound to me that with some honesty and letting go of the resentment that has built up that you could have that.

Sorry, but your H sounds unengaged and like he has withdrawn emotionally from the relationship.

If his response is neutral to you suggesting divorce then I'd think that that is exactly what you should be setting in motion. Life is too short to spend it mind reading a man who won't communicate.