How can I increase my sex drive

[kbaby]

Dh and I have two dc 8&6, we've been together 18 years and married 7.

Our Relationship over the past few years has changed and become more friend like. We speak, we get along etc but we lead quite in dependant lives and the affection seems to have gone.

Since having dc I have zero interest in sex. I can't even think of a reason why I don't want sex. I love him, he's attractive, I'm not tired. Even if brad Pitt appeared I wouldn't be interested.

I think as we aren't having frequent sex that's why the affection has gone too.
We have sex approx once every six months.

Last night he asked me if I loved him. When I asked why he replied that he feels I don't and am with him as a friend. He said he misses our sex life and if we don't improve things he can't stay in a marriage where there isn't sex.

I didn't realise how much us not having sex was effecting him. So as I love him, and him me, I really want to make an effort and try to improve things.

Does anyone have any experiences of similar circumstances and what did you do?

It's the intimacy you have to work on if you want to pull this around. Being more tactile and affectionate generally rather than thinking solely about 'sex'. All those teenage things like holding hands as you walk together, cuddling when you watch TV, looking into each other's eyes when you sit across a table. Initiate conversations that bring back romantic memories such as when you first met, holidays you had pre-children, weird places you've made love perhaps. Put time aside for each other in order to do these things. Act like you love him by increasing the intimacy and he'll feel wanted, even if sex isn't any more frequent to begin with. Assuming that's what you want, of course.

kbaby, pay careful attention to this and do what you don't want to do. Because if you don't, he will walk.

To be honest? If I were you, I would be aiming for 3 times a week. Whether you want it or not!

The more you do, the more you want to do. And, somehow those er, 'injections' of testosterone you will absorb. It's true! Do it for 8 weeks and then report back on your attitude!

Also, go to the doctor and get some testosterone gel.

Last night he asked me if I loved him. When I asked why he replied that he feels I don't and am with him as a friend. He said he misses our sex life and if we don't improve things he can't stay in a marriage where there isn't sex.

That is so sad. You have been given a very clear message about how rejected and unloved [this] makes him feel, and you have been given a very clear warning.

So open those legs and get on with it.

Couples therapy?

Abitwobblynow... you can't be serious, surely. 'Open those legs'... ?????

apparently the more orgasms you have, the more you want. So maybe push through and make it a regular thing and it will happen? Think of it as exercise! Try and reconnect to him as the man you fell in love with, there must have been a point when you fancied the pants off him so try and remember what that felt like. Maybe do some date nights? Try talking dirty?

If you can afford it, a weekend away would be a good start to re-engaging with each other. Think you can just get into the habit of no sex. Not easy but try and do things together, as a couple, rather than with the dc.

Assuming abwn is taking the piss!

Can you not speak to your dh about it op? Just tell him what you have told us, that you still love, fancy him etc etc, but sex drive is the problem - maybe if you try to tackle it together, you will have more luck in getting it back on track...there has to be some communication about it - I can't imagine that you just gritting your teeth and thinking of england will make him feel that 'special' anyway...

Is there really no reason that you can identify for feeling like this? Is it just a case of being bored do you think?

Cogito - YES.

Abitwobbly strikes again I see

No relationship is worth having sex with someone when you don't want to. I cannot understand why a loving partner wouldn't be absolutely sickened by the idea that their spouse was just lying back and thinking of England so that they didn't feel like sticking their penis in someone else...

I've seen you on a few threads now ABWN and you have some very twisted views about sex and relationships, recently you even told a woman who had been raped by her husband (told he was going to have sex with her and he didn't care she didn't want it) to go to relate. Really I seriously am starting to believe you need some kind of therapy because the advice you are giving about relationships indicates you have very maladjusted views.

Read some of that porn lit that's always being discussed on here. Might stir things up a bit?

Wobbly you are right. BUT I lost all my sex drive for about a year, then found out then I am lacking in Vit B12 and Vit D. When I got supplements, my god, I got my MOJO back. DH is now and exhausted

Go the the Dr and see if you have a deficiency that affects your energy, which also affects your sex drive. And if in doubt, the more you do have sex the more you want to. And also try to remember why you fanicied him so much in the first place.

Are you on the pill Kbaby because that can kill sex drive in some women.

I had no interest in sex until I came off the pill but I am grand now

I have received some amazing advice from this forum. And rather than 'open your legs', which to be honest, horrified me that women may think this is a acceptable form of intercourse, TALK to your partner.
About anything. Fantasies, the future, past experiences. I know that the more I know about my partner, the more attracted to him I am.
If roles were reversed and my partner was off sex and someone said to him, "just pump it in and out" I'd be sickened that that was what our LOVE life had succumbed to.
Work on your relationship before your sex life. And if your happy with your sex life, but he isn't, that's something you need to speak about.
Still abit at abitwobblynows 'advice'!

Definitely, definitely read some, ahem, porn lit. It will work. I read a lot of fan fiction - Twilight mainly. It's not supernatural, sparkly vampire stuff - the same characters are transferred to "real life". It's just old fashioned romance with as much or as little sexy times as you like. DM me if you like :) and I'll point you in the right direction. Or take a look at websites like tehlemonadestand.net (not a typo) for recommendations. There's a long-running thread here, under adult fiction. The TSA (twisluts anonymous) read all sorts of fanfic, mainly Harry Potter at the moment, and they will be only too happy to advise!

Porn? Opening legs? WTF?... An adult sexual relationship shouldn't rely on getting worked into a frenzy over a steamy novel and then leaping on the nearest penis. The OP needs to connect with her husband on the personal level that makes sex a natural outcome.

I hate the phrase "let yourself go" but if you have, whether mentally or physically, it has a knock on effect on your libido - if you are bored / unfit/ generally not interested in anything then it will show in your relationship too.
The same goes for you as a couple, if you don't put any effort into enjoying yourselves together, the spark can go awol.
More cuddles, more holding hands, more being interested in one another will lead to more sex, if you don't sleep naked, start , there's nothing nicer than skin on skin contact - being touched is a necessity for humans.
Sex once every six months sounds utterly miserable - sex in a good relationship is extremely bonding and reinforces the love you have for each other, by not having sex you're drifting further and further apart.
It can be fixed but it takes effort on both sides, it's not as simple as letting him have sex on you, neither of you will enjoy that, its not the way to go at all, it's the way resentment lies.

Hi there, sympathise. Here is what worked for me:

sexy nighties and lingerie
saucy books (nothing too hard, more romance with good bedroom scenes...)
dinner-dance dates (the dancing bit v crucial)
getting fit

All of this will put you in the mood, I guarantee. Especially the dancing, as it works on your mind in a subliminal way. And the nighties, as they make you feel so good.... and the books, and well, all of it.

Good luck!

Thank you all for your comments and suggestions.

I've booked an appt with the gp to see if there could be any medical cause or anything they may be able to provide me to boost my libido.

I agree with you that it's a warning sign and I know I have to sort this out or he will leave. Clearly where ive prob been burying my head a bit and thinking this must be normal for people who have been together for so long, he's decided we have to sort it out. He is very good looking and a really nice guy, if he isn't happy with me I risk losing him to someone who can make him happy and that's a scary thought.
From the outside our relationship looks ok, we don't argue, we both appear happy. But really we lead separate lives. I have my friends who I see and also a close family. He isn't interested in some of the same things I like so I do those with friends/family but he then misses out and doesn't seem interested in our days. It feels like I arrange mine and the children's day to day lives and he does his and rarely do we cross over and do something together. Hes told me this week to eat my dinner with the children instead of both of us eating together as he isn't hungry in the evenings due to his (healthy gym diet hes on)This is fine and i don't have a problem with it but can now see actually its just two examples of where we are moving towards living apart as opposed to being a family.

There is no affection at all now I think about it from either of us. The only thing is a kiss each morning when he leaves for work. Even in bed we don't cuddle.
Hes told me isn't happy but hasn't offed any suggestions on how we can move forward apart from the fact that he misses the sex.
I'm going to make more of an effort to do the things we like doing together and limit the amount of time I spend on the Internet in the evenings as I'm doing this to allow him to watch what he wants on tv but actually it's backfiring as he prob thinks I'm not interested in having a conversation. I've also told him he needs to limit the amount of time he spends at the gym to seven hrs a week. Because I feel any spare moment when he isn't in work he's at the gym and when I walk through the door he leaves to go the gym limiting any time we could spend together.

I think counselling is the right thing to do. Would you say sex or marriage counselling is best?

Blimey! I with cogitoErgo all the way here. Regaining intimacy is what's needed here. The loving, kind and thoughtful rather than trying to "go at it".

Question: Related to the topic. How late in life would you think it was reasonable for a man to want/expect his wife to sleep with him. I mean would you all be giving the same advice to a 60 year old woman..a 70 year old one..an 80 year old one?

Just interested. I have similar issues to OP and I just think there's a natural end to it all, at some point. I am probably too young to be at that point. I'm 45, but I just can't be arsed any more. I love DH - we mostlyget on, but I would be perfectly happy never to have sex again..with anyone. I find it a messy unpleasant chore.

at AbitWobbly's "open your legs" advice, bet he would be unhappy thinking she is forcing herself to lie back and think of england...

OP, does he do his share of the chores, housework and childcare?

Do you both have equal amount of child free leisure time?

Do you think he is willing to put in effort with regards to being more affection etc? I am concerned that he may be thinking that you need to do all the work...

Its very hard to conjure up a sex drive out of nowhere when he is expecting you to shoulder the main burden of child rearing and housework while he spends hours at the gym and does not bother with affection.

ABWN - I'm not sure that you're allowed to use testosterone gel if you have an 'intact womb' or 'intact ovaries' or something. You should google it. I'm sure it works to increase libido, but for most of the population, I don't think we can use it.

Marge - I think you're right - there really is a natural end to it all, based on biology - i.e., once we can no longer conceive easily, our bodies just lose interest in trying, iyswim. I can't be arsed either. And I'm 45 too.