How can I increase my sex drive

[kbaby]

Dh and I have two dc 8&6, we've been together 18 years and married 7.

Our Relationship over the past few years has changed and become more friend like. We speak, we get along etc but we lead quite in dependant lives and the affection seems to have gone.

Since having dc I have zero interest in sex. I can't even think of a reason why I don't want sex. I love him, he's attractive, I'm not tired. Even if brad Pitt appeared I wouldn't be interested.

I think as we aren't having frequent sex that's why the affection has gone too.
We have sex approx once every six months.

Last night he asked me if I loved him. When I asked why he replied that he feels I don't and am with him as a friend. He said he misses our sex life and if we don't improve things he can't stay in a marriage where there isn't sex.

I didn't realise how much us not having sex was effecting him. So as I love him, and him me, I really want to make an effort and try to improve things.

Does anyone have any experiences of similar circumstances and what did you do?

..but it confuses me that we are given this advice to try and prolong it all when basically it's only the guy that still wants it. To me it seems perfectly natural that sex drive declines. Do men's websites advise husbands to just accept that we DON'T want it any more, and to find ways to REDUCE their sex drive? I bet they do not.

re the 'age' question. The phone in on Jeremy Vine on Monday (I know, I know) was about the acceptability of older people having sex in care homes. The bit I heard was someone whose 100-year-old aunt had been in one and was still interested - found herself an 89-year old male partner (!) So I don't imagine it's a blanket thing that everyone goes off sex later in life. Marge I do see your point though that it is far more common for the woman to be told to step it up for her man, than for a man to be told to dial it down to the level of his female partner.

Look. I don't subscribe to the 'all men are bastards and all women are helpless victims' scenario.

The reason I gave OP short shrift is because she is being SELFISH. She is only thinking of her needs, which are 'I'm tired, don't feel like it and I don't want to'. What about him?

When you get married you enter into a CONTRACT. You make (if you are religious) VOWS. Those vows amongst others are 'to love and to cherish' and 'with my body I thee honour'.

She has got what is preoccupying her, which are children, and she is neglecting her H. THAT IS NOT FAIR. It is not! Natural justice says it is not fair!

And this kind, decent man is telling her clearly how this makes him feel (unloved, uncared for and rejected), and he is telling her clearly that he cannot go on like this, and he is telling her clearly what the consequence will be if she does not chose to value his feelings and needs that are separate from hers.

And I promise you: the more you do it, the better it gets. Somehow you do absorb testosterone from him, and your sex drive DOES increase.

If I was married to this kind, decent man I would f k him 6 ways from Saturday. The fact that someone might communicate his thoughts and feelings, and appeal to you as the one he really wants, he doesn't want anyone else, before sneaking off behind your back, is the ultimate aphrodisiac for me right now. They are rare, he is worth it, take him seriously!

OP, get yourself a great big tube of KY, smear it on his cock as part of foreplay, seduce him and then get on with it (that was me during the breastfeeding phase). Look him in the eye and tell him how much you love him and why. It does't matter if you don't feel much, this is just a time when you are giving. The more you do it the better it gets. You might surprise yourself.

Please ABWN you are wrong and you aren't helping. You need to get some real life help. Are you in an abusive relationship? Your attitudes to marriage and relationships suggest to me you are.

My husband who is a decent man would be absolutely sickened and horrified by what you are suggesting. Horrified.

I mean how dare the op retain her own bodily autonomy and needs in her relationship. How selfish she should be satisfying her husband(!)

How I read the op was that intimacy is the problem not specifically sex. Have loads of mechanical sex so he doesn't think of cheating is only likely to make their relationship worse. They need to deal with this like sensible adults with respect and love for each other not like the plot of a porn film.

Yes ABit is in an abusive relationship both were at it like rabbits and yet he still had an affair....

I cannot imagine how anyone could think sex once every six months was either "normal" or acceptable in a marriage. Really??!!

Er....so he doesn't want to spend any actual time with you, doesn't even want to eat with you, and then expects lots of sex? How alluring. Not.

If I thought my sex life was ending now, at 45, I'd shoot myself.
I've never wanted sex more than I do now ( and have done for a few years) it's better than ever, the menopause can make things difficult for a while and I expect my interest will wane somewhat when I'm in full blown meno, but a lot of older women are having great sex, free of hormonal contraception and worries about pregnancy.
Finding sex "an unpleasant chore" must be awful and says more about your relationship and attitude to it than you think.
Your post sounds like it was written by a bitter 70 year old, not a woman of 45 who should be having amazing sex with a man she loves - it's very sad and you'd be wise to read Orm's thread to see what can happen when intimacy disappears from a marriage.

you'd be wise to read Orm's thread to see what can happen when intimacy disappears from a marriage.

i have read this thread and there is nothing on it to say what their sex and initimate life was/is like...

Malificence -orm's husband didn't cheat because of anything she did. The correct way to deal with waning intimacy is how the OP's husband is dealing with it. Talking about it, then hopefully working on it together.

"normal" is irrelevant when it comes to sexual relationships. The only thing that is relevant is happiness. If either one is unhappy you work on it together or you split up. Forcing yourself to provide sex or intimacy when you don't want to doesn't help, it creates further issues. if someone is going to cheat in a relationship because their spouse isn't providing enough sex then a. I think they are trying to justify their cowardly and cruel actions by putting the blame on their partner which is abusive and b. they probably would cheat anyway no matter what you did since you have to be a special kind of self-entitled twat to cheat and then blame your spouse. I also think providing sex against your will is worse than ending a relationship and moving on and if anything totally destroys any intimacy.

I don't subscribe to the crass, open your legs approach, but do think there's a point somewhere in that if he's a decent man, you love him and want to stay in your marriage, you will need to address this issue, either through your doctor or through a sex therapist/Relate. He's sending you a clear signal here, and I wouldn't ignore it. It's not as simple as just leaping on him though, it's going to take time to restore lost intimacy and closeness.

It sounds to me as though your relationship just isn't being prioritised. Can anyone have the dc's for a night or two so you can go away alone? And if that doesn't appeal, maybe you need to consider whether this relationship is still the right one for you.

I agree that BOTH of them need to work together in addressing this - I get the impression that he is expecting her to do all the work.

I agree, madabout.

OP, if I'm honest, I think you need to be very wary. When my XH started saying similar things to me, he was laying the groundwork for justifying the affair he was about to embark on. I really hope this isn't the case in your situation.

Open communication is the only way here.

I'm with lessemin - OP, if you are using any sort of hormonal contraception, then that could be suppressing your sex drive. Made the world of difference to me, now I can't get enough.

There is some astonishingly bad advice on here in my view. And cruel references to another poster's current difficulties.

Your husband won't have an affair or leave because of the lack of sex OP. He'll do those things if he makes no efforts himself to nurture your relationship.

I'm interested that he's approached this problem by suggesting that you hold the solution to it, rather than treating it as a problem you share and can jointly resolve.

Sometimes conversations like this happen when an affair is already underway or about to start, so be very careful that you're not being set up to fail here and rule it out before consulting doctors and counsellors.

If that gets ruled out, have another discussion about spending more time together and him investing in family life more. Less time at the gym, both spending less time watching TV or the Internet, eating together, dates on your own, more conversations without distractions. I agree this is about intimacy building and not sex per se. Make sure you're both doing your fair share of domestic work and childcare - and have equal leisure time too.

Sorry not read all posts but are you on the pill?

I started a thread a few weeks ago about this and others who were on the pill were in the same boat

This may sound strange but due to a lot of stressmy dp and I had issues like this, we found an unusual answer. We bought a yoard game called monogamy and only played the first level for awhile and then built up to the steamy levels. The game actually starts with questions about each others likes and dislikes ie fav food,colour and why and really got us talking. The other thing it did was get us to think about things we could do for each other such as arranging for flowers or a day out with a friend away from each other. In other words it made us think about each other and re-discover who we were seperately and as a couple. We have been together for 19yrs this yr and sometimes we pull this out just to make sure we take the time fir each other. It s true that often a loss of sex drive is actually because either your stressed,tired or just feeling down. It takes time and you might feel silly at first but I can honestly say that it has seriously improved our relationship and made us closer and stronger

Sorry for spelling mistakes stupid android playing up

Making time for sex when you enjoy it but don't get around to it - yes. But faking it when you really don't want to is a really bad idea and will put you off sex more.

My suggestions would be - spend more time together, definitely. Talk, cuddle on the sofa watching TV. Go out with friends together, you get to be adults going out without the pressure of a 'date night'.

Good luck.

And I bet the morning kiss is more habit than a kiss if you see what I mean.

Start slowly, cuddle up to him whilst watching tv or give him a really decent kiss in tge morning, hold his hand.

Tge first poster had it right with "tactile and affectionate generally " this is lost so easily.

Marge2. That's my opinion of it all too!

He does a share of house tasks etc. I finish work at three pm to collect the kids so I tend to do the tidying in the week and do about 70% of the household cleaning and caring for children, schoolwork etc. however he does a share on Saturday and lunch boxes etc. he could do more but it's not an issue really. He works long hrs so I appreciate taking care of the house prob isnt high on his list of stuff to do:)
I asked him last night what ideas had he thought of to make us better? He replied ' me, it's you who has to change, what are you doing' needless to say I kindly pointed out that if he thinks the issue solely lies with me he needs to think again, as he can't expect me to just jump into bed and have sex when he's barely spoken all evening. He clearly thinks its all down to me whereas the more ive thought about it it's a lack of affection and interest of each other on both sides which has led to this not just lack of sex. I kind of understand what abitwobbly is saying(bluntly) and that I guess goes for affection too, at the moment it isn't coming naturally so we will probably need to make an effort and feel unnatural for a while before it becomes second nature again. I'm going to ask him to sit down tomorrow and discuss this, as apart from just dropping it on me he hasn't mentioned it again. I want to know if he feels the affection/closeness has gone then a) what little things would he like to change b) how does he suggest we make those changes. Obv that goes for me too I also need to provide some answers.

Please don't think the problem will be solved by forcing intimate behaviour. That only prevents you dealing with the real issue I think. Why does he think it is all down to you? He might still want sex without speaking to you but he needs to understand that being female in sex normally means being penetrated which is far more intimate and makes you far more vulnerable than for a man. If he is convinced it is your problem I don't think it bodes well that he says it must improve or he will leave. It suggests he is only concerned with himself and not the relationship or you. I think you have to factor this in to the problem as well. If that is his attitude it will have shown in other ways and is an intimacy destroyer - who'd want to have sex with someone who was only concerned about themselves?