WWYD family in chaos

[Downwardspiral]

Im really a bit lost with what to think or feel at the moment. Yesterday i had the bombshell that my cousin has been having an affair with her friends husband and she's moved out to be with this man. Leaving her husband with her 7 year old son and 11 month old twin girls. Shes been with her husband for 15 years (we were all in school together), he is one of those real gems that brings in all the money, really hardworking, helps around the house, cooks, cleans and does his fair share of childcare! She on the other hand is lazy, overweight and puts a minimal amount of effort into everything. I can't even believe she's found the energy to have an affair! But she has, and to make matters worse this "other-man" cared for his wife who'd lost both her legs! I know alot of people would think, it's just a cousin and not to get involved but our family is extremely close and we are more like sisters.

I can't get past feelings of absolutely hate for her, how could she do this to her young family and her loving husband (he is honestly amazing and recently worked every hour he could do pay for private IVF for the twins that she wanted!) it doesn't make sense! What makes someone do this especially a mother!? Do you think she could be having some kind of mental health problem? Our family is supporting her husband 100% my Aunt ( his MIL) is currently helping him with the kids, so that shows how much we think of him. If this does progress down the road of divorce I know he'll never give up those kids if she even wanted them, would he stand a good chance of full custody? I just hate her so much right now, how could I ever forgive her?! It's really rocked the foundations of our close loving family!! :( how can I help her husband?

Look at how you have described a member of your close loving family who you are more like a sister to.

Not really that loving.

Wow would you really be that nice about someone who has ruined your family! This will upset my elderly grandparents beyond words! I'm livid

Actually Xales I think how the OP describes her cousin shows that she was close and loving and therefore her cousin's behaviour has really really hurt her, hence the vitriol.

Downward I am sorry your family are going through this, but hopefully you will all get through this and the Husband will get through it and make a wonderful single dad.

Thank you overmydeadbody, you're spot on. We all met at our grandparents every Saturday with our children because they can't get out and about, they absolute adore all their great grandchildren, this just throws so much up in the air for us. I'm just angry she's done this now when our grandparents are really quite ill.

However close anyone is, no-one can know what goes on behind close doors. Yes, she could simply be acting selfishly or there could be have been something very wrong with the marriage that you're unaware of. When my aunt left her husband and five teenage sons many years ago everyone was very upset and she was roundly condemned. It was only years down the track that we discovered she'd been the victim of DV. People should neither get married nor stay married just to keep a family happy. Support the abandoned husband but resist the temptation to judge the cousin too harshly until you've heard all sides of the story.

Obviously there's no ideal time to have an affair but with twins under a year old you'd think she'd have different priorities!

She on the other hand is lazy, overweight and puts a minimal amount of effort into everything. That is not anger at something wrong that someone has done. That is what OP already thought of this person.

At the end of the day you don't really know everything that went on in their marriage.

Perhaps she has done this to get away from family who think that of her while she is I presume at home looking after 11 month old twins all day while her H is out of work. Who then comes home and puts all his energy into the children ignoring her?

All the family have instantly gone oh poor amazing H perhaps she has mental health problems not wow why the fuck did she do that perhaps there was a reason...

Absolutely, I've been a victim of DV myself but I would be very surprised if this was the case and she leave two baby girls with him? But indeed you would need to hear her side once she comes out of hiding.

Xales, you're not her by any chance? Just checking!

Yeah right. I am seeing a different side so I must be the person

What makes you think it's your place to 'forgive' your cousin? Surely that right is more properly accorded to her dh and/or a greater power?

In the event that there may be a chance of this marriage getting back on track at some point, you're best advised to help your cousin's h by not pouring scorn and oppobrium on her.

Close sisters support each other thought the bad times and, if your relationship is anything like you've claimed it to be, I would suggest you remove your judgeypants before you see your cousin again.

In these situations the needs of the dc should be paramount. Hearing their dm being slagged off criticised by all and sundry is not conducive to their wellbeing and I trust that views similar to your own are not being expressed within the hearing of your dns.

I would never say anything of the sort to her face, we're all intitled to think whatever we like about someone, she's told me to my face I'm a selfish mother because I have a career and I'm not home everyday, each to their own. She wanted to be a SAHM she's been home 4 years alone when the eldest was in school, part of the reason for the twins in so that she could stay home, she even told me that. Of course her H first priority would be his kids when he got home because he hasn't seen them all day and they would be off to bed soon?? I don't understand your point

Downwardspiral are you outraged at the light it might cast on your and other peoples of your close loving families perfection? Perfection is hard to maintain. Maybe she is acting out against The Waltons?

Your bile maybe justified but you do really have to have supernatural powers of empathy to truly understand someone elses motivation.

Yes i am sure your cousin seems very wronged at the moment, help him heal don't join in the anger fest.

Is there no-one else in your family that has ever split up or got divorced? Admittedly it is less usual for women to walk out on children than it is for men to abandon a family, but break-ups are pretty common. You've only to read these boards to see that many women who are very unhappy in a relationship would describe their partners as 'great dads' or say that to any onlookers they appear to have the ideal marriage. Could simply be that the new man made her feel attractive & desirable again, rather than a the lazy, fat mum of three that you paint her as.

This sounds more like sibling rivalry than moral outrage. You seem to have a list of reasons to be angry with her. If she wants to be sahm and you don't then agree to disagree, don't start using it as ammunition.
"Part of the reason for the twins was so she cojuld stay at home"
That makes no sense in any universe, to anyone, for any reason.
"She told me herself"
Perhaps you misunderstood.

Have you stopped and thought that perhaps her H has done such a number on her and on the whole family that they all think he is amazing and she thinks she has no one and no where to turn to, that he has said he will take the children and that could be why she has done this?

Rather than just she is a fat lazy immoral bitch who has done this?

There are plenty of threads on here from women who's Hs have threatened to take the children. Plenty of threads from women who's Hs are charm personified until he gets them behind closed doors.

You simply do not know what has gone on in their relationship or why she has done this.

Your immediate reaction could be confirming her worse fears and everything he has been saying to her!

You mentioned mental illness but it could be something as basic as a compulsion. Mothers don't often abandon children, as I said earlier. When they do, they'll often say that they thought the children were better off with Dad... feelings of inadequacy, the children don't need them etc. Another reason is that the children don't fit into the new set-up... although for that to work, it's usually when they've gone for something radically different like a much younger man or the free & single lifestyle. Significant that she's been with her husband since school ... couples that get together very young often hit a brick wall in their twenties.

However close your family is, your cousin's own family unit and the dynamic therein, really isn't your concern.

You are too involved....and fancy yourself as being entitled to opinionate about them as though it involves you directly. It doesn't.

No-one is obliged to stay in relationship they are unhappy in, because their grandparents are ill ffs. Your grandparents have no say in your cousin's marriage, and their health has no bearing on it - you are being ridiculous if you think it does!

My advice is for you to step well back until the dust has settled.

Hi there OP, you've written:

"It's really rocked the foundations of our close loving family!!"

And I sense that from some of the other stuff that you have written, that you have been brought up with very strong family values. Does this sound familiar?

Based on what you have written, I can understand why you are feeling so angry with your cousin. She has shat on those family values from a great height, not only putting her own family in turmoil, but ruining the marriage of another couple. I'm not quite sure what else to write at this moment, but do keep talking - it does help getting those feelings out there.

I'm sorry that this incident has wrought such damage to your family. In an ideal world, this shouldn't happen .

SoSad007 what planet are you on? Is it still 1846 round your way? Should she be shot then do you think upon reflection?

Excuse me lola, but you have no idea where I am, in fact, you have no idea who I am either. Exactly what are you reading into this?

If a woman decides to cheat on her husband and have an affair and then leaves him, why is that any less morally reprehensible than when a man does it?

Your post is entirely misplaced, and you would be better off considering what planet you live on!!!!!

think this might be the telling line from op 1st post

he is honestly amazing and recently worked every hour he could do pay for private IVF for the twins that she wanted!)

who the fuck work all hours when you have twin babies at home

and she wanted the kids did she wow they are his kids as well you know

OP your cousin husband was working all hours and left his wife at home with twin babies could you have cope with that

'Strong amily values' Sad?

There can be no greater tyranny than that found in some families.

I really don't think it is appropriate at all for you to take sides like you have. Taking sides is what rips families apart. No-one should have to stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of their elderly gps and cousin it is exceptionally interfering of you to take such a stance about someone who was supposedly like a sister. I love my sisters unconditionally, if they did something I very much disagreed with I'd feel upset and angry at them but it wouldn't change how I felt about them and I would never consider it appropriate to take sides against them. Wrong, wrong, wrong in my mind.

family not 'amily'!