WWYD family in chaos

[Downwardspiral]

Im really a bit lost with what to think or feel at the moment. Yesterday i had the bombshell that my cousin has been having an affair with her friends husband and she's moved out to be with this man. Leaving her husband with her 7 year old son and 11 month old twin girls. Shes been with her husband for 15 years (we were all in school together), he is one of those real gems that brings in all the money, really hardworking, helps around the house, cooks, cleans and does his fair share of childcare! She on the other hand is lazy, overweight and puts a minimal amount of effort into everything. I can't even believe she's found the energy to have an affair! But she has, and to make matters worse this "other-man" cared for his wife who'd lost both her legs! I know alot of people would think, it's just a cousin and not to get involved but our family is extremely close and we are more like sisters.

I can't get past feelings of absolutely hate for her, how could she do this to her young family and her loving husband (he is honestly amazing and recently worked every hour he could do pay for private IVF for the twins that she wanted!) it doesn't make sense! What makes someone do this especially a mother!? Do you think she could be having some kind of mental health problem? Our family is supporting her husband 100% my Aunt ( his MIL) is currently helping him with the kids, so that shows how much we think of him. If this does progress down the road of divorce I know he'll never give up those kids if she even wanted them, would he stand a good chance of full custody? I just hate her so much right now, how could I ever forgive her?! It's really rocked the foundations of our close loving family!! :( how can I help her husband?

I agree with offred and topknob - the issue is not the morality surrounding the affair, but the OP's self appointed involvement, side taking, and opinionating in it all, which she justifies because they are a close family.

The OP is too embroiled in it.

Down- it's a crap situation that you're in as a family but some of the others make a good point. No matter how close you are, there's always stuff you don't know/have absolutely no idea about.
I find it hard to believe, especially after going through treatment to have her little ones, that she would simply just walk away but I don't know her.
It could very well be some form of mental health problem, does she have history? how was she after having the babies? Surely someone within the family would have noticed if she was suffering.

xales wrote Plenty of threads from women who's Hs are charm personified until he gets them behind closed doors.

My ex was this person, in front of our families and friends he behaved as though butter wouldn't melt, Mr perfect husband, father, good guy bullshit everything was twisted to my fault...... AND EVERYONE FELL FOR IT :( including my own family.
So when I finally lost my mind/had enough/seen the light, (whatever you want to call it) and I split with him, he made my life absolute hell, I don't want to give TMI but to be honest he destroyed me.
My point is if I looked from outside at my own situation, I would judge wrongly that I was to blame for what happened to me, it was so easy for others to think that way because of what my ex had done to dupe them for so long.
I understand that you're shocked at the moment but please listen to both sides of the story, only then will it be a fair judgement. x

Mumsyblouse thank you! Someone else that sees it!

There are some things in life that are complete no-go areas, if you have any integrity whatsoever. IMO cheating is one of them. If you have no integrity, then have at it.

SoSad007 you might find if you peep out through the net curtains that people cheat, behave badly to one another. It happens. I am not condoning it, what I am against is the mass hysteria it creates, the outrage. Living a lie is a bigger sin. Of course people are hurt, that is what happens. it has happened to people and they have survived. This sort of shit slinging by parties otherwise not involved does not help those in the middle.
Do not cast aspersions on other peoples moral character till you have walked in their shoes. Have you SoSad007? Life isn't that tidy I am afraid.

My partner walked out on me leaving me with a 2 year old. In the fullness of time we have repaired the hate and anger (took time but hey). In time. What did my family do? Blame me. Though I was not the cheater. It was still my fault. Sometimes you cannot win my dear. So easier to not start pointing fingers and the less shit you stir, the easier it is for the two parties to find space to talk.
Step back

What I don't understand is the people defending the actions of your cousin, even if she had a terrible home life why the affair? just get rid of the abuser or leave, I can't see why having an affair is helpful

So basically it was based on the old "mumsnet says xyz" that's a made up argument you are having with yourself sosad. What was said on another thread is fairly irrelevant MN advice is patchy because it is used by individuals and tends to be tailored to whoever is around and also like attracts like. People are unlikely to dive into a sea of agreement to disagree and if they do can be forgotten about because people remember the consensus only. This thread is nothing to do with the morality/immorality of cheating or the quality of the relationship between the cousin and her DH. What it is to do with for me is an op who is seeking justification in attacking her cousin for infringing her own personal rules of morality and looking for spurious reasons to justify that interference and side taking.

There is no comment being made on whether the cousin's behaviour from me, neither positive or negative or excusatory or condemning.

I'm not defending the actions of the OP's cousin, Akermanis, but it seems to me that the OP is determined to do the woman who is 'like a sister' to her down without having heard her side of the story.

I think her weight is completely irrelevant to this and don't understand why OP brought it up as a criticism?

I haven't defended the cousin either - I just happen to think the OP should butt out, and stop using irrelevant things, like their grandparents health, to point score.

lola I see that your attitude and the insults do come very naturally for you. Its a shame that you can't see others opinions and allow others to express these opinions in a respectful manner. I am sorry that someone in your past taught you this way of being. May I respectfully suggest that you seek a more appropriate outlet for the negative feelings that you are having?

SoSad007 you may indeed and may I respond by telling you to yourself. However, your pomposity is a big floaty balloon I feel compelled to burst. If MN is not an outlet then I don't know what might be for my firmly held beliefs, or yours for that matter. Many of which you have splattered across her. So that's fair isn't it? Except I don't agree and you don't like my tone.
Get over yourself

OP I think all you can do is be there to help the husband and the children.
Cut your cousin out of your life, I really hope that if it is a divorce she comes out of it with nothing, she has no right to those children if she could walk out on them with such ease

That's a shame lola. I can see that there is a great deal of anger in you, and for some reason you have chosen to take it out on me. I know that I have honesty, integrity and respect, and others who have interacted with me on MN would agree. I'm sorry that you feel the need to take umbrage with me, a stranger on the net that you have never met.....

Not defending the cousin at all but it really isn't any of the op's business. If my cousin were to have an affair I wouldn't make any judgement as it isn't my marriage !

You felt free to comment on the actions of a total stranger *SoSad007" did you not?

what a horrible bitch

he is better off without the slovenly cow

I can't believe the holier than thou 'do not judge' attitudes on this post!

Can you only hurt if you are a betrayed spouse?

What part of 'affairs damage and hurt everybody, in ever widening ripples of pain' have people forgotten?

OP whilst I can see that the OM has said he is tired of looking after his disabled wife, it is interesting that if she is fat and idle, he is choosing the same dynamic with a different person.

So sorry for your family.

Oh abitwobbly try actually reading the posts. No-one is saying she can't be hurt, just that she shouldn't be judgy and interfering in someone else's relationship if she is bothered about keeping her family together. Anyone that was remotely bothered about the children wouldn't slag off and ostracise their mother.