WWYD family in chaos

[Downwardspiral]

Im really a bit lost with what to think or feel at the moment. Yesterday i had the bombshell that my cousin has been having an affair with her friends husband and she's moved out to be with this man. Leaving her husband with her 7 year old son and 11 month old twin girls. Shes been with her husband for 15 years (we were all in school together), he is one of those real gems that brings in all the money, really hardworking, helps around the house, cooks, cleans and does his fair share of childcare! She on the other hand is lazy, overweight and puts a minimal amount of effort into everything. I can't even believe she's found the energy to have an affair! But she has, and to make matters worse this "other-man" cared for his wife who'd lost both her legs! I know alot of people would think, it's just a cousin and not to get involved but our family is extremely close and we are more like sisters.

I can't get past feelings of absolutely hate for her, how could she do this to her young family and her loving husband (he is honestly amazing and recently worked every hour he could do pay for private IVF for the twins that she wanted!) it doesn't make sense! What makes someone do this especially a mother!? Do you think she could be having some kind of mental health problem? Our family is supporting her husband 100% my Aunt ( his MIL) is currently helping him with the kids, so that shows how much we think of him. If this does progress down the road of divorce I know he'll never give up those kids if she even wanted them, would he stand a good chance of full custody? I just hate her so much right now, how could I ever forgive her?! It's really rocked the foundations of our close loving family!! :( how can I help her husband?

SoSad00, Adults are entitled to leave a relationship. Many do. It happens. We do not live in the ideal world you imagine exists somewhere. No I have no idea who you are as much as you haven't a clue about OP.
So, don';t get out of your armchair love, am aware men do it too. Its the grounds for it that matter. And from what I have read, we have precisely one side of that story. Cool your jets

When family values are use as a facade for mysogyny, then yes, that can be a great tyranny.

Do you honestly think that is what is happening here?

And will anyone answer my question as to why a woman cheating is any less morally reprehensible than a man cheating??? Or does no one want to tackle that one?

And so what if the op might have "strong family values" it doesn't mean she is entitled to vengefully ostracise people she supposedly loves for not behaving how she believes they should does it? So entitled to feel bad about it, not entitled to spew hate and take sides and especially to moralise about the elderly family being upset, they'll be more upset for longer if the family descends into bitterness and division.

Offred you were the one hanging out the colours up there at the start. No one else. She is the wicked person. he is the hard done one. The taking sides is what is ripping your family apart and you are right in there shouting the odds.

You are blaming and condeming in the most spiteful way about a situation that is not really your business.

This is exactly why people warn others of the dangers of cheating, this is what happens, families are hurt and will lash out.

OP just do your best to help your family until you have a chance to hear her out.

Sosad I don't know where you are getting that from? Who is it directed at and who said it was not as bad?

Well lilo, when you insult someone, you should expect that person to get out of their chair. Or does insulting peeople just come so naturally to you???

offred confused here. whoops.

If she's left such young children, I'd say there is something very wrong. Perhaps she's unwell. Perhaps the husband isn't nice to her despite how he appears to other people. Perhaps she's very selfish.

Concentrate on helping anyone who is caring for the children. The rest will unravel one way or another.

SoSad - who said it was less morally reprehensible for a woman than a man?
I don't think anyone did, did they?

There is no difference. She should like anyone else male or female have left her marriage first.

Ignoring all the affair apologists on this thread, you have every right to be extremely pissed off at her behaviour. She has walked out on her children. What are you supposed to do ? Send her a congratulations card ? Be angry, be disgusted and be there for her confused and devastated babies, whose world has been turned upside down. All because yet another spineless cheat hasn't had the guts to face up to whatever problems she may have been having before opening her legs for some equally reprehensible excuse for a man.

This is very odd. When someone posted last week about their brother having an affair and running off and leaving their neice of a few months old, the names he was called were unbelievable. People were saying they would never speak to them again.

This is a similar situation, but mysteriously the OP has to be understanding that her cousin has a choice to leave, shouldn't call her names or feel resentful, should understand the pressures she was under with little ones.

So, all men who leave are bastards, all women who leave are adults making a choice and deserve sympathy for having to look after the children while their husband worked, whilst fitting in a bit on the side as well!

SoSad007 insulting? it is like breathing to me dear heart. I do not agree with your 1950's morality and all it entails. It is everything I despise.
Still feeling insulted? sorry.

Let your cousin and his wife resolve their problems. It is not you she is leaving.

sosad007 is your peevish italics and mispelling of my name as childish and playground as it seems? Or am I misunderstanding you

Who's an affair apologist?

All I'm saying is that it is none of the OP's business what her cousin does in her relationship. Whilst she's entitled to her feelings I don't think she's entitled to act on them in a hurtful and divisive way. Just like the person who had an affair acted on their feelings in a hurtful and divisive way. Unhelpful.

Christ, if OP posted that the husband had fucked off with OW, HE would have got a pasting

lola erm 1950's morality??? So in your world, it is ok for a person to cheat on their partner. Am I reading that right?

firstly there is no excuse fir what she has done, apart from possibly a mental breakdown.
But I don't think that is it. I think I might actually know her, my friend did this (and has twin girls) but it was a while ago. Caused destruction to the entire family. However I think that you need to remain as neutral as possible. Yes you are angry, but you ranting a raving isn't going to help anyone.
It doesn't matter if he work too much, she was lazy. I know you are mad but don't get involved with the mud slinging.

By the way, I do believe everyone is free to make that choice without having to face the firing squad.

I would not get too involved, OP, it isn't your business and you don't know what was going on in the marriage. As I also said on the brother thread, you will be relatives with people for decades, don't make yourself the morality police in the family. You can tell your cousin you think she's done the wrong thing without ostracising her or estranging her for ever.

No mumsyblouse different people comment on different threads. It depends who is around. I didn't comment on the other thread. If I did I would have said the same. Other people's relationships are none of your business, getting invoked only makes things worse for everyone.

Op I don't see what business any of it is of yours.

It's the kids I feel sorry for in all this

mumsyblous I think it was OP's bitchy description of her cousins wife that made me feel for her. It sounded like she was using her fat laziness as a bench mark of her moral sponginess. The idealizing of the husband and the wretchedness of the wife. It just felt a bit one sided to my mind and we all know that marriages from the outside are not that easy to read. There must have been more to it than that.
And I don't think every woman would defend another woman leaving a marriage for another man. Far from it. But when the OP is outraged because of the damage being wrought to the extended family, cos they all go round and play at the grandparents and so on, other reasons to be annoyed about it really.

Well you obviously could never stand your cousin, in spite of your claims be to be as close as sisters. I think it's the "overweight" bit that completely stuck in my craw. Don't you realise how shallow and spiteful that completely irrelevant observation makes you sound? How about " she has dyed blonde hair" or " she uses fake tan"? Does that somehow make her a worse human being? What possible relevance does it have to her leaving her children?