Sure wife is continuing her emotional affair with old flame

[Getthruthis]

Hi mumsnet. I could do with ur local advice, i.e British not American. 7 months ago I caught my wife meeting up with an old flame and through reading her email (we share a laptop for all our emails), I noticed they were nearly in love. She gave me the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' speech which is widely spoken by cheaters so they keep you on hold while they engage their affair.
I immediately spoke to a solicitor or three. I will see my boy once a fortnight, lose my wife, lose my home and 75% of all we own should we divorce. British law does not apportion blame so I understand fathers 4 justice (sorry I know mumsnet detest them). Anyway she said she would stop contact. I installed various bits of software to check and over the past 7 months she has managed to have no contact for max 2 weeks and she tells me she loves him. Currently we are in week 3 but I think they have just found other routes to stay in touch. I know him, have found where he lives etc. I could easily challenge him but it's my wife who should end their affair. I know I should just press for divorce but I can't do it. Am I being a fool in thinking she will come out of this affair fog to see the damage she's done. We weren't great before the affair. I figured the recent arrival of our son was stressing her out too much as she had a previous abortion, felt guilty so spoilt our son whenever he cried. If I intervened, she got physical so I backed away. Currently she is a stay at home mum and I am struggling to make ends meet. I am paying for her to see a counsellor but am worried they will just justify to her why she was right to behave how she does. I've told her the usual estranged husband spiel of loving her, sticking by her, supporting her etc. even said I want more kids. She replied to try step kids! Anyway, am I being the fool and is divorce that bad? Has anyone ever got through a relationship as far gone as this?
We tried relate but I walked out when I realised I could recount every detail of how we met etc but my wife struggled and only could recount that she thought I had a good job.

Why do you think you would only see your DS once a fortnight?

My wife would need to work so she would have him every other weekend and I would have the other. I get home about 7 and he is in bed then. Worse case, is once a fortnight.

can you cut back on hours some evenings a week so that you can have him then?

Maybe do extra hours a different day?

Already done so would have Thursday pm too but this is temporary as work support me.

I wanted to say something helpful but I got derailed by 'spoilt our son whenever he cried'.

You can't actually 'spoil' babies by loving and responding to them.

I do hope you find a way through your current situation, it sounds very hard. Hopefully you will get some useful advice here.

I understand u can never have too much love. A child needs boundaries though and u shouldn't go back on a refusal to give something just because a child throws a tantrum. They then learn that tantrums work. If I was as hard nosed as you imply, my wife would have been kicked out 7 months ago!

This sounds like a nightmare time for you

Was there a specific reason for her starting the counselling? Was it for anger management? What did she do when she 'got physical'?

Do you think she is still seeing him?

How d is your child, could your wife be suffering with pnd?

She started counselling as she got so angry and would throw a wobbly at anything. Sometimes I have had to shield my son and turn my back to the anger. However I know life has ups and downs. She has got wrapped up with this old flame and has the butterflies of initial love so can't see the support she has at home. I don't want my son to be raised by a single parent so am sticking with it but this makes a mockery of anything 'difficult' that I've done before. Anyone in the same boat?

Talk to your work and see what you can do on a permanent basis. A child deserves to have a caring, hands on father in their life more than every other weekend.

Or look for another job which is more flexible (I know not so easy right now).

You wife's actions have made it clear she is not going to give up OM while you continue to stay in this situation. I think you need to treat her as already lost to you. So I think you need to start a divorce. It doesn't have to be the end, you can stop them at any time or well my mother remarried my step-father lol

If you do this. Be prepared for her to move in the OM and for him to be your son's step-father

There is no win for you I don't think.

Our son is 3. I thought pnd but now think anger is because I am refusing her departure to other man.

Sorry xpost with your last.

A violent angry household is no place for a child to grow up in

How old is your ds?

Sorry but seeing a stepfather for my son would result in me being locked up. I understand why people can do certain things in life. Husbands have no rights it seems in this situation. I'd like to channel my anger into a force for good to get the laws changed but where to start?!

Where to start. If your wife is really violent and angry start documenting/reporting it and go for full custody.

Sorry, X posted. Well first of all, at your ds' age courts advise that you see them little and often. Once a fortnight isn't very much, agreed.

I would suggest you go back to a decent couples therapist to find out if your wife would like to make the marriage work or whether it is over.

She is welcome to move out and leave your son behind, it doesn't have to be you?

Assume ds is wife. She is 36. Same as me. I have thought of sticking for 6 more years so she is denied more children. A bad sign of how bitter I am about this now.

If you work until 7pm, then you aren't able to see much of dc much now, except at weekends I guess? So you would certainly expect to see him one day at the weekend. What time do you leave for work?

I've moved out twice and received panicked phone calls of promises to try harder and behave etc.

DS is dear son. At the bottom of the page is a list of acronyms if it gets confusing

Not sure therapists know what they're talking about. Just a paid sympathetic ear!

Ah. Ds is 3.

Leave work at 6. See him every night at bedtime. That's my duty. Also all weekend.

That's just (understandable) anger/bitterness speaking...and a bit impractical. Plus it would mean the same for you, putting your life on hold for 6 years when in that time you could meet and fall in love and live happily ever after with someone else.

If you were a woman, I would be saying exactly the same thing.