Sure wife is continuing her emotional affair with old flame

[Getthruthis]

Hi mumsnet. I could do with ur local advice, i.e British not American. 7 months ago I caught my wife meeting up with an old flame and through reading her email (we share a laptop for all our emails), I noticed they were nearly in love. She gave me the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' speech which is widely spoken by cheaters so they keep you on hold while they engage their affair.
I immediately spoke to a solicitor or three. I will see my boy once a fortnight, lose my wife, lose my home and 75% of all we own should we divorce. British law does not apportion blame so I understand fathers 4 justice (sorry I know mumsnet detest them). Anyway she said she would stop contact. I installed various bits of software to check and over the past 7 months she has managed to have no contact for max 2 weeks and she tells me she loves him. Currently we are in week 3 but I think they have just found other routes to stay in touch. I know him, have found where he lives etc. I could easily challenge him but it's my wife who should end their affair. I know I should just press for divorce but I can't do it. Am I being a fool in thinking she will come out of this affair fog to see the damage she's done. We weren't great before the affair. I figured the recent arrival of our son was stressing her out too much as she had a previous abortion, felt guilty so spoilt our son whenever he cried. If I intervened, she got physical so I backed away. Currently she is a stay at home mum and I am struggling to make ends meet. I am paying for her to see a counsellor but am worried they will just justify to her why she was right to behave how she does. I've told her the usual estranged husband spiel of loving her, sticking by her, supporting her etc. even said I want more kids. She replied to try step kids! Anyway, am I being the fool and is divorce that bad? Has anyone ever got through a relationship as far gone as this?
We tried relate but I walked out when I realised I could recount every detail of how we met etc but my wife struggled and only could recount that she thought I had a good job.

I know that's impractical but it is one of the things I feel and need to express, though not to my wife. That would not improve our situation!

OP, I feel for you, I really do. You sound like a kind husband and a good dad, and it is a shame that you wife does not appreciate that. I speak from the other side of this, my DH cannot not decide between me and OW, so I have made the decision for him and started the divorce - you can't make a person stay, they have to want to for themselves.

If she doesn't want to stay, so you should separate. Perhaps the reality of life without you will make the situation real to her and she will come back. If she doesn't, then you can divorce. Right now she has no incentive to decide as she has the best of both worlds.

Your child will not benefit from growing up in a home with angry estranged parents, so long term separation may be the best solution for him too.

Anyway football has now finished so no excuse for hiding any more. If you read this and can offer sound advice, please do so and I will read during the football tomorrow. Thanks for reading!

This sounds really awful for you. :(

May I ask how old your son is? It's hard to tell quite what you mean by 'spoiling', too, without details... though this is probably a side issue.

Frankly, what you describe- the rages etc, if they are started after having your son- fits with PND. It can seem like you've made a huge mistake, that you should have made a different turn somewhere in life. (So making a partner from the past attractive again?) Even the forgetting details about when you first met- this could be down to the general foggyness depression can bring. Impossible to tell, really, from here. Has she ever been to see her GP? Is she prepared to try medication, if she hasn't tried it already?

I also wondered, reading your OP, if you had spoken about what had gone wrong, honestly. Is the abortion a possible factor? You also sound like you have some history with cheats, which may have fed into how you dealt with the situation.

However, I can see why you might not feel like giving her the benefit of the doubt any more. This is a very hurtful situation for you to be in.

She is unlikely to just 'come out of this affair fog'. Things usually get a lot worse (ie intense) in affairs. They can go on for years. Is OM also married?

If you're so bitter and angry that you want to stay with her for 6 years until her child bearing years are over, I don't see a way ahead for the two of you. You either confront her about the latest contact, get a divorce or have to turn a blind eye. But if you choose to turn a blind eye and are so bitter, you will make life hell for you, her and your DS over the course of the next 6 years that you plan to stay with her.
What makes you think that it will be easier to leave her when DS is 9, rather than now?

I secretly know divorce is the best option but it's a dark abyss to look into.

And it wouldnt be fair on your son to live in an unhappy environment.

Have you spoken to her properly, what does she say?

Divorce is a dark abyss, but it's a better abyss than the one you're staring into now, which is apparently several more years with a cheating wife.

So if she wants to leave, she leaves - ultimately you can't stop her.

If she preferred to go to the OM rather than stay with her son what would you do? Would you give up work and be with your son full-time?

The 6 year thing is not a serious thought, just anger! I have not cheated ever. As silly as it sounds, i see light shining from her backside even though I know most people think I'm stupid for doing so. My knowledge of how to deal with this is all from usa marriage forums like talkaboutmarriage.com.

I'd love to be a full time dad!

There are all sorts of ways access could work if you chose to separate. Some divorced fathers do the morning school run, some do Fri/Sat overnights, some have made arrangements with employers to do an early finish midweek and do extra to make up for it, another takes DS to Beaver Cubs/overnight/school next morning...But I really don't think it will be once a fortnight. As I said, courts really don't favour that kind of contact for a small dc, unless distance is a big factor, especially if the father has been a hands on dad prior to that.

There is no trust in this relationship. Why would you want to continue it? You are spying on her!

I don't understand why you wouldn't have 50-50 shared care if you divorce

The couple whose arrangements I know best post-divorce have an exact 50/50 split in time with their children, which I thought was the default choice these days. They both work full-time now. They have found mediation to get these arrangements sorted out helpful.

The male half of the couple absolutely refused to move out as it was his wife's choice to end the relationship, which I thought was quite right tbh.

Joint custody is normal, but that does not always mean 50/50. Getthruthis works long hours and his W is a SAHM, I think?

A good website for discussing access and finances is WikiDivorce

But I agree something has to change. It sounds a miserable existence, causing you much anxiety and stress.

And yes to organising mediation for a workable way forward.

Would you both consider working part-time? Whether or not you can stay together, it might work better as a balance between you. I found being financially dependent on dh incredibly hard. He is currently financially dependent on me, and finds it almost impossible.

Hi OP, I have read this thread, and you sound like a nice rational person who is trying to do the best that they can, given the circumstances.

There are a few indications that your wife is rather self-absorbed. I understand that perhaps you have a sense of loyalty to your wife, and therefore have refrained from saying too many bad things about her. However, if you could please recount in exact detail some of the interactions between you, it will give us a better idea of your situation, and therefore what sort of help you might need.

As far as her changing and becoming the engaged, loving, wonderful wife that you are looking for - what probability do you give to that happening? 50%? 80%? 0%? You have already give her an ultimatum twice, and twice she has promised you that she would change, and then failed to deliver. It also sounds like you are having some trouble accepting that this spells the end of your marriage, and are looking for possible solutions. For now, perhaps accept that you can't accept the end of the marriage, until you feel its time to move on from that.

Unfortunately, the truth can be hard to accept, and yes, I would be giving this advice to you whether you are a man or a woman (although i'm not sure why I need to justify that).

there is no trust in this relationship. 7 months ago there was but it has been reduced day by day as my wife has repeatedly tried to hide her affair from me. I'm sure it's hidden even deeper from me now. Last night I said I would stop spying on her so we could rebuild trust. Her reply was always in the past tense about our relationship, too late, we can live close to each other etc etc. She has left the relationship and expects me to support her and our child. I've read it takes 6 weeks of no contact to come out of the fog and it's been 3 so far with no sign of her changing her views. I think there is still contact and will be devastated when I find it. The law needs changing so that women don't have the upper hand in a marriage when it comes to ending it. It's like she has all the cards and all I have is my refusal to cooperate when it comes to divorce. I don't see why I should live in the marital home, saying goodbye to my son on a nightly basis while our home is sold and the papers go through. I did that 7 months ago when I had no hope and it was a horrific 2 weeks of putting him to bed and spluttering through his bedtime story.
I am not going to have another man raise my son and will stick this out to the bitter end. Thought I would share with you all what's it like when a woman decides she will have her cake and eat it when it comes to a marriage. In front of our son and families, we are cordial and fake getting along. Our pillow talk is full of hatred and bitterness towards each other ending in a sleep with our backs to each other. To the outsider, our marriage will seem like it's recovering after I exploded and told the world on discovery of the affair. She blames this as a reason why we won't ever recover though I think friends and family will only be too happy to see us bringing up our son together.
I'm spying to make their relationship difficult and awkward to continue. At the beginning she had no reason to stop texting him in front of me till I exploded at her to have some respect for the person working his guts out to pay her phone bill. Then it moved to facebook so I cracked her password and cut that route out. So it moved to email and I had to crack that. Then her phone became the focus so that had software installed. Now I guess she has a payg phone so that means installing voice activated recorders in the car and house to catch her speaking to him. This does sound ridiculous and honestly it is, but I believe in doing things properly and if the guidance is to try 6 weeks of no contact, then I will try that and see what happens. I'm sure I will be in the same boat then so guess it will be more keeping my head down till I have no hope and then 1 year after losing hope, I will press for divorce if I survive that long.
Some people say divorce immediately, sell the house and then separate but that is hard and I still have hope for us if I could only find a way to end the affair. One solicitor asked me how I would feel if he was run over by a bus - tempting way to end contact between them but unfortunately a locked up dad won't do my son any good.
Anyone have any tips for how to make my wife wake up and come out of the affair or depression fog that she is lost in?
My wife is a sahm and I work long hours. She was made redundant at the start of her maternity leave (yes we took them to court and settled out of court) and this has knocked her confidence for getting a new job. Our son is still only 3 so not in school yet except for 9 hours a week at nursery. My wife won't earn enough cash to cover his full time nursery fees and we both believe that isn't the best thing for him. So the upshot is I'm stuck supporting my wife and son while she has it off with another bloke in as secretive a way as possible while telling me she loves me but is not in love with me. Sick!

Wow reading that last post made me think it really is time to let her go. Living a life where you have to control another person's behaviour to such a degree is not good for you. This situation is obviously all consumming and preventing you from living a happy and peaceful life. As someone in a 12 step recovery programme I can recognize all sorts of addictive/controlling behaviour that will not change anything except it will probably make you go mad. Please have some kindness for yourself and stop enabling her to act childishly and selfishly and let her go. Her consequences will be her own as rarely do love affairs work out but more importantly you need to stay sane for your son.

I'm sorry if that seemed quite simplistic and I know you want to know how to continue your marriage but a marriage is based on 2 people wanting to work at it. It sounds as though you wife has left already emotionally if not physically. She may leave physically at some point and have the opportunity to find out for herself how good she had it, then that puts you in a different position. You may or may not want her back by that point or she may never decide to come back in which case that is how it is meant to be. Your son will grow up happier with 2 parents who can respect each others choices rather than parents who try to control each other.

She doesn't want to be with you any more. Have some self respect!

Thing is though if my wife is lost as she says, then it is my responsibility to stick by her. I do think erasing all the spy software would be liberating and then I can see how she behaves once I lift that pressure. I've made a lot of gestures and none have been recognised except when I rearranged my hours. I'm not prepared for my son to be raised without my daily presence.

She says that but I've left twice and she has begged me to return.

I have self respect and will not let anyone affect my life in ways I don't agree with.