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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sure wife is continuing her emotional affair with old flame

67 replies

Getthruthis · 23/06/2012 21:27

Hi mumsnet. I could do with ur local advice, i.e British not American. 7 months ago I caught my wife meeting up with an old flame and through reading her email (we share a laptop for all our emails), I noticed they were nearly in love. She gave me the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' speech which is widely spoken by cheaters so they keep you on hold while they engage their affair.
I immediately spoke to a solicitor or three. I will see my boy once a fortnight, lose my wife, lose my home and 75% of all we own should we divorce. British law does not apportion blame so I understand fathers 4 justice (sorry I know mumsnet detest them). Anyway she said she would stop contact. I installed various bits of software to check and over the past 7 months she has managed to have no contact for max 2 weeks and she tells me she loves him. Currently we are in week 3 but I think they have just found other routes to stay in touch. I know him, have found where he lives etc. I could easily challenge him but it's my wife who should end their affair. I know I should just press for divorce but I can't do it. Am I being a fool in thinking she will come out of this affair fog to see the damage she's done. We weren't great before the affair. I figured the recent arrival of our son was stressing her out too much as she had a previous abortion, felt guilty so spoilt our son whenever he cried. If I intervened, she got physical so I backed away. Currently she is a stay at home mum and I am struggling to make ends meet. I am paying for her to see a counsellor but am worried they will just justify to her why she was right to behave how she does. I've told her the usual estranged husband spiel of loving her, sticking by her, supporting her etc. even said I want more kids. She replied to try step kids! Anyway, am I being the fool and is divorce that bad? Has anyone ever got through a relationship as far gone as this?
We tried relate but I walked out when I realised I could recount every detail of how we met etc but my wife struggled and only could recount that she thought I had a good job.

OP posts:
teahouse · 24/06/2012 16:51

My ex-H got almost everything when we divorced and it was his choice to only see his kids every other weekend.
I would see another solicitor - I was only 30 when we split and it was felt by our divorce mediator that I could stop being a SAHM and student and get a job (using the degree I was studying for) so therefore most financial bits went to him, not me.

curiositykitten · 24/06/2012 16:52

You have a few options:

You either live in this terrible mess for the foreseeable future, in which your son WILL pick up on;

You persuade her somehow to allow you to be the resident parent, with her having the NRP access;

Or you leave the relationship and work on being the very best father you can be to your son, regardless of how much or little you see him.

redbunnyfruitcake · 24/06/2012 17:02

To be honest it sounds like your wife wants to have her cake and eat it. I know you are trying to be a good husband and see her through her confusion but it seems like she is well enough to have an emotional affair with another man. She will probably continue as long as you are there to support her.

Dprince · 24/06/2012 17:13

You need to stop trying to stop ways of her contacting him. The fog will only (if it ever does) lift if she chooses not to contact him. This is turning you into somebody you are not.
You need to see a lawyer that is specific to family law. You can get more access. This is an awful situation on your wife really seems not to care about you. I am sorry you are in this situation.
I think she has already mentally checked out. She needs you there as she seems not to be able to do it alone, or at least think she can't. But she doesn't want you there.

Dprince · 24/06/2012 17:15

Would she give custody of your as to you and her be the bro?

Getthruthis · 24/06/2012 17:22

This is a horrible situation. Divorcing should not be the solution but it probably will be. I'm going to try not to spy for three more weeks, then delete the software and hand her the papers if she still sticks to her opinion that there is no future for us. These need rewriting as you can't file using adultery as the reason if you wait longer than 6 months. Now it needs to be unreasonable behaviour. If by a miracle, she does want to try, then software will still be deleted as a gesture and I'll expect her to be transparent with me. I'd love that to be the outcome but she won't come round to see me in a new light till I'm gone. It takes an awful lot for a man to end his marriage and give up custody of his son. The law needs changing. For me to get custody, I need to prove my wife is incapable through filming her etc. I may be a spy but I can't do that to her. This is very unfair!

OP posts:
Lizzabadger · 24/06/2012 17:22

Divorce her and go for 50-50 care.

Does your wife use Mumsnet?

Getthruthis · 24/06/2012 17:24

No she has not looked for any help in repairing our relationship. Her only Internet interest has been in looking for people who know om so she can contact him through them :(

OP posts:
Getthruthis · 24/06/2012 17:27

This is not fair on our son. He wakes in the night and asks for me....

OP posts:
Getthruthis · 24/06/2012 17:32

I have visited om house and sat outside to confront the woman he lives with. My wife panicked, it's all a fantasy!! So I stupidly gave her another chance and 3 weeks later she thinks it's fine to tell me she doesn't want to repair our marriage. Then she starts planning the summer and how we should redo the front garden. Crazy woman!! Where do I go?

OP posts:
redbunnyfruitcake · 24/06/2012 17:35

You will be there for your son when he stays with you and at other times you can be in contact by Skype, phone etc. Your wife may even be willing to let you have more custody than you imagine as raising a child on your own is very hard work and she will still need your support as a parent if not a husband. I can tell you are gutted but it sounds like you are trying to keep things together for your son which will not work in the long run. Children pick up on unhappiness and distrust and learn ways of coping that inform the rest of their lives. Be brave and do the thing that is best for all you.

Dprince · 24/06/2012 17:36

She seems to be back and forth. Maybe she thinks you won't leave and stay gone. That eventually you will accept her relationship with OM because you don't want to not see your son everyday. I think she is holding the custody issue over your head. When you have left she wants you back because the OM is not going to leave his do.

curiositykitten · 24/06/2012 18:32

She seems to be back and forth. Maybe she thinks you won't leave and stay gone. That eventually you will accept her relationship with OM because you don't want to not see your son everyday. I think she is holding the custody issue over your head. When you have left she wants you back because the OM is not going to leave his do.

Exactly this.

She is using you.

WorldOfMeh · 24/06/2012 21:55

Hmmm. OK, aside from agreeing with everyone who is saying you need to let go, there are some other points I feel should be made.

  1. We only have your side of the story. I'm sure you're more than aware of that, but obviously that then means that our perspective is necessarily flawed. Hence going together to a third party to mediate is possibly going to be more useful.

  2. You seem to be whipping yourself up into quite a state. Understandable, in the circumstances. However, although (assuming I have interpreted your posts correctly, and not allowing for bias) your wife is certainly not behaving well, I think it is very likely there were problems long before this 'affair' started. I doubt everything was 'fine' until they started corresponding. You say you work long hours, and she has changed her entire life: giving up her job to be alone with your son all day. A lot to adjust to, even if your partner isn't working until late every day. Yet I don't get the impression that you have much interest in that: you seem to be more interested in stoking up your rage with replaying in your mind how you have been wronged in the past, and how you may be wronged in the future.

  3. The 'stalkerish' way you have tried to control the situation and reign in your wife's behaviour seems to me very odd. The emphasis seems to be on using spying techniques to try to shut off avenues/shut the stable door after the horse has bolted- rather than making a heartfelt attempt to address what underlying issues might be at the heart of it. By denying her the autonomy to freely, as a mature adult, choose you and her marriage positively rather than being 'grounded' like an ungrateful teen seems to me likely to make her behave, well... like an ungrateful teen. Which she is doing, by your account.

  4. You have actually broken several laws: breaking into her email account and other similar activities you describe could get you sent to jail. You might wish to be more careful about these sorts of admissions on public forums, especially if you are potentially about to embark on an acrimonious divorce. (I ran this past a security analyst in my family, whose job it is to know the law on this subject.)

I apologise if this comes across harshly. I do sympathise, and I really do know how crazy it can make you when the love of your life seems to be slipping away from you just when you thought you had everything together. But trying to hold on with a vice-like grip is only going to crush it to bits anyway.

Honestly- there is life at the end of the tunnel. Take a deep breath and try to accept that this may be something you need to step back from. Good luck, for you and your son.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 24/06/2012 22:27

Here's the thing about a custody dispute.

Who prepares your son's meals, and supervises him while he eats them? Who plans his meals and goes to the shop to purchase the food for them? Who baths him? Who does bedtime? Who brings him to nursery, and picks him up? Who liaises with the nursery if there is a problem? Who pottytrained him? Who sits up with him in the night? Who buys his clothes? Who chooses his outfits and dresses him? Who knows his show size? Who does homework with him? Who brings him to extracurricular activities? Who takes time off work to stay home with him when he is sick? Who leaves work early for doctor appointments and check ups? Who has turned down promotions in order to avoid unexpected overtime and be at home at the same time every day?

Doing the above does not make you a better parent or a more loving one but it does make you the primary caregiver. In a custody dispute the court will try to preserve the status quo that existed when you were a couple. In most families, one parent makes career sacrifices and sacrifices earning potential to be the primary caregiver. The other parent might do half the above at the weekend and some of it during the week - bath and bedtime, for instance - but in MOST families, the bulk of weekday parenting - say 80% - is done by one parent. And court decisions reflect that, in that weekends are often split between parents with the non-resident parent getting one weekday also.

So the question is, how much of the above are you doing? Have you made the sacrifices at work? Are you taking the time off? Are you doing the grunt work of meal planning and clothes buying and shoe-size-remembering? Not just now and then but always?

If so, you have a good case to be the custodial parent and you should invest in a good solicitor to make that happen. Likewise if you and your ex-wife are one of the honestly pretty rare couples who have genuinely split the caregiving duties and sacrifices above 50-50 since day one, you will again have every chance of getting split-week 50-50 custody. Then you just need to decide if that is best for your son (most adults don't enjoy living in two places, but it can suit some people and some children very well).

Alternatively if you are very honest with yourself and find that maybe you haven't been doing 50% of the bumwiping and nursery organising, and that you don't want to make the work and salary sacrifices that being the main caregiver of a toddler demands, in all honesty it is possible to be a great, loving, fun, and influential father seeing your child one or two weekdays, every second weekend, and half of all holidays. To be honest, when they are at school and you are working full time, that is half of both of your free time together. Millions of families make it work.

And however great a dad you are now, you will be a million times better out of this poisonous relationship. It is awful for your little guy to be witnessing.

Lizzabadger · 24/06/2012 22:56

Excellent posts from worldofmeh and tonydanza.

kittybiscuits · 24/06/2012 23:30

Yes Lizzabadger! I agree! There are a lot of assumptions about what your wife is up to OP - has she stated she intends to continue this relationship? I hope it's okay to be straight with you - in a number of different ways you sound very controlling and parental. I also note that you told all friends and family about your wife's relationship. I wonder what you're motivation was? You sound so angry and resentful. Do you even like her? Or are you just affronted by the feeling of rejection? I am not defending your wife. It sounds like a horrible situation to be in. There are issues for you to consider yourself, about your own actions and behaviour, irrespective of what your wife decides to do. I hear you saying you are the innocent party. Your fear is not getting 'your share' of your DS. Is there more? Do you love and respect her, and desperately want to restore the relationship?

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