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Original poster

Dh behaving like he is single??

52 replies

Windandsand · 23/06/2012 20:41

Tonight we went to a barbecue and dh spent the entire evening chatting to his friend - didn't even see him as they sat in a private part of the garden- they are business associates. Dcs fell asleep and dh drive us home, then left me to put the dcs to bed whilst he sat on the loo. Then he said he was going out to watch the football with some mates and left. Is this normal? Feel very lonely and let down - I did say he was being unfair but he just said I was being a bitch and I knew he wanted to watch the football. Am I? He said I should be more supportive and I was trying to spoil his night.

I realise we argue all the time now, even the dcs under 5 tell us to stop. He says it's my fault and I need to be nicer. He is always at work, or out after work getting home after midnight and too tired to even take ds to football. We used to be happy but now I feel like we are on opposing teams. Am worried what will happen to us.

OP posts:
Abitwobblynow · 23/06/2012 20:43

Relate/counselling NOW.

My H did this.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 23/06/2012 20:45

He called you a bitch? Has this happened before?

He also blames you for your arguments. How much of his own behaviour is he willing to examine?

Speaking to someone in a secluded part of the garden tonight is NOT the issue here.

iknowwho · 23/06/2012 20:47

No it's not normal.

NimpyWindowMash · 23/06/2012 20:47

Did you know he was going out to watch the football? Seems unreasonable to complain if it was an already agreed plan.

However, if he is unable to accept any responsibility for arguments and says it's your fault, then that's worrying (and childish). Don't underestimate the stress on you as a couple of having young DCs. It is a tough time. Have you talked to him about things in general? Told him you feel lonely and let down? What would he say to that?

Original poster
Windandsand · 23/06/2012 20:56

What do I do? He said its my fault and I should organise a babysitter so I can go out with him but dcs wake up all the time and scream for me- haven't slept all night for 6 years. He says he lives me and we must both try harder but his actions don't fit his words. I don't want to sleep with him anymore either. he has never put the kids to bed as they just yell for me and he says it's pointless trying.

He used to be lovely and now he behaved like he doesn't really like me. He says he does then he behaves likd this. Even choosing s password makes him take an oportunity to put me down- he said " wow what a choice, never seen that before ". If he can't stand me why doesn't he say so ? I wish he would then we could move on.

He won't go to counselling. Says its a waste of money and we at perfectly happy. When I stay we are not, he says well I am, you just need to get some sleep.

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 23/06/2012 20:58

What should you do?

Go to counseling on your own.
And read the links at the start of the EA support thread.

Original poster
Windandsand · 23/06/2012 20:59

NImpy, had no idea re the football. Thought he was wanting to go as both dcs were asleep and it was time to go . I have told him how I feel and he says I must be more positive and it's hard for him too. I used to love him do much. Feel like am trying to carry water in my hands.

OP posts:
Abitwobblynow · 23/06/2012 21:03

He said its my fault and I should organise a babysitter so I can go out with him but dcs wake up all the time and scream for me

and so you should organise a babysitter. They might wake up and scream, but they won't die.

And you need to stop that. Controlled crying does work - watch supernanny.

He is resentful for a reason.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 23/06/2012 21:09

...or maybe he could organise a babysitter, wobbly? And certainly give advance notice of his plans.

Walking out to watch the football, without having mentioned that was his plan, and then saying she could come too but she hasn't organised baby-siting and it's her fault, is bullshit. Just completely shitty behaviour.

And OP, calling anyone a bitch is unacceptable.

Links

Original poster
Windandsand · 23/06/2012 21:22

He knows I wouldnt want to arrange a baby sitter to come late evening so I can sit in a pub as designated driver watching him get hammered. I would rather be at home.

It's not just tonight it seems all the time we argue and bicker. If we didn't have the dcs would leave at once. It's exhausting.

OP posts:
arthriticfingers · 23/06/2012 21:26

Please check out the links at the top of this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1488894-Support-thread-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-relationships-Number-9

Original poster
Windandsand · 23/06/2012 21:33

I don't have the balls to read them right now and act on it. I already feel i a bad place and don't want to make it worse. Can feel waves of self pity, which will drive him crazy as he says I have a wonderful life, I just have to realise he needs to go out and relax.

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 23/06/2012 21:55

Read them when you feel like it, act when you are able.

Abitwobblynow · 23/06/2012 22:18

OK Wind sorry I actually was assuming he wanted a night out w you! When am I going to get my head round that they are unreasonable twunts?

I agree, that isn't reasonable.

izzyizin · 23/06/2012 23:04

I just have to realise he needs to go out and relax We all need to have time to relax. When do you get to go out and relax leaving him in charge of the dcs?

madonnawhore · 24/06/2012 00:07

"I just have to realise he needs to go out and relax."

I read that as "I just need to find a way to minimise this and justify it to myself so I don't have to deal with the reality that my husband is a selfish cock."

LemonTurd · 24/06/2012 00:47

Hear, hear, madonnawhore.

OP, he's treating you like shit and certainly doesn't see you as an equal.

If you don't feel able to look at EA thread now, read it tomorrow. Please.

sternface · 24/06/2012 00:59

You say he keeps staying out late after work, spent all day in private chat with an 'associate', spent ages in the loo tonight (with his phone?) and set you up to fail tonight in the full knowledge that you wouldn't even consider getting a babysitter at such short notice, if at all. You say he used to be lovely and now acts as though he cannot stand you. He calls you names and blames you for pulling him up on his selfish attitude. You say he won't go to counselling.....

I'd say that all points to one thing. A selfish man who recently plumbed new depths of selfishness....and is having an affair.

The phone will have the evidence you need I expect.

tallwivglasses · 24/06/2012 01:17

You ask is this normal?

Yes it is - for a selfish, entitled competitor for Dick of the Year, which I think he could win hands down actually.

duchesse · 24/06/2012 01:30

Quite a few on here being entered into that competition this evening.

Whiteworm · 24/06/2012 02:52

Men are so selfish at times. My DP says I am a miserable cunt when I kick off when he comes home 2 hrs late from the pub. Seriously how do I get him to stop calling me that word?? They want it all their own way. Generally he is fab but when we have a row he is venomous and calling me a cunt I think is horrific. My friends are shocked when I say this as their dp/dh would never dare. He thinks his life is so dull as he doenst go out and get pissed with me or his friends as often as we used to. We have a 2yr old and I am more sensible now. Its like they dont want to grow up. OP I would be fucked right off too.

Original poster
Windandsand · 24/06/2012 03:08

He has some younger and single friends who he sees. I did wonder if he was having an affair but he tells me I am insane and he would never do that. I have said if he did prefer someone else he should say so so I can leave. He just says I am not right In the head and I am insulting him by suggesting it.

Madonna, that is what he says to me , about going out to relax. I think it's bullshit and tell him so.

He says he would love to go out with me but I won't get a baby sitter. I would but he works late every night - has for years- so he is not really free. He says he would make himself free. Trouble is, him taking me out would be like a free pass of coming home at 4 in the morning for ages. When he is nice, and we get on, it's just a matter of days before he rewards himself with a late night. The married friend he sometimes meets / his wife told me she wants a divorce due to the same behaviour.

He does this 3-4 times a week and is very grumpy at weekends.

I am going to check his phone, while I still know the code.

OP posts:
NannyPlumIsMyMum · 24/06/2012 03:18

Well done for deciding to check his phone.
That takes guts in itself.
I take it he's home then ...
Does he ever get up with the DC for you in a morning so you can rest?
You're clearly not getting much sleep OP, is that because you are upset/worried ? x
Sending hugs.

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 24/06/2012 03:23

He is emotionally abusive. He is putting you down to try and get you to the point where you believe him, that you ARE an 'insane bitch' etc etc. Don't let him. You are clearly a kind and gentle person. Hugs tight

Whiteworm · 24/06/2012 03:26

Men really fuck me off. There are so many threads like this. They want it all their own way. I have a friend who is a SAHM. Her DP makes her feel like shit when she asks for money and that the house isnt clean enough etc. she gets up with the kids, he barely changed a nappy. I earn as much as DP yet I do all housework am tired therefore frigid and boring. These are two men that are amazing and fantastic at times yet so shit and hard done by at others. OP's DP is taking the piss. WTF can't he see it? Seriously if the boot was on the other foot. I know some MNers will say why put up with this leave the bastard etc. but unless he is beating you up or having an affair is it ever as simple as that? Celebs who are financially stable can afford to split after 5 mins but in reality you have to work at a relationship for the sake oof splitting up a family. It isnt easy where to draw the line and say enough is enough.