he Just wont clean the house :... (

[fedupwithDP]

DP and I moved in to a house together 9 months ago, he puts put the bins and every now and then mows the lawn, I clean bathrooms, kitchen, hoover and mop every single room, polish wood, clean skirting boards, every time I have a day off.

When I ask him to hoover (which he has never done since we moved in) he says "it's my day off"

tonight when I said that I would pay for us to go to the cinema tomorrow night (he's broke) he said, why can't we go another night- the foot ball is on.

We rarely have sex, we argue nearly every time we're together.

Then when I said to him that, if we can't agree on household things now what will it be like if we have kids? He said it will be your baby but it's scary.

I am so angry with him that I even have to ask he should just do it Im not his mother.

He doesnt buy food for us but will happily eat everything that I buy and prepare- argggggh

Sorry for self indulgent angry post Im just so upset to realise that maybe we dont have the skills as a couple to go the distance

It isn't working out is it love?!

Ok so in your heart you know its over at some point, so its just 'when' rather than 'if'.

No point in using any of your time or energy trying to change him/things, it will just be exhausting for you and won't get you anywhere.

Start making your plans now for when the lease is up for renewal.

And then enjoy as much as you can now, ignoring the bad stuff because you know it'll be over soon.

Throw yourself into your work, and for god sake stop cleaning the skirting boards every day off....life is way too short and exciting for that shit!

I just like living in a pleasant environment but it's not fair if I am the only one contributing to this.
youre all right about leaving but I need time to think.
He slept in spare room last night because I was so angry I told him to leave me alone, normally I would go to him and apologise but I couldn't last night.
Im working all day today so that will give me some space.
Thank you for all your replies, I will ponder them over the weekend

This is not making you happy, cut your losses and move on.

Dp agrees, and he's normally exceptionally sceptical of posts on here!

PS yabu about the football however kick off's not til 7.45 so perfectly possible to do something first

OP, your life could be so much more enjoyable. I was once in a relationship I was determined to work at - it just meant I was miserable for another 4 years. It destroyed myself confidence and was a disaster financially (which affected me for a long time afterwards, and arguably still does).

You could leave. It might seem a bit daunting, you might feel a bit sad. But honestly, in time you'd feel relieved, happy and free.

Btw - I now have an amazing DH and wonderful DS. He cooks for me, he cleans, he does nice out of the blue thoughtful things. Today he'll take DS out for the day (without me asking) just because I've had a shitty week and am exhausted.

Please don't waste any more time on this one. You won't regret it I promise. He won't change.

I wanted to sympathise with your feelings that you have to make a go of it. When you've invested a lot of time in someone, are used to apologising when he's in the wrong, and your lives are knitted together with things like rental agreements, possessions & friendship circles it's difficult to contemplate unpicking it all and far easier to accept the status quo on the grounds of 'better the devil you know'

But this is one of those forks in the road that life chucks up occasionally. If you choose the easy route of hoping it gets better and drift into marriage or children with a man that already annoys the hell out of you, you may well look back with a lot of regrets. If you accept that it's dead and choose the more challenging path, you are more likely to look back and think 'lucky escape'.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Think about that carefully.

Re this comment too:-
"I feel so determined that we make a go of it letting go is going to take me a long time".
You cannot save a failing relationship on your own. The longer you stay within this the worse it will be for you. What is he doing re this relationship exactly?. He seems quite happy as he is and is therefore unwilling to change. He's not going to change.

What does this man bring to the table; not much at all by the sounds of it. He is an immature and lazy manchild.

OP, you are me just a few short months ago, except my exOH didn't even take the bins out because he was usually so stoned he didn't know what day they picked them up. I cleaned the house, sorted the washing, changed the beds (we'd still be in the same bedclothes as the day we moved in if he'd had anything to do with it), , sorted out his kids' room, bought all the food and generally made all the dinners. I would occasionally get a 'thank you' for this but an offer to help? Once in a blue moon and even then it was usually after I'd done the bulk of it. He was happy living in his own filth but I really wasn't.

We broke up because he was emotionally abusive (which was why I ended up doing all of this) but I haven't looked back. I am skint and struggling, but I am a hundred thousand times happier. It took me a few months to pluck up the courage to finish the relationship but I would rather be on my own than be with a selfish arsehole like that again.

I also was determined to save our relationship but if it's one-sided you're just going round in circles, you can never move forward.

This man isn't going to change because he believes that he doesn't have to do these things, you do as the woman. He might dress it up as a joke but you can see he actually believes it through his actions.

Best to get rid on him now.

Apologise to him for what?

Just wondering what term we should adopt for a cocklodger who isn't even doing the cock bit...

(Don't get the cleaning skirting boards bit, unless you're throwing drinks around the room on a regular basis how often do they get dirty? )

In my experience the emotional abuse is what a lot of women don't seem to get. I think they think abuse only happens if its physical. It can also be verbal and financial. Which boxes does he tick?

Move on because YOU are worth more. He will never respect you if you don't repect yourself.

Just to say very for your situation but you definitely must move on as if he's like this now it would be unbearably awful (and lonely) if you had children and no support and much much harder to leave then. If you go your own way now you have a chance to end up with someone who really wants to be with you and share a life with you, not treat you like this. Your story rings a lot of bells with me but I am much further down the line than you.

this is only going to get worse. his life is very very cushy at the moment.

you've gotta stop the crap you're doing - don't do his stuff anymore. don't pay for his movie tickets.

you don't want to be his mum?

stop acting like his mum, if you have any faith left in your relationship.

I completely agree with everyone else and if I could give one piece of advice to younger people, pre kids it would be:

Be VERY sure you can live with their worst habits for years to come. When kids are in the equation everything is a hundred times more pressured. Those bad habits will not get better, they will very probably get worse, and it will be intolerable.

OK, so as I see it, this is your choice, as I can't see that he's ever going to change:
You stay in the relationship and accept that you will do everything around the house whilst he does nothing, have less sex than you would like and support him financially. And also accept that this will get much worse if you have children with him.

Or you can cut your losses, undergo an amount of upheaval short-term, and find someone normal who pulls his weight.

Do you really need to ask?

"it's my day off" - not a phrase you can use once you have kids. There's never a day off or a lie in. He needs to grow up fast.

You could still have a relationship with him , but you could both have your own homes , then maybe you will see whether the relationship is worth it or not, good luck , I personally think your deserve SO much better and yea we can all be lulled into the thing that because we are friends it should work , not necessarily the case I am afraid.

Or you can stay with him and be his domestic appliance.

You can then get to bitch and moan to everyone about how he does nothing to help, takes you for granted, takes no responsibility for anything - even your future children.

You get to work yourself to the bone compensating for his lack of input while he will show you daily how little respect he has for you. Because let's face it, he has told and shown you already how little respect he has for you. That respect aint gonna increase, its downwards all the way.

And once you have the child that you will hope "changes" him, you can bring the poor soul into this mess too, so it gets to be brought up in a dysfunctional home. Result!

This is your future life. Enjoy.

It's so sad to realise that a relationship is going nowhere, I know it can be really hard to accept.

However I think you have to realise that you've given it a damn good try, 9 months is WELL long enough for him to have shown you he could pull his weight and he hasn't :(

I feel awful for you because it's so hard when you've invested a lot in a relationship, but I can see you don't want (or deserve!!) to be his skivvy forevermore.

Did you see the "normal relationships" thread a few weeks ago? Read through that - someone who ticks all the boxes is out there for you. If this one can't be bothered to make the effort then he does not deserve somebody as lovely, kind and thoughtful as you.

Take care x

Thank you everyone, I have got in after a horrible day at work, he was mowing the lawn, he tried to say hello but I can't face him so I just ignored him- he has now gone out for the night.
Im really gutted about all of this

When you do settle down with someone and have a family you will find out what hard work really is be very grateful that you dumped this lazy sod.

Your partner should love and respect you as the very basic minimum. This is the foundation on which to build a relationship. But he clearly does not respect you and therefore cannot love you. There is nothing there. The relationship is already over.

All you are left with is a lopsided arrangement where he does feck all and you run around after him. There is nothing there to 'fight' for. Whatever you might have had together, it's gone. He's not ready for an equal relationship, he just wants someone to look after him like his mum did.

You are worth so much more than that. You have a whole exciting future to look forward to. Yes, it's scary but it's full of possibilities.

I must come back and tell you what has happened after all your advice.

We got to breaking point last night and something became very clear to me, we have got into a horrible pattern of my being frustrated that he doesn't want to discuss things, which we don't agree on, because he is scared of confrontation.

What normally happens is, that I get furious because I feel unheard and cast aside. He will hide in the spare room for a couple of nights, hoping that I will forget about it.

Last night I insisted that we not go to sleep, whilst angry and told him that we need to communicate so that we can empathise with each others feelings.

I wouldn't leave the room, eventually we stopped shouting at each other (him saying hurtful things to me)

He said he didn't want to make friends because we would probably just argue again tomorrow and I said that if we both feel like we understand each other then there's no reason for the argument to come up again.

He apolagised (which he never normally does)

We calmed down and had a hug in bed and eventually had sex, I felt that we understood each other and felt closer than we have in a long time.

Sometimes having arguments can blow out the cob webs I feel happy now that we are starting to break our usual pattern.

Again thanks for all your advice

OK OP. Hope that this marks a turn for the better in your relationship...but you know that this has to be sustained long term for it to mean anything, right??

It will be hard to unlearn all the other ways of being together.

Good Luck and best wishes for the future