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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he Just wont clean the house :... (

86 replies

fedupwithDP · 22/06/2012 22:19

DP and I moved in to a house together 9 months ago, he puts put the bins and every now and then mows the lawn, I clean bathrooms, kitchen, hoover and mop every single room, polish wood, clean skirting boards, every time I have a day off.

When I ask him to hoover (which he has never done since we moved in) he says "it's my day off"

tonight when I said that I would pay for us to go to the cinema tomorrow night (he's broke) he said, why can't we go another night- the foot ball is on.

We rarely have sex, we argue nearly every time we're together.

Then when I said to him that, if we can't agree on household things now what will it be like if we have kids? He said it will be your baby but it's scary.

I am so angry with him that I even have to ask Sad Angry he should just do it Im not his mother.

He doesnt buy food for us but will happily eat everything that I buy and prepare- argggggh

Sorry for self indulgent angry post Im just so upset to realise that maybe we dont have the skills as a couple to go the distance Sad

OP posts:
TheSpokenNerd · 22/06/2012 22:51

Could you get a flatmate in? Maybe get him out and ask someone to share?

Viviennemary · 22/06/2012 22:52

I'm all for trying to work things out. But this doesn't sound very promising. You're obviously not happy with the way things are at the moment. Ask yourself if there is any realistic chance of things changing, if the answer is no then it's time to start making plans for the future that might not include him as your partner.

kittybiscuits · 22/06/2012 22:53

You deserve so much more OP. Investing time and energy in a relationship where one person is a passenger is soul-destroying. I took on what you are contemplating. He didn't start to do a stroke of housework until I had my second DC. When he did start, he said I was crazy because he had always done a lot of housework. You will grow to resent and then hate him. Spare yourself the hassle. Find someone kind, loving and committed to have a family with.

Original poster
fedupwithDP · 22/06/2012 22:54

Ive always just thought that breaking up is not an option and that we can get through anything but it's all come to such shit.
Such a tangled mess Sad

OP posts:
NorksAreMessy · 22/06/2012 22:55

Ahem. May I be the first to say

Leave the bastard!

Original poster
fedupwithDP · 22/06/2012 22:56

thanks norks

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 22/06/2012 22:58

Get a lodger and a vibrator- you'll still be happier than with him

BecauseItsBedtime · 22/06/2012 22:58

Maybe just re-read your own original post and look at your own user-name - you have answered yourself. Not such a tangled mess as you don't yet have children together, which makes a split less complex by far than it might be in 5 years...

My husband doesn't clean either - the alternative to that one is get a cleaner (and if you don't have a joint account pay half each towards that) and a dishwasher... send laundry out... but for that he needs to earn to pay his half.

Your issues are deeper than just who does the house work by the sound of your posts.

foolonthehill · 22/06/2012 22:59

there are other nice houses, there are other nice areas...believe me these things won't make up for living with a selfish man who thinks that running the house, cleaning, providing the money and massaging his ego are what "his" woman is for. If he is like this now despite your efforts there is NO hope he will improve.

You are not his mother, you are not stuck with him.......be happy on your own and treat this as a lesson well learned. Next time you will make sure your DP is a person who respects and loves you for yourself alone, and pulls his weight in the relationship and around the house.;

ArtVandelay · 22/06/2012 23:00

OP I'm not being rude but how old are you? Is this your first live in relationship? There is no law that says it has to work. You get a choice!

RandomNumbers · 22/06/2012 23:00

please darling make plans, don't tie yourself to him by having a baby, we can signpost places to get advice/do research

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 22/06/2012 23:06

Run run run!!!!!!!!! He's a twunt. Go, or get him gone. Seriously.

SoleSource · 22/06/2012 23:06
BestestBrownies · 22/06/2012 23:07

Watching/reading with interest OP. My DH is the same :(

SoleSource · 22/06/2012 23:07

some of us learn the hard way, eh, OP? life will be hard for you x 100 as time goes on

Almostfifty · 22/06/2012 23:14

If you feel like this after nine months, how will you feel after nine years?

Leave him.

chipmonkey · 22/06/2012 23:21

Why on earth is a relationship failing not an option? And to be perfectly honest, if it's anything to do with someone not working on a relationship, it's not you who's not working at it, is it?

fedup, NOBODY is perfect. Nobody. Not you, not me, not Katie Middleton. And not being perfect does not mean that you deserve the crock of shit of a life you'll have with that cocklodger.

DrDolittle · 23/06/2012 00:36

Shocked you are living with someone but you each "own" the food you buy. It's food.... Not diamonds. I shared finances with DP right from when we moved in together.

This relationship isn't going to work. Too many differences, not enough willingness to be kind to each other for the sake of being kind. Don't have kids...

PorkyandBess · 23/06/2012 00:50

Don't settle for this - it is rubbish.

Imagine a few years of it, with a couple of kids learning from his example.

Get out now, while it's uncomplicated.

StuntGirl · 23/06/2012 01:06

A failed relationship is always better than a miserable one. Besides, you haven't failed anything, he has.

I agree with the others that if he's like this now he'll get worse, not better.

izzyizin · 23/06/2012 01:27

You're determined to make a go of it?

Make a go of what precisely? A dog's bollocks of a relationship that will go from bad to worse if you are deluded enough to think that having dc with this cocklodging manchild will change him?

Wise up, honey. A relationship that doesn't enhance your life and empower you to become all you can be isn't worth having.

izzyizin · 23/06/2012 01:30

Btw, chill on the chores, leave him to fester slob in front of the tv while you go to the cinema and have a drink after in your local, and adopt a policy of 'if you don't buy, you don't get to eat'.

tallwivglasses · 23/06/2012 03:20

We get it into our head that this is the man we're going to grow old with. Safe and lovely. Then that gets overturned.

Humans are very good at adapting. We can change, grow, have friendships and great experiences that would never have happened if we'd buckled down and been just the goodly wife.

Oooh, ooh fedup, just think what you could do! Where you could go, what you could be!!

tallwivglasses · 23/06/2012 03:24

You've hinted things are more complex though. Care to talk?

SoSad007 · 23/06/2012 05:00

Fedup, you wrote:

"maybe we dont have the skills as a couple to go the distance."

I don't believe this is quite true. You have the skills to be part of an adult, loving couple. You cook, you clean, you grocery shop, and you do these on a regular basis. I believe the words you are looking for are:

"maybe he doesn't have the skills he needs to go the distance as a couple."

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