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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Toxic mother with addiction issues

59 replies

CompletelyAtALoss · 21/06/2012 19:47

Changed my name for this. I'm at a loss...

My mum was a functional alcoholic throughout my childhood...well she didn't drink during the day, but evenings were hell.

We have always argued and I have always borne the brunt of her manipulation and temper because I have never accepted her drinking. My brother and dad tend to bury their heads in the sand and get on with it.

Anyway, a year ago she stopped drinking due to a health scare and since then we have got on better and she helps with my toddler.

The last couple of months she has been taking painkillers to the point where she is behaving similar to when she was drunk. She thinks only my dad notices and is aware of it. He has told myself and brother not to mention it to her and he will deal with it.

This was working kind of, until today when I just snapped (no swearing or shouting) because she insists on undermining me in front of my ds when she is on this stuff.

She is very sensitive and can't handle any criticism, so she is refusing to see him now, which is a problem as we live next door to each other and she sees him every morning.

Anyway, to make matters worse, my dad is siding with her and shouting that I am unreasonable and need to watch how I say things. Basically, its easier for him to have a go at me than acknowledge the problem.

He admits there is a problem but said I should have confronted her about the drugs rather than lost patience about her undermining me. However, we have family staying and I don't want to embarrass her.

So...it feels like I am back under her control as I was always as a child...the situation makes me feel like a piece of shit...I hate the confrontation with my parents, its awful. They are both ignoring me and if I try to approach them, it will not be pretty. I don't have the energy.

Sorry this is so long...I just had to get it out as I can only talk to my brother and partner and they are not around tonight.

OP posts:
CompletelyAtALoss · 21/06/2012 20:25

Anyone been through anything similar? I feel like an idiot for having rocked the boat and caused upset...

OP posts:
amillionyears · 21/06/2012 20:25

If they are both ignoring you,can you also ignore them for a few days.this will give everyone a chance to calm down,and you some peace and rest.

CompletelyAtALoss · 21/06/2012 20:26

Thanks amillion, so you think I should just let it blow over and try to keep my mouth shut in future?

OP posts:
amillionyears · 21/06/2012 20:28

Yes to the letting it blow over,and I would ignore them at least as long as they ignore you.

CompletelyAtALoss · 21/06/2012 20:28

What about her addiction, do I just let her get on with it? She's late 60's. I don't like her being off her face around ds or me for that matter.

OP posts:
Ittybittysmum · 21/06/2012 20:30

I haven't been through this sort of situation but I have parents who have addiction issues and who can be terribly manipulative. I can't offer any practical advice, just want to say you're not alone and calling her on her behavior was brave. Good on you.

amillionyears · 21/06/2012 20:31

Forgive me if I am being naive.I dont know about this subject.
Are they prescribed painkillers?
And what medical condition is she taking them for?

CompletelyAtALoss · 21/06/2012 20:33

Itty, it never gets me anywhere... I get villified, it stresses me out, then we all return to 'normal' because none of us can take any more confrontation. She's going to make herself unwell, I'm sure painkillers are worse on your body than alcohol.

OP posts:
Sposh · 21/06/2012 20:33

Have you ever thought about going to Al Anon? It's for family and friends of alcoholics, but also covers a range of other addictions non-judgmentally.

You didn't cause her addiction and you can't cure it but al anon could help you find a way to deal with it without guilt or remorse.

CompletelyAtALoss · 21/06/2012 20:34

You can buy them over the counter, she's was a nurse so knows her stuff. She used to take them to combat hangovers but now just to feel good I expect... She likes feeling out of it.

OP posts:
CompletelyAtALoss · 21/06/2012 20:35

My partner has suggested al anon. Problem is I buy my head in the sand too and only want to discuss it when it gets too much, otherwise I want to ignore it.

OP posts:
CompletelyAtALoss · 21/06/2012 20:37

Do you think I handle it badly? I always question myself when I confront her...

OP posts:
amillionyears · 21/06/2012 20:37

She sounds like she is very unhappy.Has she had any sort of therapy over the years?

CompletelyAtALoss · 21/06/2012 20:38

She has massive anxiety issues and I think the drugs make her feel now confident and calmer...

OP posts:
Ittybittysmum · 21/06/2012 20:38

It may not change their behavior but at least it reminds you that it's not normal or acceptable.
In my case, not speaking up about the addiction and the bad behavior in my family feels like enabling, so I feel the guilt of that, along with the shame of being manipulated. It's no good. Just because they want you to normalize doesn't mean you have to.
It must be very difficult living so close to them.

amillionyears · 21/06/2012 20:39

I dont think you can be blamed for ignoring it.Very understandable thing to do.And in some ways,it must also be harder for you living next door to her.
al anon sounds like a good idea,again dont know anything about it personally.

CompletelyAtALoss · 21/06/2012 20:40

No, she has had things in her past I make her unhappy, from an early age but has never faced them... It's highly unlikely she will start now, I'm denial. Doesn't want to see all the things that have made her unhappy and all te things she has done that has made other unhappy, would be overwhelmed wih guilt. It's a coping mechanism i guess.

OP posts:
Ittybittysmum · 21/06/2012 20:40

Have to run, OP, but am wishing you good luck!

CompletelyAtALoss · 21/06/2012 20:41

Yes, I hate enabling her, always have, but everyone else enables her, so me not doing it has no impact. My dad is getting on and I want to be close to help to help him with stuff.

OP posts:
CompletelyAtALoss · 21/06/2012 20:42

Thanks itty.

OP posts:
CompletelyAtALoss · 21/06/2012 20:43

Maybe you're right, I should just get on with it. Really don't like it around my ds through, but it's probably a losing battle.

OP posts:
CompletelyAtALoss · 21/06/2012 20:45

I know it's complicated and there are no easy answers, but thanks for replying.

OP posts:
Ittybittysmum · 21/06/2012 20:46

Just one quick thought: what about therapy for you? Maybe the therapist can give you strategies for managing their behavior?
(am really going now!)

amillionyears · 21/06/2012 20:50

It is sad for everyone concerned.al anon sounds like they might help you.You could try 1 meeting and see how you get on.If it is not your cup of tea,you wouldnt have to go again.Would your partner,or brother or dad go with you?Al anon may have some ideas,or at least make you feel a little bit better.

Sposh · 21/06/2012 20:51

She probably has anxiety issues because of the tablets (and the drink in the past) rather than the other way around.

You say you bury your head in the sand but you're not burying your head tonight, you're worrying about it. The worries are inside your head (I don't mean they're imaginary) so it doesn't really matter where you put your head they're still going to be there so does putting your head in a different place sound appealing?