Toxic mother with addiction issues

[CompletelyAtALoss]

Changed my name for this. I'm at a loss...

My mum was a functional alcoholic throughout my childhood...well she didn't drink during the day, but evenings were hell.

We have always argued and I have always borne the brunt of her manipulation and temper because I have never accepted her drinking. My brother and dad tend to bury their heads in the sand and get on with it.

Anyway, a year ago she stopped drinking due to a health scare and since then we have got on better and she helps with my toddler.

The last couple of months she has been taking painkillers to the point where she is behaving similar to when she was drunk. She thinks only my dad notices and is aware of it. He has told myself and brother not to mention it to her and he will deal with it.

This was working kind of, until today when I just snapped (no swearing or shouting) because she insists on undermining me in front of my ds when she is on this stuff.

She is very sensitive and can't handle any criticism, so she is refusing to see him now, which is a problem as we live next door to each other and she sees him every morning.

Anyway, to make matters worse, my dad is siding with her and shouting that I am unreasonable and need to watch how I say things. Basically, its easier for him to have a go at me than acknowledge the problem.

He admits there is a problem but said I should have confronted her about the drugs rather than lost patience about her undermining me. However, we have family staying and I don't want to embarrass her.

So...it feels like I am back under her control as I was always as a child...the situation makes me feel like a piece of shit...I hate the confrontation with my parents, its awful. They are both ignoring me and if I try to approach them, it will not be pretty. I don't have the energy.

Sorry this is so long...I just had to get it out as I can only talk to my brother and partner and they are not around tonight.

Good luck.....come back and tell us how the AlAnon meeting goes

Cross posting there a bit!

Your father shouldn't become anxious because you've sought your own help beyond an initial knee jerk reaction (in my experience). If anything the change in your attitude from finding non-judgemental support will help him too.

Al Anon is not the only place you can find help but it is a place that I know of where family members of alcoholics/addicts can find peace and understanding whilst working through their difficulties with people who have been exactly where you are now.

Al Anon don't advocate that you stick with the person with the addiction (as far as I know, I am an AA attender, I've never been to al anon but have heard members talking at meetings). They can give you tools to deal with all the issues surrounding the addictions but I think that rather than persuade you to stay around the alcoholic they will support you whilst you disengage if that's what you want.

AA and Al Anon work on the basis of attraction and not promotion, so please don't think that I'm in any way hoping that you'll go to a meeting based on what I've said because it's entirely down to you, I'm just giving you some info in case it's of help either now or sometime in the future.

LaReven, I see your point based in my OP. However, my dad has never let me down in any other way and he is a much a victim if this situation as we all are. Yes, I wish he could deal with it differently but we are all only human and hmm mother has manipulated him to think its it's fault. It's complicated, so I don agree my dad doesn't love me, but I agree he is not able to deal win the situation. As, clearly neither am I or my brother. Being in it is very different to being a bystander.

Sorry for typos... On phone.

Thank you so much sposh :)

At least I have my brother and partner :)

Joining late, have just read thru all and feel very sad that you're in this situation OP, it seems a dreadful way for your mother to behave, but I guess she's out of control. It is ironic that the person who most wants to help her, ie. you, is getting all the flak. I think disengaging is good advice. I understand why you feel pressured to play the part your Dad wants you to but agree that for your DS going forward to you need to reestablish the relationship with your Mum to protect your DS or he will be drawn into the manipulation.
I don't think there's a magic solution... is your mother ever coherent enough that you can get her to understand the hurt she's causing to you, and your Dad?

She is but finding an opportunity is hard right now. Either ds is around or other family. I do need to talk to her but like I said earlier it will cause shit. I will try though, even though I have tried millions of times before. At the end of the day she's selfish and will only do it for her health probably. I don't like my mum really, well not very often.