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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Toxic mother with addiction issues

59 replies

CompletelyAtALoss · 21/06/2012 19:47

Changed my name for this. I'm at a loss...

My mum was a functional alcoholic throughout my childhood...well she didn't drink during the day, but evenings were hell.

We have always argued and I have always borne the brunt of her manipulation and temper because I have never accepted her drinking. My brother and dad tend to bury their heads in the sand and get on with it.

Anyway, a year ago she stopped drinking due to a health scare and since then we have got on better and she helps with my toddler.

The last couple of months she has been taking painkillers to the point where she is behaving similar to when she was drunk. She thinks only my dad notices and is aware of it. He has told myself and brother not to mention it to her and he will deal with it.

This was working kind of, until today when I just snapped (no swearing or shouting) because she insists on undermining me in front of my ds when she is on this stuff.

She is very sensitive and can't handle any criticism, so she is refusing to see him now, which is a problem as we live next door to each other and she sees him every morning.

Anyway, to make matters worse, my dad is siding with her and shouting that I am unreasonable and need to watch how I say things. Basically, its easier for him to have a go at me than acknowledge the problem.

He admits there is a problem but said I should have confronted her about the drugs rather than lost patience about her undermining me. However, we have family staying and I don't want to embarrass her.

So...it feels like I am back under her control as I was always as a child...the situation makes me feel like a piece of shit...I hate the confrontation with my parents, its awful. They are both ignoring me and if I try to approach them, it will not be pretty. I don't have the energy.

Sorry this is so long...I just had to get it out as I can only talk to my brother and partner and they are not around tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
CompletelyAtALoss · 21/06/2012 20:51

I think you're right, I should try it. What I'm doing now isn't working.

OP posts:
Original poster
CompletelyAtALoss · 21/06/2012 20:52

How do you sposh? Like dealing with how I cope with the situation rather than changing the situation?

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Original poster
CompletelyAtALoss · 21/06/2012 20:58

My partners mum was an alcholic too, stopped now. He thinks I should be more detached. Hard though as its not my mum who I am attached to. It's my dad and he always sides with her. He feels guilty that she does it and I add to that when I confront her, so indirectly I'm confronting him too I guess. My dad brought me up pretty much alone and I love him dearly.

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Original poster
CompletelyAtALoss · 21/06/2012 21:15

I've done it... I've called al anon. There's a meeting on Monday. I'm going to go if I can keep my resolve long enough.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 21/06/2012 21:23

Well done! Smile

Original poster
CompletelyAtALoss · 21/06/2012 21:27

The lady was really nice, she's given me a local number to call, might try it now while I'm in the frame of mind.

OP posts:
porridgelover · 21/06/2012 21:28

OP it sounds like your family is following the fairly typical 'dysfunctional' script. One abusive parent (can be addicted to whatever and it sounds like your mum has 'replaced' the alcohol with drugs without facing the underlying issues). One bystander/enabler parent who sides with the abusive parent against the child/ren.
Often there is one child who is the 'scapegoat' i.e. the family's problem child but who is actually the healthiest one who bucks against the prevailing lies inside the family unit.
I found this in the local library and it is a great help. Best of luck.

Original poster
CompletelyAtALoss · 21/06/2012 21:34

Porridge, that's exactly it. Your link didn't work for me, please can you let me know the name.

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Original poster
CompletelyAtALoss · 21/06/2012 21:41

Found it on amazon kindle, thank you!

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porridgelover · 21/06/2012 21:52

Its called co-dependent no more - sorry, I dont know why link didnt work.
I found it very useful but challenging also; as a child from a dysfunctional family, we make choices about how to behave in order to survive- but these choices are not healthy in adulthood. So personally I am having to change how I relate to all my family. Not easy and they done like it eitherGrin
Good luck

DistanceCall · 21/06/2012 21:56

I wouldn't tolerate someone with drug problems being around my child, tbh.

Original poster
CompletelyAtALoss · 21/06/2012 22:03

Porridge, I guess I'm scared that if I deal with it (I usually deal with stuff head on), it will make my family uncomfortable and cause more issues. I can't remove myself from my family unit, my dad will be heartbroken. I guess it's something I will have to woek with as I go along.

OP posts:
Snorbs · 21/06/2012 22:17

I'm really sorry that your mother has swapped one addiction for another. And it's downright unfair that your father is shouting at you for how you choose to deal with her.

It's not up to you to confront her about her drug usage. Deep down she knows she's got a problem but is unwilling to face up to it. She isn't going to listen to you. She doesn't want to talk about it. She doesn't want to stop taking the tablets. After all, she didn't listen to you about her drinking, did she? Her addictions are her business.

Your father has had decades of trying to manage this problem and has ended up in a dance of relationship dysfunction with her. His relationship with her is his business.

What is your business is how much you choose to expose both yourself and your DS to her when she's drugged up. My instant thought on that would be "as little as humanly possible". Drug addicts are rarely fantastic people to be around when they're off their face. If she's drugged up when you go to her house just scoop up DS, say that you think it's time you were going and leave. If she turns up at your house, quietly say that you don't wish to see her like that and ask her to leave. Don't defend your decision, don't argue the point, don't try to explain what exactly it is about her behaviour that you find objectionable. "It's time we were going, I'll speak to you later" is all you need to say.

Given that you've had this behaviour in your life for so very long, have you considered counselling yourself?

porridgelover · 21/06/2012 22:24

Unfortunately I think no matter what you do, if you decide to make changes, it will leave other family members feeling uncomfortable. To avoid that, they will often escalate their behaviours to ''keep you in line''.
As snorbs says, have you thought about counselling? I found it helpful to realise that I could only change what was my responsibility and that there was/is nothing I can do about my family members.
You dont need to (and its probably not advisable) make any dramatic changes....just gradually increase the space between you (difficult if you live next door). Dont be available at the normal times, dont drop in when you might have done so. Dont comment on their remarks. Any attempts to wind you up, you can meet with 'thats very interesting, I see what you are saying' etc etc. Protect yourself and your DC at all times

Original poster
CompletelyAtALoss · 21/06/2012 22:29

Thank you snorbs and porridge. I hear the points about only tackling what I can control. Every evening they come over to see ds and say goodnight. My dad takes great pleasure in this. If I kick her out when she is under the influence, there will be week long repercussions. It will be extremely painful to everyone concerned if I am consistent. My da is worried about dying and how my mother will cope without him, especially if I am not on her side. I don't want to make his last years miserable and full of anxiety...

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Original poster
CompletelyAtALoss · 21/06/2012 22:30

That's why I'm not sure al anon will help. I can't destroy the happiness he gets from his family being together and happy.

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porridgelover · 21/06/2012 22:35

Hmmmm......what about you??? And what about your children's happiness? And his family is together but not necessarily happy from what you say?

Original poster
CompletelyAtALoss · 21/06/2012 22:45

We are happy, when I ignore it. Ds is only a toddler so not impacted as yet. I have up wih worse from her. Maybe a another 5-10 years will make it worthwhile if my dad is happy.

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Original poster
CompletelyAtALoss · 21/06/2012 22:46

He's late 70's...

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Snorbs · 21/06/2012 22:46

Do you really think your father is happy? More to the point, are you happy? I'd bet your mother isn't happy either. So who gains from everyone trying so hard to maintain this desperately unhappy status quo?

There is a horribly trite but nonetheless absolutely true saying that you are likely to hear when you go to Al-Anon: "Nothing changes if nothing changes".

You are perfectly within your rights to carry on as you have always done with your mother's addictions being the elephant in the front room that everyone can see and that constantly gets in the way but nobody ever talks about. And if you carry on doing that then everyone else will likely carry on in their own roles as that's what they've always done.

Meanwhile your mother spends some/most/all of her time out of her skull and nobody calls her on the way she treats other people and everyone gets ulcers from the stress. Nothing will change.

Or, you decide to take a different tack. You don't engage in blazing rows about her drug use - her addiction is her business - but you do decide to set some boundaries over what behaviours you will allow yourself and your child to be exposed to. Don't make this a personal thing; it's not "I won't let my child be exposed to my mother if I believe she's under the influence of drugs", but rather "I won't let my child be exposed to anyone if I believe they are under the influence."

What's the worst that can happen if you try it? Can it be worse than where you find yourself today, with your father angry at you and your mother regularly drugging herself insensible?

Sposh · 21/06/2012 22:49

It's not really about your resolve, the problem isn't yours to solve. Al Anon is just one way of putting your head in a different place.

If I can walk into an AA meeting full of shame and guilt because the problem was mine then you can walk into an Al Anon meeting. You'll find nothing but support and understanding there. Just go with an open mind and hope to hear the things you have in common.

Best of luck Smile

Original poster
CompletelyAtALoss · 21/06/2012 22:50

I'll try it, I'm going to go to al anon meeting. The thing is... We ate happy when we are all in denial together. It's only when one of us, mainly me brings it up that issues arise. I wish I could say I only bring it up to protect my ds but truth is I hate my mother when she's under the influence and I can't help but make it known :(

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Original poster
CompletelyAtALoss · 21/06/2012 22:54

Anyway, thank you for taking time to respond to me. I feel better :)

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Original poster
CompletelyAtALoss · 21/06/2012 22:57

Thank you so much for all your posts, they've really struck home with me an I appreciate it, feel much stronger :)

OP posts:
LaRevenanteSecrete · 21/06/2012 23:01

"I can't remove myself from my family unit, my dad will be heartbroken"

What about your DS? What if it breaks his heart to have his grandma/nan blowing hot and cold on him, using her relationship with him as a way to control you? Building him up, then emotionally abandoning him? Does he deserve to be treated that way? Who's going to protect him if you don't?

That has to be your priority afaic. That, and moving house. It is not going to do you any good at all to keep living so close to these people. They do not have your best interests at heart, and I don't think even your DF really loves you, not the way you love him. He has scapegoated you for his DW's crap, he has blamed you for her faliings as a mother - and that is not the act of a loving, protective father.

Sorry, I know that probably sounds rather brutal, but it pains me to see how protective you are of him, when he has failed so singluarly to be protective of you in this respect, and he is the one who had the duty to protect you after all, not the other way around.

Definitely think about counselling or therapy if you can. You and your DS deserve so much better than this.