Mis-matched Sex drives - is there an answer?

[Rachog]

When Dp and I got together we were having sex at least twice a day, as the honeymoon period wore off this went to maybe 5 times a week.

I personally would like to have sex every day but over the last few months dp is only interested maybe once a week.

Now I don't think that ANYONE should EVER have sex that they don't want, therefore I never iniate sex as I don't want to pressure him into something he is not happy with so the once a week/fortnight is always iniated by dp.

he is clearly happy with our sex life as he is getting it whenever he wants it, he does know that I would like more but I try not to go on about it again to avoid putting pressure on, there is nothing that kills passion more than pressure after all.

I would never cheat so sex outside of the relationship is not an option.

Going solo is not the same, for me its more about the intamicy of doing it together that I crave noty the end result.

So basically as the pne with the higher sex drive is the only answer to just get it when given and deal with it? I guess it is as I wouldn't want dp to feel like he had to do it to please me. It just feels a little unfair but not that he is being unfair if that makes sense.

Has anyone else dealt with a mis matched sex drive?

'Wait until I'm asked' is a bad strategy because it means you never get to initiate and puts a different kind of pressure on the one with the lower sex-drive to call all the shots. So I think you back off talking/thinking about sex per se and focus more on 'intimacy'. Reassure your partner that you're not going assume every kiss and cuddle is going to lead to full intercourse but that you're quite happy just being close. Once the person with the lower sex drive feels comfortable that they are a) not being pressed for sex, b) not having to initiate sex and c) can fully enjoy intimacy without worrying that sex has to be the outcome, then it can work.

Thanks Cogito, I never actually thought that by backing off it would add more pressure, that is certainly a new angle to think about.

I've been the one with the 'lower sex-drive' in the past. ExH (you can see it ended well) promised not to initiate sex and wait for me to suggest it instead. This would be OK for a few days but then he would get annoyed that I hadn't suggested it and we were back to square one. I never managed to get him to understand why intimacy was important. I'm sure you're more clued up.

How long have you been together now? I'm asking because if your relationship is still fairly new you could find that the frequency diminishes even more as you become more established as a couple.
When I married my ex, we were having sex with a frequency that I was very happy with. About 6 months after the wedding it dropped off to 3 or 4 times a week. After we'd been married for about a year it was more like once or twice a month and it just got less and less. My husband said he was happy with the frequency and couldn't see why I had a problem, insisting that sex wasn't 'everything'. Well no, it wasn't, but like you I craved the intimacy of being together more than the sex itself. Going solo was completely different to me.

I like the advice given by Cognito. I got so fed up being rejected that I stopped trying to initiate, but I probably didn't approach correctly. If I'd had similar advice, things could have been different.

I see cognito, its a minefield and I don't want to pressurise but then I see what you mean about there then being pressure for the other.person to initiate.

Smallcardi, its hard isn't it. I end up feeling like I personally am rejected. I am 8 months pregnant too so my confidence is leaking away. We have been together almost 2 years so hoping that it won't diminish anymore.

I could have written your post. Sometimes we will manage twice a week but it's usually once. Sometimes less. I liken it to someone whose dream is to travel the world with their partner, explore new cultures and countries and enjoy every aspect of the journey being married to a guy who occasionally likes a walk round the garden. Eventually you feel like you're imprisoned.

I see sex as an immensely enjoyable and vital part of life and could easily make it one of the main focuses of my daily life after work and kids. I would have sex at least once a day if not more. I crave the intimacy and would LOVE nothing more than to spend every day thinking of new and exciting sexual escapades to share with my husband.

He prefers to watch tv or sleep.

I won't cheat and don't want anyone else. But I feel like I'm being denied something which is vital to my happiness. But at the end of the day he is a great husband in almost every other way (when he takes his medication!). But it does mean I am never truly happy in my marriage.

Needsomeperspective, I couldn't have put it better myself. It's not a deal breaker but certainly gets frustrating. I love dp and am mostly happy it just seems such a compromise and I do feel resentful at times that its all his way. But then the alternative of him having sex that he doesn't want would be worse.

So glad i(m not alone feeling like this.

Ooooh the hoary old chestnut rears its head again!

I have had this problem for a few years with DW and have posted many times on here about it.

Dw isnt interested in sex! if I am lucky its once a month and then often only because DW feels she should and not because she wants to which makes it rather crap.

We had an almighty 'discussion' about it and eventually we went to counselling. That was a bad idea. I think we got a shite counsellor so that was no help.

We are stil talking about it and DW is happier about the situation but I cant say that I am but as there is F all I can do about it I have to live with it which I'm afraid you might have to.

Try explaining how you feel to him. See if there is an underlying problem.

Fingers crossed, hope things work out for you. Dont give up just yet.

No you're not alone. H knows how I feel and he will "make an effort" to ensure we have sex at least once a week usually so I don't get too narkey. But I just don't want someone to have to "make the effort". I want someone who loves sex the way I do. But I'd never leave him because if this and I do appreciate that he tries to compromise.

The other aspect that I sometimes get angry about inside is I feel kind of as if I've been cheated because he married me under false pretences. I was so happy to have found someone who APPEARED to hav the same sex drive as me. And it turns out he doesn't. And now it's too late. This is it for the rest of my life. I will never have an intensely satisfying passionate fun vital sex life again. Ever. And I have to live with that and come to terms with it. But I'm 35 not 65.

Balottelli, do you find that as a man you get a hard time if you post about this? I know you shouldn't but men seem to be seen as sex pests if they are unhappy with their sex life.

Needsome, does your h's medication affect his sex drive? That's not an issue with us. I too feel a bit conned, I thought we were well matched at first and now it seems I can't do anything about it.

If anything he is better on his meds. If he is off them he is either too anxious angry or volatile for sex to be a viable option on anything like a regular basis.

Sounds like he is much better on them then.

Do you ever feel like its you? I get insecure about it because it was so often and now its not. I try making special effort but it doesn't help.

Yeah. I have put on a lot of weight with the babies. I wonder if it would change if I lost it. But I am putting off trying because if I did get thin again and he still wasn't interested my last hope would be dashed and also I think if I felt good about myself and looked attractive I'm afraid I might be tempted into an affair. I haven't explained why I'm not trying to shift the weight. I guess Id rather put up with the status quo and pretend things "will get better when I lose weight at some indeterminate point in my future" than live hopeless or cheat. Also when I feel great about myself my sex drive skyrockets massively. It's hard enough dealing with this now let alone if I felt sexy and confident.

Me and dh are the opposite. Dh would like regular sex and I'm not bothered. He no longer asks me as I'm guessing he doesn't want to pressurise me but then because I very rarely initiate it, that when I do want sex I feel me asking for it is such a big deal and I feel embarrassed asking so I would rather not mention it. So ina way him not asking me hasn't worked either. I miss the intimacy and hugging etc but I'm afraid that if I show any he thinks sex is on when all I want is a cuddle. To be honest as long as he wasn't askingme every week we would prob have sex more often if he did ask.
We now have sex once every few months. We have considered a counsellor but I feel embarrassed talking about sex and self conscious and he never booked anything so it's just been left.

I have to say that I got some amazing support form all the Mners on here. Our problem has been on going for 12 years and sometimes I get so frustrated that I just sit and cry for hours on end!

Unfortunately for us I dont think there will ever be a mutually agreeable solution. DW doesnt like sex, I do. Simple and yet so complicated. I cant and wont put pressure on her so I have to suffer as quietly and stoically as I can.

You need to talk to your dh and find out why he doesnt want sex.. It may be stress, medical, psychological problems most of which can be treated.

Good luck. I feel for you.

Mine just says "I just don't have as high a sex drive as you". It's that simple to him. No problems physically or mentally. Just not that driven. But if he had told me that from the outset I will admit now I would NOT have married him. And that's the sad truth.

Am in the same situation too. When DP & I met, just short of 10 years ago, we were at it like rabbits for the first year or so.

The minute I moved in, he kind of gave up & we were down to once a month within a year. Did all the usual stuff eg sexy undies, massage etc. Found I just humiliated myself I have been in tears over this & my self-esteem went down the toilet.

He says he's not happy with things, but does nothing to make things better. He can do it when he chooses, like when we're trying for a baby. So that doesn't make me feel great about myself.

Not really sure what the solution is. Am sure others would suggest counselling, but I'd dread hearing what he has to say eg doesn't fancy me any more.

This is where the cult of compulsory monogamy becomes so toxic. Because the logical solution to mismatched libido is for the higher-libido partner to seek NSA sex elsewhere from time to time with the low libido partner's permission, but the obsession with monogamy means that many nice, ethical people spend their lives in misery, either not getting anything like as much sex as they want, or feeling constantly guilty and under pressure because their partners are clearly discontented with the amount of sex taking place within the relationship.
Of course, there are some individuals who use sex as a weapon, either by refusing it as a way of punishing or manipulating a partner, or constantly asking for it in order to make the other partner anxious and distressed, but when it really is a matter of mismatched libidos being the only thing wrong in the relationship, it seems a great shame that people carry on making themselves and their partners miserably purely because of the cultural pressure to worship monogamy.

Sadly that your solution is not a panacea either. I don't want to have no strings attached sex with other people. I want a loving fulfilling MONOGAMOUS sexual relationship. As do most people in my shoes.

SGB doesn't understand that monogamy is not a choice for a lot of people, it's an inbuilt part of who they are. The vast majority of people in sexless relationships only want sex with their partner.
Nobody would tell a gay person to make the choice not to be gay, it's the same thing with monogamy.
A problem only occurs when people who aren't naturally monogamous ( but pretend to be ,for whatever reason) pair up with those who are, just like when a straight person enters into a relationship with a gay/bi person pretending to be straight.
Monogamy is not a problem for the truly monogamous, there is no "cult" of monogamy either , it's quite the opposite in the media - the pressure is to not care if your man is unfaithful, look at all the stupid "celebs" , Coleen et al, who stick with unfaithful tossers and take them back when they've been betrayed in the most awful ways - that gives out a terrible message to young women.

In my case we went from sex 2 times a day after a couple of years to once a term? There were lots of complicating issues (antidepressants making it more effort for him), but talking about the issue made no difference. Apparently he still fancied me rotten and told me often, but most advances were still flatly rejected. What made me so heartbroken was not my lack of empathy with him, but he was using a lot of porn most days and self-serving (so no libido problem).

I believe it was a form of controlling me, like SGB suggests above (combined with many other things). Unsurprisingly the marriage couldn't sustain this. I have to say genuinely I need sex in a marriage, I need the intimacy, I need to feel attracted to the other person, and once a week would have been wonderful compared to what I had. I think also, when he was in the mood every couple of months, it was expected that I performed too at a seconds notice, but I have to say it was crap... like having a quick fumble, no effort put in and I felt like an unpaid hooker! This was not the reason we separated, but it made it a lot easier for me to let go of him, at least I can keep dreaming of a loving, intimate relationship now.

Malificence I am 100% monogamous and have been throughout all my adult life, but I have to say if a man had actively pursued me during the last 2 years of my marriage, I would have jumped at the chance. I was so starved of love and affection, and my marriage was a prison.

I agree with SGB to the extent that for me 'compulsory monogamy' was the social pressure I felt to force my marriage to work, and that was not in my power. So I made myself a victim instead by putting myself through a sexless marriage for a few years. And damn it, I wish I had cheated; if you can cheat on a dead relationship?

When we first met my H told me all his previous partners had cheated on him and how horrendous that was and I felt such deep sympathy for him. Now I can understand why.

That sounds awful I know. And I DON'T think cheating is ever the answer and IS the cowards way out. But I can certainly understand why the temptation was there.

I agree there is a temptation to cheat but I only want sex with DP, I want the closeness and intimicay and enjoyment that we get together, not just the tension release at the end.

Does nobody think there's a fundamental issue with someone's self-esteem being so closely tied into how much sex (s)he's getting? OP you've said that you're down to once a week (which to me, is not a 'problem' sex life) but obviously you'd prefer a few times a day because you 'crave intimacy' or whatever.... fine but what would you do if you were single? Can't self-esteem be maintained by positive things other than sex 100 times a week? Is this not a form of addiction where you're forcing ownership of an issue that's essentially yours on to someone else? I'm not trying to give you a hard time here, just genuinely curious.

balotelli I don't think your case is comparable really, given that your wife basically wants no sex, therefore you're barely having any. It's a very different situation....