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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mis-matched Sex drives - is there an answer?

54 replies

Rachog · 21/06/2012 13:43

When Dp and I got together we were having sex at least twice a day, as the honeymoon period wore off this went to maybe 5 times a week.

I personally would like to have sex every day but over the last few months dp is only interested maybe once a week.

Now I don't think that ANYONE should EVER have sex that they don't want, therefore I never iniate sex as I don't want to pressure him into something he is not happy with so the once a week/fortnight is always iniated by dp.

he is clearly happy with our sex life as he is getting it whenever he wants it, he does know that I would like more but I try not to go on about it again to avoid putting pressure on, there is nothing that kills passion more than pressure after all.

I would never cheat so sex outside of the relationship is not an option.

Going solo is not the same, for me its more about the intamicy of doing it together that I crave noty the end result.

So basically as the pne with the higher sex drive is the only answer to just get it when given and deal with it? I guess it is as I wouldn't want dp to feel like he had to do it to please me. It just feels a little unfair but not that he is being unfair if that makes sense.

Has anyone else dealt with a mis matched sex drive?

OP posts:
Rachog · 22/06/2012 16:54

Helltotheno, my self esteem has taken a knock as DP at one point couln't keep his hands off me, now my body has changed during pregnancy and DP has lost interest. It is hard not to make a connection between the two, although he says there is none.

If I were single I would probably have a friend with benefits but my self esteem wouldn't be affect by being single, it is not the lack of sex that has knocked me, it is the change, if that makes sense?

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 22/06/2012 17:03

Yes but you're transferring your self-esteem issues into how frequently you have sex and that to me, means that you're fundamentally not secure in your relationship, which is a different issue and not about the sex.

There's no point in me telling you that you should be proud of that body, as should he, because that's the body that brought your precious children into the world. You can't control what he thinks or feels and the best thing you can be is yourself.

lotsofcheese · 22/06/2012 17:49

So who would be secure in a relationship where there was no sex & affection then?

Especially if you had a previously good sex life? Whose sexual confidence wouldn't go down the toilet?

carernotasaint · 22/06/2012 17:58

What lotsofcheese said.

needsomeperspective · 22/06/2012 17:58

Rubbish. Adults in loving relationships have sex because it cements the pair bonding between them. Ever noticed how if you've just had sex the little things are less irritating? But when you haven't you hug less touch less are less patient and feel less close. The minor irritants become grit in the smooth running of the relationship.

Human emotions are regulated by hormones. Sex releases hormones that mean you bond with your partner. Like breast feeding helps you bond with your baby. Its a basic biological fact.

Telling someone it's "their problem" that thy want sex "too much" is like telling someone it's their problem they want sex with women instead of men. Sex drive is not only either physical or psychological it is both and is extremely complex. Wanting more sex than your partner or brig unsatisfied by your self life in no way necessarily implies your self esteem is low or that you are addicted to being "wanted" or that you have some kind of "problem".

I don't feel unwanted actually. I know my husban love me enormously. And he doesn't have a low sex drive because e doesn't want me. It just the way he is. I do not want sex so I can feel "good enough" or need to be somehow validated by it. I want sex with my husband because I love sex and because it makes me feel close to him.

I have always had a high sex drive and when single I have focused just as much on solo satisfaction as I would like to focus on joint sexual activities when in a relationship. Ive spent a lot of high quality time with some interesting literature and my rabbit collection not gone out and been desperate to get shagged by anyone so I can feel desirable. But sex is much more fulfilling in every way with the person you love. The same as a great holiday is fine alone but wonderful when shared with your favorite friend.

Helltotheno · 22/06/2012 20:10

'Telling someone it's "their problem" that thy want sex "too much" is like telling someone it's their problem they want sex with women instead of men.'

It's not as simple as that though is it? They already have a sex life, it's just that because they had sex much more before, OP has now decided her DH has gone off her (not necessarily the case; things have probably just levelled off and he doesn't think sex once a week or thereabouts is an awful sex life). So yes in that sense, imo, it is her problem cos she's tying that in with how she feels about herself.

But sex is much more fulfilling in every way with the person you love.

Maybe for you. Everyone's wired differently in that regard. I have to say though... and been desperate to get shagged by anyone so I can feel desirable... really??

lotsofcheese we're not talking about a relationship here where there's no affection or sex, has that not been clear from previous posts?

Spiritedwolf · 22/06/2012 20:23

I don't think there is a universal solution to this but here's what happened with us.

There is an age difference between us which may have had an effect and we were unsuccessfully trying to concieve which probably put pressure on our sex life. But I think the main problem was mental and emotional.

We both suffered from depression which had opposite effects on our sex drive. He didn't feel good enough to have sex, he just wasn't in the mood. I craved the reassurance that he loved me and found me attractive, plus sex is fun and made me feel better! I felt rejected and awful that he didn't seem to want me as much as I wanted him - especially since the media image of men is of them always being the ones with the higher sex drives, and in the odd case when they are not, the woman is portrayed as being unattractive or unreasonable.

Last year, instead of focussing on the actual baby making, I decided to focus on getting healthy as possible in myself so that I'd be ready for a pregnancy whether that came naturally or with assistance (we'd been TTC for 5 years and I had an irregular cycle). For me that meant losing weight. I think it was the laser focus of having a goal and working towards it rather than the actual weight loss, but I began to feel more confident and less upset by DH not wanting sex. I think I began to believe him that it wasn't that he didnt find me attractive or would have had more sex with someone else, it was just he really felt too tired and stressed to enjoy sex. My 'neediness' disappeared and I felt happier and more secure.

DH went through a really stressful time but towards the end of last summer he had less pressure on him. He began to initiate sex when he felt more like it, we tried a new position which became a joint favourite and started having more regular sex. I got pregnant towards the end of the autumn.

So I guess our different sex drives weren't really coming from a healthy place and weren't our normal. It turned out that when we felt better, we were much closer. I realise this isn't the case for everyone. If your 'healthy' sex drives are mismatched then I can see that would be a more long term problem. I certainly don't want to reinforce the stereotype that women who want more sex are needy or unreasonable. I know that isn't true and its insulting. But if what I've said sounds familiar, then maybe improving your self-esteem and confidence is worthwhile.

Certainly, I think that men who have lower sex drives are perhaps unlikely to look at solutions because of the social expectation that he should feel 'lucky' to have an partner with a high sex drive. Do check that there isn't a medical reason for his reluctance. Some conditions cause sex to be painful or uncomfortable. Stress and medication can also lower sex drive.

I know he has said that it isn't the pregnancy. But some partners are put off by the proximity of the baby and psychologically he may be viewing you more as a 'mum' because of your overtly maternal appearence which is maybe conflicting with his normal image of you as his sexual partner. I also don't know if there could have been a biological reaction, like knowing that he can't get you pregnant at the moment, that his instinctive biological urges are suppressed?

I don't know. I totally realise though why you need to feel connected to your partner more, especially whilst you are pregnant, as was mentioned above, pair bonding is important, especially knowing you'll be raising a child together. You may be able to get some satisfaction through intimate contact short of full sex - maybe he would be more affectionate if he realised how important it was to you at the moment?

Its a tough situation and I don't think there's an easy answer to it. As others have said, if he feels like sex once or twice a week, that's not particuarly low, unfortunately it is lower than what you desire and its only the two of you that matter.

I agree that cheating isn't really the answer, for a happily monogamous couple, it isn't about wanting sex, its about wanting sex specifically with the partner they love.

solidgoldbrass · 22/06/2012 23:49

I think it's also true that mismatched libidos become a bigger problem when there are other problems within the relationship: basically, if one partner is more selfish than the other, then a libido mismatch can become an obvious focus of that. Sometimes the high-libido partner is the selfish one: constantly asking for sex or complaining that the other partner is not allowing sex often enough while ignoring anything the low-libido partner says about why s/he doesn't feel inclined to have sex; sometimes it's the low libido partner who is content with a sexless or nearly sexless relationship and reckons that vague promises to 'try harder' will shut the other partner up and allow the status quo to continue.

Certainly having a low - or indeed a high - libido isn't exclusive to men or to women, but (at least as far as threads on MN show) when it's the woman with the low libido, she's generally told the man that she would like him to do his share of the domestic work/pay some attention to making the sex actually pleasurable for her rather than just waving his cock at her/pay some attention to her generally rather than only engaging with her when he wants his cock serviced. When it's the man who is uninterested in sex, the woman has often tried patience, understanding, changing her behaviour, changing her appearance, asking repeatedly what he might want or need, and been repeatedly fobbed off and ignored.

needsomeperspective · 23/06/2012 05:46

Op have you ruled out a physical issue? Low testosterone might be contributing to this. My husband has agreed to go to the doctor and get his checked.

Also is this something that always happens in his relationships? Have you asked him about his previous experiences? My husband tells me in a roundabout way that this has been the norm in the past too. Which also is reassuring to me that it's not just that I am actually repellant to him.

Does he give you enough attention / affection in other ways? My husband is very tactile and affectionate. I get foot massages, back runs, head tickles etc. it doesn't make up for the lack if sex but does go some way to keeping me feeling closer to him and staving off some of my resentment. Although it can also be frustrating because I will get turned on and he clearly won't be.

Sloobreeus · 23/06/2012 06:16

Lost my sex drive completely when I was with exH. If I ever have another long term relationship (unlikely but perhaps not impossible) and the same thing happened again I would probably have sex to please him. Mismatched sex drives cause misery and can be deal-breakers. I am not a pushover by any means but in this context I would give in to keep him happy. Am a reasonable actress so could probably carry it off.

Geordieminx · 23/06/2012 07:02

Dh hasn't been interested in sex for years. It's not just the sex though, it's the physical intimacy. I think I possibly could have accepted it if we had everything else, but to be honest it went hand in hand with no cuddles, kisses, or affection of any kind.

It made me feel so unloved, and unwanted. He refused to discuss it though, so it became this massive elephant in the corner of the room, me resenting him for being frigid, him resenting me, for at 29 wanting sex.

We are getting divorced Grin

fluffyraggies · 23/06/2012 08:24

Having a high sex drive is a complete pain sometimes. My engine's always always humming and i'd happily have sex at least once a day. When DH and i first got together we were at it constantly. And i loved it.

We've been living together 4 years and it has calmed down allot. We don't seem to have an average per week. It depends what the weathers doing! He has an outdoor physical job and understandably gets tired when he's working a full week. At weekends (if he's not working) it'll be 2 or 3 times. If it's a wet week it'll be 3 out of 5 nights perhaps. If he's working a full week he may only want it 1 out of the 5. Sooooo he hasn't got a low sex drive. He's just normal. It's me - i'm the one with the problem.

My point is that i hate the moody cow i become if i'm ragingly in the mood and he's too tired. I tend to get very rampant in the middle of my cycle. Self service? Yep, i do but it doesn't scratch that itch properly. Plus as others have said i love the closeness and intimacy of sex. It doesn't matter if it's wild drunken Saturday night sex together or lazy sleepy just before you nod off Monday night sex. I love him and i love his body Blush

He's very affectionate and we 'touch' allot - he holds my hand when we're out. Touchy-feely when we're on the sofa watching tv, etc.

I know i have this problem - and i apologise to him when i've been a bit snappy. We've had a couple of tiffs about it. These days i'm trying hard to play it a bit more 'hard to get'. I know in general a bloke likes to do the chasing. I'm currently not initiating sex at all. We've jogged along as normal. But i wish i didn't have to over think it like this. I wish i could just turn my sexual volume down.

MardyArsedMidlander · 23/06/2012 08:44

"Having a high sex drive is a complete pain sometimes. My engine's always always humming and i'd happily have sex at least once a day"

Heh- me too! Thank you for making me feel less of a weirdo Smile. Trouble is, it's got worse/ stronger as I've got older. By this rate, I'll be a public menace when I'm 80 Grin

Helltotheno · 23/06/2012 11:00

Low testosterone might be contributing to this. My husband has agreed to go to the doctor and get his checked.

To quote your own word back at you, rubbish :)
If every person in the country who's having sex once a week went to the doctor to have their hormones checked, at best there wouldn't be enough doctors to cope with the demand, at worst they'd be laughed out of the surgery. We need to get straight here that once a week is NOT a bad sex life. Balotelli would be singing from the rooftops if he was getting it once a week!

OP Spiritedwolf has made some very good points above. Your DH is (either consciously or subconsciously) resisting your attempts to hold him hostage to your psychological issues through your constant demands for sex. If he's a reasonable person and is treating you well and giving you no reasons to feel insecure, he doesn't have to take on that insecurity.
Maybe step back a little and focus on doing things yourself to make you feel better. Go out with friends now and again, take up a hobby, exercise (and I really can't stress how great regular exercise will make you feel). The aftermath of babies is a turbulent time and I'm sure things will be back on an even keel once you're back to your best self.

I know in general a bloke likes to do the chasing
It's not really that fluffy, it's more that neediness is unattractive coming from anyone. From his standpoint, he's not depriving you of anything - the opposite is what it sounds like - yet you're still being excessively needy. Sorry but imo that's in your head, not your sex organs.

BertieBotts · 23/06/2012 11:26

I think that it is possible IF both of you are sensitive to the others' needs and recognise that sex isn't a right, even if you are in a relationship.

For example - if one partner has totally switched off, no intimacy, nothing, then that probably means you have bigger problems, or that you aren't compatible.

Similarly, if one partner makes it obvious that they're unsatisfied then the other will feel pressure and there is no bigger turn off than pressure. The stronger the pressure the worse it will be, unless it's verging on forceful/abusive in which case the pressured partner is more likely to give in, however, that's an awful prospect - having sex because you feel there is no other option - and really not conducive in any way to a healthy relationship.

If you're sure you're not in either of these scenarios then it's worth sitting down and properly talking about it, but actually avoiding the subject of sex itself. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but it isn't - the problem when you have a situation like this is that one person gets it in their head "I need more sex" and the other gets it in their head "I need less sex/I don't want to have more sex/I don't like sex" when actually it's not necessarily about sex at all.

So, the HSD (higher sex drive) partner needs to work out what it actually is that they want that they think sex will provide - whether that's intimacy, connection, shared physical experience, stress release, whatever. Then consider whether it's fair to rely on their partner for those needs (e.g. stress release - no, physical sexual pleasure - no, at least not all the time, ie don't hold them responsible for your lack of sexual release if they don't want it at a particular time)

The ones which do necessarily require the LSD partner to be involved like connection, intimacy etc, hold on to those for a minute.

The LSD partner needs to do a similar thing, ie think about what it is they find off-putting about sex and write all that down, e.g. fear of pregnancy, physical exertion, pain, invasion of personal space, worry that "smaller" interactions e.g. kissing etc will lead to more, body/self esteem worries, general feeling of not enough going on elsewhere in the relationship.

If you can both be honest and be prepared for the other's thoughts to perhaps be hurtful it will help much more in the long run. Anyway, once you both have your thoughts/feelings around sex without it being about sex overtly you can perhaps talk and find ways to meet the HSD's needs without triggering the LSD's discomfort. For example, you could perhaps have less penetrative sex and concentrate on other things more with penetrative sex more of an occasional thing. You could find non-sexual ways of being intimate like having a bath together or taking up massage. You could start a new hobby together or take on a project, or look at your everyday routines - perhaps you've fallen into a pattern of doing your own thing, or you could fit in a time to sit and connect, perhaps first thing in the morning with a coffee or designate one night a week as a "date night" (not intending to lead to sex, but could if it happens to go there) etc etc.

The hope with all of this is that it does any or all of three things, firstly that it reduces the HSD's need for sex because the needs are getting met in other ways, that it creates a more open atmosphere for talking about sex so that the HSD can reassure the LSD that they are loved, appreciated and respected and that it's fine if they don't want to do something or if they start but don't finish etc and the LSD can reassure the HSD that it's not them they are rejecting. And also that the LSD feels closer to the HSD which perhaps will lead to more sex or more sexual/intimate activity.

daffydowndilly · 23/06/2012 11:28

Helltotheno your second paragraph just reminded me of the scenes in Eastenders where the character Denise was so frustrated at the lack of sex in her life, that she bought a exercise bike and would be seen peddling away furiously, in lieu of intimacy. I can't decide if you have a point in there somewhere, or if you really just don't get it.

I do feel it is offensive to suggest that the ladies here have psychological issues (really?) because they have a sex drive. The way you come across is a little anti-feminist and I keep waiting for you to suggest they all join a book club, or the local WI. Now, I know quite a few diagnosed sex addicts who do use sex to cope with their psychological/esteem issues, and believe me wanting to shag your husband more than once a week does not make you someone with psychological and self-esteem issues. It does mean you have a healthy sex drive and want healthy sex with your partner.

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 23/06/2012 11:36

Psychological ISSUES because they're horny?

Do men with high drives classify as having psychological issues Hell?

fluffyraggies · 23/06/2012 11:59

Ooooh, i don't know Helltotheno - i think some guys genuinely do find being the 'chaser' rather than the 'chasee' more comfortable, natural, and more of a .. i don't know .. turn on, whether within a long-standing relationship or not. I totally agree with you that neediness is not a turn on.

I'm thinking about the "that's in your head, not your sex organs". I'm not sure. Is a high sex drive just neediness then?

What IS a 'high' sex drive indeed, come to think of it.

Bertie - i think you made allot of very good points there. I consider myself lucky that my DH and i have been able to have a talk, and basicly in our case it boils down to 'If it's a no tonight it's not 'cos i don't love you honey, it's cos i'm knackered!"

I think your points about getting/giving enough tactile affection easing the 'need' for sex is probably spot on. My DH laying down next to me at night and just turning away and going to sleep is a million miles from taking the time for a nice cuddle and a kiss, maybe a chat about nothing much and falling asleep tangled up together. No sex in either scenario, but very different emotionally. (Although a little bit of me would still be thinking "Mmmmm, i could shag you senseless right now Grin)

MardyArsedMidlander · 23/06/2012 12:30

Blimey, we'll be going back to Victorian days where women with high sex drives were sectioned. Except it's more fluffy now- and called 'low self esteem'.

Abitwobblynow · 23/06/2012 13:00

Fluffy you lucky thing! Your H sounds lovely.

I wish you a wet summer Grin

Helltotheno · 23/06/2012 13:20

I actually consider myself a feminist, although man-hating isn't a feature of my feminism. In fact I'm all about people and individual cases rather than dividing people into men/women, gay/straight etc. Is that a concept too far for some of you?

I accept the existence of high sex drives but I do believe there are lots of cases where the sex drive itself is not what's at play, and that the OP is one of these cases. There's not enough information for anyone to judge whether her DH is giving her reason to be insecure but to me, she comes across as needy and her DH is reacting at a basic level to her neediness.

Maybe 'psychological' is the wrong word, after all I'm not a shrink. I actually think anyone forcing his/her rampant sex drive on someone else is unreasonable, especially when the other person is a decent person and can't be said to be holding back.

I also find it unfair of people to lump relationships like the OP's (where there's reasonably regular sex, just not enough for one of them) into the same bracket as people who are getting NO sex in a relationship. These scenarios are far from being one and the same thing, and if I were someone in a no-sex-at-all relationship reading this thread, I'd be annoyed.

Blimey, we'll be going back to Victorian days where women with high sex drives were sectioned. Except it's more fluffy now- and called 'low self esteem'

In case you've not noticed, the vast majority of the problems posted on the Relationships board are at least in part, down to the low self-esteem of the poster so yes, it is an issue, and I'm a huge advocate of people working on their self-esteem first, and not seeking constant validation from others.
But of course that's probably a bit Victorian, anti-feminist and pro-men for you all is it? Hmm

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 23/06/2012 13:24

Being a feminist doesn't men you are anti men.

Ahh so now it's a 'rampant' sex drive because she's so insecure and needy?

Maybe she just likes sex and wants to get laid more.

Yeah, I would say your post is offensive, anti feminist and kinda sad.

Helltotheno · 23/06/2012 13:37

Sure, you're entitled to your opinion :)

I've noticed on MN when there's a surge against someone on a post, everyone jumps on the bandwagon with ever-worsening insults... so predictable, unoriginal and ... welll ... lemming-like.

Oh and:
Maybe she just likes sex and wants to get laid more.
No, she thinks her husband has gone off her and wants him to lay her more to convince her he hasn't... somewhat different you'll find.

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 23/06/2012 13:39

I'm not insulting you personally, I don't do that to people I don't know Wink
I just find your posts offensive. I'm not attacking you, and I'm not a lemming (lovely) I just don't agree with you and think your posts are (intentionally or unintentionally, I have no idea) coming off a bit sexist.

Helltotheno · 23/06/2012 13:43

Just so you're aware, I'd be saying shades of the same thing if a man had posted, and have done in the past, so sexist doesn't come into it.

I have never denied the existence of high sex drives in either men or women. If you understood my posts, that would be clear.