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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How did you find out?Did you know? And why did it end?

69 replies

waitingtobeamummy · 19/06/2012 21:23

I need information please, to help my sanity. I do'nt want to namechange but I know I can be easily traced by somethings on here so I don't want to go into a huge amount of detail.
Please can you tell me, did you know your partner was having an affair (or if it was you, did they know?)
How did you find out?Was it because you knew? Is this why it ended and if not why did it end?
I just need other people's perspectives please.

OP posts:

complexo · 19/06/2012 21:33

Odd behaviour.
Check mobile / get email password.
that is what I did
You usually can sniff in the air but need strong proves to convince yourself you are not going crazy.

MadAboutHotChoc · 19/06/2012 21:38

Distant & grumpy.

Possessive with phone.

Gave me the I'm not in love with you script.

To confirm my suspicions, I did some snooping on the laptop - checked internet history, found secret credit card account, checked deleted folders and found a dodgy FB message.

anotherdayanotherme · 19/06/2012 21:42

I was one of those that defended my other half to the hilt when we split up. I asked him to leave because his behaviour was so bad toward me. A good friend asked me if he was having an affair and I laughed it off and said he would never do that to me. (Quite why I said that when he was a abusive twat, I will never know.) Anyway, a few weeks after he left, I found out he was with someone else. When I look back, there were bloody glaring signs and I had red flags but I did not interpret them correctly and as complexo says, I thought I was paranoid and going mad. We tried to get back together but what I found so so hard to witness was his grieving for her. He missed her. It broke me to be honest. We split, they had a very rocky road to follow which ended in her smashing a bottle in his face - classy bird he went off with. They didn't last. Five years after all this happened, i bumped into him and he said his life had been shit and he wished he hadn't gone. My life had got suprisingly better.

NimpyWindowMash · 19/06/2012 21:44

I didn't know, and found out by accident, being nosey looking at his phone on a long car journey. However, things had been difficult and there probably were some signs that all was not well. But I hadn't noticed them.

springaroundthecorner · 19/06/2012 21:49

Same as HotChoc other than the FB thing.

My final stroke of luck was that he broke his phone. I offered my old one and I knew it was my chance with superior knowledge of that little bit of technology. Bingo.

complexo · 19/06/2012 22:16

You can follow him...

Original poster

waitingtobeamummy · 19/06/2012 22:22

Thats the thing though, I can't see how he's managed it. Phone has nothing no time spent different to normal (as far as I can tell) no money gone missing.....but so distant, so annoyed with me all the time, going through the motios of sex, picking fault with me, mentioig a certain name all the time.....could he be that stupid?

OP posts:

skyebluesapphire · 19/06/2012 22:24

Taking phone everywhere, texting all the time, not letting me look at phone any more.

deleting emails, new secret email account t

Secret Facebook chat

Talking about her ALL the time and putting her H down (his best mate)

All seen with hindsight, not at the time.....

skyebluesapphire · 19/06/2012 22:26

Oh yeah mustn't forget the I don't love you any more speech as well

And finding fault with me and everything I do

Detaching from DD pushing her away, getting frustrated with her.

lowestpriority · 19/06/2012 22:28

Er, yes, they can be that stupid.

Original poster

waitingtobeamummy · 19/06/2012 22:33

but thats rubbing my nose in it.....wanting me to find out?Enjoying say her name ifront of me?Wanting me to ask?

OP posts:

skullandcrossbones · 19/06/2012 22:35

He's probably got a second phone, thats what mine had. Also numerous email accounts. Sorry you're going through this, you're sanity is probably fine.

skyebluesapphire · 19/06/2012 22:36

In the case if my H it seems to more of an infatuation than anything else and I don't think he realised what he was doing that he was talking about her so much.... He certainly insisted that he didn't realise he had texted her 100 times a day...

bogeyface · 19/06/2012 22:37

Instinct. Pure instinct.

I just knew something was wrong. He covered his tracks well though so I thought I was going mad, he helped by telling me I was paranoid etc. Eventually though he tripped up (they all do eventually, sometimes accidentally on purpose) and I found his secret and all the evidence was there. Took 6 months though :(

That is often the start of threads on here, there is no evidence, no massive change in behaviour, but the wife (assuming its a woman as most are on MN) just has a "feeling" that something isnt right.

She posts on here, gets some advice and usually within the week they have found evidence. I dont remember ever seeing a thread where the OP turned out to be paranoid or mistaken, although prepared to be corrected on that.

AnyFucker · 19/06/2012 22:41

yes, they can be that stupid

"mentionitis" is common, then you really need to worry when they stop mentioning the name completely

you probably should listen to your instincts, love, and do some digging around

complexo · 19/06/2012 22:42

Don't do they all act so similar..? It is so cliche, so boring
They just don't know how to be original, don't they?
But at least, you go through it once, and no man can fool you no more

complexo · 19/06/2012 22:42

Don't do they all act so similar..? It is so cliche, so boring
They just don't know how to be original, don't they?
But at least, you go through it once, and no man can fool you no more

bogeyface · 19/06/2012 22:44

Mine had a secret phone and unregistered PAYG sim. You can pick up a phone witha camera for next to nothing these days. It was all done via this secret phone which he kept at work, which is why I couldnt find any evidence.

It was only because one day he accidentally left it in his work trousers and brought it home that I found out. He hid it in some other trousers that he rarely wore but I was trying to do a full load in the washer so picked them up, found the phone and my world fell apart.

DD was 5 weeks old, we had been married just over a year. Bastard had been cheating for 90% of our marriage at that point :(

youarekidding · 19/06/2012 22:44

previous rumour - which probably isn't true!

One-night stand approaching my friend in local bar (she worked there) and asking where he lived, friend saying with his Dfiance and DS, ONS, 'er no, they've split up, he told me last night and he showed me photos of his DS'

We did split up I told him not to come home - ever! about 2 hours after that conversation.

I heard more rumours about people seeing him with other woman, and him and a supposed friend of mine that people knew about whilst we were still together.

Good news is my refusing to marry him hurt him - he is now happily married to his DW and both of us are happy.

AnyFucker · 19/06/2012 22:44

it's happened once or twice that I can remember, BF

as opposed to the many, many instances that by the time the cheated partner posts on here, it's a done deal

certainly, instinct should be listened to

bogeyface · 19/06/2012 22:45

On my first post I missed out the word "phone" after secret, sorry, it doesnt make much sense without it!

Hassled · 19/06/2012 22:47

I had absolutely no idea. I knew things were bad, and had actually asked Ex-H the "is there someone else?" question (he denied it convincingly), but only in a clutching at straws sort of way, not because I had any suspicions. He confessed a week later. Yes, that was why it ended.

It sounds to me not so much that your DP is having an affair, more that he has a crush on someone and feels guilty as hell about it.

bogeyface · 19/06/2012 22:47

AF I thought that there must be, but I had never seen one. But as you say, compare that to the hundreds of times instinct has been proven to be correct :(

bogeyface · 19/06/2012 22:49

Mentionitis usually occurs just before the affair proper starts, but the wheels are in motion by the sound of it.

As someone else said, when her names stops being mentioned at all and his vileness goes up a notch, or he starts being delightful to you (one extreme or the other, not just nice, but wonderful) then it means it has moved on to the next step.

Original poster

waitingtobeamummy · 19/06/2012 22:53

I don't know if I can cope with a crush. Thats even worse. Would be better if just sex/lust rather than crush/love.

OP posts:

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