How did you find out?Did you know? And why did it end?

[waitingtobeamummy]

I need information please, to help my sanity. I do'nt want to namechange but I know I can be easily traced by somethings on here so I don't want to go into a huge amount of detail.
Please can you tell me, did you know your partner was having an affair (or if it was you, did they know?)
How did you find out?Was it because you knew? Is this why it ended and if not why did it end?
I just need other people's perspectives please.

love, we don't know anything

we are seeing some signs that don't look good from the outside, but there are still some other explanations for them

have you asked him why he has been so distant/unpleasant recently ?

have you told him you are worried about how he acts towards you and if there is anything he needs to tell you ?

Distant
Picking faults
Cold eyes
Phone hidden (not always notably being used in front of me tho)
Extra work commitments
The "I love you but am not in love with you" script

I phoned our mobile operator, set up online itemisation so I could track and see all calls a few hours after they were happening. I was horrified. One number upto 100 times a day.

Does u both have an iPhone? Download find a friend app. U could Do it either in secret and hide the icon in ents folder, or blag him as say it's an app to recover lost or stolen phones...which it is, but it also has other uses..... Send a request from his phone to your email address and you will then be able to covertly watch his location via live gps on your phone xx u will be able to track his location very easily x

Can u try and get into his Facebook/email/work email these were giveaways for me as well.... Has he added any new female friends recently ( with the same name he keeps mentioning ?)

Xx

I think AF is right in that you need to talk to him. But I wouldnt say anything that might give away that you are thinking he is having an affair, as that might make him cover his tracks even more.

Maybe tell him how unhappy you are because of how things have been recently. Ask him why he has been distant/ critical etc. and see what his response is, more importantly see what your feelings are about his response. Does it put your mind at rest or does it still have you thinking "there is something wrong here...."?

Always, always, always trust your instincts. If you think there's something wrong - then there is. But it may be something fixable so don't leave it too late to start talking to him.

Would second AF about 'mentionitis'.It's when they stop talking about them it has moved to a different level.Wether that is something physical, or in my DHs case lots of meetings for work that weren't necessary so they could have time to talk one on one and lots of daily texting.
Also mine started getting just one more glass of wine and watching any old rubbish on TV rather than coming to bed with me.
Stopped touching and hugging me as much as he'd always done.
Only realised all this in hindsight.
Little things I guess, but if you're worried enough to post on here then find a good,calm time to look him in the eye and really talk.

No mentionitis here!

I had a dream last April that he was having an affair (with Julia Roberts!!) and checked his phone and found loads of flirty texts from RSurname - when I confronted him it was just a flirtation and he wasn't used to working in an office with women (he was a firefighter on secondment to the council)- he said he was really embarrassed but wouldn't discuss what he told her to end it etc (He only had R as he didn't know how to spell Rhona he said )

After that became more and more secretive with the phone (sleeping with it under his pillow and taking it to the bathroom when he went for a shower)- One time I asked to see the phone and he (literally) snarled at me and said 'As you asked NO '

Became more critical and distant (used to always hold my hand and cuddle on the sofa and that all stopped ) always making suggestions for me to go or to and take my mum away for weekends etc

I wish I had trusted my instincts - I knew something was going on and he made me feel like a paranoid idiot! We went for counselling and the counsellor said 'did it not occur to you that your behaviour is that of someone having an affair' to which he replied 'no'

Also got the 'love you but not in love with you' speech

Told me he had no time for an affair - but turns out went to fake training and fake conferences in work time

I found the card he had written for his girlfriend in his work bag (which was tucked under the spare room duvet) on New Years Eve .. and asked him to leave

I had no idea at all, and it had been going on for 3.5 years!

In the months leading up to his confession his behaviour at home was horrible, particularly to the DC, and it was after yet another evening of vile, irrational behaviour that I finally beat the truth out of him. I had no idea what was coming though. I didn't even recognise her name at first, the period of mentionitis had been so long

As I didn't know what was behind it all, my only real line of questioning was "What the hell is going on? Why are you being like this?" and not being fobbed off with attempts to blame it on some kind of existentialist mid-life depressive claptrap.

The only thing that changed over the period was the time he came home after a night shift - put down (by him) to no longer being 25 and taking longer recover sufficiently to drive home - and then flaking out on the sofa until the DC came home (so as not to have to look me in the eye, maybe).

A friend who'd been through the same asked me if he could be having an affair and said no, not his style, at all.

And you think you know someone.

Our marriage is failing now because despite all his promises to change and claims to love me, he is still weak, secretive, unwilling to tell me the honest truth and to face all the unpalatable consequences of his acts

"Our marriage is failing now because despite all his promises to change and claims to love me, he is still weak, secretive, unwilling to tell me the honest truth and to face all the unpalatable consequences of his acts " - yup.

So Two: how did you find out? How did he react when you knew? Was Miss Perfection dumped straight away?

I really want to ask him: why are you still here? If she was SO wonderful she was worth throwing your family under a bus for, why aren't you with her?

The answers are weak and pathetic. I don't get it at all. I will never get it.

Wobbly, he confessed, under pressure, in the face of my increasing shock at his behaviour, desire to protect the DC from more abuse, and the weight of his guilt I suppose.

I was floored. Still am when I think about it. OW wasn't dumped until weeks later, when he finally understood that we were going nowhere while she was still loitering in the background.

He says he's not with her because he realised he didn't love her like he thought he did and didn't want to be with her permanently. He didn't want her baggage either (2 kids + scorned H). But I have a strong impression he still holds a candle for her.

Instinct, mobile phone glued to his side, wish I'd have snooped at his phone in the middle of the night as he's such a heavy sleeper but hey ho, dp didn't have what I would call an affair as such, he met old 'school friends' via fb, started as chat progressed to texts and then meet ups, nothing long term with one person, oh he also had an app called Viber on his phone which he used to text and call free to one of these 'ladies' he volunteered this info to me after I found out about his being 'c*nt of the year 2011' revelations, I'm 3 months down the line and we are still together, things are going ok.

Flowers and gifts.

Receiving them out of the blue.....guilt gifts.

This is was I posted just days before I found out he was!

"There are a number of reasons but nothing I can pinpoint. He had a promotion a few months ago and has started staying away from home on business trips, even though I am sure the person doing the job prior to him never did.

I can feel the distance between us and am always on edge. Partly I think (hope) it could be stress from his new job, but I don't think so.

I've noticed him texting a lot more these days (though not significantly, he has never really done this). I did something I thought I would never do earlier today and checked his phone, all his messages on there have been deleted both incoming and ougoing! He's a technophobe and theres a bit of me that thinks that deleting all his messages would be the only way he knows how to get rid of any incriminating ones.

I've noticed him having real hugs with the kids, not that he was ever a bad Dad but it's just as though he's making up for something."

I found out last wk that my H has had an affair for 2 yrs (ended 7mnths ago purely coz the OW's H found out.) The OW's H had been following them, and had her PC looked into and all the emails were there, planning hotel visits during work hours and obviously loads of other conversations that I probably don't want to even know about. I had been sent an anonymous letter (over a year ago) telling me they were seeing each other and a phone call from someone saying the same things, but when confronted at the time, he said that he and OW had seen each other for coffee a few times and both just needed someone to talk to (about their supposed problems with their OHs) and he promised it would stop. I suppose I believed what I wanted to hear and could not believe the worst as it was soo huge and unbelievable.
Anyway, I do think you can only accept what your brain will let you.
I had been essentially told exactly what was going on but my mind refused to believe it. Even after I had the call last wk from the Ow,s H saying he now had the hard evidence ,ie the emails ,I still took a few days for it to sink in and become 'real '.

Lucky - you must be in deep shock and it will take a while for you to process your feelings and thoughts

If you want to start your own thread to get support, there are lots of wise Mnetters on here.

Thank you, MadAboutHotChoc , I might do that.
I havent been able to tell anyone and am now crying cz you've replied. I guess I am still in shock, thanks for being there.

Found out through looking st his phone, no particular reason, I picked it up to check the time and there was a text. He had been weird for previous couple of weeks but I didn't suspect cheating.
Didn't chuck him out, but like pp, we are in serious trouble now due to his inability to be honest and open with me.

I just knew; mine went from being the keen one in the relationship who couldn't bear being away from me for a night, to sharp, snidey, always comparing me, and finding me wanting (in his head, he didn't have balls to say it out loud).
I wanted rid of him by then, but am quite a moral person who believes in commitment so needed to find a proper reason. I found the evidence on his computer and phone.
Mentally, he'd been having cyber relationships with 21yr old girls (he's 40) who were always willing to type 'I want you inside me' and other such, and even to send him pictures of their genitalia, and to receive his pics without laughing.
Physically, he'd been visiting prostitutes as they would give him oral sex (his recent obsession) without him having to put the teeniest bit of effort in. They were much nicer women than me, apparently.
I told him I'd found out- he lied, gaslighted, was sorry, wanted to stay together, wanted to work it out, it had been over, he had never meant it.
I kicked him out. He then said he'd always hated me for the whole 12 years, had just forced himself to stay with me (blah blah - all pathetic shit).
Anyway, this was only a couple of months ago. I took charge, left him, and am happy and excited by my new life (I was anxious and depressed before).
I helped him move at the weekend - he is huffy, grumpy and seems sad.

The beauty of it is, I don't care any more.
So OP - if the relationship feels wrong, it probably is - leave and you'll be so much happier.

I had no idea. My phone rang and I could hear him talking to someone in the background but couldn't hear the other person. He was in the car and had pocket dialed me. I then realised he must have a secret phone.

Searched the car, it was under a floor panel.

It is so sad the sheer volume of people this has happened to. I do trust DH and don't believe that he would cheat HOWEVER I have always had a theory that you need to stay on your toes.

Sometimes people are distant or act a bit different for genuine reasons, I know when I have felt a bit down about various things ie work stress and problems with friends I may have been distant etc but if DH ever is I am always aware and ensure we talk about it.

Thats not to say I am always prying but if I ever suspected him I would have no issue with checking his phone or e-mails, rightly or wrongly!!!

I seems to me that a lot of men just don't want to be monogamous. I imagine that in the past it was more usual for the wives just to pretend it wasn't happening but now there is less stigma being divorced or on your own with children so there is a lower tolerance for infidelity. Now I think about it, in nearly all the relationships I have had, there has been infidelity (on his part and a few times on mine, but only when the relationship was on the way out).

Perhaps marriage should be on a 5 year rolling contract or something so there were opt out points? CAll me a romantic, lol!

Oh I got the I dont love you and havent for a long time but maybe we can fix it speech

Then when he decided no we couldnt fix it I was talking to my Dad on the phone who said in his experience no man left a wife who loved him DC etc unless there was someone else. I actually remember going bright red , very odd

Prior to that it hadnt crossed my mind (pre MN days) but then I started to notice him carrying his mobile phone everywhere ...

Sorry OP its just all so bloody miserable

Thank you all for your advice. Tonight we have talked. Properly. I hope we've caught it I time. I hope he has been honest. I hope we have a chance

Has he admitted to anything ?

I wish you the best, love x

An obsession but nothing physical. It was heading that way tho. I've realised my faults and him his. Hopefully it'll be a fresh start. But he still works with her.