How did you find out?Did you know? And why did it end?

[waitingtobeamummy]

I need information please, to help my sanity. I do'nt want to namechange but I know I can be easily traced by somethings on here so I don't want to go into a huge amount of detail.
Please can you tell me, did you know your partner was having an affair (or if it was you, did they know?)
How did you find out?Was it because you knew? Is this why it ended and if not why did it end?
I just need other people's perspectives please.

It seems you are happy with the way things are being resolved, so I will not labour the point. Many people would not be, however, and unsurprisingly so. I would be particularly concerned that you have taken any of the blame here.

For me (and I realise you are not me) the absolute minimum I would expect is that he cut off all contact with her (including looking for another job)

Be careful, love, and take care of yourself x

the ow rang and left cryptic messages on our answer machine.. I asked him what she was on about and I suddenly twigged what she was saying.( I knew her, he worked with her and our dc were at nursery together. she had asked him to leave me and dc but he refused so she thought she would take matters in her own hands. then I hacked into his email and Facebook and found messages between them. discovered he had two phones. and the times he was on night duty he was actually with her. it went on for over two and a half years. it started just as I had had dc2.
I told him to leave. he still didn't want to and apparently he still blames me as I pushed him to it..
I have since met one of his old colleagues while out in the pub and turned out all his work knew but said the ow chased and chased hm till she got him.
funny thing was I was on mn then (3yrs ago now) but just didn't recognise the script !!!! even though it was all exactly as other threads tell you it is when they had an affair.

I'm very wary of new relationships now and still can't bring my self to trust someone.

WhenwillIfeelnormal told me. Is she still around? Same old script as all the others. Suitcase was packed and he was gone in less than 3 hours after 14 years together. Two years on and he still wants to come back.

What do you say to him, Drastic?

Waitingtobeamummy, I do hope that things work out for you, of course you have a chance as I hope my H and I do. However, I have learned personally that men will lie to us about an affair like their life depends on it even if they never lie about anything else ever. they will protect their life with you and their Cs at any cost if they still love you. My H has admitted this.
We too had a very serious talk last night.and finally, I know the whole truth ( I hope, you can never be sure ever again)
I so wish I'd been less trusting 16 months ago when I knew of OWs existence but believed his story. I believed what I wanted to hear.
Maybe I'm now too bitter, but I would just say, be wary.

Abitwobblynow - he's still with OW so I don't have to say anything. He's very unhappy. Drinking 2 bottles of wine every night. Lives in a horrible rented flat on his own. OW gives him Hell about me on a daily basis. Karma.

Drasticpark, that is indeed karma, and very sweet it is too. Throw them out is what I say, make them feel the consequences of their actions.

Grass greener syndrome ? Err, don't think so

WWIFN left Mumsnet after a bunch of lovely people decided that they would question her reasons for helping so many people, trashed her marriage, devalued her brilliant and thoughtful advice, and HQ didn't step in to help her. That's pretty much the sitch in a nutshell, unfortunately.

AnyFucker I saw the thread where people were asking where she was and questioning why she was up in the early hours etc responding to people. Seems odd that its anyone elses business!

I have told DH that if he ever jeopardised our relationship and family by being unfaithful I would take that as meaning he did not care about us enough to try to sort things out being doing something like that and he would be out on his ear immediately. Thats what I say now - who knows what I would say if it happened!

If you can truely forgive someone then I would imagine you can give it a real go but if you can't I am guessing it would destroy you?!

AF I'm very sorry to hear that. She changed the course of my life. Without her insight and advice I would still be with my cheating ex and he would still be cheating. He has consistently maintained that he never intended to leave me. However, he never intended to give OW up either. He lived a double life and still does. He has no intention of moving in with OW who broke up her own marriage to be with him. Our ds won't even have her name mentioned let alone be in her company.Two broken families. All four spouses now live alone or as single parents. Can't speak for the others but I am glad to be out of it and a million times happier.

I am very glad to hear that, dp

drasticpark although it is very sad what has happened it is good to hear the positive side of your situation and that you are happy. I think the problem is it must be so hard in the beginning sometimes people do not have the courage to do what may be best in the long term!

I relentlessly pursued the truth. I had to. Even though it hurt like Hell. The lies were laughable but I was like a dog with a bone. I refused to live a lie. My ex has yet to express remorse to anyone involved. The only thing he regrets is getting caught. If your partner genuinely wants to work at it then that's another story and possibly the harder option than kicking them out. Kicking my ex out was easy peasy.

I could copy and paste most posts here and steal it as my own.

OH distant and unfriendly (usually lovely)

I was 7 months pregnant so dismissed instinct as hormones

Friend said "Are you sure he's not seeing someone?' (i think she had found out)

OW had been sending emails to his brothers address,i was physically sick when i found the photos.

OH changed into the most horrendous person, never knew he had it in him TBH. He said he hopes me and unborn DS die of cancer and all sorts.

I rang OW,she was in another country and did not have a clue. Poor thing had lost her virginity to him. He tried to get with her but she had the integrity to walk away.

We split up, but since DS was born he has done a 360. He is a amazing dad and works 7 days a week giving most of it too me and DS. He is building a home for us in his own country and has been single for 3 yrs in the hope we will get together again. I would love to find a decent man,but have all but given up and may have to settle for XOH!

I would have to swallow an awful lot of pride as i HATE cheaters. I don't know how people can move past the hate/disrespect. But DS prefers him to me and if i didn't emigrate my DS would never see his dad again.

I get physically angry when i read post from people being cheated on. I refrain from commenting mostly as i just sound bitter and tainted.

Hope everything works out for you OP.

(ps,love the sound of a 5 year rolling contract tadpoles!)

How are you, waiting? I hope you're ok. Please stay on your guard and trust your gut instinct.

Sorry I didn't get bk on here. I'm ok, we are managing. The other woman is around a lot as he works with her. But he is holding his own. And we are talking and trying to move on. X

I didn't know but I did wonder. He always went to dos which spouses were not invited to. When he changed jobs his work mates addressed a farewell card to him to Slyman.

2 years after our split my son showed me his father's facebook page announcing to the world he had been with his new partner for 4 years. And only yesterday, 8 years later, my other son told me that his dad and his partner met on a dating site.

Nice.

How thick am I?! I had my suspicions but didn't know for sure until it was all revealed. They are welcome to each other. They did me a favour. Life is very sweet now.

Found out when his lover of four years was kicked out by her husband sp she appeared with suitcase at our house. Was last to know. Lived in country and all our friends knew just not me. They even managed holidays together as conferences . He pretended to be impotent for 4 years and we had counselling. He begged me not to tell anyone- in hindsight he was very cruel and made me go theoufh 4 years of pity ar my successful well known dp with rhis secret. Wasted 7 years of my life. He was not impotent, just a ruse to not have sex but keep me there as second best.

I left. Accepted huge quantity of money not to tell anyone how he treated me. When cheque cashed told everyone. He had to move out of the area. Have lost touch with so called friends from then too. On purpose.

Being distant lying telling you he is working away when is isnt, switching his mobile off saying there was NO signal for 2 days, saying we are not compatiable anymore, talking about OW too much, check his mobile when he is asleep , copy what you see then you will feel better as you have actual proof of their sloppy conversations with each other, sorry hun but this is what happens, i know from personal experience, so no you are not going mad that is the mind games SOME MEN play when they are playing away, good luck.

Windandsand well done at spilling the beans! Sounds like he deserved it.