Can you ever forgive infidelity?

[Aliceinthelookingglass]

I had my friend on the phone very early today asking me for advice. I don't know what to say- except how I see it.

Her DH had a very brief affair. They live apart anyway due to his work.

I don't want to go into details but would like to know how many women did forgive and start again, and how you felt able to at least try.

My friend has gone from kcking him out when he confessed, to ringing him during the night pleading fo him to come back and try again- to now- when he appears to be wanting to try- not being sure what she wants, all based on whether she can forgive and trust.

She think the trust has gone forever, whereas I am more inclined to say that if there is enough love and commitment to try again, then trust can be re-built over time- but not overnight.

you want to know how many women? on here or ever?

to be honest I think you need to support your friend in whatever she decides to do rather than trying to influence her decision by doing a straw poll on mumsnet.

Are you suggesting that because they 'live apart anyway' then it's inevitable that he will be having 'brief affairs' and she should put up with it.

Generally I think the advice would be for her to kick him in to touch but only she knows what she can live with.

Have you posted about this friend before? This sounds familiar.

Forgiving is one thing, forgetting is a different matter.

As TET has observed, this does familiar. Has your friend commenced divorce proceedings by any chance?

'How to help your spouse recover.....' Linda J MacDonald is the best, most direct book for betrayers to read.

She says: in order for infidelity to be forgiven, the betrayer has to 'get it' - he really has to understand and own the damage he has done.

Then, he needs to accept that he is the healer. That means, being open, honest, answering all and any questions and bearing the pain and hurt and rage of the spouse for how ever long it takes - because he caused it.

The fact that this humble and penitent attitude takes up to 2 years, makes for a high failure rate.

You friend is going through the following

Shock... find out about affair. Fury. Upset. Kick cheating bastard out
Aftermath... Lonely. Upset. Remembering good times. Missing the old days.
Reconciliation.... Upset. Relieved. All back to normal. Put it behind us. Move forward. Counselling. Happy.
New Normal.... Lonely. Upset. Unhappy. Obsessing about the bad times. Suspects he's still a cheating bastard. No trust. No forgiveness. Regretting reconciliation. Doubting own judgement. Disappointment.

She'll cycle between 'aftermath' and 'new normal' for a while and then she'll either suck it up and keep him on the team or she'll kick him out properly. You can't influence events and it pays not to express too much of an opinion either way in case she eventually does the opposite.

What an amazing post Cogito.All the feelings I felt in the first year post discovery ,and rumbled on with new normal for sometime after.In a brilliantly succinct way you have captured the emotions and made sense of them.Thank you.
In a new,new normal now if that makes sense as decided to keep him on the team mainly because it was the first time in a long marriage he let me down, he did all the right things and more to help me heal and his affair got found out before it became physical - not sure I could have got past that and massive admiration to MN's that have.

I think in the best of affair recoveries that 'new normal' phase also includes very positive aspects such as better intimacy, more honesty, greater equality in the relationship and much better awareness of oneself and one's weak spots, but it depends on how much work the couple (but especially the one who's strayed) has done to repair the damage.

Like others OP, this is very familiar. Is this the friend you've posted about a lot who issued divorce proceedings and whose husband said he'd only met someone else for a restaurant meal? If it's taken months to drag the truth out of him, then that will make trust very difficult going forward but it now explains totally his ambivalence when she petitioned, doesn't it?

If this is the same person, I think you said in one of the threads that this long marriage had never been very satisfying for your friend. If a marriage has been in the main good until an isolated and brief infidelity, many couples can get past this but I imagine that one of your friend's issues is whether it's the first occasion? And as he's already lied so much and has worked abroad for a long time, she probably feels she will never know. If the marriage has never been that happy too, she might be wanting to stay more out of habit than anything else.

I'd just support her and refrain from giving an opinion at all, but do help her to see all her options and not just the one that is staying in her marriage. She might know herself very well indeed and know this is too big a hurdle. If she's been married a long time, I'd guess she knows him very well too and it's possible she knows he won't do the work that's necessary to regain her trust.

I think in the best of affair recoveries that 'new normal' phase also includes very positive aspects such as better intimacy, more honesty, greater equality in the relationship and much better awareness of oneself and one's weak spots, but it depends on how much work the couple (but especially the one who's strayed) has done to repair the damage.

I agree - and also couples who have previously enjoyed a great marriage usually fare better.