cant do it anymore he is a vile bastard how do i get out?

[yummytummy]

am shaking and crying just had an awful fight. had gone to a funfair today and when i came out of portaloos family had moved away spent frantic few mins looking found them eventually. then tried to make a joke to husband but still showing my point that " oh i see u did a david cameron on me ha ha" then the abuse i got was phenomenal, you stupid woman we were just there use your eyes etc etc. i said alright calm down then shut up you're useless always moaning and whining etc etc.

tried to approach him later at home saying calm down etc etc then i just got more abuse i'm crap it was a mistake to marry me you are so stupid that you cant even get a job you're a waste of my food money (have been job hunting and have hated being out of work and he knows that) more and more, i said dont talk to me like that then the usual you shouldnt make me angry.

have had enough of this all the time. he will never apologise will just not talk for 3 days then suddenly act normal no remorse or anything and i have had enough of feeling like shit all the time

but dont know how to get out have no job house in his name kids v small. dont want to go in a refuge just know cant live like this

is this bad enough to leave or am i being oversensitive like he says and i shouldnt have wound him up?

so confused and just cant stop crying

I'm glad you've come back to this thread.

The lack of remorse and the way they turn it round on you is chilling. This is classic EA again. I've been reading again (keeps me away, keeps me detached) and found a good link on this but can't bloody find it.

Agree with previous posters - keep your distance and contact Women's Aid.

It was the Heartless Bitches linky

www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

agree anastasia, the lack of remorse, the twisting of words and putting words or different meanings in my mouth (while accusing me of doing just that to him - I'm a 'worm tongue' apparently)

• have never plucked up the courage to contact women's aid personally, Yummy - have never felt I have a good enough case - hope you do! But defo avoid him tonight and tomorrow morning and hopefully tomorrow evening too!

fraggletits I feel the same, especially as I don't live with mine. Luckily, I have a counsellor who spotted the EA ages ago and has had books and resources with her for the minute I mentioned it. I think it's hard when you don't think you're Little Mo off Eastenders - I have a PhD (not boasting, just saying...) and couldn't be further from the picture in my head of a battered wife...so I don't identify fully, many of you are probably the same, for the ramifications to resonate and for you to feel like you have a case. But I think we all do. Walking on eggshells. Living in fear. We absolutely have cases.

fuck that link is exactly word for word him. i knew it but i didnt if you know what i mean. i know in my heart its over but still feel so so sad and scared as there is so much shit to sort out. as it says a person shouldnt have to be told to be kind and respectful. its so classic i am just angry with myself for getting pulled in so far.

Hope you find the strength to get him out of your life for good. There's some fantastic advice on this thread, and most of all, you sound a genuinely lovely person who desperately doesn't need this shitty treatment

Stay strong for your babies, stay safe

Don't be angry with yourself. You didn't get pulled in - I'm sure he was charming and did a number on you and only revealed his true self when you were in deep. But it's not too late. You're here now. It's going to be okay.

feel so sad that shits like this can make intelligent strong women feel so crap. aanastasia i too am a professional woman and cant believe what he has done to my confidence. we shouldnt have to walk on eggshells etc. the depressing thing is its obviously so common as its an actual recognized thing and books have been written etc so it happens all the time to so many. because its so insidious by the time you realise it feels too late

Thank you that's a fantastic link anastasia, I'm still reading it but definitely what resonates so far is

'It is the abuser's goal to make her believe that she deserves his cruelty and that only through her actions can she make it stop. It is his intent to get her to feel that she is the cause of any relationship problems, and that his (abusive) behavior is simply a response to her, and therefore acceptable'.!

also this is v random but we had booked to go and see the in the night garden show later this week. would love to take kids and just go without him but booking info and tickets are all in his phone. i guess should just maybe all go as kids will love it had saved for ages for them to go. aargh

You can get your confidence back, I really believe it. Without someone underminding you all the time, you'll build up. But yes, it's sad that what these bastards reduce any human being to, and sad that it's cyclical. I'm relieved that it's recognised and books are written...I'd thought I was going barmy otherwise. I sometimes wonder if my FW really thinks he's so clever as to pulled the wool over so many eyes, unaware these pages that describe him to a T exist.

Fraggle, I'm sorry it's resonating, but pleased it is helping.

Yummy, might he let you take them or take them himself? Very hard to second guess whether he's going to distance self or play model father?

i would think he would try to play the role of model father mainly for their benefit as he knows that would make them happiest. he is a shit husband but much as it pains me to say it is a good father.

just to say a quick goodnight will be back tomorrow hope to chat again then thankyou for all your kind thoughts.

Well, he might play the model father - they often worship their kids as an accessory and like to look good to the outside world, but good fathers don't treat their children's mothers badly.

Goodnight. See you tomorrow. Look after yourself.

Just read your thread yummy. You sound like a lovely, brave, strong woman- I am looking forward to when things start getting better for you and your children.

You have done the hard part, realising who and what he is and that you want no part of that life for you and your kids, so well done.

Try and get some good sleep tonight xx

my god i think that's the most eye opening link on EA I have ever read - took me a good hour! Thank you again Anastasia

Have a good nights sleep yummy x

hi, am back but feel very bad today. i was so hoping that after yesterday giving him space etc at least today he mwy approach me and if not apologise then just talk but nothing. if i dont approach him first then he will be quite happy to ignore me totally for weeks. i am always the one who caves in as i hate an atmosphere and am tired of it.

i mean i have lost all sense of normal but if a normal man had hurled abuse at a partner then later realised that was bad would he actually apologise? just cant imagine it.

so now i dont know what to do i know if i want an apology it will never happen but doesnt stop me wanting one. should i try to talk to him? is there any point?
i guess it just shows how little he thinks of me as he knows damn well i am upset but isnt really bothered.

i wish i didnt care what he thought but guess i am weak.

I'm sorry you're having a bad day. The sulking is part of the EA and making you apologise for his behaviour, again, related.

You're not weak, you've been worn down. You're human, you can't just switch off your feelings about him as your partner and who you have a family with. Many of us are the same - hence the 9th EA thread. I've been on those for ages in various guises trying not to care.

yummy, I have been reading your post and my heart goes out to you. Please don,t let this continue to happen. you are a human being with feelings who doesn,t deserve,need or want behaviour such as the treatment you are getting.
you will lose all sense of normality,self worth,trust,confidence because this is his way of making you feel shit about yourself and questioning yourself. He has done a number on you,he is a nasty vile piece of work. YOU ARE NOT WEAK. you are a strong beautiful mummy. look in a mirror and tell yourself so. Men like , I say men lightly because this is pure childish bullying behaviour, a playground it is not,he needs to grow up and ship out.

AnastasiaSteele Thankyou for the thread. I left an EA partner few months ago and the thread is frightening, clear stunning moments of clarity.

I think it was on an old EA thread, scary isn't it. Well done on leaving Bongo

what should i do next? should i leave it? he will never approach me but hate this total silence

I don't know - depends what you ultimately want. I don't know his behaviour, but he's probably banking on you breaking knowing you hate the silence and normally stop it. What's the longest it has been like this? Could he wait it out much longer? Has he EVER made the first move?

I,d just go around the house talking to myself. Then he will say something to you. Id play him at his own game and flip it on him this time and ignore whatever he says to you. He seems like he likes to have the upper hand over you and the situation of his making.