cant do it anymore he is a vile bastard how do i get out?

[yummytummy]

am shaking and crying just had an awful fight. had gone to a funfair today and when i came out of portaloos family had moved away spent frantic few mins looking found them eventually. then tried to make a joke to husband but still showing my point that " oh i see u did a david cameron on me ha ha" then the abuse i got was phenomenal, you stupid woman we were just there use your eyes etc etc. i said alright calm down then shut up you're useless always moaning and whining etc etc.

tried to approach him later at home saying calm down etc etc then i just got more abuse i'm crap it was a mistake to marry me you are so stupid that you cant even get a job you're a waste of my food money (have been job hunting and have hated being out of work and he knows that) more and more, i said dont talk to me like that then the usual you shouldnt make me angry.

have had enough of this all the time. he will never apologise will just not talk for 3 days then suddenly act normal no remorse or anything and i have had enough of feeling like shit all the time

but dont know how to get out have no job house in his name kids v small. dont want to go in a refuge just know cant live like this

is this bad enough to leave or am i being oversensitive like he says and i shouldnt have wound him up?

so confused and just cant stop crying

thankyou thjankyou no one in my life has ever said such nice stuff to me. relationship with parents was/is crap which again he uses against me to explain why i am so crap that everyone hates me.

i wish you were all "real" have no support in rl, not many friends again i know classic he has managed to isolate me and i feel so angry about it

really feeling your pain yummy - i am in exactly the same situation - you deserve a medal for putting up with that shit and being a fab mum to your children at the same time. You would never treat somebody you 'love' like that - you are a million times the person he could ever be and I really hope you get your situation sorted out x

The fact that you have an unsatisfactory relationship with your parents contributes to your vulnerability to people like this. I would wager that had you a good sense of self esteem and lacked the urge to please people, this twunt would have been sent packing long ago. Your vulnerability drew you to him and him to you.

You can get out and this board is a great starting point.

the thing is he used to be normal as did i when we met. this abuse has crept in slowly over time until it becomes normal but now not acceptable.

As abigail says , abusive men say the same disgusting , vile things to their partners , reading the lundy Bancroft book on dv will help you to see the patterns they use.

Honestly , please listen to the posters on here when we tell you that you are more worthwhile than you know, your H is a first class bastard who is just trying to grind you down so you eventually have such low self esteem that you start to believe what he says . Time to get strong and kick him to the kerb and get your life back !

We are all real, honey. Real people joined through the medium of the internet in a place where online support and encouragement is available 24/7

Whereabouts do you live (ie North, Northwest, Northeast, South etc)? There'll be mumsnetters near you and many rl friendships have come into being thanks to this site.

yummytummy
another person who has been in the same situation
they all say the same types of evil things. Threaten to take the kids cos you are such a terrible mother, you wont get a penny of my money, you can move out cos I wont, I will meet better if I walk down the street.
Many of us who have encountered them, have had poor family lives ourselves.

You are a fantastic person to have put up with this rubbish and make a life for your beautiful children in spite of the lack of a supporter and helpmate in your life. You are so wise to have glimpsed what is really going on and you are incredibly strong to have made the decision that this is not going to be how your DC grow up.
You have resources in you that you dont know about yet but this will open those doors inside you and in a year or two you will look back in amazement at what you have done.
It is because you are so truly amazing that this man wants to ruin you- he can only feel good about himself by belittling and causing a good and strong woman to doubt herself.

Again yummy, that's the script. They wouldn't act like this as a starting point, otherwise you'd run a mile after the first date. I've read it described as 'boiling frog' on here and it's so true:

'" Put a frog into boiling water and it will jump out straight away, put a frog into cold water then gradually add in boiling water, it will stay there until it is dead" '

See?

am in southeast, would love a rl mumsnet friend it would be so lovely to have a real body to talk to too. am just glad my lovely kids are huggy as i get a lot of strength and love from them.

Once you become empowered through self-knowledge and knowledge of the hymn sheet he's singing from, you'll administer a metaphorical well-deserved kick to his goolies before you kick him to the kerb.

Get yourself to your GP, tell him/her that you suffer from low self-esteem, and ask to be referred for a psychological assessment for counselling. A short course of CBT could make a world of difference to how you see yourself.

That's lovely that your kids are so tactile and you get strength from them - they are loving and that shows you aren't even a fraction of how crap he leads you to believe. I'm sure a fellow SE mum will be around somewhere.

Again, please be careful. Now you are wise to this shit, you're vulnerable and he may react 'badly' to changes in your behaviour such as friendships and standing up for yourself. I am not for a minute suggesting that you continue to stay as things are, I'm just saying look after yourself and watch your tracks. When I've stood up to mine, the abuse has gotten worse - but in a way, that's helped me continue to want to get out.

just to say thanku to all u lovely ladies for your support tonight. i feel so much stronger now. am absolutely shattered though so am going to sleep but will be back tomorrow, please hope some of u will be able to talk to me then as well. kids usally down by 8pm so will be after that. luckily we have 2 main bedrooms so i can sleep in peace and he will later just go to other room. its just so sad and am still v messed up in the head but really have to try to sleep. hope to talk tomorrow.

Sleep well yummy. Please do come back, and look after yourself.

I know there's more than a few mumsnetters in the southeast and I have no doubt you'll receive pms in the next few days.

Sometimes it's good just to have someone on the other end the phone.

Do you have family living nearby? If it gets too much, can you gather up the dc and go stay with them for a bit of r&r?

Oh hun it takes a strong woman to put up with this crap but keep home and hearth together for her kids.

Believe me I am as strong as they come, but years ago I was in a similar place like you and took all that was given to me and believed it, it took the loss of two dc for me to open my eyes and realise what a worthless bag of shit skin I was married to. mine walked out for a 16yr old the minute he was out that door, i changed the locks and booked a solicitors appt, I knew I wasnt going to get another chance to do either of those things, because I was physically scared of him. All arranged within 24hrs I was shitting myself cause I knew that when he tried to get in he would go nuts when he realised what ide done, he keyed my car the works, I never looked back.

You will know when its time to go babe, as I am sure someone has already said on here, everyone has a limit you are gradually reaching yours. Anger is a great emotion to harness and make it work for you.

xx

Awww yummy sweetie, I just wanted to say that you sound like a lovely person and I'm sorry that this selfish jerk of a 'man' is treating you like this. I'm glad that you can see him for what he is an have made the brave step of coming on here to get some online support. Its a great start and in the short time I have been here, the support of these wonderful women has helped others escape similar situations.

As for how far you have in this journey to go? There is an old saying: How you you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. So as others have said take it one step at a time, at your own pace whether that be fast or more slowly.

Thinking of you and how happy your life could be .

I'm in the SE yummy. I hope you are ok. I have never had emotional abuse from my dh but used to get it all the time growing up from my Dad. What they say gets under your skin doesnt it? Its been 15 years since my Dad last emotionally abused me, and yet for me it could be yesterday. Get out now, while you can. It may be too late for you to get this 'man' out of your head, but you can remove your babies from it before he gets them too. I hope you are ok, as I mentioned I live in the SE so pm me if you'd like to chat x

I'm also in the SE yummy. Don't you believe a word he says, he's just trying to drag you down to his level. You are way, way better than him and he knows it. PM me if you'd like to talk.

hi, wonder if anyone is around today? feel bit better mainly as i have been out most of day came back had nice evening with kids. he was working late so came home at 9pm but just ignored me has changed and gone downstairs.

i knew it wouldnt happen but i was so hoping when he came in he would acknowledge the atrocious insults and show remorse or something but i have to accept that wont happen. its so so hard though as when he was normal i used to look forward to him coming in, chat about day etc.

if i try to approach him he will ignore me as he is "still very angry with me" i mean wtf he has hurt me and acted shit not the other way round. and then will come more insults.

should i just avoid him for tonight? its horrible really wish he wasnt here all week but before when i have asked him to leave the house he has refused saying he is paying mortgage so why should he pay to stay elsewhere.

aaargh am feeling really wound up dont know what my next step should be

When did he stop being 'normal'?

Your next step should be to phone Women's Aid. Look at this site for information re phone numbers. Don't forget to use Private Browsing, won't you?

They will help you decide what to do.

Try to keep out of his way tonight. He's a bastard and you need to leave him.

hi yummy, i'm around tonight - I say ignore him, have a peaceful sleep and see how tomorrow goes.

I actually prefer when we're not talking and I can get a peaceful night sleep alone without him snoring in my ear!

Glad you're over all feeling a little brighter than yesterday

he goes back and forth can be ok ish for a week or so but then something which is minor or no big deal maybe to someone else will enrage him and then he will freak out again

Your next step should be to phone Women's Aid. Look at this site for information re phone numbers. Don't forget to use Private Browsing, won't you?

They will help you decide what to do.

Try to keep out of his way tonight. He's a bastard and you need to leave him.

imperialblether, whats private browsing? how do i activate it? he has his own laptop this is my dads ancient one which doesnt always connect, he doesnt usually go on this one.

thanks ok will ignore cant cope with a fresh batch of insults and hope to sleep peacefully. really had trouble sleeping last night as was so upset. hope tonight is better