Want to have DC2 but don't want sex

[Baloo1]

Right, so I'm posting on here, as I'm hoping to get at least one reply saying I'm not the only one going through this type of thing..

DS is 13 months old and we managed to "make" him on the first try nearly two years ago, which was the last time we had sex.

During pregnancy it was fine and I was always able to come up with some excuse and in any case DH found the idea a bit off-putting so it didn't feel like a big deal. When baby was born, I thought I would somehow feel up for it again after the initial haze lifted, but it just never happened.

I have no interest whatsoever and I don't see myself ever having sex again, which is a bit tricky, as I now really want another baby . DH is getting slightly impatient I think and I'm running out of ideas on how to change the subject when he brings it up. I had been hoping the porn he keeps downloading would keep his mind off things in the real world, but evidently it's not. I think he intentionally leaves traces of it on the computer to give me a hint, but I'm just not bothered by it. In fact, I wish he would just be happy with the porn.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Anything sexual anywhere, like a TV advert or the like just gets me fuming mad and stressed. I am still breastfeeding and I know it can make you less interested, but surely this is excessive?

I recently had a thyroid function test, but according to the doctor it was within the reference range. However, I've since learned that the TSH reading I had is considered boarderline in some countries. I don't know what to do really, as the doctor simply refused to do further tests. The first thing that came to my mind was "I don't want to keep trying for a baby for ages, if I have a thyroid problem, because then I'll have to have sex all the time!"

Aaah, what to do, what to do???!!!

Do you not think you should fix your relationship with DH first?? Before you add another baby into the mix.

Have you ever enjoyed sex with men? Prior to the conception of your ds, did you have an active sex life with your dh?

Ummm...

If the last time you had sex with your husband was when you conceived your first child I think it might be wise to consider looking at the reasons for that first before attempting to have another child.

Why don't you want to have sex with him? Almost two years is a pretty long time to go. What was your sex life like before you conceived your child? How is your relationship generally?

And really if you would genuinely be happy never to have sex again this might be information your life partner might want to be made aware of don't you think?

If you don't mind me asking. Are you depressed? Do you still love your husband? What is your relationship like in general.

Yes, I do and the thought makes me stressed out already..

I'm convinced there's something medically wrong with me. I seem to have such a strong aversion to sex and just thinking about having to do it gives me anxiety.

It's got nothing to do with DH, just me. I wish I could just "snap out of it", but I can't [sad}

IF your dh is happy to go without sex for the rest of his life (or at least the rest of his marriage to you), then I guess you could go about it via artificial insemination, diy or otherwise.

IF your dh isn't happy to go without sex for the rest of his life then I do think you need to be open about how you feel and whether or not it's something that you're considering looking in to. He can then make decisions on what he would like to do based on that information.

You may be able to do something about your libido via gp/counselling/working on things with your dh.

Surely far better for you to have how you feel out in the open, especially if it's something you would like to fix.

I would bet that your dh isn't feeling all that great about things at the moment either. He'd probably appreciate hearing that it's not him tbh.

Baloo - why don't you like sex?

Even just been penetrated (without being stimulated in any way) - doesn't it make you feel 'whole/complete'?

I think you are being very unfair to your DH, who deserves so much more. Does he know how you feel?

Life is such a contradiction. I love a bit of it - but got cheated on with someone who is quite a prude.

Here is Baloo, with her steadfast H.

A quick reply to say you are not alone :) unless you've been in this situation I think it's difficult to grasp how you can love your partner and have a healthy relationship but have no libido. And ignore anyone who suggests a bath and a glass of wine or getting all dressed up in sexy underwear as a solution........all I can suggest is being open and honest with your partner (thankfully mine is amazing) and going to the gp.....
Good luck! X

Is it an aversion to having sex or sexual stuff altogether? Might be a bit personal to answer but do you have sexual feelings at all? Fantasies, masturbate, anything like that?

I would imagine medically and so on would be a total loss of libido. But aversion to sex with your husband specifically is more of a relationship one potentially. For example when I was really unhappy with my ex I went right off sex with him and could not imagine doing it with him, but I was happy enough pleasing myself.....

You've posted about the lack of sex in your relationship, but not anything else.

Do you mind my asking what it's like in other areas? For example, are you like best friends? Do you work well as a team? How do you communicate in other areas? Is this an elephant in the room? Or is there a wider malaise?

If somebody doesn't like sex that's up to them. They decide whether they will have sex to have a child or try and have a child without having sex. Can't see the problem really.

I didn't mean that to sound unsympathetic. Only saying why feel guilty that you don't like sex.

Hello all and thank you so much for your replies. After having written my post I realised that just having written it down made me feel a little better.

I think I've been trying to just push the whole thing off my mind and seeing it all written down gave me a chance to exhale.

Reading all your replies has really made me realise that this is not normal. Although, thank you UltimateDetermination for letting me know I'm not alone with this (ultimately, that was what I wanted to see..).

Just to give you a bit of a background: I love my DH like a fat kid loves cake, simple as!! I know he feels the same way about me and we're best friends. I don't feel depressed and I'm quite happy with my life otherwise and love being a mummy. Of course, the first year has been tough learning about motherhood and adjusting to not working (I now work flexibly from home whenever it suits me..), but I don't feel it is really related to my sexlife (or the lack of it).

I used to enjoy sex and we had a healthy sexlife I think. Nothing spectacular, but no complaints really.

I am fully aware of how unfair this is on DH and it is part of the reason why it makes me so anxious just thinking about it.

glad you are happy in other ways, I think its back to the GP then really.

Good Luck,

Thank you, I think I need it..

So no one here, who's been in a similar situation?

Me! Completely, I love my husband and we have a great relationship but I think since having kids, sex feels a bit more linked to procreation and less to recreation! I also have 2 DDs and this hasn't helped as am a bit freaked out about the increasing availability of porn, perception of women etc - it's kind of bound up in my view of sex.

It's not a completely sexless marriage but it did come up in the conversation with a single friend once who was amused she had sex more often than I did. I suppose the difference may be that my DH is ok with it whereas you should have a chat with yours. It's tricky I know because if you don't want to have sex you probably aren't thrilled by the prospect of talking about it either.

It could also be that you aren't ready to have another baby yet. I really couldn't face it at that time although I viewed two years gap between DCs as the 'norm'. Had a three year gap in the end and finding that works really well for us.

You haven't said anything about DC's birth. How was it? A traumatic and/or painful birth can do awful things to your libido.

I'm thinking the issue might be psychological, from what you've said about being repulsed by sexy scenes on TV, etc. Basically you seem to have become a sexless prude (lazy phrasing, sorry) after feeling normal sexuality before having your baby. It's important to note, however, that hormonal imbalances can & do change the personality. You were right to suspect your thyroid and there are dozens of other hormonal changes associated with pregnancy and birth.

I know it's really hard to get an endocrinology referral from GPs - I'm still harassing mine - but a detailed hormone count would be your obvious next step. I don't know whether patients have the right to insist on a referral? Or could you try a different doctor?

You make good points, HereIGo.

Are on a hormOnal contraceptive?

Oh, finally someone! Thank you for sharing Nevertooearlyforcake !

Yes, I feel anxious and annoyed about the prospect of talking about it with DH let alone the GP. In fact, I normally have to bring DS to the GP, as DH works during the usual appointment times and just the thought of talking about this issue with a stranger whilst chasing after my toddler in the room makes me cringe..

I had a forceps delivery with DS and a prolapse and DH knew that this can sometimes cause pain with intercourse. So when I had a smear test last week and he asked me if it hurt, I suddenly just snapped and told him it was none of his business ! For some reason the idea of him wondering whether intercourse might be painful for me made me feel like I couldn't breathe. I did apologise after, but refused to talk about it more..

Hm, I hadn't thought about it in that way. I mean that I wouldn't be ready to have another baby yet. Yes, it is true that I've only fairly recently started thinking about it, but I've always wanted to have two children and not too far apart..

Previously other OPs who've experienced a similar distaste for sex have been advised to fake it till they make it.

Try reading erotic literature or, if you haven't already got one, invest in a rabbit or get busy playing with yourself to make sure your equipment is fully functioning.

Given that he hasn't got his rocks off with his dw for some 2 long years your dh sounds extremely forebearing, but, if you can't find it in yourself to give him a Saturday night treat worship him with your body , the least you can do is stop changing the subject when he raises it and be honest with him.

Oh wow i could have written your post OP. i'll be back in the morn to give you a proper reply as my eyelids are propped open on matchsticks feeding dd2.