Want to have DC2 but don't want sex

[Baloo1]

Right, so I'm posting on here, as I'm hoping to get at least one reply saying I'm not the only one going through this type of thing..

DS is 13 months old and we managed to "make" him on the first try nearly two years ago, which was the last time we had sex.

During pregnancy it was fine and I was always able to come up with some excuse and in any case DH found the idea a bit off-putting so it didn't feel like a big deal. When baby was born, I thought I would somehow feel up for it again after the initial haze lifted, but it just never happened.

I have no interest whatsoever and I don't see myself ever having sex again, which is a bit tricky, as I now really want another baby . DH is getting slightly impatient I think and I'm running out of ideas on how to change the subject when he brings it up. I had been hoping the porn he keeps downloading would keep his mind off things in the real world, but evidently it's not. I think he intentionally leaves traces of it on the computer to give me a hint, but I'm just not bothered by it. In fact, I wish he would just be happy with the porn.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Anything sexual anywhere, like a TV advert or the like just gets me fuming mad and stressed. I am still breastfeeding and I know it can make you less interested, but surely this is excessive?

I recently had a thyroid function test, but according to the doctor it was within the reference range. However, I've since learned that the TSH reading I had is considered boarderline in some countries. I don't know what to do really, as the doctor simply refused to do further tests. The first thing that came to my mind was "I don't want to keep trying for a baby for ages, if I have a thyroid problem, because then I'll have to have sex all the time!"

Aaah, what to do, what to do???!!!

Well it took me 3 yrs to properly get me sex drive back.... for me I now know if I am breastfeeding/pregnant or on hormonal contraception my libido is non existent. However now we are at it like rabbits again
I stopped breastfeeding at between 12 and 18 months with each child partly because of this so shoot me.

I would suggest a LARGE glass of wine and a meal out/ trip to cinema and child if possible farmed out. If possible go to where you used to go as a couple before children. then if you feel you can "fake it" as above. if not at least have a snog and a cuddle.

No. Don't try erotic literature and a rabbit...if OP isnt interested in sex then fiddling with herself won't bring that back. She needs to spend some time being herself imo.

As a parent it's easy to get so wrapped up in DC that we forget our own selves..OP some people just take longer to recover from childbirth and your son is only one. If I were you, I would begin by taking some time to myself...for whatever you like but it should be with no child in tow.

Your DH...he needs talking to...you need to try to write it down if you can't talk about it...and then try to book a night out together...go for meal or theatre or something stimulating that will help you see one another as more than parents.

And DO NOT "fake it". This is not 1849. You have no duty as far as sex goes. Sex comes with a loving and kind relationship and two people who are having fun together generally.

Breastfeeding killed my libido. Thankfully things got better for me after DS really got into solids, which was about 7-8 months. I then nightweaned him around a year andthat helped even more. I wouldn't suggest you must stop breastfeeding but might you benefit froma bit of breathing space? Is your LO clinging? That also dampened my ardour.

Finally, I do feel for your DH. If my H hadn't wanted sex with me for a year and didn't want to talk about it, I think I would feel lonely and worried. You should never have sex you don't wan't but if your DH is as lovely as he sounds I think you should go to your GP again and insist that s/he help you, refer you, whatever. If a man suffers a loss of libido they move heaven and earth. You and your H deserve a happy and fulfilling marriage. Insist on the help you need.

Yes, I had thought of stopping breastfeeding, but came to the conclusion that I'm not ready (and neither is DS). To be honest, I'm ready to put this problem on hold, if stopping breastfeeding is the only cure. I think stopping breastfeeding right now and dealing with a fussy DS, who I know would protest loudly would be too sad for me to handle..

Well, birth was pretty de-humanising to say the least, so maybe that might be part of the reason I'm experiencing this. Come to think of it, having the smear test was horrid and painful mainly because I kept flexing my muscles and couldn't relax. It's never been a big deal before, but now it felt like an invasion of privacy..

HereIGo I must say I agree with you to a certain point in that I previously (before baby) often found that doing it made me want it. I think that was mainly, because I often found that I was so busy with other things in life that I "forgot" about sex until I had it and I remembered how lovely it was. But now, I don't think that would work, as the idea of having to fake it makes me want to throw up..

Oh yes- go and do something fun with your H - cinema, rockclimbing, whatever you enjoyed as a couple before you became parents. You will be with him much longer than your DC are at home, if all goes well, so you may as well remind yourself why you like him :)

Thank you all so much for your replies. I feel so happy being able to talk about this finally!

Right now, I'm falling asleep on the computer though so will have to come back in the morning.

But thanks again everyone, it's really taken a load off my heart to know there are others going through this!

Would you consider talking through your traumatic birth with someone? I live overseas but remember reading about nhs help for those who experienced a traumatic birth and it sounds like things are linked up.

I could not even bear the thought of using tampons after the birth of my dd.
Even though I had a c-section, I think I was left slightly traumatised by two very painful sweeps and being bullied into having V.E's during labour.
I also think that sex became associated with pregnancy and childbirth rather than something I did for fun.
Oh and I had quite severe PND and anxiety. So yes, op, I know where you are coming from.

Blackcurrants, I believe there is specialist counselling for birth trauma in the UK and plenty of Mumsnetters will know how to access it :) This is what I was thinking, OP: when you've been through something shocking, painful and confusing it's not massively unreasonable for your mind (albeit at an unconscious level) to go "Whoa! What caused that? Avoid at all costs!? Some women's minds 'blame' the baby, some blame sex and some blame their partners. It's not a conscious, logical thing. But, in terms of unconscious self-protection, it's not at all unreasonable.

You can't really jolly yourself out of a trauma response but you can gently work your way past it with guidance. I think that, if there's something of this going on with you, you'll have an inkling about it and then you're free to move on and find the right support.

Yy to breastfeeding. Why does no-one tell you this! It took a couple of months after stoppping but it made a massive difference to my sex drive.

Re the thyroid, i was in the reference period for two years. I then started on a very low level of medication (now on quite high after 6 years). I became a randy teenager again. Push for even a low level of meds from you doctor - im assuming you also have some of tiredness, weight gain, bad skin/hair, constipation, bad periods, not just the sex thing so you can state how its affecting you.

Say how terrible it is, make him give you medication and possibly a referal to sex counselour. It can and will get sorted but maybe put dc 2 on the back burner for a few months!

Well you could try the old-fashioned method of closing your eyes and thinking of England. A lot of the self-help manuals recommend just getting back on the horse as the best method of getting back into the mood with a sexual relationship that has been dormant for a while. Think about whether you are willing to do that. If not, and there is an actual gut-reaction aversion there, you may have a subconcious issue that has only just started to raise it's head. Either way, going to Relate would probably help get you over this hurdle.

And have a hug.

I also think breastfeeding stamps on your libido, so that won't help.

I can understand your perspective, as I think it's easy for that 'ugh' when you have had a difficult birth/breastfeeding and feel your body isn't quite your own any more. However, I suspect if we asked your husband about your relationship, he would not paint it as happy as you, because he wants to have sex with his wife. Sorry, but I'd be very surprised if he was ok with it after two years.

I also think you haven't been entirely honest about the loss of sex, as you clearly weren't at it like rabbits before DS either if you only managed it once to conceive him.

If you read some of the threads on here from both men and women who are in sexless marriages, you will see why being an ostrich about it is unlikely to work, unless you are with someone who also doens't want sex, which is again unlikely from what you have said.

I do know people who I suspect had IVF to avoid having sex, but guess what, their relationship is as problematic now as it was before the birth of the child, because it's papering the cracks.

I worry you are fixing on breastfeeding as a good reason for your lost libido but actually sex was lost way before that. If you love your husband as much as cake (!) you may need to be really honest with him, but also him with you about what the lack of sex is doing here. It can also just be very habitual, but that doesn't mean you can't get into a new habit when the time is right.

Hello, i said i'd be back. I had my dd2 4 months ago and dh and i havent had sex since she was conceived. Through pregnancy i felt sick, uncomfy and tired and now breastfeeding literally stamps out any feelings i have.

I dont masterbate, fantasise etc as others asked, im just not interested whatsoever. I truly think its babies and breastfeeding rather than some subliminal trauma as i feel exactly as you do and havent had some traumatic birth.

If my dh even touches me it feels itchy and irritating rather than pleasureable but i get the same reaction if my dd1 (whos 3) tries to stroke my skin too. Its like i'm wired to the new baby and can only tolerate her on me. Once she's off, i'm all touched out. I dont want anyone on me, touching me, climbing on for a cuddle. It becomes suffocating and so dh gets pushed away too. If he put his arms around me and stays still fine, if he strokes me it feels like ants.

My dh is frustrated, he lets me know for sure. Buuuuut, i had exactly this feeling with dd1 and so we'd talked about it. He still moans, still reminds me that we havent had sex since may 2011!!! I try to explain its not him, it truly feels hormonal, that my body is completely switched off to anything sexual. Its like i'm falling in love with someone else, dd2, and theres no space for dh. I love him, i love him dearly but i can only tolerate dd2 on me.

But, i've been through this before and i know it goes away. Maybe its my body's way of naturally spacing children because although i wanted another dc desperately i didnt feel ready til she was 2.5. Things that got me back on track, after breastfeeding stopped were; time to myself- it was critical to be someone in my own right again to feel less stifled and pressured, making an effort on my appearance to boost my self confidence, dates with dh where we could talk again.

I do not recommend forcing yourself to do the deed or it'll build resentment with dh. Talk to him, show him this thread to show others feel the same as you.

Baloo I'm afraid I can't comment on the childbirth side of things but have noticed that you seem unable to speak to your husband about how you feel. Personally I think this is the first thing you need to address so it doesn't cause any misunderstandings in your relationship. Perhaps speak to a counsellor about that issue alone while you explore the ideas other posters have mentioned? If your husband knows what you're going through then that may ease the anxiety surrounding the sex issue and give you some breathing space.

Hi OP! It took a while to get my sex drive back after DS, so I can understand some of your feelings, but you don't seem just disinterested, but to have a real aversion to it, which is probably harder to deal with.
You should not have sex if you don't want to, definitely not.
However, I think you need to get over your understandable embarrassement and talk with your DH about your feelings, and his. It is very unfair on him to keep avoiding the subject like this, as I can imagine he is going to end up feeling rejected and isolated, which is not good for your marriage.
This must be sorted before you have another child, IMO.

"Breastfeeding can decimate ones libido."

It did for me. It came back with a vengeance when DD started on bottles. I couldn't believe how much difference it made. I'm not suggesting you stop bf, but this may give you hope.

I also think you haven't been entirely honest about the loss of sex, as you clearly weren't at it like rabbits before DS either if you only managed it once to conceive him. - That's a good point, Mumsy. Unless you went off sex straight after stopping contraception, activity must have been widely-spaced for you to know you conceived first time.

Other than the fact that this has been an issue since before your ds was born (you said During pregnancy it was fine and I was always able to come up with some excuse & that you need to try & work out why ), I would agree that breastfeeding doesn't help.

With dd1, she was ff from the start & my libido returned much quicker than with DD2, who bf from the off. For me, it was more about not being able to reconcile that my feeding body was also my sexual body. Like I couldn't nurture a baby & be intimate at the same time (not at the same time, obv). Being intimate felt wrong while I was feeding dd2 . But I did find that my feelings changed as soon as she stopped feeding from me.

I identify very strongly with this Baloo - I'm in a very similar position, although my DS is now nearly 18mo. I had quite a traumatic birth which I think is part of it, while I also struggle a bit with my identity since having DS - even though I got back into shape fairly quickly I don't feel as attractive as I used to and am very conscious of how my body has changed.

DH and I have also struggled to find time for each other as we both work full time - with that and our very active DS we're both knackered. We both agree we need to make time to get back on track but it's hard - you are not alone and I don't think this is necessarily that unusual or means there is something wrong in your relationship. That said, for me the issue is that although I'd like to get the physical side of my relationship back on track, I rarely feel like it's a good time to do it. Not wanting to is probably something which you need to get to the bottom of.

Have you ever come across asexuality.org? If this is something which you identify with it might be worth a look at the website.

If you are asexual then it could be worth a look just to reassure yourself that it's normal (if unusual) and that you're not "broken" - however it may potentially mean some big discussions and open up some huge holes in your relationship. If you are certain you never want sex again and sex is important to him, it's going to be hard to find a compromise.

Good evening all and sorry about the late reply: was working the whole of DS naptime today so only had a chance to come on here now.

Thank you once again for your replies and sharing your stories; you've really given me hope and reassurance in that I'm not the only one going through this.

Having had the chance to reflect on this a bit more I've decided that it's more than pregnancy and breasteeding. While DS is of course still young, he doesn't feed like a newborn anymore and takes quite a bit of solids, we're down to about 5 feeds/24 hours. Also I don't think I can attribute my tiredness to having a baby, as we co-sleep (probably not the best solution thinking of sex:))and DS generally sleeps through with the odd one feed a night and I always just shove the boobie in his mouth and continue sleeping.

I am convinced that this is something that has been going on for a while and while the difficult birth and adjusting to nursing and caring for a baby may have triggered this issue and brought it more to the surface, looking back I think you are right in suggesting that my sex drive has been low for a while even pre-baby. This is why I made a new appointment with the GP today and I am hoping to convince her to send me to have further thyroid tests done.

I've also decided to write a letter to DH explaining things, as I feel a bit overwhelmed with the thought of having to talk it through. Having written about this issue on here made me realise how much better I feel being able to finally express my feelings and I think writing it all down for him would mean that I can be more accurate. Of course, after I hope we can talk it through.

Thanks once again and best of luck to everyone struggling with these issues!

You are certainly not the only one. Don't want to be discouraging but my partner and I have recently separated and this was a factor. However I know of other couples with similar issues who stay together successfully (although it's not easy.) I do think it is fairer to discuss it although I know it is difficult. Good luck!

I wanted to add, for me 'faking it' didn't work and just made me feel way too compromised. But everyone's different.

I wanted to add, for me 'faking it' didn't work and just made me feel way too compromised. But everyone's different.