Would appreciate your thoughts on this as can't think clearly on what is the best thing to do.
I have been split up from him since she was 2 - she is now almost 14. It was an amicable split really and he has had her every other weekend since. He pays maintenance on time every month and is not in the slightest bit violent or aggressive. He lives with the woman he met very shortly after we split, so a 12 year relationship.
Anyway.. those are the good points! Here are the bad...
- For many years now our DD has slept on the sofa for the weekend when she is with him. His girlfriend has 2 kids and one has only recently left home, freeing up a bed. He 'couldn't be bothered' to get a sofa type/temporary bed. So, aged 8 or 9, she would still be up at midnight when he went to bed.
- He doesn't get out of bed until lunch time. Him and his girlfriend lay in bed until then, then he comes downstairs, makes a tray of food for them both and goes back upstairs where him and the g/f watch a dvd. He has done this for years now...leaving DD on her own , bored until at least 12/1pm. I have always ensured she packs books/laptop/kindle / toys over the years. This is every weekend more or less.
- He very rarely does anything with her, never takes her out. Maybe once every 3 or 4 months at a push to a Hungry Horse pub for dinner or to go shopping with him and his g/f. She is constantly bored.
- The comments over the years about me.... which brings me to the final straw [ I think! ] ... DD has told me many times that his girlfriend calls me a 'stupid cow' and other derogatory comments. This makes my DD feel awkward and upset.His girlfriend once said that i mouthed ' fuck off' to her across the street once. This is laughably untrue. I am pleasant, friendly if i see them and have no interest in either of them. Ive always, always promoted good relations between my ex and DD - calling him constantly to nag him to call her or attend a school play or to tell her 'well done' for a good school report.
Last week DD bumped into her dad and his g/f in town and mentioned that i was thinking about letting her have one more piercing in her ears and she said ' Mum doesn't really like it though so i'm having to try and get round her ... ' His g/f then said ' she wont let you? What a wanker she is ... '
DD came home and told me this so I called my ex. I was cool and polite but made it clear that this was unacceptable to me and that if they wished to call me a wanker would they please do it between themselves. He got very defesnsive, swearing at me and calling DD a liar and that the g/f never said this.
I replaced the handset as he was screaming at me to piss off and saying he wasnt putting up with DDs tale telling a moment longer. his gf then rang me ten minutes later... she said yes, she HAD called me a wanker and she was sorry but she just 'sometimes says these things' and 'doesn't think'... I said I appreciated the call to clarify, that i hoped this was the end of it and that they were to stop calling me names in front of dd.
The upshot is that my ex is not speaking to our DD. Childishly ignoring her really- no call, no text, blanked her for 40 minutes the other day when they were both at his other daughter's house.... He is VERY stubborn and ALWAYS sides with his g/f... he wont be cross with the g/f for calling me a wanker- he will be cross that DD told me.
DD is upset and says she no longer wishes to see him or spend the night there. Do I agree to this? Does this ratchet it all up? Do i make her go as usual?
WWYD?