‘I didn’t want this I fucked up’

[KirstyWirsty]

I emailed and offered STBXH some extra time with DD7 this Sunday a couple of weeks ago as it is Fathers? Day and he hadn?t responded so I texted him yesterday to ask if he wanted to see her or not?

He replied of course he wanted to see her on Sunday and that he only has ?limited time? with her (he has her 3 nights a week) and that he ?wish(ed) things were better?

I replied that this was ?what he had wanted? (He had an affair ?they were madly in love .. it was going to be butterflies and happily ever after from now on)

His response to that was ?I didn?t want this I fucked up?

I haven?t replied as yet as I am not sure what he expected things to be like? Surely he must have known that he wouldn?t be best friends with me and getting to see DD every day?

We?re just coming up to 6 months since I found proof of the denied affair - Is this the next chapter of the script?

Do you even need to reply to him?

Yes he fucked up. It's a statement, doesn't need a discussion. It's up to him to deal with it, not you.

The 'Poor Me - Full of Remorse - Pity Party' chapter, perhaps? I wouldn't engage in that type of conversation tbh. If you wanted to cut it short the phrase 'you make your bed, you lie in it' is probably apt.

Yup, it is. Hold strong and remember this man thought so little of you six months ago he couldn't even give you truth never mind fidelity. If you are going to reply I would probably go with something like "yes, you did. It is a shame. So what time are you collecting in Sunday" but honestly I would just stick to child talk and ignore any/all references to your relationship.

What Brain said. It's just a statement, not an invitation to a discussion.

This is the stage where he wants a pity party and you enlist the services of the worlds smallest violinist.

Even if it is an invitation to a discussion, you can choose to view it as a simple statement of fact. Which it is. He didn't "want" divorce and reduced contact with his daughter, no: he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. Too bad for him for not thinking through the consequences of that.

Don't engage any further: that way just lies emotional torture. Let the text remain unanswered; it doesn't require a response from you.

Hi Kirsty,
have read your posts on other threads and know you are coping well and dealing with the sh*t very well ((hugs)).

Unfortunately yes, this is the typical script. My XH has just yesterday received my financial offer letter (divorced in feb but finances still ongoing as he decided to hide £12k in premium bonds in his mothers name!). Yes this is the person i no longer know, who went off with a friend of ours and ruined 2 marriages. Who text me last night to say that if I have to move my DS from school it is MY fault (clearly not his for making me have to sell the marital home and all that entails because he chose to have an affair!).

As the others said, don't even reply to it... he knows the answer, he has to face up to the consequences of his actions and he doesn't need you to affirm the truth, even though it would be so tempting to rub it in.

There is no we now, its you and me... that's the phrase I keep repeating to myself. I will stay strong for my DS and we will move forward and I am so grateful to all the MNs post etc that have helped with this. We as mum's have the DCs to focus us on moving forward.

Keep up the good work x

Kirsty,

I think your comment "this is what you wanted" is pretty aggressive. All he has replied with is, at least in his mind (and maybe, in reality), the truth. He is not asking for a second chance or begging, merely stating that he did not want to see so little of his daughter.

This is another case (as in so many of these threads) where both of you need to put your daughter first and engage as decently as possible as co-parents.

Wise sorry you're still going through the rubbish - hopefully you'll come through the other side soon

Larry The tone wasn't like that at all .. it was ' this is what you wanted Fred' - sad not aggressive! He has DD 3 nights a week and I have offered extra time for Fathers' Day and before DD and I go on holiday .. I have also have had to prompt him to take DD for a week during the summer holidays .. I am being more than reasonable and will never use my daughter as a pawn. Everything I do (including being civil to him) is done with my DD in mind. I invite him along to things that she does as SHE would want him to be there.

At the end of the day though he was the one who chose to have the affair and therefore not get to see his daughter every day - not me!

BUt larry, it IS what he wanted.

He wanted to have an affair knowing that it would risk his marriage and his relationship with his DD (in terms of seeing her every day), but he wanted the affair so he chose this. It isnt what the OP wanted either, but she didnt get any choice.

I dont think that pointing that out to him, when he is trying to lay a load of emotional crap on the her is in any way "aggressive" (seriously?!). The truth hurts I'm afraid. And incidentally, 3 nights a week isnt "so little", it is almost 50% of the week, something that alot of fathers either dont get or dont want. Its just emotional bullshit because he is feeling sorry for himself when Shangri La didnt turn out to be quite as perfect as he thought it would.

OP, I agree with the post above that what he probably wanted was to have you and DD at home for him while he got his jollies somewhere else. I very much doubt he wanted to leave and be divorced. Just a hunch but did he only say that he was madly in love with OW after you made it clear that your marriage was over? Thats part of the script too, its amazing how often "She meant nothing to me, it was just a bit of fun" can turn into "We are soul mates, I love her in a way I never loved you" as soon as they realise that you really are ending the marriage. Be prepared for the next stage which will be him wanting to come back, as it sounds like the hearts and flowers have already wilted........

I think 'yes you did. Sunday it is then' would suffice

Tbh Bronze, I wouldnt give him the satisfaction of acknowledging his self pity. I would just go with "OK, see you Sunday".

You cant have a proper pity party if no one turns up

Bogey,

You are assuming that he acted totally rationally in going into the affair. Yes, I can see that he risked it as a consequence. But, that is entirely different to wanting it.

I don't get what good "the truth" (or otherwise) does. He has paid the price for his affair, they have split up and he does not see as much of his daughter as he would want to. Yes, that is entirely his "fault", though, again, I am not sure what use allocating fault serves. Schadenfreude that his Shangri La is not as he imagined it is perfectly reasonable, but it is best internalised.

Kirsty,

I understand what you are saying about tone but, unfortunately, in the world of text and e mail, the tone you intended and the tone the other person perceives are not necessarily the same.

Who cares how he feels? Who cares if the truth hurts him?

Why the fuck should the OP be guest of honour at this pity party just because she had the good sense to kick him to the kerb when he treated her so badly? I dont get the idea that she should be sensitive to the poor flower. If he didnt want to hear the truth then he shouldnt be sending her these frankly pathetic messages.

It comes down the fact that he had a choice. He chose this life and if he doesnt like it then tough, deal with it. If he starts feeling sorry for himself then common sense should be telling him that the absolute LAST person he should be discussing it with is the woman who's world he tore apart with his selfishness.

Had she taken it on herself to tell him this, then you might have a point, but as she was only responding to the "oh poor me" messages he sent her then I have no sympathy at all for him.

Dont pick the scab if you dont want it to bleed.

Oh and Larry you might want to read the thread about the cheaters "script". This is part of it, he is following it to the letter.

Bogeyface,

Where did I suggest she should be? However, when you say "hear the truth" and phrases like that, again I will ask, to what end? How does it serve anyone to tell him the truth? The OP and her ex no longer have a relationship except as co-parents. So, just ignore the text, end of. Deal with the day-to-day tasks of co parenting. No need to have any relationship beyond that.

Again, not sure I see the relevance of the cheater's "script". That is only relevant in cases where the OP is considering getting back together.

I tend to agree with larry

Reacting to this will only add fuel to the fire. Just take it as a statement that he has realised he has fucked up. Which he has. But you dot need to tell him that.

The only thing you are responsible for is maintaining a good relationship as parents to your dd. it sounds like you are doing well there so just keep going and ignore any attempt to pull you into any other part of his life.

If he sad he's sad that he doesn't see dd so much then just say that the contact arrangement is fair.

Don't give it any more thought. Don't give him any more thought!!!

So your saying that she should just put up with this crap and not bother telling him that he asked for it so he should deal with it? For how long? By making her position clear ie: tough, no sympathy, you chose this, get over it, she is leaving him in no doubt that his attempts at emotional blackmail will not be tolerated.

I take it you have never been in the OPs position, otherwise you would understand the anger that comes when the person who tore down everything you held dear suddenly starts with the "Woe is me" crap. The OP has more right to be feeling sorry for herself but she isnt texting him with her misery is she?

6 months after discovery, getting used to being a single parent, having your history rewritten and everything you thought you could rely has been destroyed and you think she should just internalise it? You are unbelievable!

I think ignoring it sends a more powerful message than responding

Pfft.... he only gets to see his DD 3 nights a week. Well Kirsty only gets to see her DD 4 days a week instead of the 7 because he fucked up. She loses out too, so he can just sod off.

I dont think she should respond to the "I fucked up" as she has made her feelings clear. I am just responding to Larrys accusation of aggression to her "THis is what you wanted" text.

Very good point chitchat

Bogey,

No, luckily, not been in that position. However, I like to imagine that once I had made the decision to end the relationship, everything from that point would flow towards maintaining a successful co-parenting relationship for the sake of my children.

Emotional incontinence has not always been considered an acceptable way to behave (not that I am accusing the OP of this based on one text which she clearly meant differently). It is quite a modern thing and I hate the way the MN relationship board actively encourages it. Sure, you get your revenge, then what? What is the goal with all this anger, Bogey? How does it help your children or even yourself?

Again, not sure I see the relevance of the cheater's "script". That is only relevant in cases where the OP is considering getting back together.

That's a very naive statement that lacks emotional intelligence about people's continued need for understanding and closure when a relationship ends.

Kirsty I would ignore what he's said and just concentrate on making the arrangements, but of course you now have the satisfaction of realising that yes this is what often happens once the shine of an illicit relationship has worn off and the 'soulmates' are having an ordinary, open relationship.

Of course this isn't what he wanted, he's telling the truth about that. He only claimed it was what he wanted when he was out of alternatives. What he actually wanted was to continue an affair from the safety and security of hearth and home; a choice that would have left you stuck in a relationship with an emotionally absent man, but who wouldn't tell you why he was that way.

He's living in real-life now, but so are you. You both see your daughter less than you did before, you both probably have less money to go round and for you, you've lost a romantic and sexual partner. Your losses are greater and never forget that while he cries into his phone about how unfair life is....for him despite the fact that his actions brought all this to pass.

It's probably only now occurring to him that you might meet someone else and I'd judge that he's noticed something a bit different about you lately....perhaps you're not sounding or looking quite as broken as before and there's a tangible sense that you've come out of the horror of recent months and are seeing possibilities and opportunities.

So he tries to yank your chain again because I bet it will kill him if you meet someone else.

So if necessary just state that you don't want to discuss your past relationship because you've moved on from that now and are looking to the future. Remind him that the only reason you're now in contact with him at all is your daughter.

I like to imagine that once I had made the decision to end the relationship, everything from that point would flow towards maintaining a successful co-parenting relationship for the sake of my children.

Imagine away! We all did that once. Then we got our lives torn apart and we realised that reality just aint that kind. Imagination doesnt understand pain, white hot pain coursing through you every time you see or hear or think about your OH. It doesnt allow for the anger that you have done your all to keep your family together only for it all to come apart at the seams by selfishness. Imagination assumes control and cant understand the raging that goes on in your head or the total loss of control that sometimes happens.

You dont know what you are talking about, and I pray for your sake that you never do.