‘I didn’t want this I fucked up’

[KirstyWirsty]

I emailed and offered STBXH some extra time with DD7 this Sunday a couple of weeks ago as it is Fathers? Day and he hadn?t responded so I texted him yesterday to ask if he wanted to see her or not?

He replied of course he wanted to see her on Sunday and that he only has ?limited time? with her (he has her 3 nights a week) and that he ?wish(ed) things were better?

I replied that this was ?what he had wanted? (He had an affair ?they were madly in love .. it was going to be butterflies and happily ever after from now on)

His response to that was ?I didn?t want this I fucked up?

I haven?t replied as yet as I am not sure what he expected things to be like? Surely he must have known that he wouldn?t be best friends with me and getting to see DD every day?

We?re just coming up to 6 months since I found proof of the denied affair - Is this the next chapter of the script?

Yes he did fuck up. Consequences are SUCH a bitch. But what did he think was going to happen?

Kirsty Wirsty, you are the one in control now. So the real situation is: what do you want? Would you like to get back with him in the happy event that HE GREW THE FUCK UP and found a pair, or is this something you can never forgive?

I am not going like the rest of MN assume that men have no humanity or redeemable features whatsoever, and that I know your answer, and tell you what to do. What would you like, Kirsty? Because YOU can shape the expectations from here on.

If it is the latter, ignore.

If it is the former, require that he start counselling NOW, whilst separated, to examine to himself why he chose the course he did. And then, when a little bit of work has been done, for him to explain that to you with huge apologies and remorse without any dishonesty or excuses.

Where he is now is called 'the death zone'. This is where what they have mindlessly thrown away in the haste to access OWs twat, is being lived.

(The HUGE mistake I made, was to let him come back too soon. If you would like to spend your life with a more mature version of what you had, I mean).

When you respond to him do NOT be abusive. This is the time for dignity and being above him.

I do struggle with this. When someone has an affair and it leads to a marriage break up it is because they don't want to see you everyday, not the children. I completely understand that marriage break ups mean that children cannot live with both 100% and that dividing the time in the best interests of the child is complicated. However, they were not unfaithful to the child but to the child's other parent.

I do take issue with using the children to point score (not saying that you're necessarily doing that Kirsty, it's just an observation.

But Larry, its great in theory, everyone being emotionless etc. Actually this man did something that broke up a family and it is natural for the OP to feel anger. I wouldn't reply at all, he needs to come to terms with his choices, just focus on you and your child.

I think they betray the whole family to some extent, by putting their wishes first, doing something they promised they wouldn't. I also think discussed breakups are different to affairs, they have different impacts due to the betrayal aspect.

Kirsty

surely if your ex was so so fussed about seeing his daughter he would have immediately replied to your kind and considerate offer for extra time on sunday?

I'd ignore the self-pity

Stern On the 3 days DD is with her dad I've been going to the gym , I got my hair cut into a dramtically different style almost as soon as I found out about the aafair (it was almost a compulsion to get it cut) and I've brightened up my warddrobe instead of wearing a lot of black I wear a lot more colour so you might say I'm looking a bit different - I feel like a different person!

Abitwobbly I don't want to have him back ever - He's a liar and a cheat and I deserve better than that. He is still DDs dad though and remain as civil as I can with him.

I actually wonder if this is a good point to ask him to sort out the separation agreement (as he's been dragging his heels on this)as he now at least acknowledges that he was the one who 'fucked up' and then I can just get the divorce done and dusted

There's your answer then Kirsty. He's seen you flourish and at the same time, things have become er...normal and everyday with the OW.

It is a very good time to formalise things, so seize the opportunity. There really is no reason for a delay and it will reinforce to ex that you have moved on.

Expect a few more self-pitying statements though and resist the urge to comment or engage. It's best just to stick to a co-parenting relationship now and refuse to engage about the whys and wherefores of your relationship, or what I predict will happen.......the problems in his current relationship now the shine's worn off.

I totally agree with stern.

You look amazing, you are coping well without him, you showed a strength he probably never thought you had when you binned him off and added to all that, his OW doesnt look as sexy when she wakes up with mascara down her face and dogbreath!

When he says he regrets it, he probably means it. But thats not your problem!

I would respon 'True. What time do you want to collect DD?'.

Wow you are so together, well done! You are sure and clear in moving forward.

Spend a delightful 5 minutes replying,

yes, you did fuck up. But what did you think was going to happen? Sorry you are hurting, but remember that boring concept called God and his very boring rule 'don't commit adultery'? He didn't say that to be a killjoy he was WARNING you this is what happens when you hurt people.

I hope you learn from this and grow up to become a better human being and never do this to anyone ever again. But having discovered this selfish part of your character, I wonder. Have a nice life.

Resist the temptation to forward the entire message including his regret to OW and

Delete.

I just texted him 'Does 12 noon suit to pick DD up and you can drop her back on your way to nightshift'

That will do him - not interested in anything else.

Good for you OP. You've decided the relationship is over and you're not getting involved in his bullshittery.

Good one Kirsty :)

But do be prepared for accusations that you dont care how he feels (we fucking DUH!), you selfish witch you :o

well not we!

I don't Bogey unless it is concerning DD!

i always say there is someone for everyone and that includes yorself is all about u an ur daughter.things do get better in time good luck.

good text. well done.

Jolly glad to hear it!

My H walked out on us and I told him that the consequences if his actions mean that he cannot see his daughter every day. He sees her on a weds if he's not working and every Sunday. He misses her a lot and would see her more but has to accept that he chose to well away snd not be s le to see her every day.

Stupid phone! He chose to WALK away and not be ABLE to see her every day

Good text Kirsty.

Kirsty you need to give life coaching to the rest of us feeble enmeshed morons

Awesome!

Abitwobbly I'm just trying to be sensible .. but thanks for the compliment! :)

100% sure that you are better off without him.

Yes he fucked up...(you don't need to answer that one for him)

Larry, is poor wee husband who messed up his own life by being deceitful and unfaithful so so sensitive?? 'it's what you wanted' isn't aggressive...just factual from how it reads to me.

Go KW!!

Thanks Lovingfreedom .. you've heard it first hand already today .. it was good to catch up.

To everyone else .. we were talking at lunchtime about how great this board is and what a great support it has been while we've been going through all this nonsense so thanks to all of you