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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

im a clingy needy girlfriend and i need to get a life !!!!!!!!!

72 replies

muma3 · 23/02/2006 19:05

just stopped crying
not sure if this is because i have no family and hardly any friends an because i am so in love with dp or just because i need to get a grip
dp just gone out with a friend and i find myself feeling completely rejected. we havent been out together for nearly 2 years so i know that is a problem . every time he goes out i feel its because he doesnt want to be with me . i sulk and strop and hardly say goodbye. as soon as he is out the door i burst into tears
i am WIERD !
i need a life i know i do and i just cant find time . not one for playgroups and have sapled mums and tots to the point where i ran my own but i just dont like them . i want to be with him all the time . i am suffocating him and i know im getting obsessive .
WHAT CAN I DO ?
i need to sort this out because i know he needs space but i want him to do things with me too .

omg i sound like a maniac now
help

be gentle feel like poo

OP posts:
Original poster
muma3 · 23/02/2006 19:08

i need a new out look on the situation and some kind words to say to dp when he gets home
helpppppppppppppp

OP posts:
compo · 23/02/2006 19:10

Maybe you need counselling? It sounds like you are in danger of driving him away. What about doing something on your own once a week in the evenings like a cookery course or yoga?

Original poster
muma3 · 23/02/2006 19:24

counselling ? really i didnt even consider it .
am i really going bonkers?

OP posts:
crazydazy · 23/02/2006 19:29

Like you say muma you are relying on him for your lifeline thats why you need him so much. If you had your own friends/interests maybe you wouldn't need him as much.

I wouldn't say kind things to him but not be nasty either. Just give him the impression that you are not dull and boring (which I am sure you are not) and you have got a life......try and get yourself out more often.

This is what I would do but everyone is different.

mistressmiggins · 23/02/2006 19:30

hi muma3
how old is your LO(s)?
could you have PND?

the crying when hes gone out the door sounds familiar

you should try to talk to someone - have you told him how you feel?

tribpot · 23/02/2006 19:31

Muma, you've been having some issues with dp I know, but then again you have a hell of a lot to deal with, with a wee Junie dd3, a dd1 who has had to be taken out of school because she was the victim of bullying, and dd2 has asthma and maybe some other medical problems I think? That is a LOT to be dealing with. And I assume dp is not the dad of dds1 & 2.

You are absolutely entitled to some quality time just you and dp, and you are even more absolutely entitled to some quality time just for you, whilst he watches the kids. Where are you in all this? He can't just go out and leave you in charge all the time and expect you to be fine.

Why do you think you are getting obsessive, is it because he is the only adult in your life? (I know how that feels, btw). When he goes out, he is leaving you with everything to cope with. I just don't think that's fair.

hunkermunker · 23/02/2006 19:32

It sounds like you need to find some friends of your own - but I do know what you mean about mum and tot groups - they can be appalling.

Do yuo have any hobbies? Anything you've ever hankered after learning? Can you join a gym?

If you don't let him have a night out without getting upset, you will push him away.

fastasleep · 23/02/2006 19:34

Muma, I was just like this, I thought there was something horribly wrong with me but in reality it was because I didn't have any friends at all and I barely ever left the house... I was newish to the area and didn't have a clue what to do with myself after I married DH and got pregnant straight away...

I found it quite hard, you know, 'returning to socialisation' lol but honestly playgroups can be a godsend, as can the meet-up board on here! If it wasn't for those two things I'd still be sobbing when DH left for work in the morning and I'd only ever go to the park!

You are not unusual in any way! xxx

fastasleep · 23/02/2006 19:35

Yes! Join an evening class too! Salsa? Learning to use a sewing machine? Yoga? Aerobics? Painting? Silver smithing? Oh don't get me started...

If you're skint don't think about the money a course will cost because it would benefit you so much that it would be worth it I promise you... you just have to bite the bullet and throw yourself at something!

Original poster
muma3 · 23/02/2006 19:36

tribpot- with out meaning too you have made me cry again . not knowing me and getting it all so right is a amazing qauilty of yours and i appreciate so much that you understand . i feel so low at moment (no pnd just pmt at present )
i feel fat and boring and i just want to shout "oi im here and desperate for your attention" . he knows i get upset when he goes out but trys to ressure me at no use. i want him to have a life but i feel left in shadows all the time .
i dont want to be so needy all the time and just want to be secure and happy in myself to be relaxed when he needs "his time"
does that make sense? having trouble seeing screen with teary eyes sorry

OP posts:
JiminyCricket · 23/02/2006 19:42

Tackle the sulking first.

Either force yourself to be pleasant or explain to dp that you want to be honest about your feelings and force yourself to tell him every time you feel like this (in a "I'm going to say it, but I don't expect you to do anything about it kind of way" iyswim - let him know that you will take responsibility for the feelings, but that telling him will help you to do this - only if your partner is understanding though). It takes the strength out of the feeling, because saying it to someone else makes you hear it more like they hear it, and so the feeling gets more manageable.

When I was pregnant/breastfeeding/staying in with the baby I used to feel fuming that dh was out doing sport etc when i wished I could be, but I realised it wasn't his fault and that actually I don't want to be married to someone who doesn't have any interests outside the family, (and then that made me think that he probably wouldn't want to be married to someone who didn't have any outside interests) so i started to force myself to go out swimming/walking/meet up with friends/anything I could do physically or wanted to do, plus asking him to give me a little regular 'time off' at the weekends to get hair cut/go shopping/anything that makes me feel human again.

Sorry I'm waffling, but i just mean to say that i know these feelings are really painful, but they are also really damaging, so do try to tackle them by boosting your own self-esteem. Can you plan something enjoyable for when he goes out (a long hot bath, a chat on the phone with a friend or relative, even just a coffee and a magazine you really enjoy) so that as soon as he goes out the door you have a distraction that indulges you? Nothing worse than staying at home doing the chores while someone else has fun. HTH

Original poster
muma3 · 23/02/2006 19:46

just being stupid aint i ?
sound like a right bloody idiot just feeling pretty low and need to sort my life out pronto but how? evening classes arent really an option - i dont drive and would have to travel quite far to get to local college - money would also be an issue. free course - will find out but transport again. have a few friends that are always willing to have me round for a cuppa but i just want a god damn life . they may be happy with just sitting on there arses all day and not socialising but im not .they are happy to stay in their homes all day . im not a bloody cleaner or nanny . i was me before i had kids or met dp . where have i gone so wrong??
thought about eve job when kids go bed just so i could meet people but it just wouldnt benefit us financially and prob be worse off iyswim.
i need a whole new life change
HELP

OP posts:
JiminyCricket · 23/02/2006 20:05

not stupid, sounds like you're just stuck - you've worked out that things need to change, now you just need to work out what your first move is

tribpot · 23/02/2006 20:05

Oh muma3 I am sorry, although maybe if some of the things I've said help you better understand why you're upset, it's kind of a good thing even though obviously my intention was not to make you cry!

I think you are right in the title of this thread: you do need to get a life. The question is, how is dp going to support you in doing that? How often is he going out? (I talked to my dh about this and he said "I don't get to go out on my own" to which I replied "because you are physically unable to leave the house, not because I stop you" "Oh yes"). You need to feel fulfilled as a human being, and being the mum to three gorgeous girls is great, but wanting to be more than that is quite natural and understandable.

If money is an issue, how is dp getting to go out without you on a regular basis? Don't sell me the "he earns it so he should spend it" story - I really hope that's not the case.

It may sound mad, but if you could get a job in the day that would break even after childcare costs, it might be well worth doing for your own self-esteem and sanity. What about a part-time thing a few hours each afternoon?

However, you still need to address why dp is content to go out on his own and not do things the two of you - can anyone come in to babysit one evening when the little ones are asleep? At least then you could go out for a meal or a drink together and be a couple. (Ironically, I have a babysitter lined up but dh is too ill to go out, so I might as well not bother!)

nightowl · 23/02/2006 20:26

muma3 i do sympathise because i know exactly what it feels like to be stuck in the house, wondering where your life has gone. (have felt much like this since being a single parent). but i have seen this "from the other side" as such too. my ex partner felt just how you seem to. i always went out with my friends once a week. not because i didnt love him...i loved him very much. but i needed my own life too and i didnt think it was healthy to live in each others pockets. every time guaranteed, he would start a row. he never said it was because i was going out but i knew thats what it was. i couldnt understand why he got so riled, i never had any intention of cheating on him..i just wanted to see my friends too. in the end it got too much but me being me, it didnt stop me going out, it just made me resent him. i felt suffocated.

how often is he going out? what is the reason you dont go out together? (sorry for being so nosey).

Original poster
muma3 · 23/02/2006 20:32

tribpot - pleasedont feel guilty it was just relief that someone could see how i was feeling . writing it on a post means it can be seen in all different lights and i was concerned this may happen .
he normally goes to football twice a week and then occasional goes to play snooker with a friend so nothing that costs money really . selfish i know but he isnt really tuned it to my needs or feelings and knows i have a problem but still wont do anything to help . "i am happy so what is there to worry about " kinda attitude. he needs to have his space and so he does but the way i feel about it all doesnt seem to impact him at all . tbh what can he do ? i wouldnt want him to stop going out burt just to recognise my needs really.
i am going to make (try to make ) some positive plans in the morning and make him see im cracking up and need some time out too . not sure how i can do this or what i shall do to have "my time " (walk the streets for an hour lol) but i will have a think about it .
im getting desperate here and really do need to change things and do it now but the solutions are not going to come easily.
i think also i love being around the children and dp so i dont like leaving them . old habits die hard and i need to break this i suppose. they are my security blanket and all i have and i have forgotten i am a person in my own right

things have really gone to pot .
ARGHHHHHHHHHHH

OP posts:
tribpot · 23/02/2006 21:18

Muma3, I guarantee snooker and football are not free. Is he having a few drinks, even soft ones, whilst he's out? That all adds up. And god, which mum of an 8-month old baby is going out 2-3 times a week? I've been out twice since ds was born.

What can he do? He can damn well stay in so that you can go out, or even just have a relaxing bath with a good book without worrying about dealing with one of the kids. He's so happy so there's nothing to worry about? Only in the world where only his feelings matter.

If he knows you have a problem, but won't do anything to help, he needs a bit of an arse-kicking if you don't mind me saying. It's not all snooker and football with the lads, he has a family now more than ever.

Original poster
muma3 · 23/02/2006 22:12

ok i have a tenner and tmw to myself what can i do?

OP posts:
Original poster
muma3 · 23/02/2006 22:21

bump

OP posts:
expectingsummerihope · 23/02/2006 22:30

sorry to hear things are bad mama3. We had a mild clash on the other thread yesterday and now i feel bad as you are obviously quite low. You were saying that you feel pre school children need their parent with them and that if finances are a problem part time work is an option. If you worked part time (i.e when dp is there to look after kids) you would have some extra money and be meeting other adults (and maybe even enjoy the work). If you are unhappy your kids will sense it so I hope you are able to sort this out with your partner. It's not an easy lot being a mum is it

Original poster
muma3 · 23/02/2006 22:34

thanks expectingsummerihope-
i really dont want to go to work . i just need something to make me feel like a person again iyswim. i have lost my identity and independance and i need to be me
i am too dependent on my dp and kids to keep me safe from world and in the same breath i want to get out there. i do feel trapped in my home but also i enjoy being round my family. i sound really hypocritical but i need to break free and find myself again

honestly dont feel bad this has been there a while but as just reared its ugly head again.

OP posts:
mummytosteven · 24/02/2006 09:09

with a tenner, I would go to a matinee at the cinema and have a coffee and cake at a coffee shop afterwards.

just off the top of my head:-
you could join a bookgroup - local libraries/Waterstones seem to have these
start going to the council gym or swimming pool- just pay per time to use it, no membership/monthly fees
start going to an evening class at college/dance class

Beetroot · 24/02/2006 09:13

HOw old are you muma

tribpot · 24/02/2006 10:05

Cinema definitely, I haven't been able to go since ds was born, it's gutting!

Hope you are feeling better today Muma3.

Original poster
muma3 · 24/02/2006 10:45

woke up to dd3 teething pretty bad. dont think i will be going out today . plus the weather is really bad. sounds like excuses but really dd3 is quite poorly just got her to sleep to catch up here.
could go cinema , maybe tmw i will.

beetroot-im 23 years old why do you ask?

OP posts:
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