im a clingy needy girlfriend and i need to get a life !!!!!!!!!

[muma3]

just stopped crying
not sure if this is because i have no family and hardly any friends an because i am so in love with dp or just because i need to get a grip
dp just gone out with a friend and i find myself feeling completely rejected. we havent been out together for nearly 2 years so i know that is a problem . every time he goes out i feel its because he doesnt want to be with me . i sulk and strop and hardly say goodbye. as soon as he is out the door i burst into tears
i am WIERD !
i need a life i know i do and i just cant find time . not one for playgroups and have sapled mums and tots to the point where i ran my own but i just dont like them . i want to be with him all the time . i am suffocating him and i know im getting obsessive .
WHAT CAN I DO ?
i need to sort this out because i know he needs space but i want him to do things with me too .

omg i sound like a maniac now
help

be gentle feel like poo

With a tenner and a bit of time to myself I would go to a bar, have a couple of large glasses of wine and read the papers/magazines provided (but alcohol not always a good idea when you're feeling down). Cinema good suggestion. Baby teething .....great just what you need when you're feeling like shite!

isnt there anyone that can baby sit even for an hour? so you and dp can get out for a bit?

i do know how you feel i have been there and my dp is the one telling me to go out (i like staying in) when i do go out i do feel lots better about myself. Even a walk around town (even if its not to buy anything can do you good)

Have you got anyone who could go for a coffee with you - an old friend you havent seen for ages? id say sod the coffee and go out on the p*ss round town tonight?

if dp comments then just say this is going to have a good effect on you in the long run because if i build my social circle back up then i will have friends that will come and keep me company while you go out.

feel like sh*t today havent got dressed and i cant be bothered to do anything. i have made an appointment for the docs monday as i can feel myself getting worse . IM DEPRESSED . bloody hard to admit that i feel like this . was taking pill for 2 months solid and have just stopped and started my period so i think that has a lot to do with my mood just lately. i a, giving dp such a hard time and he doesnt know what he can do to make me feel better . i just need to feel special and important and at the moment i dont .
i have just sent dp to asda to get the biggest chocolate cake ever and some whipping cream and a bottle of hock (cheap tacky but does the job)

this might jsut be a stage im going through at the moment and might get over it soon but i have good days and bad days and the bad days are getting more and more frequent iykwim.
fat boring, got horrible skin, never want sex (cant remember the last time and this is a big issue at the mo)havent got any nice clothes or shoes, never can be bothered to entertain kids for more then 30mins and i dont want to go out the house or see anyone.

sounds like im depressed to me ??

Blimey muma3 you must be depressed if you are willing to consider drinking hock Just teasing. It sounds like you are really down, choc cake can only be a good thing, and a trip to the GP should also be beneficial.

How can dp make you feel special and important? Could he take you out for a nice meal, or cook you a nice meal at home? (Cripes, I would even settle for dh ordering me a takeaway )

I had forgotten you were so young, btw, younger than my half-sister, who couldn't look after a houseplant never mind 3 children! (Actually my own record with houseplants is pretty rubbish, good job ds is more robust).

Hi muma3, This all sounds very familiar. I'm not nearly as depressed as you but get down for all the same reasons, feeling like I've got no life, knowing that i need to do something but not knowing what or how, etc. I am a single mum who has a boyf so it's an entirely different situation, but tbh because he has such a busy social life (and i do do quite well in getting out with him sometimes I must admit) it just highlights how much of a life of my own i DON'T have!

I think I have concluded for myself that i should look for part time work, tbh, although i wanted to be a SAHM (and generally i am very happy being a sahm) until dd settled into her free nursery place at 3yo (she's 2.6). But sometimes i think i will just go mad if i don't start working soon - that's the only way i can think of to cut off from the mum side of my life tbh. anything else i could do is too complicated cos it involves getting babysitting help which just makes me even more depressed cos i hate asking for help, and it makes me reliant on other people, working would be an entirely independent thing! -- but you definitely have to arrange for your dp to stay in so you can have time to yourself, he ought to understand that need as he has it himself! Have you actually talked to him about it in relation to just yourself, rather than in the clingy way you described? Sounds like he prob just thinks you don't want him to go out, but actually you want a life yourself. Also agree with others that it is important that you & dp get time for the both of you too.

By all means go to the doc on mon though, if the very low feeling you describe in your last post has been there for a long time. I know how you feel but those sorts of lows normally subside quickly with me and i usually put it down to hormones...

ok the choc cake and hock are working . im feeling better . i know this will be short lived though and in th morning i will be wondering about my new life and how to get it (probably with a hangover )

like i said i have good and bad days and my dp cant understand how i feel as sometimes i get an over whelming feeling of happiness and tell him so . next day i could be low again. im all over the place (some may say a typical woman - i dont agree ) one day loving my family and am happy next hate my life and am deperate to change it .

anyway i am going to make the most of this good mood and relax with dp as kids are all sound asleep. get drunk and watch crap on telly

thanks to all who have replied . i will probably use this thread as a diary (if and when i get chance to post)

night all
love me xxxxxx

muma3 i'm similar! Last night was feeling v depressed and have woken up same way. I am happy in my life generally - happy with dd, happy to have good friends, happy when i do get out, happy with boyf (most of the time!) but i just can't work out how to solve the problem of being depressed about something that there's nothing i can do about - it's lack of freedom that really gets me and i wind up feeling so trapped. If there's nothing i can do about it, i suppose it's just a case of learning how to accept it and be happy with what i'm actually doing, and work out what little things i CAN actually do...
easier said than done huh? Do you feel the same way, do you think that's what gets you down too? Your dp comes into (and my boyf too) because in comparison he is free to do as he likes, and it's so easy to feel resentful. you said in your OP you need a life but don't know how to get it - that's exactly it for me too.

ok so i have woke up with headache but i had one before starting on the hock
feel in a normal mood today iykwim just not happy or down. as im typing im straightening my hair which i havent done for a while . dp being ok and saying nice little things to me which help. he has decided to go back to work tuesday (uni on mondays) and im a bit anxious . he had a op on his hand and has been off for 4 weeks. i knew he would have to go back at some point but it will be hard to get used to being on my own again.

U definitely gotta get some confidence back in yourself, so you're not relying on your dp. It was very very good for me to find myself as a single mum and a boyf who is very separate & independent from me cos it forced myself to learn to be self-reliant. (oops not suggesting you should do the same!! )

I think both of us should agree to do one thing that would be good for us this week, pref something we've been meaning to do for ages! For me it is check out the creche at the swimming pool, i've been meaning to go swimming by myself for ages and want to put dd in the creche cos a) i could do it independently (and with a friend too!) and b) the experience may be good for dd, prep for nursery etc!
So, this week I will do it and report back to you!

Hope your day goes well. I have decided that instead of moping around at home i am taking dd out to Covent Garden, not been there for ages...a bid to be positive!

that was supposed to read "as a single mum with a boyf"

i find it really hard to understand how i have become so dependant on someone else. i have had a shit past and from the age of 13 i was practically living on my own due to my mum commuting and staying in london(100miles from me )for weeks at a time . my mum was a single parent and i have no siblings. i fell with my first dd1 at 15 and split with the father when she was 16 months old. i was on my own for 2 years and struggled by myself. i then met exdp no2 when dd1 was 21/2 . we got married when i fell with dd2 and he then left when she was 17 months old . i was on my own for 11 months then till i met my present partner . i have always been a strong person and grew up really fast. i lived on pennies and had no and i mean no family . its been bloody hard and i still in some ways find it hard to ask for help ie: i have always had it drummed into me that they are my kids and i have to look after them . so i have never expected anything from anyone in my life.

being this dependant on him to be everything to me ie:family friend lover etc is really out of the norm for me and i think dp is finding it hard . i was so independant when i met him iykwim.
i expect too much from him (replace the love and support i have never had ) and no i dont know how to find myself again.

i havent posted that for anyone to feel sorry for me either i understand it could of been a whole lot worse and i have managed to stay on track considering.
i just wanted to fill you in on the kind of person i am . i havent had family and i have tried to make my own with a lot a failures (although i have to add my dd1 father had drink and drugs problems and was violent , dd2 father couldnt handle the whole family thing and we agreed that it wouldnt work , he wanted his independance and money to him self and we are friends now due to him being so honest about it .) being in a strong relationship and having children is all i have ever wanted and would do anything for it to work

It sounds like you have done fantastically all things considered, so keep being strong. You are obviously very self aware. You say you don't understand why you have become so dependent on your dp, but then you answer your own question when you describe your life!
I would say too that your mum being absent a lot of the time in your younger days has led to the anxiety and clinginess you feel, I am sure it is because unconsciously you are terrified of being abandoned. Of course your dp and children have become your whole world! My history is entirely different but I can relate to the same fears. Sounds like you oscillate between being staunchly independent and dependent and clingy! Counselling might help, sounds like you have made a good start to work it all out for yourself already!

Perhaps the things I said about how being a single mum and having to be independent was good for me doesn't apply to you - sounds like you've had far too much of that! Perhaps because you're finally feeling like you might have something secure & good, you are just terrified now of losing it. It is natural that we are co-dependent with our partners so beat yourself up about feeling like that. You just have to work out how you can feel secure in yourself and secure in your relationship so that you don't need to be scared all the time of losing it.

Hope that all makes sense. Don't be afraid to say if i'm talking complete sh*t! i'm not a counsellor or anything!!

oh god, i meant "It is natural that we are co-dependent with our partners so don't beat yourself up about feeling like that."!!

Also, because I have real trust issues myself, I have recently come to the conclusion that the key to it is that you are secure & happy with yourself, so that if a relationship does go wrong, it doesn't matter iykwim. I'm guessing at the moment it feels like it would be the end of the world if your dp left, like you can't cope without him. But I think I'm coming to the realisation that I am happy by myself/with myself/with my life, then I can relax in a relationship because I'm no longer worrying about will it end, etc. (And conversely will prob lead to the relationship being more secure anyway!) So it's sort of not about trusting it iykwim, you kind of don't have to trust it.
Jee does that make any sense to anyone else??

i think you have made a good point tbh . i have slipped into this selfpitying , helpless sahm and i think that is why im getting so dependant . im not happy with my social life or appearance so i am now holding on to dp to make me feel better .
i know excatly what you mean about being happy with yourself means you will be happy in a relationship. i was until recently and have always believed that a relationship should enhance your life not replace what is missing . before i met dp i was confident , had a social life and went to the gym regulary , went out up town with friends etc etc . i was even cautious about getting into a relationship due to past failings but i was strong and happy to give it a go (plus tbh he didnt give up and i went to school with him )
he was a bonus in my life not my whole life iykwim.
now im not confident and i dont live the same i am getting more clingy so maybe there is a link there
i knew what you mean about not beating myself up dont worry

rambling on now so ill leave it as that if anything makes sense

Do you feel you are worth coming back to? You are of course, but I used to be similar with DH (and xp before him) and it was low self esteem (why would he want to be with me? he will have so much fun with mates that he won't want to come back. And then ofcourse, I've been unfair so now he deffo won't come back...')

I probably had a bit of depression at that point in my life, but mainly it was about how much I loved myself (or didn't) rather than him. If you can't see that you are worthwhile you can't understand why someone would want to be with you.

Try to find something you can do while he is out- I do craft and study, but there's so many things, books, films whatever) and just practice being happy. Start by becoming an actress with a role to play: what would make you happy? how could you show it? Then gradually step in and play the role, it'll still be fake but only you will know that. Eventually you should learn to be that person: it takes time, getting panicky is a learned response as wella s an emotional one.

Good luck.

i so know what you mean muma3! I got together with my boyf literally just before finding out i was pg with someone else's child. That completely knocked my confidence. Before that, I had just left a long term relationship for the reasons you're saying are bad, he was fulfilling my needs, replacing what was missing, etc, and I recognised that. But anyway, before i got pg i was part of my current boyf's world, going out socialising, confident, self assured etc, but it all disappeared because I suddenly felt like i was worth nothing, and of course after having dd i felt like just a boring girlfriend who had to stay in all the time.
I've learnt now to trust that he does genuinely love me and want to be with me, but it's so hard sometimes!

he has gone out to football
its his lst day brfore going back to work and he has left me again. not only that but he has made plans to go to a friends to watch football later.
and me?? well im stuck in as usual with kids doing the bloody school uniform .
im so sick of this. i told him to stop asking if him going out was ok because ether way he would do what he wanted . i told him i didnt want him to go as i wanted to make the most of our last day together and you know what? he went . i give up he just doesnt give a damn about my feelings or what i want .
im not getting dressed today i feel like shit again.

o my god muma3, i feel like i'm reading my own life! know exactly how you feel.. moved to a new city with dp three years ago, did a col course where i didn't really get on with anyone, and ended up pregnant at the end of the year, still without a single person i'd call a friend round here.

dp has loadsa work mates and goes out three nights a week and sits at the pc when he is here. feel abandoned all the time and ridiculous for feeling like that, it's not his fault he has a life, it's not like he wouldn't take dd for me any time i wanted, i just have no where to go and haven't a clue how to meet people like me . i keep throwing tantrums and pushing him further away as i'm so frustrated.

thank you so much for letting me know i'm not the only sad case out there!

hard isnt it eve2005? i feel awful for being upset with him but he is doing everything he wants -which isnt anyway wrong- but with no consideration for me . he knows how i feel and i think he feels guilty sometimes but also he wants to go and do whatever and nothing will stop him even if im sat crying he just walks out the door and that whats upsetting the most.

last time i tried telling my friend how i felt her answer was
"all men are the same they always think of themselves and nothing i can do will change that"

is there any truth in that ?
am i just being ungrateful?

it's certainly true of my man! he makes occasional attempts to be understanding but for the most part his word is law, if he wants to go out, he does and if i object i'm being a bitch. know what you mean about the bloody 'is it ok if i head out for a while' comment, not like it would stop him if i said no!

he was out last night and he's still in bed now, while i'm dealing with a cranky one year old and prag again. hé lost his job months ago so it's not even like he pays the bills or anything.

i think women like us are just too sensitive really, it doesn't seem to bother others like it does me. either that or i just moan more

it bothers me and im sure we arent the only ones !!!
i get so though i dont understand how i one way relationships are suppose to be about give and take then on the other hand we are suppose to sit abck and let our dp do as they please and keep our mouths shut?

it bothers me and i get really upset. a little respect or consideration would go far and if thats not the norm then tough but i dont like to just sit bak and smile saying "ok darling you do whatever you like " " of course ill do all the house work and bath and put the kids to bed " " no of course i dont want any help " " me have a life dont be silly ill just stay in on my own and be lonely its ok hunny "

i cant do it .

poor muma3, i know what it feels to reach breaking point, was in the mood you're in now last week, haven't felt so depressed since i was a teenager. they do all the playing with the kids, then walk out and leave you scrubbing up after them.

dp just crawled out of bed, had to scream at him to get him up and he's acting like how dare i ask for a little help even though i'm preg and he knows i put my back out yesterday. god help me if i say anything though.