im a clingy needy girlfriend and i need to get a life !!!!!!!!!

[muma3]

just stopped crying
not sure if this is because i have no family and hardly any friends an because i am so in love with dp or just because i need to get a grip
dp just gone out with a friend and i find myself feeling completely rejected. we havent been out together for nearly 2 years so i know that is a problem . every time he goes out i feel its because he doesnt want to be with me . i sulk and strop and hardly say goodbye. as soon as he is out the door i burst into tears
i am WIERD !
i need a life i know i do and i just cant find time . not one for playgroups and have sapled mums and tots to the point where i ran my own but i just dont like them . i want to be with him all the time . i am suffocating him and i know im getting obsessive .
WHAT CAN I DO ?
i need to sort this out because i know he needs space but i want him to do things with me too .

omg i sound like a maniac now
help

be gentle feel like poo

you can make it through muma3, think of your kids, what would they want you to do? is he a good dad, or a asshole who gives them as little time as he gives you? the only reason i haven't walked out on dp is coz when it comes to his daughter he's a good dad, it's me he treats like shit, if that changes i'll be out that door so quick it'll make his head spin

he is a extremely good dad . dd1 and dd2 arent his but noone would know that for the way he treats them . even though he went football and forget to get babymilk . i have to remind him about everything . he means well sometimes . for example he let me stay in bed a few days ago for an extra half hour. when i got up he hadnt given dd2 and dd3 their antibiotics or put rubbish out or made any bottles . most of what he does do is either because we have had an argument or because he wants to go out . everything is always down to me to remember and if im ill or in bed then it just doesnt get done. friday i fell asleep ( keep getting migraines) and he forgot that dd1 had a counselling appointment.

sometimes i feel like i have the whole world on my shoulders and he just is too laid back and doesnt take any of that off me iykwim. he reminds me of a bloody zombie and always is in need of a kick up the arse.

but when it comes to football he always remembers when there is a good game on or he remembers what he has at uni every week or that he has been invited to a party etc etc etc etc

mine can remember the details of every hip hop album on the planet, but can't remember how to work the washing machine even though he's been shown 500times, comes to me and asks why he has no clean clothes, ask him why he hasn't run the machine himself if stuff needed doing and he says he doesn't know how

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

god i have a migraine . got docs tmw and i know she will say stress . might just ask her if there is anything else i can take apart form AD's . evening primrose i heard is good for hormones . i am going to get a blood test too to check for aneamia and thyroid probs and hormone levels. will let you know. im struggling now to sit at comp due to migrains.

he wont tlak to me know . im getting silent treatment. oh well ill live . im just the girlfriend / not worth talking to . hopefully he will be gone at 4 then i can have a good cry and feel better for it . plus he keeps calling me by full name which means he in a mood . oh the fun

mines new thing is to scream fuck you, fuck you, fuck you and storm off like a 3 year old if i tell him a few home truths, o the fun i have

have you tried going to a homeopath for the migraines? they can be helpful, i've had them since age 2 and tried everything at some point or another. pregnancy seems to be the only real cure though!

I dunno, muma3. He doesn't really sound like a very good dad and especially not a very good dp. As you know, mine is chronically ill but he still does a hell of a lot more than that, and if he can manage it, no able-bodied man has an excuse in my view. Yesterday I had a horrible 24-hour fluey thing, felt like death, so I did the early shift 6-9, and then when ds wouldn't nap, just handed him over to his dad and went and slept on and off til about 3.

Without wishing to upset you (again!) can you see similarities with your previous relationships? Do you know why they went wrong? It sounds like you are incredibly strong woman and managing the world on your shoulders, as you say, and all he's trying to do is load more on to your shoulders to deal with.

In practical terms, I think you absolutely should call his bluff and say "no, I'm sorry, I'd prefer it if you didn't go out today", either to do something fun as a family or because you need his help to get stuff done at home. Do you go out much as a family, or is it difficult because your girls are quite different ages?

Can you even pre-empt him just naffing off to the footie by arranging things in advance?

I absolutely agree with everything Bourneville has said. I am 22 and have a 20 month old dd, whose father claims to be interested but has yet to actually show it (roll eyes emoticon) Anyway, I felt very much like you did at the beginning of my relationship with my bf (we've been together for 8 months but have known each other nearly three years). I would get very clingy and upset if he went out and if he didn't reply to my texts straight away. I could see what a nightmare I was being but I couldn't seem to do anything about it.
Looking back now, it's obvious that there were a lot of things going on with me, none really involving him at all. I was trying to get over an eating disorder and also was terribly stressed about uni (we're both full time students), and especially money - life as a non working parent is bloody hard to deal with when you know that you literally have a couple of quid in your pocket to feed your dd for the week. I wonder if you are trying to find a reason why you feel so low, and making your partner a target for all your bad feelings? A big part of me getting over being so clingy was the slow realisation that he did actually love me, which was so hard to believe at first, especially after how hurt I'd been by dd's dad. It is no mean feat to actually feel that you are worthy of someone's love, especially with the history you have describad.
Also, I wonder how at ease your partner really is with your other children? A close friend of mine was left by her partner because he simply couldn't cope with another person's child, and admittedly she took it for granted that he would automatically be fine taking on the role of parent. It is of course different with the child you have with him, who he has equal responsibility for.
As for going out, I have accepted that my bf is a student, and he wants to live it up while he still can. I don't have a problem with this, as I'm not much of a pub or club person, but the occasions that we do go out are all the more special because they are so few and far between (on Friday we went out and ended up in a mosh pit at a Reel Big Fish gig )
I feel very lucky, though that I am at uni full time - it's stressful, but it gives me a life outside of the house, so that my social life consists of more than just my boyfriend. I think joining some sort of parent group or course would be a great start. Around here there are homestart meetings at the local church hall with coffee for the mums and toys for the kids - all completely free and friendly. I also think you should at least consider some part time work, if only to help your self esteem a bit - I fully admit that if I were a stay at home mum to dd, let alone three children, as much as I love her, it would inevitably depress me and make me feel very isolated. I hope you start to feel better soon (and sorry for the mammoth post!) x x x x

i agree with the majority of what you have said littlelamb . he loves my 2 oldest though without a doubt and there is never an issue about whether he can cope with looking after "other peoples children" . as i said he persued me for months if not years before i gave him a chance. he is a good dad and i know that this is what he wants but he just has got some very laid back views about things and has got very comfortable in this lifestyle. he commented himself that he just doesnt make any effort anymore but i still find it hard to understand why it is all words all the time and he doesnt fix things .

oh i forgot to tell you all that i am starting a class on thursday evenings to re-do my gsce math and english. i am really excited and have wanted to do this for a long time . its free and it is about 300yrds from me whooo heyyy. my friend told me about it whilst we were arranging to go out for lunch tmw. yes- you heard im going out tmw for lunch !!!! not like me at all but im desperate to change and we arranged to do something. i also mentioned about doing something on a regular basis and she agreed aslong as it wasnt swimming (she is 5 months pregnant and overweight -im not comfortable with getting in a swimming cossy either )

all good progress i suppose. just got dp to make more effort with me / us really but i cant force him to do anything can i ?

think i will start being more open and honest though when it comes to telling him how i feel about him doing things and even though i know he wont change his plans for me and he will go out even if i dont want him too at least i will feel better and maybe not be so sarcastic towards him .

muma3 sounds like you've done fantastic to arrange these few things. I assume your dp is behind you with it? I am intending to follow through with my intention and phone the swimming pool later this morning! i will will!!!

I think it is harder for men to stay on top of everything that needs doing - sahms have had all day every day to learn everything and to get used to doing 3 million things at once, and in addition you have had children a lot longer than your dp has. Also, men's lives (relatively) go on as they always have done - generally they go back to work after a couple of weeks, etc, so they can't quite grasp the concept of real, full time responsibility/parenting or what it feels like to have zero freedom. I think! (Read it in a book!) Plus you say yours is more laid back than you, and ppl parent in different ways. I know for a fact my boyf if he became a dad would use the tv a lot more than i'd be happy with for example, but you can't expect someone to do it all the way you think it should be done!
But, sounds like your dp is aware of the way he is and that he shouldn't be, with regards to not making an effort! He needs a kick up the backside! plus if he's forgetting things you've already told him to do a million times that is very frustrating. Perhaps make a list of everything that he needs to do when he spends time at home, that he can tick things off of. Again, it means you're the one in control and driving the whole thing when you want him to just take it on, but... i don't know how else to deal with it tbh, sorry!

No you can't make anyone do anything, but I think someone else already suggested that you arrange a babysitter and tell him you'd like the two of you to go out and do something together? Or very strongly suggest it anyway! But not in a clingy way! I fail to understand why your dp wouldn't see the importance in that, so i hope he does.

littlelamb nice to hear from you! Don't come across many single mums with boyfs with separate lives. (I'm assuming you're not living together yet?) It makes it easier being responsible for everything yourself, doesn't it? - anything boyf does for me by way of child care/babysitting etc is all a bonus out of the kindness of his heart, there is no resentment to deal with, etc (well, not rational anyway! I can't help gritting my teeth in the mornings when he's busy snoring & I'm up with dd! But at least i can just ignore it!). I do worry sometimes when i think about the possibility of us ever settling down but i try and stay rational about the fact that him as my boyf & friend to dd is not a prediction of what he'd be like as a partner/father!

hi - today i woke up early i had already got everything sorted for today. last night it felt like such a big deal-"tmw im all on my own better get organised" kind of attitude. so i did and when i woke up i felt positive. when dp left for uni i had a feeling of "shit this is it , back to R/L again" . he has had 4 weeks off work and it has been so nice to have backup when needed or to have someone to talk to in the day (even if he didnt listen or was too fixated with the telly) he has helped out alot and i will apprieciate it more when he isnt here to do it anymore.

took the girls to school and i was fine but now im sat at home im getting anxious again. i have to be at the docs at 11am then meet my friend then go town and then make sure im on bus for 2.30 pm to get back for school in time. its alot to cope with on the first day of being on my own. i have packed dd3 bag and im all ready just hope im not late for anything.

bournville- you are right about men not really knowing what it is like to have reaponsibility , ime they get out of it at any opportunity and never want to face it . he has said that he needs a kick up the arse but thats as far as it goes . he just never puts any effort into anything. nothing seems to bother him and so it all gets lumbered onto me . he even mentioned this and knows what he is doing is effecting me but then does nothing about it . he is harmless and doesnt mean to upset me i know he doesnt its just he floats around and doesnt see things as they are and if i question him as to why he hasnt made an effort he will say i dont know how . thats his excuse for everything "i dont know what to do " or "i dont know how to change or stop doing that "
i feel like we are going roud in circles .

anyway its going to be a good day i think (well im trying to think positive )

muma3, sounds like nothing short of a month alone with the kids without you would work! Us mums (esp if we were single mums) have HAD to do it. I needed a kick up the backside myself tbh before i had dd, I grew up very quickly after having dd and see life COMPLETELY differently to how i used to. Your dp doesn't HAVE to because you do everything. Perhaps next time you have a conversation with him saying "I don't know what to do/how to do it" etc you can tell him precisely what it is he needs to do, or agree that next time there is something you will tell him!!! Is he the sort of person to get very cross when you try and tell him what to do? My boyf is like that, he doesn't mind me asking for help - even wants me to - but if i actually tell him to do something the bristles arise. Frustrating when it's something you think they really should be doing therefore you shouldn't have to ask! (not often with my boyf as he's not dad, so it doesn't become an issue!)

Well, sounds like you have a good day ahead of you, better to have stuff planned than have to mope around all day. Hope it's going well. What's the doc got to say then?

Well i haven't called the swimming pool yet. I am so bad at making phonecalls which is ironic as my last job was customer services when i was on the phone all the time, inc quite difficult calls! Right i'll do it as soon as I come off here!!

PS Re your anxiety about being on your own now dp at work, it sounds as though you've lost faith in your ability to cope on your own. Just tell yourself, I CAN do it alone, done it before, nothing awful is going to happen! Plus, if you do end up a little late for something, what's the worse that could happen?
I suffer from similar anxiety problems, about all sorts of things, and it is down to a deep rooted lack of faith in the world and in myself to be "ok".

just got back.
went doctors and for lunch and still got back in time for school , actually i was 20mins early and now have really sore lips for standing in cold.

the nurse i saw this morning said - she doesnt want me to go back on the last pill i had because of my migraines. i have got an appointment for wed morn to see a family planning consultant to change pill . she thinks it may be stress related (which i had a feeling that she would say ) . i have been prescribed a trip out with friend once a week (i said pub and she agreed a good idea ) i asked her if evening primrose would help and she said that it is worth a go . my blood pressure was quite high but that is because i was really anxious this morning and i explained this too her.

i went for lunch . it was lovely . we went to a pub in town it was great had jacket pot with chicken bbq sauce and chicken and 2 BIG glasses of rose wine. felt like heaven. had the nicest choc cake with cream (not doing any good for my diet - have lost few pounds just recent though so that was my excuses ) had a walk round town for 30mins whilst friend collected b day pressies for her dd2 . arranged to go round tmw for a cuppa . she needs some frying pans and doesnt drive . dp has a hosp appointment and i sad i will pop to matalan and pick her up some cheap ones and bring the baby stuff round that i have put together for her .

dd3 has been ok today . sick a few times . she keeps getting something stuck in her throat . in general she was ok though.

i survived !!!!!
feel bloody tired now though will try to do this every monday lunch time and go to this course on a thurs eve and hopefully i will start feeling better .

bournville- regarding feeling anxious this morning i think alot of it is to do with not being able to wallow in +my bad mood , he isnt around to bail me out of things or make excuses for me . he isnt there to go school and now im having to face people and go out . i dont have the choice anymore. it was bloody silly . i knew that i would cope but the though of not having any choice worried me . i pushed my self through today and come out the other side a lot happier. i need to get out more and my friend and i had a long chat about it . i think she was really understanding even though alot of it i didnt understand myself . like i want to get out and see people but i dont want to go out and see people??? she seemed to know what i was trying to say . it really helped to tell someone . You lot have been great.

mn is like having a diary except it writes back to you iyswim ?

anyway lets see how the rest of the week goes

bournville - phone the pool . just go for it like you said whats the worse that could happen?
you might wish you had done it sooner because i know i do

So glad your day was good!
I forgot to phone the pool!!! But I have played more than usual with dd today! I think I am unconsciously avoiding. I PROMISE i will do it tomorrow!

fwiw i know what you mean when you say you want to go out but at the same time you don't! Especially when i'm at the lowest of the low, when i actually really need to even just phone someone, i just can't face it.

yeah i know , i figured out today also that i would like to be needed by someone other then my immediate family . like a friend or something? just to feel worthwhile about myself . at the moment im asking for company when really it would be nice for someone to want to be around me and ask to see me rather then vise versa iykwim. i feel hopeless and needy and im scared of either forcing myself on people or them thinking that im desperate and scaring them off .
anyway im home alone til 9pm and have just finished clearing up after dinner. i am getting a headache again but im desperate for a glass of wine. i know that it will make my headache worse though.

going to finish house work and get kids to bed then settle down with a cuppa. havent put dinner on for dp but i though since i had had " a stressful day " he could cook

Hey Bourneville :) I agree that I feel I have the best of both worlds - a great boyfriend but also a life of my own. I think that is why I have found being a mum relatively easy so far - with noone to rely on but yourself there are no issues of jealousy over who does what. As for the responsibilities my boyfriend has, I've never assumed, or wanted, that he would be anything more than a great friend to my dd. He has commented than I don't take too much for granted, but this is just my way of making sure the boundaries are clear. We were out with dd one day and I asked if we could just pop to a shop to get dd some milk, and he couldn't believe I'd even asked. I guess when (IF!) we decide to make a bigger commitment to each other I would let my guard down and let him take on a bigger role, but that is a long way off (logically at least. The thought of him bringing up my dd with me just melts my heart :) )

muma3, was nodding away when reading about your feelings about contacting ppl etc, can relate totally to that! All my close friends don't have children either, so that has affected the way we spend time together too :(. They love dd but I wish i had more time for them without dd around iykwim. But i don't ask them to come to mine of an evening cos i feel bad that they have to come to me, esp as it's awkward travel for a couple of them. They more than likely are bitter that I never ask them over!

littlelamb, with me and boyf it was sort of the other way round, boyf was very clear himself at the beginning, and too over defensive of his own time/what he was prepared to do, etc BECAUSE he was afraid of being taken for granted. So by now, he has relaxed into it so much and I am now more like you because of how he used to be! I think it took him ages to trust that I wasn't expecting him to play father or anything so as a result he was extremely non committal. Although his actions spoke louder than words...he made a huge effort to bond with dd and when she was a small baby it upset him that he couldn't hold her without her crying for me! he knew it was so important he bonded with her or the relationship wouldn't've lasted.
I frequently text boyf on his way over asking him to bring milk ! Though it is fair enough as i cook him dinner & he uses the milk for brekky too!

Agree about having best of both worlds, but most of the time I feel like it's 1/2 of both worlds, i can't fully enter into being a family woman, OR a girlfriend who can go out & have fun! I guess i must be a glass-half-empty person and you're a glass-half-full person! :) Would prefer your attitude!

Sorry muma3 we're hijacking your thread a bit!

no worries at all [smile ] glad im not alone

mama3 I'm glad things are a bit better. I wanted to say something to you but don't want you to feel patronised (as this is defo not my intention). I was wondering if what you are going through could be linked to your age. I say this because I went through a phase where I was a bit clingy with dh in my early twenties (34 now). We weren't married then (married in 2000, had baby in 2004)and I used to get jealous when he went out with work mates etc. Like you I had to fend for myself as a kid and considered myself mature, assertive and self-aware. That didn't stop me becoming besotted and over dependent on my then boyfriend who represented all that I respected. Anyway, with age and experience I learned to moderate my awe and to acknowledge that I actually deserved him! I think having kids does make you feel more dependent on your partner so this probably compounds the problem. Anyway I have a lot of respect for you bringing up 3 children at such a young age and I'm glad you've been getting supportive posts.

expecting -
no i think its more to do with dp not having any previous experience with relationships rather then an age issue. i have grown to old to quick if that makes sense and have more life experience than most .

believe a relationship is give aqnd take and now we are together he hasnt got to romance me or put any effort in . i have told him this but he doesnt understand how to do anything about it i dont think. or thats just his escuse

i understand that you get stuck in a ruck and things get routine. i try to explain that you have to keep your fire burning and things fresh but thats easier said then done

he has been signed off work again for 2 weeks . good and bad. i can have more time without the children and im really going to take advantage too. going out and seeing friends , doing things for me will be my top priority now for a while untill i get some routines back regarding socialising.

got the first session of my new course tmw and im really looking forward to it . will let you know how i get on

Well best of luck with it all. Sounds like you're being v optimistic. Hope the course goes well - and the socialising

don't know if your still checking this thread muma3, wasn't able to get on for a few days. so delighted your feeling better and a bit more optimistic, sounds like you've been doing alot of soul searching. definitely keep up the monday lunches

as for dp not liking to be told what to do, mine is like that, you have to be a bit sneaky and pretend to be a bit helpless, but don't ask, pretend to be all proud and defensive and let him offer. he'll feel manly and useful and you'll get the odd thing done for you. works about 50% of the time but it's better than nothing!