Is my husband being a twat or is it me?

[mumblejumble]

Yesterday h informed me that there was hardly any fuel in the car and he had to fill up. He wanted to go at 8pm yesterday (could have gone before then, but didn't want to). I asked him to wait until our ds was asleep because I am very unwell at the moment, and I had a poorly baby constantly breastfeeding, and older autistic ds with me. So, he said he would wait till later. He fell asleep, and then it was too late. So he had to go this morning, he was doing school run. Well, he just rang me and told me he was late taking ds to school, it was my fault, and apparently he is 'very angry' with me.
I ignored him and asked him if he rang me just for that, and apparently this is the sole reason he phoned me.
I am trying to work out at the moment if I am in an abusive relationship. I have read quite a lot of threads on here and can see some similarities, but not seen this sort of stuff before.
He has never done this before, and I have started to confront him lately about some of his behaviour towards me.
Is it normal to phone your partner/spouse and tell them "I am angry with you". I felt like a child being told off..

You say he hasn't done this before, but you've started to confront him about some of his behaviour. What else has been happening?

Him.

You made a very reasonable request for him to stay at home, he fell asleep, and then he was late this morning. That's just something that happens and definitely not something a loving partner would bother to ring you about, let alone be angry about.

What else has he done?

I suspect he was embarrassed at being late for school and may even have been "told off" by the teacher, so is taking it out on you. Not acceptable.

You say you have not seen this sort of behaviour before but that you have started to confront him on some of his behaviour, which sounds as though something has been going on. What have you been confronting him about?

I can't quite put my finger on it, but little things like always blaming me for things, making everything my responsibility, such as paying the builder when I have no control of the money. He has managed to somehow stop me from having my own bank account over the years because I am a sahm, so didn't really need one. Child benefit goes into his account. When I brought up the topic again recently, he tried to dissuade me. I went ahead anyway and now get cb paid into my own bank account. He is not happy about this, and wants me to close it "as we discussed", but I didn't agree with him.

I am not drip feeding, it is just difficult to make a new judgement on our relationdship....
I told him I didn't think it was correct the way he always tries to make decisions for me, over things that are none of his business. He treats my belongings as though they are his own, such as my laptop, sewing machine etc. He sneers at my achievements and accomplishments...there is more..

Getting rid of your bank account screams abuse to me, as they like to make you dependent on them so that you cant leave. Sorry.

He makes "jokes" at my expense, such as about my weight (baby weight, I have a 6 month old) and my appearance.
He always seems to take my keys and "lose" them, which I am starting to see as weird...the latest he has lost my car key, he once lost my door keys so I couldn't leave the house without him...
He has also lost my passport and driving licence in the past

In answer to your original post, he's definitely being a twat.

I really don't like the sound of his controlling behaviour. Well done for getting your own bank account at last.

I now have all of this in my possession, except th elost carkey..I have told him I have to get a new one from the dealership and it will cost. I bet it turns up soon

mumblejumble

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

He has and continues to financially control you as well; this is also one of the hallmarks of an abusive relationship. You are in an abusive relationship.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here; they are picking up on all this after all.

The ongoing requests by him for you to close your own bank account are deeply troubling.

Also petrol stations in this area are open 24/7. He's making trouble for the sake of it; he likes undermining you and sees you as primarily a domestic appliance. He does not give a toss for you or his children; a good dad does not treat their wife and mother of their children in such a fashion.

He learnt this controlling behaviour somewhere; what are his parents like. Would put money on it that either one or even both of them are controlling.

He has upped the control ante here over time and continues to do so, the "I am very angry with you" comment is the tip of a bloody large iceberg beneath the surface of your relationship.

Controlling men are often angry men as well. I would seriously consider the whole future of this relationship with him as your future within it will continue to be unhappy. Would suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

I don't like the sound of him hun, what does he do when you confront him? Do you see friends much etc? How do you handle money are you expected to explain every penny?

That all sounds extremely controlling mumble.

"He sneers at my achievements and accomplishments" This alone is completely horrible and unnacceptable. It sounds like there is something very rotten going on at the heart of things. I just wish you well in getting the clarity and strength you need to take any further steps you need to get the respect you deserve.

What reason does he give for not wanting you to have your own bank account? How do you have access to money, apart from the CB?

He doesn't sound like a twat. That is too good for him. He sounds like a controlling abusive arsewipe.
Does he have any good points?

There's red flags here for me.

And I rarely am one to scream that.

The control over money and losing your things are big problems to me.

your initial post sounds OK and he was probably just a grumpy git at having no fuel, however after reading thread really, really grab all your self esteem that you can muster and stand up to him and take control of your life. Good luck.

Attilla, his mother is very controlling and his father is more so.
I don't talk to his mother anymore and refuse to have her in the house, and h agrees with me on this (but not totally, since he often tries to get me to change me mind). He does have contact with his parents, even his father who likes to pretend that I don't exist. His whole family act as though they own me, our home and regularly make awful comments about my two autistic sons.
I am quite strong so difficult for his family to control me. H wasn't happy about my stance at first, and probably isn't now. He expects me to feel compassion for his family, which I can feign up to a point.
I have access to his bank account, but then he only makes a proportion of the money available to me anyway. He regularly berates me about his bank account being overdrawn He says I spend too much money, and blames the bills on me aswell, usual crap....
He just says it is less complicated if we have one account

I'm seeing the Child Benefits as a big red flag. Same with the bank account. Do you have anything in your name at all?

My ex claimed child benefits and I didn't need a bank account either, he claimed. He took control in such a way I didn't see it happening until it was too late and I was the compliant wife who did as he said. Right down to the children and I had to make do with charity shop and boot fair bought clothing while he got all his at Marks and Spencer, because he worked in an office and I worked from home, so didn't need to dress smart.

Look out for the warning signs, and if you can't see them but feel you are walking on egg shells and wearing your shoulders as clip on earings, you are in an abusive relationship.

Yes verity, he wants to buy another printer and new mac, the one he has is perfectly fine.
I sold some of my belongings to get money to make the garden safer for our sons, and he kept moaning about how much I spent. I do feel nervous about seeing him today. Hope he works late

Well the apple did not fall far from the tree in your H's case did it?. Your H too comes from an abusive family background.

Controlling behaviour is often learnt and is deeply rooted hence me asking if either one or both his parents are controlling. I was not totally surprised to read your answer re them, that red flag was there a long time ago.

You are still strong but you're buckling unsurprisingly under your H;s control of you. I never write this lightly but I would start making plans to leave him and seek legal advice to do so. He will control you for the rest of your days and start on the children at any given opportunity.

DO read that Lundy Bancroft book and make plans to leave him before he completely destroys any self worth or esteem you have left.