Is my husband being a twat or is it me?

[mumblejumble]

Yesterday h informed me that there was hardly any fuel in the car and he had to fill up. He wanted to go at 8pm yesterday (could have gone before then, but didn't want to). I asked him to wait until our ds was asleep because I am very unwell at the moment, and I had a poorly baby constantly breastfeeding, and older autistic ds with me. So, he said he would wait till later. He fell asleep, and then it was too late. So he had to go this morning, he was doing school run. Well, he just rang me and told me he was late taking ds to school, it was my fault, and apparently he is 'very angry' with me.
I ignored him and asked him if he rang me just for that, and apparently this is the sole reason he phoned me.
I am trying to work out at the moment if I am in an abusive relationship. I have read quite a lot of threads on here and can see some similarities, but not seen this sort of stuff before.
He has never done this before, and I have started to confront him lately about some of his behaviour towards me.
Is it normal to phone your partner/spouse and tell them "I am angry with you". I felt like a child being told off..

The minute you mentioned the bank account and the CB I think 'control freak'. Making anyone financially dependent, turning the money on or off when you feel like it, is a really easy way to control them. Get a new bank account and get the CB moved back into it as a first step.

'I am very angry with you' Wanker.

He even tries to control how much time I spend in the bathroom.
He doesn't let me shave my legs or anything, stops me from having makeup, just be saying it is too expensive and I don't need it. He has dental treatment, but apparently I don't need it. He needs 5 or 6 jackets/coats (I forget how many), but I have one for winter and none for summer, he tried to to stop me from buying shoes because I have two pairs, one of which is from pregnancy and my feet were swollen so no longer fits. His shoes take over the shoe rack in the hall.
He always tries to exclude me from the children's lives. So he does the school run, likes to pick them up, goes to parent's evenings, statement reviews and there is always some reason that I can't go.
If I go, I really have to force the issue and put up with him criticising the way I spoke to the teachers etc.

He sounds absolutely awful. Can you imagine what life would be like if you left him? Can you imagine how peaceful it would be?

What are your parents like? Would they support you (emotionally) if you left him?

Verity, your ex sounds like a total dick, was probably very jealous of you. So sorry he made you give up on uni, what a shit.
I am worried about leaving, then he will have access to children without me being there and so will his family

An awful lot of issues here. What reason does he give for you not buying shoes/coats etc?

Good grief... the more you add, the worse it gets. Sounds like he married you to be somewhere between an incubator and a house-keeper. Damn right you have to force the issue with this selfish, nasty, controlling arse. Pack his bags.

My family live overseas, I have a few friends. But he stops me from seeing people, and if I do go, he insists on coming along.

Oh god mumble, this is terrible, very controlling.

He says that I don't need so many coats, shoes because I don't have to go anywhere, we can't afford it etc.
We moved into this area recently and I have got to know a couple of the neighbours and wanted to help one of them, because I could, so he stopped me and then went and offered help himself...it is as though he doesn't want anyone to like me

Do you have a women's aid organisation near you? You need some help.

I have to go now, one of the ds' is off school sick, and I can hear him stirring.
Will be back later, thankyou for reading
xx

He's isolating you. Your family are elsewhere, he doesn't want you going to the school or talking to neighbours. You're financially dependent. It's all designed to keep you trapped and reliant on the bully. If you don't want to go the women's aid route you have assert your independence by things like getting a job, joining local social groups, volunteering at school, separating your finances (CB and tax credits initially). Whenever he says 'no' you have to push on and do it anyway or it'll just get worse and worse. If things don't improve you will have to leave.

He needs some serious talking to. My dh was going down this route.
I am now a sahm, and he controls the finances. I was not happy about this, and said on several occassions, as he used to put 'housekeeping' money into my bank account.
This is the man that spent £2k on shares just before dd1 was due. I do not trust my dh financially after that incident.
We moved to Oz in October, and since then I have given up nearly every aspect of my life, bar the children for this move. I am not happy, as didn't want to move here, and am still not settled here.
The 'housekeeping' was never enough, and he would say, we don't have any money. I told him I wanted to see finances, what the outgoings were, and incomings. He WROTE them down and said WE had $700 (£500ish) disposable income. Erm, no he had that disposable income.
After a proper talk, we have now decided I will take control of the finances too, and we will do it together like paying bills, by having a joint account. I'm no idiot, as used to live on my own before, so know how to pay bills. He'd question me on what the money was being spent on, obviously gucci handbags and Prada shoes
I'm still waiting to see where the £600 profit from our house that we rent in the UK has gone...............still waiting................
All I'm suggesting you do, is ask him for the joint account. If it's a no, then I think that's a massive red flag that needs dealing with imho, especially as he wants to buy a new toy, so he's making things comfortable for himself but not you, and is spending the family money on crap that you don't need.

Oh my goodness, run for the hills.

It frightens me that people live like this ans see it as normal. You can not let your children grow up living with this man. He has no respect for you at all and he is controlling your every move.

Wow! Just caught up with your other posts. You are for sure in an abusive and controlling relationship.

You should be making arrangements to leave. If you have no money and no one to turn to you should contact Women's Aid and start plotting your escape with them. Do not stay with this man!

Sounds like you are living with a monster.

Life can be a lot better than this, you know.

You must have a lot of worries about how to disentangle but honestly, it can only get better.

Please get some RL help with this. x

Can you disclose what country you are in and what your own citizenship status is Mumble, then we can come up with some concrete advice for your and the children's escape plan? Fully understand if you would rather not, this is a public forum after all.

You definitely need to get away from this man. He is dangerous to you and the DC. Get in touch with Women's Aid - I think you must be in the UK because you mention child benefit.

Although you've committed no crime, you're serving a prison sentence with a controlling and abusive h as your jailer.

For the sake of your own welfare as well as that of your dc, you need to free yourself from this controlling and abusive man as soon as possible.

Please contact Women's Aid: www.womensaid.org.uk and please keep posting here as there are undoubtedly mumsnetters living near you who would like to become your friends.

You do know that you don't need your husbands permission to open a bank account right? You walk to the bank with your identity documents and proof of address and they will do it on the spot. Or you can even do it online.

I suggest you get that sorted ASAP and start putting as much money as you can into it so that the next time he as like a selfish, mean controlling asshole you have the wherewithal to LEAVE.

I think in hindsight he probably should have just gone for petrol when he wanted to as it usually doesn't take long. But all the other stuff like not wanting the CB paid into your account isn't fair at at all. My DH says I've got too many coats but he's got loads as well that he doesn't wear. So I don't think that's a huge issue. But the other stuff.

Yes he does sound very controlling. And I totally can't bear when the family starts interfering. That is really so totally out of order. It does seem a really difficult stituation and maybe you should start thinking about if you want to stay in the long term. Have you ever thought about leaving before?

What a horrible environment for you to live in and for your children to grow up in.

Do you want to leave? Would you, if you had somewhere to go? Because that can all be sorted out with support, either from people on here or real life. You can be free if this controlling, manipulative bully. You can create a lovely safe home to nurture your children in.