I'm so unhappy in my marriage but would like another baby

[ChaosCentral]

Have namechanged and bit of a long one-sorry.

Together 20 years. Married 14 years. One DS through choice.

Lots of ups and downs in our relationship. A couple of times in the past (before we were married), I said I wanted time apart as I wasn't happy but DH talked me round. As I've grown older and also since being at home with DS and not working, I've realised what a tosser DH is. I think he is EA, he also turns twists things and tells me it's me who over-reacting. I'm not a walkover and don't let him get away with it but I'm so tired of reacting to him and of the bickering.

We argue and bicker over everything-parenting/me working again/housework/choosing things for the house/finances/what to eat/when to eat-it drives me fucking mental. Everday day is a battle. DS is being affected by it. If we argue over directions in the car for instance, we will start getting upset or will start shouting. He loses his temper and shouts a lot. There's much more bickering than laughter. I worry that DS will grow up and behave like his dad towards women. We argue a lot over how to parent DS and how to deal with him. DH says "DS is driving a wedge between us". I say "It's the way you react to DS that is driving a wedge between us".

I've begun to realise that I don't love DH anymore. I don't want to have sex with him (even though he is always pestering me) and I don't enjoy being with him. He truly drains me and saps my energy. I care for him but feel nothing for him. I can't even bear him to touch me tbh.

I've felt miserable for quite a while now but have also realised that I really want another baby. DH does not and says I am too old (43-he's probably right).

I just feel so trapped-I have to stay with DH if we do have another baby but he makes me so bloody miserable. It goes round and round in my head every day. I imagine myself living on my own with DS and it terrifies me. I literally have no friends who are divorced. I have no income and I wouldn't have another child. I'm just rambling now...

Where to start?

Your ds is being adversely affected by your failure to end your marriage and you want to inflict that on another child?

I literally have no friends who are divorced So? You may find you start a trend amongst your mates. If not, there are plenty of single parents out there and the only reason you haven't got to know them is because you're busy flogging the dead horse of a loveless and unfulfilling relationship.

You cannot have a baby with a person who you are this unhappy with, and who you disagree with on so many parenting levels. You know that though.

It doesn't matter that you have no friends who are divorced, they are not you! If you're unhappy, change it. He sounds awful. Don't spend your life being unhappy.

You're right izzy.

Although I've been miserable for a long time, it's a fairly recent thing to me to accept he may be EA. Sometimes, I wonder if it's me. I'm very confused about the whole thing but seeing a therapist as I don't want to throw away my marriage if it can be fixed.

I'm willing to try relate but DH is not. However, if I gave him an ultimatum, I'm fairly sure that he would go.

I don't know if you are divorced or separated but after a 20 year relationship, it's a massively scary thing to contemplate leaving my marriage and tearing my family, however dysfunctional, apart.

Oh god no - please don't have another baby with him! If you value your son get him out of this abusive situation. You can always have another baby with someone else if you really want one but right now the priority is the one you've got. You will be ok financially & socially - you'll meet new people once you're out of this marriage & a happier person to be around.

*The bit about the arguing in the car was meant to be DS gets upset by it and he loses his temper and shouts NOT DH.

TBH, DH doesn't shout a lot. Sarcasm and plain unpleastantess are his weapons of choice.

I WON'T be able to have a baby with anyone else. I'm 43, my time is probably up already. I thought I only wanted one child but have suddenly changed my mind.

What a mess.

You know it is madness and would be so incredibly selfish to have anotehr baby don't you?

How old is your DS?

I could have written your post actually (apart from the fact that i actually don't want another baby!) and i wonder about DP an myself (we have been together 20 years, we bicker, parenting - poles apart, i think he is EA) but I love him - i know why he is like he is (he didn't used to be) and i also know that i am far from perfect. Another baby for us would be the final nail in the coffin - but what i will say is this, DD is 6 now and things are getting easier, slowly, i am going back to work (hopefully) and that will hopefully help our finances and i'll have more direction. So i would agree with being absolutely sure that its over before you make the break. But a new baby - no no no

Thanks for your reply doggie. My DS is 8.

We were happy for so long with one and it's just hit me like a ton of bricks. Everything has come at once. My longing for, a realisation that, I may never have another baby and the feeling that my marriage may be over.

I feel sick/depressed/angry/resentful/sad all at the same time. I just want to crawl into a hole and bawl my eyes out.

Ok have another baby & still end the marriage? Use him as a sperm donor if you must but even so ..... You can't bring children up in this conflict!

Also, doggiemumma, how do you deal with the difference in your parenting? I have agreed that DH can smack DS if he feels it's necessary (I v rarely smack) but he also sometimes "cuffs" him around the head or pokes him etc. which DS hates. I really don't agree with cuffing children around the head.

Last week he whacked him (not that hard) on the head with a baseball cap. Unfortunately, the metal bit at the back, cut his head and made it bleed.

I was so angry, I ended up screaming at DH to "never fucking lay a finger on DS again"-DH told me I was overreacting. I said would you do that to a friend or me? My reasoning was that DH did it out of frustration and anger, not because he was disciplining.

What has "made" your DH EA. Why has he changed? I understand if you'd rather not say.

Why can't you have a baby with someone else? That's what random strangers sperm donors are for.

As for having spent 20 years wiith him; that's not yet half of your life. Does the prospect of spending another 20 years with a man you can't bear to touch you, while watching your ds grow up to treat you and other women wth contempt, fill you with joy?

Life's short, honey. Get a grip on yours before you end up with nothing to show for it but a pile of regrets.

My parents arguing in the car is one of my main memories of my childhood. Horrible. I felt totally helpless. Kids tend to blame themselves.

You need to split up or get counselling.

My dear you never know what is around the corner....

You can leave him if you want to, and it will be scary, but you will make it. I work with women who are abused an see this happen every day. Don't be scared. Find someone to support you thro it and post plenty on here.

The issue of not having another baby is a tougher one. Could you go thro a pregnancy on your own and leave him at the same time? You would get housing benefit most likely and then be expected to work part time which most of us have to do anyway, or more? Or maybe you might meet another man? Altho that would make it messy.

The point is, there are options open to you. You deserve them. xx

I have agreed that DH can smack DS if he feels it's necessary

WTAF!!! You have agreed that your twunt of an h can physically abuse your ds?

but he also sometimes "cuffs" him around the head or pokes him etc. which DS hates What do you expect? You've consented to the twunt being violent to your son.

I really don't agree with cuffing children around the head Would that have anything to do with the fact that your ds could sustain brain, hearing, or visual, damage from blows to his head?

Do you not realise that your son is being subjected to child abuse at the hands of his father and that you're doing nothing about it?

Jeez, woman. I can only hope to god your ds divulges what goes on in his home to an adult who cares about his physical and emotional welfare.

Um also that parenting - cuffed his head and made him bleed?

izzy, he doesn't thump him, only sometimes lightly cuffs him which I still don't like and have told him not to do it. However, it's one of the things that we argue about.

I have to go as DH will be home in a minute but I hope people will keep posting. I really want to hear what others think.

Thank you.

I don't think making someone bleed counts as "light cuffing". "light cuffing" is when I bop my partner on the bum for stealing my crisps.

The metal bit at the back of the baseball cap caught his head and made a little cut. DH didn't hit him and make him bleed. He cuffed him around the head with the cap.

As someone whose 21yr relationship disintegrated after H had an affair, leaving me with 2 dc under 10 and also young baby I can categorically state I wish I had never brought dc3 into this mess, with uncertainty hanging over our financial prospects. It wouldn't ever be the start I would wish for him. He is growing up never knowing us as a couple. He is just beginning to speak and to hear him point to the front door and say questioningly "Daddy?" (as in 'Daddy today?') is heartbreaking.

I don't mean to be presumptuous and tell you how you feel, but I wonder if your desire for another child is because you have chosen to have one child but now that choice is no longer yours to make (age is making it for you) and you're resisting that? After all, you haven't chosen to have another child before now....?

And regarding your relationship, maybe subconsciously you think another child would be the new start your marriage needs/it would kick start dh into behaving decently and maybe also there is an element of harking to a happier time when ds was born?

My advice, fwiw, would be to find out from a reliable source (CAB, solicitor specialising in family law) what would be your position financially/ the house and in terms of access regarding ds if you chose to instigate a separation/divorce, so you take the fear out of your thinking clouding decisions about your relationship.

Best wishes

Your Husband is being physically abusive to your son :( Why can't you see this?? This is terrible to read.

Our parenting differences are the polar opposite to yours, im the strict one and hes the push over, we argue over it sometimes and he kknows how to push my buttons, but i do not ever hit/smack or cuff my DD, i would KILL him if he did this.

Having another child will make this man's abuse of you and the children escalate. He's already given himself permission to hit DS and I would be prepared to lay a fair few quid on him being physically aggressive to you by now - not very aggressive, not yet but I just bet he bumps into you, treads on your toes, drops or knocks things over so that they hit you, 'accidentally' damages your possessions. Etc. He's a bad person, a bad husband and a bad father.

Could it be that you are trying to have more love in your life by making a baby to love and who will love you in return? I'm sorry you are going through this

In answer to your question, he stonewalls and he knows he does this and he knows how much it infuriates me. He can be cold too. He is like it because he is so very stressed out. We have financial difficulties and it has impacted hard. If he was like this and there was no underlying reason for it, i could never forgive it.

Listen to your son and what he is saying with his behaviour.
He thinks shouting is the only way to communicate.
He hates being poked but you have sanctioned it by telling your h he can hit your ds when he wants
What about the next time when your h cuts him with something else which oh dear cuts his eye and blinds him? Is that ok because you agreed he can smack him. ?
It sounds like a horrible household to be in.

It is quite normal to want a baby when you hit the end of your fertility talk to your therapist about it. Last chance and all that but doesn't mean you should act on it.

But above all talk about what your relationship is doing to your son and look at it from his eyes...,