I'm so unhappy in my marriage but would like another baby

[ChaosCentral]

Have namechanged and bit of a long one-sorry.

Together 20 years. Married 14 years. One DS through choice.

Lots of ups and downs in our relationship. A couple of times in the past (before we were married), I said I wanted time apart as I wasn't happy but DH talked me round. As I've grown older and also since being at home with DS and not working, I've realised what a tosser DH is. I think he is EA, he also turns twists things and tells me it's me who over-reacting. I'm not a walkover and don't let him get away with it but I'm so tired of reacting to him and of the bickering.

We argue and bicker over everything-parenting/me working again/housework/choosing things for the house/finances/what to eat/when to eat-it drives me fucking mental. Everday day is a battle. DS is being affected by it. If we argue over directions in the car for instance, we will start getting upset or will start shouting. He loses his temper and shouts a lot. There's much more bickering than laughter. I worry that DS will grow up and behave like his dad towards women. We argue a lot over how to parent DS and how to deal with him. DH says "DS is driving a wedge between us". I say "It's the way you react to DS that is driving a wedge between us".

I've begun to realise that I don't love DH anymore. I don't want to have sex with him (even though he is always pestering me) and I don't enjoy being with him. He truly drains me and saps my energy. I care for him but feel nothing for him. I can't even bear him to touch me tbh.

I've felt miserable for quite a while now but have also realised that I really want another baby. DH does not and says I am too old (43-he's probably right).

I just feel so trapped-I have to stay with DH if we do have another baby but he makes me so bloody miserable. It goes round and round in my head every day. I imagine myself living on my own with DS and it terrifies me. I literally have no friends who are divorced. I have no income and I wouldn't have another child. I'm just rambling now...

"Attila, I don't agree my son will despise me. I'm the one who talks to him, knows his emotions and why he behaves in certain ways. I think that he and DH may have a difficult relationship though. He said to me the other day "sometimes I don't like daddy" so I can see it happening already. I told DH what he had said. I've warned him he is starting to damage their relationship.

I've also told DH "I don't want DS to talk to women the way you talk to me. It's not normal behaviour". That is a big fear.

What does more damage though? A broken family or staying with a slightly EA father? I don't know? Taking DS away from everything he knows and his dad who he loves. I don't want my DH to be a "weekend dad" but I want him to change. It's the only hope for our marriage".

Re your comment to me above

Yes he will despise you for being weak and putting your abusive H before him. No two ways about it. Your future relationship with your son as an adult is in real jeopardy; you could lose him. You think he and your son have a difficult relationship now - you need to wake up properly and properly see what is going on in front of your eyes. He is being hit and you have countenanced that by your acquiescence towards your H.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?.

Do you really have to ask those questions posed in your third paragraph? Of course living with an EA father will be more damaging to your son in the long run; he is learning from you both how relationships are conducted. Your son is already being imparted damaging lessons on relationship by the two of you; you have your head in the sand and your H is emotionally abusive.

Children will love a parent anyway no matter how rubbish they are.

Your H will not change; this is the way he is and joint counselling is a complete non starter anyway due to the ongoing emotional abuse he metes out. Any decent counsellor will refuse to see you together.

And what OxfordBags wrote earlier in its entireity.

I'm taking my time digesting everything that's been posted. I'm grateful for your replies but have been a bit astounded by some of the things written. A lot of it has been helpful and given me many things to think about but it's also made me realise that no-one sitting at a computer in cyber space, can have a clear idea of your relationship/home life-and I think some people just skim read and make a snap judgement.

I know there are problems in my marriage and my DH has issues. I have spent a bit of time this afternoon looking at EA sites and although he may tick two or three boxes, his behaviour is not as severe as some of the horrible things I've read. I'm not trying to excuse his behaviour but he has NEVER hit me and would NEVER beat up or "abuse" our son. He used to look after him all the time as well as working long hours with his job when I was abroad working and I knew he would be well cared for.

• My DS is not "having a crap childhood".
• I would never trick my DH into another baby. We would both have to agree.
• I am unhappy but I would like us to try and fix things and not just walk out. If therapy does not work and things don't change, then I will leave.

OP, I think you have had lots of great advice on this thread.

This that you wrote earlier is very honest of you but very worrying too "I always thought that if I had a daughter, she's be there for me and I've always wanted a girl for that mother-daughter relationship"

For one, if you had another baby, it might be a boy of course you know that but far far more important is why on earth you would push this fantasy onto a girl, you know you could end up as the sort of narc mother discussed on the Stately Homes thread?

I hope you get a chance to examine these fantasies in counselling.

It sounds like you really need to expand your horizons and try to become at peace with who you are and what you bring to the world without seeing yourself reflected only in relationships with others? Get out there and find some people you can laugh and joke with if your DH cannot be that man.

I'm sorry to say this and I feel you've had quite a tough time on here, but I often find that people will post about relationship advice on here, clearly wanting opinions from strangers - yet when the strangers say things that they don't like suddenly they're unable to comment as they are merely strangers from cyberspace and not worth listening to.

What response did you want, op?

If you want another baby divorce your husband and get a proper sperm donor; from a bank if need be. Better to be a single parent than in a loveless marriage.

I also don't think that it's very healthy to think of a daughter as "always there for you" even in my thirties I wouldn't want to be my mums support person tbh. Maybe that's the wrong way to feel but certainly a child/teen girl wouldn't need that kind of pressure. Kids need to be a bit selfish in that regard IMO.
I'm sorry for all you're going through op.
Let us know how you get on wont you x

Yes, your descrition of the daughter you think you would have made my hackles rise. I am a daughter, and thank god I was not brought up to be 'always there' for my mother. She brought me up to be a strong and independant woman like her, and to take no shit from a man (she left my abusive father when I was eight). Hence I love her dearly, have always earned my own money, and I have a wonderful loving husband, and I give her all credit for bringing me up that way. I actually shudder at the thought of someone having a child to be always there for them, that is not what you should want for your child!

It may have been a bad choice of phrase, but surely we can find some sympathy for someone approaching the menopause/ending their reproductive life (I am early forties) and thinking 'eek, I wish I'd had a girl as well as my lovely boy'. I would say that in my own large extended family, the girls ARE there more for their mothers, in terms of closer bonds and also who is looking after whom in old age. In our case, it's not a duty thing, but a measure of being very close. So, just as I sometimes think 'I wish I'd had a boy' and wonder if my husband feels the same, the OP may well be doing the same about having a girl. It's a process of reconciling yourself, and doens't mean you have very fixed ideas about girls/boys, simply that they may have, or may not, have given you a different experience of parenting, and now the OP isn't, in all likelihood going to get that chance. And, she's wondering whether a last ditch attempt is worth it.

As for the marriage, OP it was you who used the phrase 'EA' although I agree it is bandied about a lot on MN. But I think you are right, although some relationships and some people are so clearly nasty and controlling that there's no doubt over what to do, in other relationships it's more complex or even just not that bad.

I think if you don't want to give up on the marriage, get counselling (individual/joint) and start behaving as if you want this to work, so valuing and loving your husband. It sounds like you may be in a negative spiral of bad behaviour and everyone is withdrawing and lashing out, and there's only one way to break that and that's for someone (likely you) to change their own behaviour into what you would like to receive. If you have then done everything you can, then you know you have tried.