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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Porn is going to ruin my marriage....HELP.........

59 replies

tiswas · 23/02/2006 16:06

This is going to sound absolutely pathetic to most of you but here goes.........
Before I married dh I knew he had loads and loads of porn and used to watch it all the time, all men do I suppose. When we married and started to live together he knew I didnt want it in the house and said he threw it all away.
TBH I absolutely loath it, its probably stems from my lack of self confidence and self esteem.
Anyway we've been married since July, and to be fair he doesnt watch it when I'm around but on about 4 occasions now when I've been away overnight I have found he has down loaded some real hardcore stuff off the net (one was a gang rape). Each time we've had a blazing row and he has sworn never again and so it goes on.
I have read on MN loads of times that all men watch this and I know porn is fine if its not hurting anyone. but its HURTING ME. I hate all the deceit, why can't he just stop, I know this is 90% my problem, not his, but he knows how much this really sickens and upsets me and I feel like walking out.
I know this probably seems really stupid to most of you, I wish I could chill out about it, but I can't, and feel let down yet again.
Some of this porn is really sick and its affecting me and our sex life.
I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
tiswas · 23/02/2006 16:23

I need to add that in every way he is a loving, kind man, a great dad etc. but I just can't see past this problem.
Last night he down loaded 21 films, some of them gang rape, forced sex etc - quite nasty.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
stitch · 23/02/2006 16:26

i dont think you are being unreasonable.
i do think that for your own sanity you need to deal with this fetish of his. either find someway of living with it, or some method of completly blanking it and living in absolute ignorance of it.
dan savage has previously given some good advice on fetish's like this. maybe he can help?

stitch · 23/02/2006 16:26

i think your sanity should come before your marriage.

WideWebWitch · 23/02/2006 16:28

Sorry, I don't think all men do this (mine doesn't) and I don't think it's YOUR problem, it's his.

hugeheadofhair · 23/02/2006 16:28

I would feel the same, tbh. As if I'm not fulfilling his needs. Yes, I find it very insulting, not to speak of ethical issues regarding what is actually on show.

stitch · 23/02/2006 16:29

i agree, a lot of men watch porn of some description, but not hardcore stuff like you describe.
but you want help with you, not him. thats what i mean by your sanity being more important

Original poster
tiswas · 23/02/2006 16:30

Whos dan savage?

OP posts:
emkana · 23/02/2006 16:30

I'm with www. I'm always mystified that so many women on MN are so accepting of their men using porn. Mine doesn't, and I would absolutely hate it if he did. I don't know what to advise, but I want you to know that you're not in the wrong for being upset by this.

expatinscotland · 23/02/2006 16:31

'all men do I suppose.'

No, they don't. My husband loathes it b/c it enslaves and degrades females, and he's the father of two daughters. It hurts thousands of women and children, promotes scores of crimes against them as well.

I loathe it b/c it promotes ill-treatment of women, and, in extreme cases, rape and murder. If you don't believe me, get onto bbc's website and read all about the murder of a British backpacker in Thailand on New Year's Day.

Go see a counsellor immediately, tiswas. You don't have a problem. He does. He's addicted.

motherinferior · 23/02/2006 16:32

I too am with WWW. My partner doesn't use porn, and I know a number of other men who don't either (neither of the blokes I lived with before did). I would find it incredibly threatening and upsetting.

puddingandpie · 23/02/2006 16:33

This is a difficult one tiswas. Men are such different creatures to us? What they find erotic we find yuk!

I don't know only suggestion but don't be making any hasty decision's reactionary to this.

I suppose if it was me i would deal with it by ignoring it and wouldn't watch anything i wasn't comfortable with.

I just want to really connect through love making and just feel how will that be appealing when we are older? very hard to express that to your d/h d/p.

I don't think i have been of any use to you
[[[hugs]]]] .

stitch · 23/02/2006 16:34

i disagree. tiswas does have a problem. he is making it her problem by not respecting her wishes. she has asked him not to do this, and yet he is. making her miserable. if she ends this relationship, then she has to do so knowing tht it is his behaviour that has ended it, not hers.

in her place, id be a nervous wreck

Original poster
tiswas · 23/02/2006 16:34

I does make me feel very unsexy and ugly too. but also its very degrading.
The main thing is he knows just how much this hurts me, so he does it when I'm not here.
I hate him for making me feel like this.

OP posts:
stitch · 23/02/2006 16:37

he's not doing a good enough job. if he really didnt want to hurt you, then he would either not do it, or make damn sure you never ever found out.

either get out of this relationshiip, or find a way to live with it without being miserable. im not sure how to do either one. but lots of hugs and sympathy.

Original poster
tiswas · 23/02/2006 16:45

I'm also angry because its my birthday this weekend, my dd is at grandma's til Saturday, we were going to have a day out at the races tommorrow and have a nice quiet couple of days together. Now thats ruined. I dont even want to go.

OP posts:
stitch · 23/02/2006 16:47

tiswas, what can you do that is constructive?
you need to decide what you want. marriage to him? or not?
if you want to stay married, then either he needs to stop doing this, or you need to deal with it, either by accepting it, or ignoring it. what you musnt do is allow it to ruin your life.

motherinferior · 23/02/2006 16:49

Yes, at the moment it's becoming your problem, to quite a horrible degree. I know it's difficult but you have to say how you feel and that you cannot stomach it.

And no, once again, lots of men don't use porn - and frankly a lot of those who do, don't watch that sort of sickening thing.

mousiemousie · 23/02/2006 16:50

All men DON'T watch gang rape as a hobby. I personally would be disturbed by this and would think seriously about leaving, for this reason alone.

expatinscotland · 23/02/2006 16:51

if i had a child around a person who enjoyed watching gang rape and forced sex, even if similated, I would find it highly disturbing and unsafe.

Original poster
tiswas · 23/02/2006 16:51

I love him, I don't want to leave him for good, I feel like going to frighten him into not doing it again. But he needs to stop his, god I feel such a wimp, sat here crying buckets.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 23/02/2006 16:52

YOU ARE NOT A WIMP.

stitch · 23/02/2006 16:52

you are not a wimp. you are a perfectly sane, reasonable woman, who loves her man, and doesnt know how to help him.

Original poster
tiswas · 23/02/2006 16:58

A thing about the forced sex thing - this was the first time I'd found that today 2 movies, one was a gang rape one as forced sex, never come across this type of porn before, Although it has aways been hardcore but not forced,
I have no worries about my dd, I am 100% sure.
To give you some backgound my dd is 36 has been in the army forever and this stuff used to fly round the mess block like it was going out of fashion. My main problem is the fact it does disgust ans disturb me and makes me feel like shit. Its his deceitfulness and lack of regard for me that really hurts you know??

OP posts:
hugeheadofhair · 23/02/2006 18:52

I think a good argument with dh is in order. Tell him how you feel and that you are very angry and upset and it makes you feel insecure and that you are even considering leaving because of it. You could use your dd as an argument not to allow it in the house. Suppose she would find it and watch (I don't know her age, but the older the more likely possibility).

ggglimpopo · 23/02/2006 19:10

Message withdrawn