Porn is going to ruin my marriage....HELP.........

[tiswas]

This is going to sound absolutely pathetic to most of you but here goes.........
Before I married dh I knew he had loads and loads of porn and used to watch it all the time, all men do I suppose. When we married and started to live together he knew I didnt want it in the house and said he threw it all away.
TBH I absolutely loath it, its probably stems from my lack of self confidence and self esteem.
Anyway we've been married since July, and to be fair he doesnt watch it when I'm around but on about 4 occasions now when I've been away overnight I have found he has down loaded some real hardcore stuff off the net (one was a gang rape). Each time we've had a blazing row and he has sworn never again and so it goes on.
I have read on MN loads of times that all men watch this and I know porn is fine if its not hurting anyone. but its HURTING ME. I hate all the deceit, why can't he just stop, I know this is 90% my problem, not his, but he knows how much this really sickens and upsets me and I feel like walking out.
I know this probably seems really stupid to most of you, I wish I could chill out about it, but I can't, and feel let down yet again.
Some of this porn is really sick and its affecting me and our sex life.
I just don't know what to do.

forestfern-what a fantastic post from you.I got up this morning switched the computer screen on and there it was staring me in the face-the last web site dp was on last night!!!!!!
Confronted dp AGAIN! and he said it was his friend Sam who came round last night-have i got MUG written on my forehead!

It is ruining our relationship COMPLETELY.

Dp is surprise,surprise insecure and hates me looking fantastic when i go out and feels so threatened with other men looking at me.

Dp is about the house so this isnt as long as i would like it to be.

Thinking of you

Just to add - 2 of my longterm partners have used porn to 'relieve' themselves. I think it's pretty normal, but the type of porn your DH is d/l is very disturbing and I'd be incredibly upset if I found it in my DH's mpeg collection etc.

tiswas, there is a lot of good advice here for you and i am so sorry you are having to deal with this. living with someone with an addiction means taking second place to their needs and that is no fun. i just wanted to pick up on one point that does concern me. that is the fact that the porn he is using is becoming more hard core (the rape stuff that you found). it sounds as though his addiction is escalating. he needs help, but like any addict he needs to take the first step himself, you cabbot do it for him. best wishes

i disagree that all men watch porn. my DP doesn't watch any and has no interest in it. and i don't think it is normal to watch things like gang rapes. it sounds really sick and i'm not surprised you are this upset about it.

tell him that he is watching somebody's daughter/sister/mother being forced/raped!!! These women don't usually do porn by choice - life circumstances lead them to it. I don't really understand the need to watch porn at all - why do men get off watching other people having sex when they could most likely be in the bedroom having it themselves!!

lots of people get off on voyeurism, not just men.

i sometimes think that this is the trouble with the internet (huge broad generalisations probably coming up, but still...) Before the internet, where did men (or anyone) see porn? When you are young: in magazines, behind bike sheds, the occasional mag left in a bin and a group of kids gather round it; in a parent's collection, etc. Then you might see the odd movie at a mate's house with a group of you there and a person then finds out if that sort of thing turns them on. When they are older they might buy their own mags/ videos but it takes a bit of doing, i.e. work through the embarrassment of going into a shop to buy them, or get hold of films through dodgy pub landlords or your mates, etc.

Nowadays, porn is VERY easily available through the internet, piped into your own home. and maybe when people trawl through what's on offer they see things they never thought they would, stuff that's removed from the usual straightforward sex stuff. and some people find it horrible and some people just can't help looking and maybe they get turned on and it becomes like a naughty game then, finding out more and exploring all sorts of really rather horrible stuff. Porn on the internet is not discerning! I really do think it can open a complete can of worms sexually for people who really wouldnt even have known that certain perversions were their 'thing'.

10 or 15 yrs ago, you would never have known that your dh got off on 'rape' scenarios - it just wouldn't have been so readily available.

I know this doesn't help you much at all, it's more like a string of observations and opinions, but what i would say that some people (men?) will justify the awful things they watch through the internet because it is in a medium that is in our own homes and one which most people these days are involved in (ie pcs and the internet). Just because it's available does NOT make it acceptable and you need to make this clear to your dh. I'm not sure if getting rid of the internet connection is the answer - it certainly stops the readiness of the porn's availability - but does it tackle the root of the problem, i.e. his issues and your feelings, both of which are having a very negative effect on your relationship?

I really hope you both get the help you need.

Just to give you an update. When he came home from work on Thursday I told him I was leaving, and that this was it I'd had enough.
He was really shaken up and quite distraught, he has offered have the internet disconnected and has swore never to go near this stuff again.He did explain that the dodgy clip that had been downloaded was along with other stuff, he didnt realise that it was a rape scene and he thought it was vile. (I have to say the porn before has been hardcore but not of that type so I believe him on that one)
We've had our weekend away (its my birthday today) and he really tried. I think this has made him realise (I hope this time) that I will go and he would lose everything.

I really hope this is the end of the matter, but only time will tell, I still don't trust him 100% but he says he's learnt his lesson so we'll have to see.
In every other way he's a great bloke, really good to me and our dd and we have a good marriage and hopefully it'll all work out ok.

Thank you all for your support and advice, it really means a lot when you know your not alone.XXXXX