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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Porn is going to ruin my marriage....HELP.........

59 replies

tiswas · 23/02/2006 16:06

This is going to sound absolutely pathetic to most of you but here goes.........
Before I married dh I knew he had loads and loads of porn and used to watch it all the time, all men do I suppose. When we married and started to live together he knew I didnt want it in the house and said he threw it all away.
TBH I absolutely loath it, its probably stems from my lack of self confidence and self esteem.
Anyway we've been married since July, and to be fair he doesnt watch it when I'm around but on about 4 occasions now when I've been away overnight I have found he has down loaded some real hardcore stuff off the net (one was a gang rape). Each time we've had a blazing row and he has sworn never again and so it goes on.
I have read on MN loads of times that all men watch this and I know porn is fine if its not hurting anyone. but its HURTING ME. I hate all the deceit, why can't he just stop, I know this is 90% my problem, not his, but he knows how much this really sickens and upsets me and I feel like walking out.
I know this probably seems really stupid to most of you, I wish I could chill out about it, but I can't, and feel let down yet again.
Some of this porn is really sick and its affecting me and our sex life.
I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
donnie · 23/02/2006 19:12

I completely agree with expatinscotland.Anyone who enjoys watching rape is sick in the head. Sorry Tiswas, don't want to sound unkind here but all men DO NOT watch/like porn and it is not NORMAL to 'get off' on this type of thing.

If I found out my dh was regularly downloading this type of thing I would seriously consider leaving him for good. I would fear for the safety of my 2 dds as well as myself.

If he really 'likes' this type of thing then surely that is an indication of how he generally feels about women? IMO.

Carmenere · 23/02/2006 19:15

The problem here is not the porn but the type of porn. Most men, not all do like some porn but if I met someone who was particularly into gang rape porn or forced sex (wtf - how does that differ from rape?). I would run a mile as it does imply that he fantasises about hurting and degrading women. Which is kind of disturbing. Now I appriciate that this is your dh and that you love him but if he does not see why that is not normal and why he should not seek help, then you are quite sensible to be rethinking your relationship. good luck.

mcmum · 23/02/2006 19:52

tiswas,

been here for about 8 or 9 years my dh over my shoulder as i respond here ! i agree with everything you have said how degraded it makes you feel unsexy and unattractive lets face it the women they use are not mums they have perfect bodies and boobs etc and it makes me feel sick ! we have been to relate twice now regarding this and the counsellor said it was his problem and that he knew how it made me feel and he shouldnt do it, it told me it had stopped but i found it again about a month ago and with my dh it is threesomes ! i asked him to leave which he did and it only lasted 2 days he was back. he is a fantastic daddy but has no respect for me at all. i feel for you i really do i know exactly how you feel and you are not a wimp for crying but let him see you crying he needs to see how much he is hurting you.

Original poster
tiswas · 23/02/2006 19:55

I have to say again - this type of porn has only just come up - until now its been hardcore but not rape orientated. I don't believe he really gets off on this - the main reason why i'm so hurt it all the deceit and promises he has made to stop looking at it before.
We have just had a blazing row and he is mortified that I am thinking of leaving him, to a point he has offered to unsubsribe to broadband and have the internet disconnected.
He says he can't help looking at porn, its nothing to do with me but he can't help himself.He thinks the only way is to finish with the net altogether.

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 23/02/2006 19:58

I agree with Carmernere, and with others who say that not all men like porn. My dh can't be bothered with it, although he had the odd porn mag when he was younger. I also think it is degrading to women and cheapens sex so I wouldn't be too pleased if I found he was using, what's more, if he was using it behind my back I'd be livid because once you start keeping secrets from your partner then you're in trouble.

The kind of porn he is into sounds illegal, is it? Would anyone know this? Are they actual rapes or just re-enacts? I agree though that actually getting entertainment out of watching a woman brutalised and belittled is rather disturbing. He needs some help or he will lose you. TBH I would have been out of the door and taken the kids with me!

I know you love him, but how much respect is he showing for you with this? How much of your love is returned? YOu've gotta be strong here and stand up to him. Hope you manage.

mcmum · 23/02/2006 19:59

agree with him and get it disconnected ! my dh said same re he can't helpit! i dont understand as its not like we dont have sex - infact we have sex atleast three times a week !

mcmum · 23/02/2006 20:06

tiswas - look at history on porn he i think my title was what is it with men and porn ? i was exactly same as u . hope you get sorted luv am thinking of you xx sending big hug (O)

Original poster
tiswas · 23/02/2006 20:07

Same here, but I must say each time I find he's been doing this I go right off it - just can't stop thinking about the porn and what I've seen.
I truly believe he's not into rape scenes as such and this was definately a film with actors - he says he just downloaded a load of clips and this was one of them, this I do believe - but I still feel all my trust is used up now, part of me wishes I had never checked the downloads in the first place. But just can't help myself, the doubt is always there - its bloody horrible.
I'm glad so many of you have responded - thanks for all your kind words and support xxxxx

OP posts:
mcmum · 23/02/2006 20:10

tiswas, i check dh laptop every day !!! i will never trust him and he knows it - but thats his doing,

Original poster
tiswas · 23/02/2006 20:15

Oh mcmum, that makes me feel better, I do it all the time but always feel a neurotic wimp for doing it - I know its his problem not mine but I really wish I could be like my best mate, it doesnt bother her one bit! It really eats me up inside and I just can't ignore it.

OP posts:
notasheep · 23/02/2006 20:17

Tiswas-trust goes out of the window,i found stuff on my dps computer,it has changed our relationship permanently.Dont know what the future is for us.

Really hope you can talk this through.
All men say they wont do it again............

Ive heard that one before

mcmum · 23/02/2006 20:18

tiswas, im sure you are me ! infact dh was reading this over my shoulder earlier and he thought i had changed my nickname - it eats into me too i truly hate it - i feel so degraded and hurt i cannot begin to explain, and alot of my friends and some mnetters too say it means nothing and i should let him - but he knows how much it hurts me and i think if he luved me that much he wouldnt do it .

mcmum · 23/02/2006 20:18

hi notasheep - its not just me and you then !

notasheep · 23/02/2006 20:20

Maybe we should form a support group!

When i get into bed every night the thought in my head is what i found on dps computer-its ruined our sex life

mcmum · 23/02/2006 20:22

yes i think we should wish i could think of an idea that would hurt him in the same way !

mcmum · 23/02/2006 20:24

notasheep - when was last time you found it ? and what kind of porn is it

notasheep · 23/02/2006 20:28

I havent found it since September!!!!!
The problem i have is my dp is soon to be a Computer Scientist(doing dissertation at Uni at the moment) so he can now easily hide it-I have no idea how i will ever find it.He is in the right field to cover himself thats for sure.

The porn varied-lots of videos of couples having mad sex(with loud volume!!!)
Massive,Massive gross breasts-i am by the way smaller than a 34 AA

jennifersofia · 23/02/2006 20:39

He probably means it when he says that he will stop, but if he keeps going back to it, despite how much he knows it disturbs you, then he is behaving like an addict. To stop an addiction he will most likely need outside help to truly change. Until he does this, the pattern will repeat itself.
You are not at all pathetic, stand your ground and insist something must change, and that means more than his well intentioned affirmations.
All the best.

mcmum · 23/02/2006 20:43

notasheep - me too im only 34 b ! and saggy i know my dh knows how to delete his tracks which is worrying

trice · 23/02/2006 20:58

If he is your husband you have to talk about it with him. You knew your dh liked porn before you got married and you still loved him enough to marry him, I think you need to discuss why it has suddenly become a big problem. Perhaps he needs to work with you to help you to feel attractive again.

mcmum · 24/02/2006 08:55

tiswas, how are you today ?

Carmenere · 24/02/2006 09:44

The wright stuff are covering this issue right now. Their researchers lurk here me thinks!

mcmum · 24/02/2006 16:23

tiswas - let me know how you are and what you have decided to do thinking of you

sheepgomeep · 24/02/2006 16:42

I don't believe ALL men like/use porn either. My ex certainly never did.
I caught my dp downloading porn of the internet a couple of months ago ( I posted it on here. He still does it now but not as much and I HATE it still.

Got huge sympathy with you..

forestfern · 26/02/2006 11:03

My partner escalated. It has ruined our relationship - but I knew from the outset and he agreed it was wrong and said it would stop. Said previous partners had no problem with it. Also told me that he starts to lose erection interest in a woman after a bout a year. Because I am fairly attractive I tried to believe that maybe he just didn't fancy them. Vanity pay-back time! Trouble is, any argument seemed to provide an excuse to use it again. He lied to me about it for 5years, despite my suspicions and hurt that our personal life was boring and infrequent. He just preferred the hard core. I found out the truth when the baby was 6months old. Bad time to leave. She is now 2yr and I am still considering leaving since I cannot "do" the sex/love life thing at all now. Catch 22 there of course!

I think you can spot the types? From the outset they are always looking around at any attractive women or sexual signs for titillation. They can have a farily good conversation at the same time, it is such a practised skill. You become their friend/mum too early on by their doing. They are not very romantic. You sense the lack of intimacy and sexual loyalty. They may be loving in many other ways. They are often not sensual, passionate lovers. They are a bit groin-orientated like a watered-down version of M Jack, they are in love with their meat and two veg TOO much and cant wait to grab it to hello in the morning. They are more likely to do the quicky early morning riser thing than the seductive stockings-and-suspenders approach. They dont buy you sexy underwear or ask you to dress for them - they dont want you spoiling the fetish of the titillation from their other women, or the threat of you as a real sexual being?! They get bored of you sexually after about a year. They want you to go out in jeans and be their mate and shag buddy, even sharing the stuff if you agree? They take badly threats from other males, whistles or attention your way, instead of feeling flattered. They are insecure and need to bolster their ego. They like to bond with other males with the sharing of it, a latent homoerotic side? They like to watch the pleasure of other males, so a one-on-one is a bit boring. They dont like to watch normal sex, so maybe after a while they get bored of normal sex. They seek to objectify in order to create a heightened thrill from the fetish of porn, thus oddities and escalation.

Just a few thoughts. Any comments, obviously a generalisation! Maybe we could try to make up a profile without being to harsh on them? They are so quick to box and objectify us, lets not be too sorry for them.

1000's of women are suffering the world over with this.