It occurred to me recently having seen so many threads on MN about affairs and usually from the wronged person's POV, that you don't read the other side very often, particularly after the event. Also, understandably even though it isn't RL, the temptation to put yourself forward on MN in a good light is a strong one, but I would like to try to be honest. My motivation for doing this is partly because I am in a thoughtful, introverted mood (just had a second miscarriage on 3rd IVF attempt) and partly to try and make sense of it. Also, it might be useful for other people perhaps - I hope so.
I met my first husband at university when we were both mature(ish) students. He had two children from a previous marriage and they were 2.5 and 5 when we got together. I didn't meet them for almost a year at his ex-wife's request. We were very in love and it was heady and exciting. He didn't want children and said so. Very early on (within 3 months of getting together) I explained that I would be wanting children in the future (I was 23 at the time) but didn't push the subject. A few months later, quite spontaneously, he said he realised it wouldn't be fair on me to not have a family and so that it would be fine.
As soon as I met the children and we had moved in together, we had them Friday-Monday and later when they were older, we had the 50% of the time and the elder one also lived with us full time from months at a time. The older child (boy) had behavioural difficulties which became progressively worse - violence, aggression, rages and drinking (he is now 17) became commonplace. His mother also had an alcohol problem that made Keith Richards look like an Amish. To her credit she did resolve it, but it did very negatively affect the children at the time (3 days in bed drinking whisky and not feeding them when we were away once, for example). Clearly, a difficult situation was unfolding and I/we did our best. The trouble for me was that I was excluded from all decisions re the children. It may sound weak that I was not able to change this situation - it may have been the unending sense of crisis, what with the boy's behaviour and the mother's, or it may have been that I was the main breadwinnner and also did most of the household work and all the cooking/laundry, or it may be that I was a crap step-mother, but I did try every way I knew how. An example would be in the 11 years we were together, he would never let me know what nights they would be staying until the day - I would explain I just wanted to know so I could plan meals, etc.
Between my ex-H and I it was great in some ways (easy company, intellectually stimulating, fun) and awful in others (his selfishness, inability to involve me in decisions about the kids and worst of all, a penchant for fetishistic sex that sent him into protracted sulks if he didn't get it,). Meanwhile, he asked me to marry him, then retracted it for a year, then changed his mind (at this point 7 years in to our relationship!) about kids. I was heartbroken about the marriage proposal retraction - I am intelligent, scrub up alright and had devoted myself to his happiness, his dreams and his family. It was quite a slap. I started to become very sad, even though we did get married. There was a period of several months where I would cry and cry and cry and tell him I was unhappy but he refused to talk about it. Later, he said I hadn't tried to tell him enough that I was unhappy.
So far, these are reasons to be unhappy, but not an excuse for an affair - that is a distinction I fully appreciate.
The next thing that happened is I met someone at work and had an instant and electrifying connection. One of the first things I said to him (very inappropriate, he was senior to me), when he was talking about moving abroad was 'you'll never meet the next Mrs X there'. I was taken aback with myself as in that moment I panicked that if he left I wouldn't be able to marry him. Weird. I pushed it to the back of my head and got on with the business of my life. It wouldn't go away though and simultaneously, I was begging my husband to communicate with me about a) family b) the arrangements with the SCs and c) my unwillingness to participate in his ever-increasing appetite for degrading sex. He refused. We had a loft extension and I suggested that one of the rooms could be a nursery, he suggested it could be a 'sex den'.
After about 9 months of resisting my feelings for the man at work, I gave in, surrendered to the feeling that here was somebody who understood who I was inside, and lets face it, I was, to borrow a line from Bridget Jones, suffused with sex lust for. There followed an affair, which consisted largely of him pleading with me to leave my husband, me telling him it was over and interspersed with sex. A lot of cheap pub glasses of wine were drunk, a lot of texts were sent and deleted, as I unknowingly followed 'the script'. Eventually I manned up and told my husband. I had deceived him extensively, but when it came to confession time, I didn't lie about what, how often or other details.
I went to Relate, I thought I might go mad and I thought I wanted to work it out with him. We talked about a family again and then came a bombshell. He said me wanting a family with him, made him feel 'used'. I thought in total amazement over the previous 10 years of step-mothering. But I guess in the context of me sleeping with another man, it was understandable. It was enough, however, to convince me that his needs would always, always come first. So I broke his heart and mine, lost many friends and set off into a new relationship.
'New man' and I are now married and very, very happy. From my ex husband's point of view, I am a vain, selfish, heartless cheat. From my mother and new husband's point of view I am saintly and had the best years of my fertility cruelly robbed from me. Of course, neither of these is true, or perhaps they both are.